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Monday, May 28, 2012

Meltdowns in Mexico on Memorial Day

We got up early and hit EPCOT at opening this morning. We got to spend the day with my brother a retired Army Veteran and an Active Duty Signal Corp member who just moved back stateside 2 weeks ago. Memorial day had become more significant for me as I now understand what it's like to hold your breath anytime the news comes on and talks of troops lost.

We went back an did some of the countries we missed yesterday. Mexico was our first stop. Little Mama copped an attitude the minute we got in there. Gabby wanted to get her Mom something and LM just couldn't handle it. At one point she came to me crying and asked me I she could please leave the building.

I thought for sure that it reminded her too much of the Mexican Mart and her Mom and she was missing her. I was totally unprepared for what actually came out of her mouth when we got outside.

LM freezes a lot. She'll cry and then not say anything. This is hard for me because I can't stand the silence. But I have learned to shut my mouth and let her talk. I asked her if she needed a hug. She grabbed me and sobbed. I whispered- you are safe. You are loved.

Finally, she looked up at me and said:

"I want to stay with you. I don't want to go home to my Mom. I am afraid she won't take care of us."

And the words I longed to hear, that I never thought I'd hear, broke my heart. My poor kid couldn't enjoy Disney World because of foster care. On her summer vacation she was worried about being taken care of by a parent instead of if she could get ice cream. She was fearful of having someone meet her needs instead of being scared on a roller coaster.

But that's foster care.

So I stood outside the Mexico pavilion rocking my almost 12 year old telling her that it's ok and reminding her that if that is truly how she feel she needs to start telling people this. Telling her I will always love her and try to keep her safe no matter where she lives - all while my heart was breaking for her. I wanted nothing more than to promise to Always take care of her - but thats not up to me...

We hugged she felt better. I felt worse and we moved on. We spent a nice evening in the pool and when I agreed to jacuzzi bubble baths I was cheered for being "the best Mom I ever had.." the bar isn't set real high but it made me feel good.

Here they are in Mexico shortly before the meltdown.

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