20 Random Thoughts Prior to a Homestudy

1) I probably should clean the bathrooms. She might need to go if she will be here 1.5 hours x 4 kids. However long that is. I don't multiply decimals.

2) Everyone has told me that's a way overestimation. Maybe I don't really need to clean them.

3) Holy Hell, yes I do. 

4) Good God children, how do you get pee under the seat? How is this possible? I don't even know how to lecture you about stopping this because I have no idea how this can happen.

5) Next week I am giving bathroom cleaning lessons and you are all going to take turns on a weekly basis.

6) Gross. 

7) Still not as gross as lice.

8) Do I need to serve treats? Would baking something be too contrived?

9) Definatley. The kids would tell on me. "This is the first time Mom has made cookies in our new house! ever!" So would Hubby.

10) Why do I care? She's already been here. 

11) Because it's foster care and crazy sh*t happens and how many horror stories have you heard? It's not final until the order is entered. 

12) Need to hire the attorney.

13)Is she the one I tried to interview with and she hired the person before me without meeting me? 

14) Can't find the email. I guess it doesn't matter since I don't know what she looks like. 

15) Let it go R. Let it go.

16) Should I write down the issues? We need to make sure we capture anything pre-existing. Must remember Smiley's IEP and Sarah's 504 Plan. And Simon and Stella's glasses.
17) Just make sure the fresh fruit is visible on the counter.
18) WTF are these pencils doing on the floor.  Where do they come from. Why is it I find them by tripping over them but when I actually need them, nowhere to be found?
18) Why did we tell her 9:00AM?
19) Because you had just given your "how do we expedite this process" speech and you didn't want to look like you were stalling.
20) Screw it. We live here.
 

Caseworker #4

So we met with CASA and Caseworker #3 who introduced us to Caseworker #4. The new supervisor never showed - something about a miscommunication. 

Whatever.

I actually cleaned the house. So I guess the supervisor missed it. (Like up until 1 am type of effort.) I NEVER clean for DCFS people so I guess the bonus is a cleaned house before the weekend. 

Anyway, Caseworker #4 was just as young as I imagined him.  If he was 24 I'd be shocked. He also happens to be good looking and have tattoos. Bio Mom is going to eat him alive. Exactly the kind of guy she goes for. (Except this one is employed and presumably has no criminal record.) He seems smart so I'm hoping he is. As long as he protects my kids we will have no issues.

Smiley was smitten. "I'm going home with Mr. Caseworker." Not until you are 30 kid- go get your pJs on.

The monthly visits are kind of silly. We are fine, no one has anything to add. No news on the adoption or the baby. The kids are doing fine. We would have been done in 15 minutes if we weren't trying to reiterate to the new guy how long a history the case has. 

I also told him listen- we will be so easy because we really won't bother you unless we have to. So answer my emails in a timely manner and we will have no issues. You know, but slightly nicer.

I'm over my initial annoyance. It is what it is. The kids seemed unphased by the change so that's what is important. 

Proper Documentation

So Caseworker #3's supervisor called me back. She asked what was going on and I layed it out for her. I explained we wanted to make sure we were fulfilling our role as advocates for permanency for the kids and wanted to make sure that everything was on track for a goal change next month. We were concerned because Caseworker #3's first impression was one of apathy and unpreparedness. 

I fully admit that I told her supervisor she came into my house with nothing more than her cell phone and her business card. I also told her that if the CASA worker hadn't been there I would have ended the meeting.

The supervisor assured me she would discuss proper documentation and basic social work skills with her. And apparently she isn't new and should have known better. Oh and then she have me her email.

That afternoon I got a phone call from CW3 "just checking in". Hmm. Yeah you should have just given me the email in the first place.

In any event, I did learn that the legal screening had taken place and there were some loose ends that needed to be taken care of to finalize the legal screen. At this point they don't expect any issues and the supervisor assured me she would be on top of it. I'm not going to say that CW3 lied but she definitely had no clue.

We talked a little about the process in general. I knew there may be a trial involved if she didn't do an identified surrender, but I had no idea there are three hearings. As she was talking, I saw my vacation time flying out of my bank. 

Lots of interesting things happening. 

I got a text from Sheila that said she missed her call this week because she was in the hospital. I know it's wrong that my 1st thought was: great another bill they will send me and not you.  I want to believe her but she's always ready with an excuse....

Caseworker #3

The new caseworker, Number Three, came this week. In a moment of brilliance I had her and the CASA worker come at the same time. She walked in with her phone and two business cards. That's it. No case file. No pen. No paper. No calendar. The only reason I bothered to talk at all was because the CASA worker was there.

It took every ounce of restraint I had not to offer her a pad of paper and something to write with. I'm a very direct person and in almost any other situation I would have shoved note taking supplies at the person. This is a new office and I'm hoping to avoid a reputation. 

That's so sad. These people have so much control over the outcome of these kids and my life that I can't comment on someone coming unprepared to a meeting at my house. 

I gave the benefit of the doubt that she might have read the case file. No such luck. Now I'm hoping she has perfect recall or something. The only piece of information we got about the case was that the CASA (who acts as the GAL in the county the case is out of) is in agreement with the state that termination of parental rights (TPR) should be the goal at the next permanency hearing. Caseworker assured me that legal screening would take place before the next court date in September. I expressed skepticism as the paperwork was supposedly submitted in May. She of course blamed the transfer of the case. (In my head I screamed: These kids shouldn't have to wait longer because you people wanted to save money on travel reimbursement.)

We also found out that Dad is the Dad of both kids. I'm glad this piece is confirmed as it makes the termination process smoother. It does mean that the baby Dad's girlfriend just had is the sibling of my kids. (Assuming she isn't lying.) We have asked that if and when the kids meet their brother, that they be prepared with the therapists. The GAL is not in favor of them even meeting the brother as it is likely to be another loss. I'm not sure how I feel. 

Spoke Too Soon

Ok so none of the case workers ever called me back.....

Which is fine and probably for the better. We'll just continue to enjoy our time off from parenthood.

Despite my Mom's statement that the kids were "perfect" and she couldn't see herself loving other kids she was fairly disappointed no one called us back. She surprised herself. She started to picture being grandma with other kids. This made me feel tons better. She was beside herself saying goodbye to the kids.

The non-response gave me more time to come up with my list of questions for whichever case worker does call me back. It includes way more questions about visitation, time in care, providers, and history. Gone are the days where age and race/ethnicity were my main concern.

Feeling Slightly Steadier

The meeting with the caseworker and her new supervisor wasn't that productive although I did vent quite a bit. Hopefully, she'll get it and I don't have to keep beating the dead horse. She tried to fall on the sword and say that she was slowing this down due to the departmental changes.  Sorry sweetie. Not going to work. This has been going on for 2 years.

We did get out of them the following:

• The first overnight will happen. Then they will have family therapy and then have another overnight visit the next weekend.
• Typically from the 1st overnight visit they look at moving them home in 60-90 days.
• We are to receive a plan for how often the caseworker shall be touching base.
• They are not inclined to try to find another foster home so if we can't finish teh transition they would likely move the kids home sooner provided the judge allowed.

She also tried to tell us that this is normal for fosterparents to feel frustrated because its painful and you are grieving.  Which I get but when you have no idea what is supposed to happen after next week and the kids are totally out of whack it doesn't really help to hear that. "Oftern foster parents find its too hard and so they ask us to speed up the process". You live week by week lady with 4 bickering screaming children and tell me what you'd be asking other people to do.

Grrr.

Then the CASA worker came over and she tried to talk us off the ledge too. Put things in perspective. Which was nice of her. But she also gets to see the big picture and so its easier for her to put all the pieces together and feel better about it.  In any event, our request for communication and a plan will be well documented.

So best case scenario the kids will return home right after their break,  Which makes this a little easier to deal with. Which makes me feel bother better and stronger. More equipped.

But man, it still hurts like hell.

Stopping A Moving Train

So a change was made to the visitation schedule to start giving Mom more opportunity to parent her kids. We were going to put all 4 children together and have them do family visits 2 times a week. The first group visit was supposed to be for this Saturday for 3 1/2 hours per the conversation on Tuesday. The kids were prepped by their therapy team. The two oldest being very concerned about the amount of time.

Wednesday I get a call from the transportation/supervisor company. Can the visit be moved back. Then she tells me it's scheduled for 5 hours with them all together.

I flip out. Time and time again we prepare the kids and something else happens. The adults are loosing credibility fast and it's not helping the anxiety or behaviors lessen in our home. And you know what? I'm tired of being the one having to pick up the pieces when someone decides that the kids and us can handle the damage being done.

So even though we had an opportunity to keep things as they were I got a call this morning from case worker telling me that the visit will be all 4 kids for 5 hours and if Gabby needs to she can decide to leave early. WTF?

So I can be the scapegoat? So Gabby can outwardly show Mom she picks me over her? So Mom can have ANOTHER reason to dislike me? And what about the other kids. Don't they get an out if they need it? What's the message there- start having the runs or throwing up and you too can get out of the time with your Mom? And what happens next week? Does she get the out then?

I think it's official complaint time. I can't live like this. I can't keep them moving forward in their healing if others ate going to run right over me.

I don't think that I've ever really grasped the whole it's hard to stop a moving train phrase prior to now. Perhaps I need to just lay down on the tracks and watch it wreck.

Connections

The kids have started individual visits again. These individual visits began last year before Jelly Bean's Hospitalization and the incident in February that caused visits to stop.  The purpose of this time with Mom is to allow her to re-connect with her children since she hasn't lived with them for 2 years.  One of the "theories" as to why this case had not progressed to return home was because Mom wasn't receiving enough time with her children and therefore could not bond with them. (In reality, she has trouble juggling all four of them at once and was not able to bond with them at family visits.)
Two days a week the kids will alternate 2 hours of alone time with Mom. I was hopeful that this time around with the direction of the team and the family therapist she would really try to use this time to connect.

Mom has a lot of work to do where attachment and bonding are concerned.  If the court could ruled on termination based only on "where the children feel love from" we would be in adoption proceedings. Mom's own attachment and trauma don't allow her to connect to her kids in a way that they understand. And because of her defense mechanisms she does not see that they don't connect to her.  She also seems to lack a desire to learn about her kids as she often does not remember details about them such as their favorite colors or likes/dislikes in food. It is my opinion that this individual time should be used to learn these types of things. But as we all know is that my opinion is never heard and no one cares (until a bunch of professionals get in a room months later - say the same thing I did and then its a brilliant idea.....)

On Jelly Bean's first individual visit her Mom took her to see a movie... That's right a movie where you sit side by side in silence. Did I mention that Jelly Bean was grounded?

And yes, the caseworker was aware that this was the plan.

So the kids come home from family therapy and tell me their Mom is taking them on their visit to a movie Saturday. She wants to take them to see Girl in Progress. A PG -13 movie about a Hispanic single mother and her daughter. Which the family therapist apparently explained to Mom what PG-13 meant when Little Mama said to her "My foster parents don't let me see movies rated PG-13 or R".

I had sworn to myself I was going to stay out of the movie thing. If she thinks movies are the way to connect to her kids so be it. If she would rather spend the 2 hours a week she gets alone with her child not speaking to that child then I was going to let that speak for itself.  I realize she's attempting to provide fun for her kids but I just want to shake her and say - You can take them to a movie every weekend if you get them back.  Fix whats broken, build the trust, BE A MOM. All Mother's want their kids to have fun but parenting isn't all about fun.  The majority of the time it is hard, uncomfortable work. Sadly, her children understand this and when they see that she can't handle or attempt the mundane parenting they see me and my husband do they continue to reject her efforts.

But of course I couldn't let it ride when I pictured them coming home from seeing a movie with their Mom about a hispanic Mom and Daughter with a rocky relationship where the Mom chooses Men and the daughter trys every angle to get her Mother's attention. The desire to not have to pick up the pieces of a trigger like that won out over the potential to document more poor parenting choices.

So I texted the case worker. After explaining a little she texted back that she agreed it wasn't an appropriate movie. It will be interesting to see what they actually end up doing.

Case Worker Visit

We have a monthly visit with the case worker. Somehow this monthly commitment escaped our attention in Foster parent training. Luckily she is able to come in the early evening. She picks the kids up and then they let themselves in the house. I genuinely like our case worker. She's sweet. But she has no kids. And she is not married. And while I don't think these should be requirements for case workers I think it helps your understanding. As I quickly found out last year, having kids in your life changes everything. And MAYBE just MAYBE she would understand WHY her lack of communication is an issue. Perhaps she would understand WHY I point out Bio Mom's biggest parenting issues. If she is to be successful and therefore the kids are to be safe and continue healing she can't keep making the same mistakes.

Case in point: family therapy this week. Bio Mom's answer to Gabby's demand of how she can know Mom won't hit her ever again.

"Because I don't want to lose you. If I lose the four of you I will have no real family."

Which on the surface might seem like a good answer. That's how Gabby took it. My Mom wants me. My Mom wants our family.

What Mom failed to do with her answer was provide actual reasons Gabby should believe her. She failed to take responsibility. She only recognized that she will have the consequence of being alone. She made it all about her.

And apparently no one shared this response with the case worker as she looked shocked when I relayed the information.

I keep being told Mom will have to take responsibility for her actions before the kids can go home. Don't statements like the above continue to prove that she is unable to do just that? Grrrr

Then we had a conversation about visits. They were up to 5 hours on Saturday mornings. Now the kids have to be split in two. The suggestion was made tonight to have visits for 2 on Friday afternoon and Saturday mornings. Mom works third shift. The case worker actually pointed out that she's going to be tired on Saturday mornings as she will just be getting home from work and that it might be better to have the older two on Saturday because they would be easier to handle.

I'm sorry did I just hear that? We are concerned at 20 months because Mom might be too tired to see 2 of her children? After work? What the huh? What about 4 on a school night with homework? And Jelly Bean decides she didn't get enough attention and Little Mama decided to provoke her and Gabby decides to interrupt and Mr. Mohawk decides to wipe his chocolate cake hands all I've the wall. Because that's a typical Tuesday in this house. Actually, Tuesday we also have 2 therapists who come. If we are worried that at 2 years she can't handle Saturday mornings with 1/2 her children what are we doing here?

Banging.my.head.on.the.wall...

I guess it's unreasonable to expect that this should already have been a parenting skill that was learned. Of course she's going to be tired. She has four kids!

We didn't discuss my emails to her supervisor and I didn't get a copy of the case plan I've asked repeatedly for and mentioned in said emails. Nor did she ask us how we were doing or acknowledge her failure to notify us.

We did elude to the fact that since Mom lives 6 miles from us if we saw her or the Bio Dad that is not on the birth certificate in our neighborhood we would be calling the police.

Oh and Gabby's Bio Dad sent letters from jail. When it rains it pours!