Oh Man

Sometimes I feel guilty because the kids have healed so much. I listen and read about others who are really struggling with big, giant, behaviors and issues and I feel like an outsider because we don't deal with it on a constant basis. I'm relieved that we aren't living in that level of chaos daily and guilt ridden by the relief.

And then we have an episode like the one a few Fridays ago that rolled into Saturday and I feel silly for letting myself believe we were in such a great place.  We can't be. The trauma will require life-long adjustments and healing. We always have to be prepared to deal with the triggers and the false sense of stability sometimes knocks me on my ass. When it was daily I felt like I was always at the ready. But when the rage and tantrums come out of nowhere, I feel like I'm totally unprepared. And for whatever reason, those really great trauma parenting skills I've learned are hard to tap into at those moments.

Sarah is struggling right now. She's watching Stella get some responsibility and freedom since entering middle school. There is a major case of envy. Add to that a parent visit day at school and her birthday and mine and we have all the ingredients for a triggered kiddo.  So of course the logical thing for my Sarah to do is just start doing what she wants.

For example:

Me: Where are you going? You are getting on the bus to day care. I will pick you up there after I run my errands.
Sarah: I know

Me: Hello?
Hubby: I got a call from the principal. He said Sarah got confused and started to walk home from school. She said you told her she was going home with you. He told her Mom would pick her up from day care later but he was worried about the wording being triggering that you weren't picking her up now.

Later that day I notice a car driving up and down the street slowing in front of our house. Sarah and Smiley ask to go outside and two girls get out of the car. I go outside and the Mom waves to me and says: "I'll pick my daughters up at 7:30."

I'm sorry?

Me: Sarah?
Sarah: Remember I told you about my friend? I told you she was coming over.
Me: Excuse me? You told me!? I have 15 people coming over for a party in 30 minutes.  I certainly did not give permission, nor did we discuss it. After I get done explaining that to this Mom in my driveway you have some major explaining to do.

Commence Tantrum.

Stomping up stairs, throwing things off the bed. Trying to shut the door on me. Pounding on the floor so loudly the people below setting up for the party could hear. Screaming and yelling. "You're not the boss of me. I don't have to listen. You aren't my Mmm....."

She stayed in her room all night and woke up in much the same space the next morning. When I asked her to sit on the floor for her safety and she iron gripped the bed frame, I called our therapist, something I've not done in the nearly 3 years they have lived with us.

She coached me through the technique. Directed no consequences. Helped me get out of my "typical parenting brain". By the time I went back into Sarah's room, she had gotten unstuck and started with "I'm sorry.". 

She wet the bed that night.

And then it was like it was out of her system.  We even managed a visit with Sheila the next day. No issues.

Thunder

We've had some pretty bad storms here in Chicagoland. Sarah's PTSD kicks in during thunderstorms and tonight she knocked on my door and said she couldn't fall asleep and didn't know what to do.

This was huge! Huge. Bedtime was already going to be tricky as the town next to us had fireworks tonight and they were so close to us, the finale shook the house. She was already triggered heading to bed.

In the past, she's shared memories of being with her biological family and being made to walk outside during evening storms to another building to use the bathroom. We have no idea if this was once or frequent but we do know that she was under the age of 5. This coupled with her witnessing of domestic violence means that loud noises and darkness are triggers to her PTSD.

Most kids are afraid of thunderstorms. But as I Kaye's in her bed with her, I could feel her entire body shake. But we reached a point where she could trust me enough to 1) tell me there was a problem 2)tolerate my safe touch, 3) allow me to lay with her and calm down. I told her sometimes people say the thunder is the Angels bowling. We talked about how to ask our angels for help. I reminded her why she is afraid of storms. We focused on listening to the rain on the roof and we counted the time between lightning bolts and thunder claps. She said the last trick helped and when I felt her body calm, I left her to sleep. Which she did.

It's so hard to see my kiddo at a total loss of how to self soothe but I am so proud that she was able to tap in and use her tools to get help to get there. But man, 5 years later and the trauma and danger are still real for her. It's moments like this where the Mama Bear in me wants to hunt down the idiots who were supposed to be taking care of her and give them a taste of their own medicine.

Alphabet Soup

I was late. This is not unusual but I try very hard not to be late to pick up my kids because their experience is that Moms and Dads aren't reliable and sometimes don't come back. I was complaining to Hubby that is had a really hard day. I was anxious about all the new changes at work. I had a bad headache that was turning into a migraine and I was really tired. He told me I should bow out of therapy and escape to our room for the night and he would handle life. (I did that for him the day before as he was starting a new job today and he was feeling anxious.)

When I pulled up and saw the fire truck outside the building I knew it was going to be a rough night and there would be no break. I was right.

The fire alarm went off at daycare. The firefighters and police showed up. The kids were ushered to a safe place and there was no danger but that doesn't matter to the brain of a kid with PTSD. Nope. She was terrified. The minute I showed up I could tell she was still in dissociative mode. The new teacher was, of course, oblivious. 

Of all the days to be late, I pick the day where the authorities show up with their sirens and lights and loud noisy alarms have been ringing. And the minute I locked eyes with Sarah I knew she was struggling to keep it together. Because that's what kids with RAD do. Her eyes started to water immediately. On and off from there until bed time she alternated between crying and not crying. 

She asked right away to play Sad, Mad, Glad at dinner. Each person goes around the table and names one thing from the day that mad them feel each of the emotions. I knew it was her way of trying to tell us she wanted to talk about what happened. That's what kids who are healing do. 

She went first and said she was mad that the fire alarm went off and then she started to cry again. It was so hard for her to talk about. She was mad she felt scared because she knew she was safe. Once again, we explained her PTSD. We explained she has no control. We explained that at some point her body reacted like that to unsafe situations. We demonstrated that Simon and Stella were also worried and scared when it happened. (Smiley of course was just fine because in her world that's the  way it is.)

Then we discovered that Stella is being bullied by a kid in her class. The "that other kid is my friend and I don't want you near her" variety. And this kid is at daycare and was also mean to Sarah when she stood up for Stella. So of course that brought tears. So did the math homework and the spelling practice. 

Of all the nights for a migraine....But we kept calm. We stayed patient. We got therapy, dinner, and homework accomplished and everyone went to bed. Including me, at 10pm which is something I never do.

It was a win for us today. It took a lot of work, but it was a win.

Today's Trigger Brought To You By Mangos

I spent a lot of time this weekend rocking my children. It's a little more difficult to do when they are 10 years old but that's what trauma looks like.  Today's trigger was a mango.  Like the fruit.  It reminded one of a former foster home and all of the loss came crashing down around her.  Then the other one felt the loss and it all came crashing down on her.  It was a repeat of a few days earlier, post visit with Sheila. The letter with the questions was left behind and hat caused upset. Then Smiley and Simon decided to scratch and spit on each other in the car on the way home from the visit.  (They spend an hour driving each way.) So they went to bed crying while the other two cried about the letter and the loss of their Mom.  Stella was also upset about the baby clothes that she saw in the closet. Complex feelings for kids all under the age of 10. 

We went over again the reasons the kids are being adopted, "Remember how we discussed your Mom's problems with depression and how she choses relationships where people got hurt? The judge said she didn't fix the things that she needed to prove she could take care of you?  She loves you, she just can't take care of you like she needs to."

Stella isn't sure she wants to be adopted today.  And that's ok.  We reassured her that she can feel that way.  We went over the importance of sharing those feelings and reminded her that we understand that and that she won't hurt our feelings. 

She has lost so much. siblings, family, culture.  She's never had stability for more than a few months.  All of this is scary. "I must try and control everything and be perfect" kind of scary.

Sarah had a tough weekend with loss but also with her PTSD.  Loud noises and sirens are a big trigger for her PTSD.  We know she struggles with fireworks so we tried to prepare for that. We talked about it, we bought her ear plugs and we gave her the choice to stay home from the fireworks show (special time with Dad). Nope. She was going. And she decided that she wanted to try to watch without her ear plugs. She was a little skittish but as we waited for our town's show to start we could see 3 other neighboring towns.  She started out sitting and watching them on her own.  When it got to be a little much she came and sat on my lap  She had no issues until the finale. I think the noise was just too fast for her to calm herself down between the booms. What I love, though, is as soon as she's regulated she's like "that was awesome".  She just get right back up.

After his sisters melted down at dinner, I checked in with Simon.

"Simon, how are you feeling about all this stuff?"

"I'm kind of excited to be adopted." It's that simple for him.

Smiley, she acted out about the visit in the car and that was about it. My guess is she didn't get much attention and whatever attention she did get was negative as the kids fall into bad habits at visits. Of course everyone was like "Little miss smiley scratched someone? I don't believe it!" She's generally happy and smart and a little lady. Seriously, the kid wears a dress or skirt all.the.time. Most mornings she tells me she has nothing to wear. She has a great giggle and a beautiful smile and so its hard to believe she's the most stubborn kid I've ever met.  When she doesn't want to do something she doesn't do it.  One day she will use her powers for good instead of evil. :)  
 

Trauma Assessment

I'm a little weary today. We got the results of Simon and Smiley's trauma assessments yesterday. I'm not sure what I was expecting but my heart broke hearing that Simon is in a constant state of fear and is suffering from clinically diagnosed anxiety. His PTSD is in the 90th percentile. And if we don't get some hard work done now he will likely be diagnosed with RAD later on.

I began crying when they described picturing him at 2 or 3 listening to domestic violence in the next room. Unable to understand or put words or pictures to the sounds he was stuck in a fear state an has no idea how to stop worrying.

Smiley is always a little sad. Which probably means her smile is often phony. She spends a great deal of time in a dissociated state. Their biggest concern is that she won't be able to cope with another move. She has quite a few risk factors for an attachment diagnosis down the road as well. 

It just hurts my heart that these beautiful kids were not cared for. And that we are still trying to send them back to the Mom who didn't do her job. Maybe it's helpful for me to be reminded exactly how much damage this woman did to her children. She may not have hit them, but she care for them either.

We have a lot of work to do as a family to heal some of this hurt, if it can be healed. An important task is ahead.