Well Hello There Trauma

So just before school began, I started to write a blog post that started like this:

Well, well, well. Trauma-related behavior, so nice of you to stop by just before school starts. You've been gone so long, I *almost* forgot what you looked like. But I suppose it is mid-August and nearly September so that means it's time for Sarah to freak out. It could also be the fall out from visits with Birth Mom, Big Brother, and a Random Text from Birth Dad.

We've had a few raging tantrums but Friday both Sarah and Smiley had major issues. The was preceded by Simon also really struggling the day before. 

And that is as far as I got.  I had planned to go into detail about the tantrums, attitude, ripping of paper, pushing of tables, throwing of pillows, screeching, and slamming of feet/doors/hands during this epic day of rage but that didn't happen.  And what I really wanted to share was the verbal grenade of "You're not my Mom!" coming at me and the strange "earning of stripes" I felt afterward, but that didn't happen either.

Why? Because kids. Because when the trauma related stuff kicks in, it knocks me on my ass with exhaustion.  Because I wish and will the trauma away at times.  I like to pretend I have no new material for a foster care, early childhood trauma blog and quite frankly I resented having stuff to write about.  And while I feel guilty watching parents in other support groups and blogs struggle with parenting children in The System and Hard Places, because my kids "look so healthy", I much prefer that to the reminder that all Hell can break loose here at any moment because of trauma.

I realize I haven't written very much this year. Upon reflection, I think a large reason why I've not written is the resentment that trauma still lingers.  That perhaps this is the same old thing, and you lovely readers are tired of reading about it.  That perhaps no System related drama or suspense doesn't make for very good blog material.

But maybe there are readers out that that are in the same place as me, and I realized that perhaps you needed to read about some other Mom out there being resentful of the trauma or other special need. Maybe you are a tired Mom who just wishes that some magic wand would come and undo all of the hurt and pain your children carry around with them.  Maybe there is a Mom that gets blindsided when for weeks or months their house looks like a "typical house" and then all of a sudden  - BAM - trauma drops in to remind you that it never really leaves.

And while we have come far, really far, it's not enough to re-wire brain pathways and remove cellular level trauma, and it never will be. And that is the reality we have to deal with and sometimes, I don't want to. 

When the Doorbell Rings

Just when I think I'm going to run out of stuff to Blog about, the Universe comes in and goes "NOPE".

I'm sorry to bum everyone out with my grief posts. It's the way I process all of the feelings so that I can go back to my every day responsibilities of mothering my family.  I purge it here and then I can muster up the composure for my kids.... who seem to be doing okay by the way.  When I mentioned the new schedule will be pretty close to how it will be after Solana officially leaves Sarah responded "oh, well then I don't care that she is moving because this is fine." She clarified that she does care, but it's not this big thing that they were worried about and that she would disappear from our lives like her other family. Solana left for her visit earlier this week and for the 3rd time when the doorbell rang she immediately started to cry, and we weren't even one the 1st floor of the house with our coat on waiting. It was heartbreaking.

If you've been following along on Facebook you know that Sheila has left our state and gone back to where the kids' other 2 siblings are. She's not been back there for 4+ years.  She believes she can go help her youngest child there because they are "sick in the head" like Simon was and "since [Simon] has been with you he is fine...he just needs attention".  I responded with his actual diagnosis of PTSD, extreme anxiety, a suspected physical abuse history, and a rule out for RAD but that of course didn't mean anything to her.

What I thought in my head: Simon is healing, but he is not fine. He will probably struggle with these things his whole life. And its because of intense therapy and a ridiculous amount of structure and consistency that he is doing so well.  

She tried to explain to me why she left the other kids behind and I think she believes being there now somehow makes up for that abandonment.  Of course we know that isn't going to fix anything and I worry that she will decide to bring them back here and it will become another decision for us to make. I'm hoping she went out of state to give birth (if she is pregnant) and that she will stay there*.

She did send amazing pictures of the kids that we will treasure and cherish. We also got videos of some family members and she decided to have a call with the kids.  These were appreciated and I told her so. It almost made up for her popping into our lives with this other drama. Almost.

I'm not sure how long she will stay there but she did not acknowledge or ask about Solana in any way while she was on the phone, even though Solana was screaming in the background. After she spoke to the kids she thanked me for taking care of "her" kids and said that she knows "four is a lot" and "thank you for doing my job basically" and that I'm a strong woman she looks up to. It felt very much like the things she would say to me when we had just become the foster parents.  And I wanted to scream: FIVE. I HAVE FIVE OF YOUR KIDS. AND THEY ARE NOW MINE AND I AM DOING YOUR JOB BECAUSE I AM THEIR MOTHER.

I don't know how much her family knows about the adoption but maybe someone was having a heart to heart with her?  Regardless, I'm over here watching her walk away from her baby and I just can't even wrap my head around it. I only arrive at the answer that she must be in some major denial. I'm sure this has to do with the timing of Solana's case and return home and maybe she will get some support but a cross country trek and then a side trip the other direction for a day or two just seems like she must be in some sort of episode.

So we have birth sister leaving, birth family coming out of the woodwork, and Stella has a family tree project that she misses for school.

Special instructions: If you are adopted you are special. You may choose either family.

Yeah...I re-read the sentence a few times so I could make sure I wasn't reading into it the wrong way. It really is as offensive as it seems to those of us in fostercareland. But people don't understand that. ::sigh:: Okay, I guess I'll educate everyone.

We are not choosing. ALL of these people are family. They make up the whole child.  Would you tell a bi-racial child they needed to pick either their white family or black family to include? No? Okay, well same goes for adoption. And while yes my kid is special, she isn't special because she is adopted. Just like she isn't special because she has black hair. The implication there is "different". Now perhaps my kid doesn't want to explain to everyone she is adopted, but certainly the traditional family tree model doesn't work for the majority of families anymore either?  What about divorced or deceased parents? (Or your biological sibling who has a different father and isn't related to either your mom or your dad!?!) Its crazy making. We can't be the ONLY adoptive family in the district .And the saddest thing is I love the ancestry and family make-up projects. Stella missing the deadline for it meant we didn't get to sit down and really go over and share about the people she was naming on her tree.

Oh well, I guess we do it with Sarah in two years. Hopefully, by then, the alternative format will be available.

*Sheila in the other state means that we are not put in another impossible position. If she is pregnant and she has a baby, then we don't have to make a choice. I don't want her to be pregnant and I don't want the baby to be in harms way if she is, but I don't want to have to follow her down the rabbit hole of poor choices.

Mother of the Year.

As I mentioned on Facebook, Monday was a rough night. It was my fault because I wasn't staying patient. Wasn't being therapeutic and was definitely PMSing. It was ugly. I, was ugly. 

I admit that because I'm not perfect. I think its a helpful reminder to read about other's admissions of imperfection, especially during the holidays when everyone is wearing matching sweaters, building insanely cute gingerbread houses, and sharing pictures of holiday gatherings.

Not us.

Nope.

I screamed. I yelled. I swore. 

And I didn't want to be near my kids. And they weren't really even the reason I was feeling out of sorts. Sure I was mad that once again a bowl of milk was left sitting on a table all day and that no one did the dishes or took out the garbage or fed the dog. But if I were being really honest, I was just really beat down by the stress of work, school, and foster care. And I was dreading my period and the disappointment that would come with it, after opening another Christmas Card announcing someone else's pregnancy. Because with the turn of the calendar my baby is leaving. And I'm not pregnant with a baby who can't leave because I am their mother.

All of those complex feelings swirling around and no real outlet to place them wasn't a good thing.

But I repaired. I apologized. I told them I loved them even if I was disappointed. I told them that it was okay if there were disappointed in me. And I ended with tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start.

And it was. 

We headed to a friend's bar to watch the Blackhawks win. They happily ate quesadillas bigger than their heads. We cheered and danced and just spent time together.

We took advantage of no homework tonight and watched Fuller House as a family.  At some point Sarah realized that Solana wasn't home.  I reminded her she was on her visits until Friday and she broke down. "When she moves, will we ever see her again?" 

"Yes. Yes, we will." And the confidence I had in that statement reassured my daughter who has probably been working up the nerve to ask that question for weeks. I reminded her it was okay to be sad and then she got a hug and went back to her night. 

Also I totally ordered pizza and let my kids eat in front of the television. There. Hope that makes someone feel better about themselves!

I have a confession

I am not the Pinterest Mom I wish I had time to be. I've not puréed baby food. I've not warmed a bottle that wasn't in the refrigerator first. We didn't dye Easter eggs. Our Valentines were store bought. And tonight as I was feeding the baby her prepackaged peach purée, I decided that was totally okay. 

As the Mom I always hoped to be, I'm a total failure. I'm notoriously late with the tooth fairy payments and this past week I told the one kiddo that maybe the tooth fairy didn't come because she knew she was going to have 4 cavities. Fun snacks of ant on a log- ha! Go get some carrots and put them in a ziplock because I have no idea where the lid is to the reusable container.

And while my kids do tolerate the dressing alike (for now), none of those outfits were hand made. And while I've thrown together some decent felt costumes, none of my children have the memory quilts I planned to make them (in my head). 

And you know what? Also totally okay. Because I'm doing the best I can, with what I've got, on any given day. 

Sometimes by the hour. Sometimes by the minute.

I took a women's studies course in college. One of the papers I wrote was on the "Evolution of the Kitchen" and how the advent of modern day appliances pushed women out of the kitchen into the work force rewarding them with new found independence and double the work as they continued to be responsible for housework and child rearing. 

And as women, as moms, we judge the others and ourselves against some ideal that may not even be important to us if we stopped long enough to ponder it.

Do I really want to make my children's clothes? No. I miss being crafty but the trade off is I'm getting my Masters Degree. 

Are my kids harmed by having to get their own snack? Nope. In fact, it's probably a life skill. 

The best I can, with what I've got, at any given moment.  

The great thing about this mantra? It can change! You can repair! You can forgive yourself for whatever transgression (real or perceived) and move on. It's applicable to others too! 

Who else is struggling with guilt about not feeling like you are doing enough or the "right way"? Leave it in the comments and walk away from it! 

If I'm Being Honest

Warning: This is a really honest post.  I fully acknowledge that towards the end of cases things get way harder for everyone.  It also gets harder to keep the rational part of my brain the loudest voice in my head.  This is not a "rah rah" post for blended families.  This is not a positive post about biological mothers.  This is my honest to goodness reaction. Its a way for me to attempt to let go of the feelings.  A place to put them so others understand if they have felt the same way.  I may change my mind later about how I feel, they are my emotions and I am allowed to feel them.  I' always telling my kids to let it out, I need to follow my own advice.

I love the feedback and honest reactions from readers - that being said please no flaming.  I'm sharing honestly so others can see how this path can feel at times.
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We received a request today to move the "last scheduled visit" to a week later.  The request came from Bio Mom for her to "heal after giving birth later this month". (This visit is 3 weeks after she is to give birth.)

Because I'm me, I of course checked to see if we had anything scheduled on the new day.  Then I got really, really mad.

Why should the kids have to delay further? I mean after 3 months , what's another week? But then its the same week as school starting and the kids already had the date on their calendar.

Hubby said "its not an unreasonable request".

I said, "I don't give a sh*t. Don't get flipping pregnant. How about that? How about the last act as their Mom, you put them ahead of yourself. Nope. She's going to be selfish right up to the very last moment."

Even if she has a C-section, what exactly does she need to heal from*, 4 weeks later, that she can't spend  2 hours with her children?  Newsflash - if the baby was going home with her she would need to take the baby to doctors appointments, the grocery store, etc. She would need to be up every few hours for feedings and changing.  But she isn't doing that. Another Mom is going to do that. But I bet money she'll find away for a visit with the baby before she has "time to heal". If she had been successful in working her plan, she'd have 5 kids to take care of. So I'm really struggling with a 2 hour visit being a big deal.

I'm especially pissy about it because of all the promises she made - I'll sign the surrender, I'll meet with the kids' therapists, I'll write a letter to help the kids move on. And if she had - this would be a non-issue. I'm not over it. I'm just not. I don't even really feel like trying to get over it. She was wrong and my kids were hurt and for some reason witnessing it and having to manage the fall out from it makes it so much worse than all other things she did to hurt them in their short lives,

I wanted to bargain with Caseworker #3, sure we can move it back provided its in the therapists' office. Otherwise, no. Then I got mad that she put us in the hot seat. Technically, DCFS can set the visit whenever they want because they have custody of the kids.  They have tried to be considerate to me because I've tried to be flexible and have sound reasoning when I push on something, which hasn't been a lot in this case. I also need to continue to work with these people because we still don't have an adoption worker and DCFS can still force sibling visits if they want.

I instead threw back questions and sent an email to the therapy team and CASA worker.

Because when the week rolls around, I'm sure there will be another excuse. I have a gut feeling she isn't going to have a goodbye visit.  It will be too hard for her and I don't think she has any intention of staying in their life and she's taken steps to ensure that she can paint us as the bad guys. Its self-sabotage.

And you know what, I have enough crappy stuff on my plate and I don't care about what she wants or what is easiest for her.  She's been reproducing children and letting everyone else worry about it and it is literally sickening me.

I had a panic attack in the car on the way home.  I've been shaking all day and I'm having anxiety pains. She can kiss my ass.  That's how I feel about pushing the date.

*I understand that being pregnant and giving birth is physically hard and takes a toll on the body.  I also get that emotionally having your infant placed in foster care will also be hard and so would losing custody of your other children. But women have been birthing and caring for children after birth, for thousands of years. Why does she get another pass?

 

Just Done

My post from yesterday about the insensitive family members didn't save or publish. :( I've decided today that I'm tired. Tired of fighting others for what comes so naturally to me. Acceptance. Of other children. Of other families- of all shapes and sizes. Of differences. 

We fall into that category. We are an adoptive family. My children are not my "natural" children. They don't look like me. They come from another culture. A different economic class. We aren't seen as an equal to biological families and the world seems determined to remind me of that today and I'm just done. D.O.N.E. Done.

It's not the same kind of fight as racial equality or marriage equality but it's in a similar category. How my family is formed doesn't really affect how your family operates so why do you feel the need to belittle it? And the fact that you don't even realize that is what your are doing, says more than your hurtful words and your turned down nose. Why can't everyone just stop being jerk faces and worry about themselves? 

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I spent part of my day writing a letter against sibling visits with the new baby. It goes against everything I believe in but highlights everything that is wrong with the foster care system: Policies that don't address every situation and leave no room for common sense. Foster parents who bear the brunt of poor decision making on the part of others and kids who languish in limbo. Not to mention resources burned through for the fun of it. I actually included a sentence that if the court process had been timely we wouldn't even be having this discussion. I also included a sentence to the effect: If you people pulled your heads out of your asses you wouldn't be giving her a chance to inflict trauma on a 7th kid when she walked away from 6 others and this would be moot because the sibling would just be placed with her siblings for adoption and by the way the other two in the other state she left behind haven't been kept in contact with so why do you think my four or the baby would be different? It might have been written a tad more tactful.... 

The really, really sad part is that I'm not sure the letter from us or the therapists with the clinical recommendation is going to help and I have feeling deep down that the state of Illinois is actually going to pay an agency to drive 4 kids ages 6-10- an hour each way to go sit and stare at a baby.

Oh but Foster Mom R- you could supervise. Ummm no I can't. Because if I'm being really, really honest with myself I want a baby more at this moment then I ever have in all my life. Now when it makes no sense, and it's clear I couldn't do it without all kinds of medical intervention, at the worst possible time in terms of other crap we are dealing with and all kinds of other responsibilities, I want a baby. And I would get attached to the baby that is not meant to be mine and it would trigger my unresolved grief of my fertility and I would fall apart with each visit. 

So clearly I need to get on the ball and get myself back into therapy to talk some of this crap out of my system. Because I've got the above mentioned other stuff I have to handle.