Delay

The good news is our foster care license has been renewed for another four years and our new home passed inspection.  The licensing worker tried to get me to add another two beds for a total of six. 

Umm...that's a no. In fact, its a not on your life.

But what about the baby? If you want to take the baby I will have to come back out. 

You have to come back in 6 months anyway.  We'll just call it that visit.  (And the last time they extended our license for siblings no one came back out so I'm not really sure that was correct.) And I'm not getting all those phone calls.  I will only possibly take the sibling.  We haven't discussed it yet.

The bad news is we still do not have a trial date.  The status hearing that has been continued since October was re-set for April. 7 months since the goal change.  Additionally, Sheila wants to have their next monthly visit at an arcade which is 1 1/2 hours from our house.  That makes their visit a 7 hour ordeal.

For months I have patiently took the approach that this is a few last visits and not commented other than to suggest their life books be worked on.  But the last visit in the community was pretty stressful on the kids and created a situation where old behaviors resumed and haven't left. But now that we have at least another 2 visits before the next court date I can't bite my tongue.

I called the CASA Worker.  Calmly expressed my concern over the speed of permanency and the type, length, and location of the visits.  She can spend 3 hours in the car.  They aren't working to return home so it makes no sense as to why the visits have to be near her community.  Transport her or shorten the visit. They therapists are also not in favor with the current visitation plans.

Caseworker #3's response is this is Bio Mom's time to do with as she sees fit as long as it is appropriate. Banging my head on the wall.

No one cares about my opinion.  I know that.  Nothing will change.  I know that too.  But I also demanded that a Family/Team meeting be scheduled.  That at least, I can make a stink about.

To be honest, I'm feeling pretty over being in the system. The limbo in which the kids are stuck is pointless and it makes me angry.  They can't really attach until they are sure they are staying.  They also can't process anything until we can tell them that adoption is officially the goal.  The "you aren't working on going home anymore but we are waiting for the judge" is a confusing concept. Smiley's version to my Mom was "there is a Judge now and she says my other Mommy didn't take care of us."

I just want to be done. Put my house together, work on running and school and raise my kids without the input of others. 




 

Exhausted

We are in the thick of the hardest part of being a foster parent. Dealing with the system. Make up visits, missed calls from Mom, finding therapists and doctors.

I actually forgot we had a rescheduled appointment tonight until one of the kids reminded me. (I'm not back in the habit of carting my MomAgenda everywhere yet.) and while talking to the therapist who came to our home tonight the kids let the dog out of his crate and he helped himself to my hamburger on the table.

I'm daunted by the task at hand today. I know how much good we can do. I know how much the kids need us to do this good. I just want to call a time out.

I hopped over to an online retail store tonight to look for inspiration. A search of books and foster care, left me even more depressed about how much overhaul the system needs. It should be this hard to get what the kids need, what our family needs. I actually had to point the transportation company contracted by the state to the state safety belt laws today. 

Banging my head against the wall.

Busy Week

Two months ago we got a call about a sibling set of four that have the same caseworker as the Fab Four. (She really needs a blog name.) I got an email last week from the licensing worker and asked if we'd heard from the CW. Apparently the Spanish speaking foster home that was going to take all four (they have been separated two different homes for 6 months) fell through. 

So the email was circulating that the CW was looking for a place that would take all four. So our liscensing worker got in touch. And we had another discussion about taking the case.

The goal is return home. However, this is the Mom's third go round with the system. And has lost custody to at least one other child. (There is a 2 year old with a friend that isn't in the system.) that's a total of 6 kids. And a failed reunification and failed in tact services.

One of the current foster moms got in touch with me and gave me the scoop from her perspective. When the two move out of her house the other sibling of another group of kids she has will move in. And once again I bang my head against the wall. Moving two kids to a family that has said yes twice means two different groups of siblings get to be together and you are worried about finding a bi-lingual home for kids who speak English? Just makes no sense to me. (And reinforces my idea of an exchange of sorts where foster parents plan placements.) the main goal is reunification. Sibling sets need to live together in order to return home to bio parents. If Maria had had the behaviors I had when all four of the Fab Four moved in she would not have made it. 

AND in our state prior to petitioning for termination, the kids have to be in a preadoptive home. 

We will see what happens. They talked of winter break being the time to move them but the CW supervisor said something about exhausting reunification efforts prior to placing with us. My response was that we are ready to take a traditional foster placement.

In other news, I saw my Sarcoidosis specialist today. Her first words to me when she saw me were- you were in my dream a few weeks ago. Not often do you have a doctor who knows her stuff but also openly shares her faith. She recently moved to a less prestigious medical institution with a lower class population of patients and she couldn't be happier. She likened it to her "foster care work". In that, these patients really need her expertise. And here she was making a big deal about me being a foster parent when she's the person who made it possible because she worked towards getting me healthy and recognized when I needed more help.

We talked about the infertility and pregnancy risks for me. It really gave some things to think about and of course - I have a ton of testing to do. 

We leave Tuesday for Disney World and I can't wait! I so need a break and I think this trip really will be relaxing. When we went the week after the kids left, I was too numb. And while we had fun, I never really relaxed. I cried into the t-shirt I picked for Gabby in the middle of the store. It was bad.

And if you have a moment- I have a special prayer request. My friend who was a second Mom to me, is in the ICU in a coma. Please pray that she wakes up on her own this weekend. She makes the world a better place. Thank you.

A State of Confusion

It's a good thing I sell Mary Kay products (well I used to...parenting my kids leaves little time for that anymore.) and can get skin care and anti-aging products at cost because the lines from this permanent look of puzzlement on my face are becoming deeper.

I got a call from caseworker this evening. She wanted to let me know that at family therapy Jelly Bean threw a fit because her little brother attended. She hit him, and hid under a table and then refused to come out or participate. Caseworker had all kinds of questions about her medication and if that could be the culprit and wondered if a hospitalization trial assessment was in order. But she said she calmed down enough to go to her visit.

The first question I asked was - How did Mom handle the behavior at the session?

The answer- "I didn't think to ask."

Apparently my suggestion that this was situational and a result of Mom's lack of structure and discipline was not appreciated. Nor was my reminder that a few weeks ago everyone wanted me to take her off the meds. And that blaming the medication was perhaps misguided given the changes the kid clearly isn't handling.

What are we doing here if we aren't asking ourselves the question- how did or can she handle? And sure let the parent who has handled be the one to set up the evaluation and psychiatrist appointment. (Which Mom got of this week because she wasn't "clear on the visit expectations".)

If you were so concerned then why did she proceed to the visit? And if we are so concerned then why isn't Mom participating in her mental health care? In 60 some days she will solely be responsible for these appointments. And if you didn't want my input then why did you ask me?

I didn't think to ask her.

Of course not. And not thinking is what has us all here the night before another status hearing 31 months later.

Feeling Slightly Steadier

The meeting with the caseworker and her new supervisor wasn't that productive although I did vent quite a bit. Hopefully, she'll get it and I don't have to keep beating the dead horse. She tried to fall on the sword and say that she was slowing this down due to the departmental changes.  Sorry sweetie. Not going to work. This has been going on for 2 years.

We did get out of them the following:

• The first overnight will happen. Then they will have family therapy and then have another overnight visit the next weekend.
• Typically from the 1st overnight visit they look at moving them home in 60-90 days.
• We are to receive a plan for how often the caseworker shall be touching base.
• They are not inclined to try to find another foster home so if we can't finish teh transition they would likely move the kids home sooner provided the judge allowed.

She also tried to tell us that this is normal for fosterparents to feel frustrated because its painful and you are grieving.  Which I get but when you have no idea what is supposed to happen after next week and the kids are totally out of whack it doesn't really help to hear that. "Oftern foster parents find its too hard and so they ask us to speed up the process". You live week by week lady with 4 bickering screaming children and tell me what you'd be asking other people to do.

Grrr.

Then the CASA worker came over and she tried to talk us off the ledge too. Put things in perspective. Which was nice of her. But she also gets to see the big picture and so its easier for her to put all the pieces together and feel better about it.  In any event, our request for communication and a plan will be well documented.

So best case scenario the kids will return home right after their break,  Which makes this a little easier to deal with. Which makes me feel bother better and stronger. More equipped.

But man, it still hurts like hell.

My Post Didn't Publish...

So I wrote this great post about the conversation Hubby and I had over the weekend, and somehow it got lost...

We arrived at the decision that we just need information in order to decide if we can do this. If they can't give us the information then WE will give them the date.

So I drafted an email expressing that it was clear the communication issues weren't taken seriously. In light of that and the behavior we are dealing with and the lack of plan I needed the dates for the transition by the end of the week so that we can decide if we can continue "to be advocates for the children and remain a healing environment". I expressed that without the support of the system I wasn't sure we could continue.

Yeah. The possible disruption of the 2 year foster home got some attention. The new supervisor of the caseworker called to "talk about the case". We set a meeting for tomorrow morning because she wanted to make sure "you have enough time". Then the CASA worker emailed. First a "it'll get better" email. Then she asked to set up a meeting to "hear our concerns". She has only met with us once and only the day she met the kids.

I meant my email. I need the information because I can't live like this and neither should the kids and I need to decide if I'm going to stick around for the matinee performance of the circus. Luckily, the kids therapists witnessed firsthand as one was greatest with wailing of a trantruming child while walking up to our door. And the others directions were completely ignored.

We'll see what everyone has to say. In any event, we out going out in the city this weekend and are even going to spend the night so no one has to drive home. I got a new little black dress (well a black dress anyway) with a sassy red and rhinestone belt and a hair appointment.

If you don't feel good you can look good. That's my motto.

And Action!

If only it were that simple. The idea that I could make something start or finish by saying so is my dream right now. Instead I'm directing all the drama surrounding me. Well trying to deflect at least....

So after the judge stated that she saw no evidence of the foster parents sabotaging the case Bio Mom goes and tells LM (during the visit) that her foster parents are trying to keep her from her. That we are trying to keep her for ourselves. And then she brought up the trauma therapists alleged statement about "God shouldn't have given her these 4 kids because she doesn't deserve them".

It's exhausting these conversations about the same make believe issue over an over. The kids haven't even spoken to that therapist on 6 months. What does that possibly have anything to do with anything?

How about you take that energy and focus it on your kids? So LM confronts her in family therapy and she tells her she's entitled to her feelings. And then it comes out that its not so much Hubby as it is Foster Mom R. Because Hubby told her how much fun the kids seem to have although we are having some issues he sees some positives.

But Foster Mom R? She only talks about Gabby throwing up and JB raging and wetting and MM's nightmares and detentions and behavior at school.

I. AM. SO. TIRED. T.I.R.E.D of being the punching bag an the fall guy. The kids don't feel safe with their Mom so they take it out on me. Mom doesn't get the full story from the kids and takes it out on me. Instead of trying to figure out why I keep reporting the issues the approach becomes Foster Mom R is making this stuff up. Can't be true.

My evil ways must be the reason the kids punch each other. And I require such little sleep that I must place the nightmares in MM's head so he can wake me up at 2:30am several days a week. And I prefer chaos so I provoke JB to the point of rage and then demand she cry due to the shame.

I mean honestly. The level of ridiculous we just entered is a new proportion. And I get it. It's hard. And because the kids really haven't worked out their fears an built enough trust with their mom things are bound to be rough when the overnights start. And I get that it's hard to see your kids love another Mom. But you don't put that on them.

I also suspect she's laying the groundwork for blame in case this doesn't work out. It's much easier to say I lost my kids because the foster parent stole them. But that's simply not what's going on here. I'm doing my job to advocate for the kids. If she can't see it that's her problem. She can't see that she's only losing trust with her kids by accusing us and that makes me very sad.

And we spent time tonight processing, encouraging, and supporting. And reassuring that we are supporting the goal but if they don't work on it know with their Mom their issues won't be fixed. And that will mean that they won't feel safe on these visits or moving home.

And after all that the thing that brought me to tears was Jelly Bean. After processing. After struggling with her feelings and fear she very earnestly and with tears in her eyes said, "Mommy? Are you ever going to have kids that are yours forever?"

My answer was one I don't often accept from her. "I don't know." "I don't know what God has planned for me. What I do know I'd that I will always have a kid named Jelly bean, MM, Gabby, and LM right here in my heart."

Tired. Very Tired.

It came back to bite me...

Of course it did. I put it out there that we were having a good day and then hoped and prayed that family therapy would be non-eventful. Not so much.

Family Therapist decided that the day before our road trip to Orlando would be the opportune time to give Gabby the letters from her Dad in jail. You know the letters the team had said she shouldn't know about for a while because she already has so many issues to work out with Mom and her anxiety is high enough. The letters Mom decided to relay to her in a message about having a surprise for her from her Dad.

And while this was happening Mom was left alone with the other kids. Did we not learn the first time that this shouldn't be happening since that's how the issue began in the first place.

The CASA's response? Remember kids are resilient. An with that my Hope that the kids will actually have an advocate working to protect them went right out the window.

It's never a good sign when the kids therapists email you and tell you you got the short end of the stick- again.

You'd think we'd be used to it by now....