I Should Have Shut My Mouth

So as I was typing: "So far the summer has been fairly quiet in terms of trauma related issues, and foster care." I actually thought to myself, don't type that. The moment you type that, the Universe is going to send some your way. And sure enough, it did. Ugh.

Shortly after I wrote the July update post, I found out that the kids' older brother was coming to visit Shiela. The kids hadn't seen him in at least 5 years. They literally got on a bus and never saw him again. Smiley was around the age of 3. Simon, who was the only one that had lived with his brothers was 4. He remembers his brothers and has talked the most about missing them in the past. When Solana was returning home, this was a big part of the grief and fear he felt. 

About a week after I found out Big Brother was coming to visit, Sheila sent me a message and asked if we could have a visit with Big Brother and the kids. 

Since we had been helping Solana's Dad "SD" out with childcare, I offered to supervise some visits for Sheila and Solana.  I didn't want any family court drama aimed at SD for lack of visitation since he was being so generous with her spending time with her siblings. This came with a predictable amount of frustration. Lack of planning, cancelling, inconvenient visit times. There was even a message exchange where she was trying to draw me in to the trash talking. So I was slightly nervous about a visit with Big Brother because if it fell through, the kids would be crushed.

There was also a fair amount of worry about how long Big Brother was staying.  Was it 2 weeks, a month? Forever? Was I going to get a call because something happened and now The Department was involved? Could we take on a 14 year old if we had to? How did Big Brother feel about a visit? Was he supportive of the adoption? Jealous? Did he have enough emotional support for reuniting with his siblings? 

Hubby and I also felt we needed to prepare the kids for such a big visit so it wasn't as if we could tell them on the way to the visit. we met with our amazing therapist and came up with a "talk track" and canned answers to anticipated questions.  

The kids were excited and very nervous.  Mostly, they were nervous about what to say to Big Brother. We came up with a list of questions of things they wanted to know about him and decided on the zoo as the best place for a visit.  Thank you to everyone who gave us suggestions! They were helpful for planning this visit and future ones!

What was interesting was that they seemed very indifferent to Sheila.  It was a "I could take her or leave her" vibe.  We've seen her more than I expected we would but it is mainly because of Solana.  I think this is fine, but I also try to be cautious as some of the conversations her and I have had were very reminiscent of "your just their foster parent".  It's so hard to know what the right balance is.

Overall, the visit went well.  We spent a good part of the day at the zoo.  We sought shelter during a rain storm and played Heads Up on my phone.  Ice Cream and Sarah broke the ice.  Simon struggled and I don't think he ever worked up the nerve to say more than a few words to Big Brother.  At one point I confided in Big Brother that Simon really wanted to talk with him but was so nervous and had no idea what to say.  And Big Brother replied that he felt the same way.  It was sweet and heartbreaking at the same time. We ended up having dinner together and I was able to exchange phone numbers with him so hopefully the kids will be able to chat and keep in touch.  There were a few mannerisms he and Simon shared and him and Sarah have the same sense of humor. I'm glad we had the opportunity to see him and I am appreciative that Sheila gave us the opportunity.

Open Adoption- Visit

I had reached out to Sheila to let her know the adoption would soon be final and to set up a visit so she wouldn't have to ask us. We were a few months away from the year mark of last seeing her and I thought it would be better if she could see all that we are trying to do to keep our children connected to their birth family. She of course put the ball in our court to plan the visit, so we did. 

We picked a garden in her town that the kids enjoying going to. It's the type of place you can only spend a few hours at so there would be a natural break in leaving. It's about an hour away so we also planned on getting lunch at a habachi resturant we really like.

Overall, I think the visit went well. We had prepped the kids at family therapy about things we wouldn't want to discuss (like Solana's permanency) but things that we were sure she'd want to hear about. School, camp, swimming. The kids were really nervous but afterwards they told us it was easier than they expected. Sheila respected our request that she let us parent Solana during the visit and towards the end I asked her if she wanted to hold Solana for a while, which she of course said yes to.

We tried to give her some space with the kids, letting them wander through the paths without us and taking pictures of them together. She also asked me if it was ok if she took their picture and I agreed. I thought is was nice she asked. She brought stuffed animals for the kids and also let each of them pick something out from the gift shop. 

We hadn't really set an end time so when we reached the visitor center we invited her to lunch if she was free. She said she had a prior commitment and we began saying our goodbyes. Then she asked if she could get a picture of us with the kids and I suggested we take one all together. As she hugged the kids she asked if she could hug me as well and thanked me again for letting her have the visit. I told her we would try to do another one before school started. 

I think she did genuinely appreciate the chance to see them. The kids had a hard time conversing with her about anything other than the activity we were doing so there were moments of ackward silence. Sarah was upset about Sheila not coming to lunch. I can't figure out if that's because it felt like rejection to her or if her love language is quality time. Maybe both. Lunch ended up being chaos because the resturant was closed and then other places were busy. So it's better she didn't come with! 

All the kids were happy they saw her. Felt it went better than they expected and we managed to continue on with our day. We even managed to run a few errands with no issues. And dare I say, we've not had any fallout. We've also had a busy week so that probably helped.

Sheila did text to thank me yesterday and also let me know she found lice in Smiley's hair during the visit. It annoyed me but also exemplified the reason why she can't parent. It didn't dawn on her that I would need to know right away to take care of the problem. (Again.) (I actually researched salons that do the lice treatments and not picking for you last night. Either I missed some nits from the last outbreak or there is someone at camp that still has it. I didn't find many big/live bugs so I suspect this is a new infestation. But it was interesting bonding time for hubby and I as he was "helping" me look through her hair.)

Someone Check the Calendar.

When the letter for Solana's ACR came I noticed it fell during one of her visits.  So I waited a few weeks. No one called to reschedule.  So last week I called Caseworker #4 and asked if 1) anyone noticed 2) if the visit would be re-scheduled.

I'm going to jump up on my soap box for a minute here.  I think visits should get re-scheduled for case related events like ACR and court, but only if the Bio calls in advance to do so.  If you are going to be parenting children, you have to be able to look at a calendar and figure out where there might be conflicts.  Now we all forget some times, but I don't think it should be given that a visit, if missed for court or an ACR, should not count as missed simply because it is case related. I think it does the bios a disservice by allowing for any instances where they aren't required to be aware and plan ahead. Jumping off now...

He told me he would call the transport service and the parent with the visit. But no, no one but me had noticed the conflict.

Today rolled around.  Noon rolled around. Nothing.  So I called the transport company.

Nope they hadn't heard if the visit was cancelled.  They called the parent.  Parent said they were going to have it on a different day per Caseworker #4. Parent never called transport to cancel or verify.  Caseworker #4 never called transport. So of course said other day wasn't available. Transport called me to say yes visit was cancelled but that Caseworker #4 must be doing the visit since they relayed the new day.

OH.MY.WORD.

I said I sincerely doubted that Caseworker #4 was supervising and transporting for the visit.  But all I cared about was that I knew were my kiddo needed to be tomorrow.  Let me know when the make up visit was scheduled for.

What would they have done if I had not called? Why is it up to me? It shouldn't be. I don't want to hear how busy the workers at The Department are.  I work full time. I go to grad school.  I have 5 kids and I still managed to follow up.  Instead 4 calls (to me) later. 

So annoyed.

What's the longest river?

Answer: Denial.

It's ok. You can chuckle. Forgive the slap happy humor of a Momma with 4 sick kiddos who is sick herself.

But denial is where Sheila is living. I sent Solana with her visit bag and the notebook today and she wrote nothing and sent nothing back. She made a bunch of noise to the driver/supervisor about her stuffy nose and how she wonders if we have pets because Sheila herself has pet allergies.

When the daycare relayed this message I actually laughed. Um her other kids have been talking about our dog for 2 years. She bought the dog treats previously. She knows we have a dog. It's not dog allergies, it a cold. A cold that 4 other people in the house have.

I shared this with Caseworker #4 and he was like, the previous home had dogs and there is nothing in her medical records that indicates she has allergies.

I'm not surprised by Sheila's lack of response to our reaching out to communicate. But it is still disappointing. You still want the Bio parents to show up because all kids deserve that.

If I'm Being Honest

Warning: This is a really honest post.  I fully acknowledge that towards the end of cases things get way harder for everyone.  It also gets harder to keep the rational part of my brain the loudest voice in my head.  This is not a "rah rah" post for blended families.  This is not a positive post about biological mothers.  This is my honest to goodness reaction. Its a way for me to attempt to let go of the feelings.  A place to put them so others understand if they have felt the same way.  I may change my mind later about how I feel, they are my emotions and I am allowed to feel them.  I' always telling my kids to let it out, I need to follow my own advice.

I love the feedback and honest reactions from readers - that being said please no flaming.  I'm sharing honestly so others can see how this path can feel at times.
********

We received a request today to move the "last scheduled visit" to a week later.  The request came from Bio Mom for her to "heal after giving birth later this month". (This visit is 3 weeks after she is to give birth.)

Because I'm me, I of course checked to see if we had anything scheduled on the new day.  Then I got really, really mad.

Why should the kids have to delay further? I mean after 3 months , what's another week? But then its the same week as school starting and the kids already had the date on their calendar.

Hubby said "its not an unreasonable request".

I said, "I don't give a sh*t. Don't get flipping pregnant. How about that? How about the last act as their Mom, you put them ahead of yourself. Nope. She's going to be selfish right up to the very last moment."

Even if she has a C-section, what exactly does she need to heal from*, 4 weeks later, that she can't spend  2 hours with her children?  Newsflash - if the baby was going home with her she would need to take the baby to doctors appointments, the grocery store, etc. She would need to be up every few hours for feedings and changing.  But she isn't doing that. Another Mom is going to do that. But I bet money she'll find away for a visit with the baby before she has "time to heal". If she had been successful in working her plan, she'd have 5 kids to take care of. So I'm really struggling with a 2 hour visit being a big deal.

I'm especially pissy about it because of all the promises she made - I'll sign the surrender, I'll meet with the kids' therapists, I'll write a letter to help the kids move on. And if she had - this would be a non-issue. I'm not over it. I'm just not. I don't even really feel like trying to get over it. She was wrong and my kids were hurt and for some reason witnessing it and having to manage the fall out from it makes it so much worse than all other things she did to hurt them in their short lives,

I wanted to bargain with Caseworker #3, sure we can move it back provided its in the therapists' office. Otherwise, no. Then I got mad that she put us in the hot seat. Technically, DCFS can set the visit whenever they want because they have custody of the kids.  They have tried to be considerate to me because I've tried to be flexible and have sound reasoning when I push on something, which hasn't been a lot in this case. I also need to continue to work with these people because we still don't have an adoption worker and DCFS can still force sibling visits if they want.

I instead threw back questions and sent an email to the therapy team and CASA worker.

Because when the week rolls around, I'm sure there will be another excuse. I have a gut feeling she isn't going to have a goodbye visit.  It will be too hard for her and I don't think she has any intention of staying in their life and she's taken steps to ensure that she can paint us as the bad guys. Its self-sabotage.

And you know what, I have enough crappy stuff on my plate and I don't care about what she wants or what is easiest for her.  She's been reproducing children and letting everyone else worry about it and it is literally sickening me.

I had a panic attack in the car on the way home.  I've been shaking all day and I'm having anxiety pains. She can kiss my ass.  That's how I feel about pushing the date.

*I understand that being pregnant and giving birth is physically hard and takes a toll on the body.  I also get that emotionally having your infant placed in foster care will also be hard and so would losing custody of your other children. But women have been birthing and caring for children after birth, for thousands of years. Why does she get another pass?

 

Visit Anxiety

Oh boy did we have a day. I'll admit it started with me being a total crab. I found out my company is being acquired and managed to slam my finger in a door and then was up until 3 am doing homework. 

Then my kids decided to leave their brains off and made really poor choices all day. It finally dawned on my that maybe we were having some pre-visit anxiety. That coupled with Mom's crabbiness mean lots of tears. Sarah especially struggled. The feeling of loss is really big for her and I think she's worried that this month's visit will be disasterous like last month's. (For her at least. Sheila spent yet another month celebrating Sarah and Simon's birthdays. Sarah was left out and she know Smiley's birthday is next.) 

Smiley also struggled. She couldn't get it together and so bedtime came early for her. Just a few more months of this...

Keep Your Arms Inside the Ride

The stupidity and lack of sense about what is more harmful to the kids reached an all time high this week. Ok not AS stupid as wanting overnight visits to start the day before Christmas Eve but just about.

We were told we could not take the kids out of town because it would show we have more money than their Mom. Seriously. The solution? An unknown respite or reinstate overnight visits for the 2 nights we had planned to be gone.

Did I mention that the oldest had been clinging to me like a toddler at day care for the first time as of late?

Over my dead body will either of those situations happen. Oh and we are to decide Thursday afternoon at the family meeting.

I notified the GAL and State about my concerns about lack of judgement happening. They were not aware overnights had stopped.

Lord knows who I'll piss off this time but I'm done watching no one are about the safety and well being of these kids.

Overnights Officially Stopped

For the time being overnight visits are officially stopped. More discussions with the service providers need to be had but it didn't sound like they were going to reinstate them any time soon. (I hear "if at all" in the back of my mind.)

I pushed for additional information about a goal change. No such luck. There is a huge concern about the kids safety. And we know that they will not use the emergency phone. They proved that.

In addition to just plain violating the rules, bio Mom took the opportunity to share with the kids that: 1) Grandma wasn't speaking to her 2) said that she guessed the kids don't want a grandma and therefor they won't have one (clearly grandma is blaming them too) 3) grandma is allegedly in a mental health hospital because she was so distraught about not seeing them again. Not only did Mom share this, she purposefully sat them down to discuss with them.

And there is the root. You can see that the environment that Bio Mom is in is unhealthy. Look at how her mother reacted to being told she couldn't come to the visits because of a court order while her daughter is trying to get her kids back. Grandma made it all about her when it has NOTHING to do with her. In fact, if Mom hadn't let her in they would be moving home in a few weeks and she could come over whenever she wanted.

And Mom chose to keep this very unhealthy person in her life and count her as a support. She tried to gain sympathy from her children about how her mother was choosing to react. Made them feel guilty and responsible for "telling" when she shouldn't have broke the rules in the first place. And she doesn't get that you don't share adult problems with children. In reality, her emotional age is not of an adult. And how could it be? She grew up with an unsafe parent herself.

With all the services, therapy and classes she's had she is still saying to the kids, "What do I have to say to make you believe I've changed? Do I have to beg you?". Which further proves she doesn't get that actions speak louder than words and that her kids don't trust her.

What else can they do for this family? If 2 years 9 months of services isn't enough what could 6 more months possibly give them? But then do they have enough to rule no progress to move for termination? My guess is no.

Strangely, I don't feel angry. I feel peaceful. Maybe because I don't have to say goodbye. Maybe because we were right. Maybe because they are taking their safety seriously. Maybe I'm just out of negative emotions. Perhaps I'm numb. Maybe I just don't want to go up and down with it and so I'm choosing not to. It could also be that even in the few weeks that they reduce their visitation I've seen improvement in their behavior. I've seen the well behaved, regulated kids that have worked hard on healing. The hard to manage not listening kids have disappeared.

Hopefully, this is the crazy train coming to a stop.

Consequences

Finally! Finally, a consequence to thumbing her nose at the rules. Overnight visits got pulled this week an next. And the schedule didn't revert back to what it was before them - Friday night visits were cancelled altogether. And she had to tell them that she was losing time with them because she broke the rules.

This week and next just Wednesday and Saturday visits with pop-in supervision. And then I'm not sure. I was told she's out of chances. We'll see what the judge has to say. The judge was very clear- no visitors, transparency in what's happening at the visits.

Of course this meant a relieved Gabby, a sad LM and a scared JB. All of them seem scared about their visit and the dynamic between the kids has shifted again. None of them are getting along.

And gosh darn it of she didn't tell them about the April move date! So of course now we have to go back and make the kids understand the reasons why that is now out of the question.

Strangely, I'm feeling steady. I thought I would feel upset about this but I really don't feel much. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but also feel validated in my thoughts that she is way overwhelmed. I just pray that the state stops the madness here. 2 years 9 months in foster care is too long.

Spoke too Soon

Oh.my.goodness. We are back to ignoring directions. Asking the same question over and over and over and letting the siblings play Mom and overrule what THIS Mom says.

Por exemplo:

Me: Jelly Bean please get up and get dressed. You have your visit today.
25 minutes later-
Jelly Bean why are are still in your pajamas? What are you doing in the basement? The driver will be here in 5 minutes?
JB: LM told me to go get this for her.
Me: Excuse me?
JB: LM told me to go get this.
*************************************
Me: Jelly Bean, leave those boxes alone.
Jelly Bean, I said leave those alone.
JB: Mom can I open this?
Me: Not yet. You can put it to the side and when all the other presents are in the car you may play with that one.
JB: mom, I want to open this.
Me: JB I already told you my answer. Ask me again and it goes in the car too.
(A few minutes later as I'm trying to consolidate the gifts my mother loving picked out for all of us I hear a package opening)
JB What are you doing?
JB: Opening the box.
Me: The one I just told you to wait to open?
JB: I just asked you and you said yes.
Me: No I did not. You asked me twice I told you to wait. Now the box is going in the car.
**************************
When we'd both calmed down I went over that this Mom does not say things she does not mean. This Mom will follow through each and every single time. ALWAYS. That she could go ahead and test me by asking me the same question over and over but that was going to have the opposite effect of what she wants to have happen.

I'm exhausted by this testing behavior. And knowing that she's doing it because of the increase in visits with her Mom doesn't help with the frustration that I feel because we've been here before and overcome it. I know that Mom threatened to take away the cable from the bedroom JB goes into to watch TV all day while she is at the visits but Mom didn't do it and still let her continue to watch TV after she threw a fit, made a mess and called her a B*tch.

I feel bad for Mom. She's going to get eaten alive by her children. They are going to walk all over her.

And because Mom didn't follow trough, LM did. She walked into the room and turned the TV off on her sister. Which caused Gabby to call me out that night on not spending enough time with her. (Stay with me in the logic here. JB got the attention both at the visit and her behavior at home. Gabby got mad at JB for not listening to her Mom because Gabby's biggest fear is that Mom can't handle JB and that they will do all this work, get home and get taken back into the system. I'm the easy target to be mad at because I can handle her telling me she's angry. And really she knew if she confronted me I would sit and listen and talk with her. For an hour. At bedtime.)

I know I could probably call the caseworker tell her it's too much and cut back a visit this week but I'm not going to. Mom needs to understand what it feels like to have her kids every day. Today's visit is 9 hours. 9 hours is a long time to watch TV. And they were already having issues this morning. She has to see the behaviors they are capable of in order for them to be addressed. It will be very hard to shove behavior under the rug or blame it on being tired, the foster parents, the therapists, or school after 5 days of visits.

And while this is going to make home life suck, I'm hoping this at least gives us some momentum towards and end.

Verdict

So the judge in the foster care case granted overnight visits Thursday. And the states attorney defended us from the accusation that we were trying to sabotage the goal. I'm not clear on what the issue was but the idea is ridiculous. 1) I don't need to help mom screws up just fine on her own 2) it would not score me any points with the kids 3) the only issues I raise are ones that have to do with the kids. I don't know how advocating for safety for them could be viewed as sabotage but I suppose someone has to be blamed. Might as well be me. The judge and states attorney defended us and actually stated that they feel "blessed" to have such supportive, loving, dedicated foster parents.

I didn't go. Hubby went. It's probably best. I was pretty upset afterward for a number of reasons but mostly because I love them and I have no idea how to start to say goodbye. And while I can admit that she is trying very hard, I still question if she's got enough tools to meet the needs of her kids. I guess we'll see when the visits start. The new plan includes Jelly Bean's therapist meeting with the family therapist and Mom and kids so that their feelings get brought up.

The criminal trial against the former foster parent was this week. The kids did great testifying and my little Jelly Bean set a precedent in the county. Never before have they allowed a victim to testify via closed circuit camera so that the victim isn't re-traumatized. But we gathered the right documentation and the states attorney made the right argument and her therapist testified on her behalf and the judge allowed it!

The experience was empowering for her and she handled it like a champ. LM also did fantastic. I was able to be at the reading of the verdict and I am happy I say that it was GUILTY. I watched him being taken into custody in handcuffs. It felt great to tell Jelly Bean that she and other kids were safer that night. We will also have a chance to write a victim impact statement for sentencing. He is also likely to be deported as he is a permanent resident and a class X felony will cause him to lose his status.

My Little Brother

Yesterday was a no good, very bad day- that ended a no good, very bad week. It started with Jelly Bean deciding that the outfit she had on was not acceptable to wear so she changed. While everyone else was getting in the car- thus making everyone wait for her. I know it is about control but I swear that this kid is going to end up with exactly 5 shirts and 5 pairs of pants in her dresser. Hubby was not happy when he came back in the house to find her changing at the pace of a snail.

This led to a phone conversation between he and I that started to aggravate me simply because we were going over all the nonsense that happened this week. From sleepless nights to 200 ft of toilet paper pulled off the rolls at school resulting in the 3rd week in a row of Wednesday phone calls from the principal.

Then I arrived at work where upon everyone decided to blatantly ignore direction and pester me about deadlines and cause me so much stress and irritation I ended up in tears - twice.

So after leaving work at 7pm I arrived home to be told that 3/4 kids would not be getting the ice cream my brother and sister-in-law were taking us to get because 1) was hitting people in the car 2) were beating up the dog with pillows.

I decided a healthy dose of reality was in order and demanded to know what had happened at their visit. "Something happened. Everything was fine and you were comfortable then you wouldn't have come home and acted like this." (Because after 26 months in foster care and seeing your Mom 2-3 times a week we still have behavior issues nearly every single time?)

Apparently Jelly Bean though he saw her Dad in the parking lot of the restaurant. And she actually did what I told her to do when she felt scared and told an adult. She is scared because he believes that her Dad tried to kill her Mom. In fact, her Mom has taken a series of restraining orders out on this person, as recently as December of this past year. Mom's response to Jelly Bean: "Your Dad has changed. He goes to my church now." And then she proceeded to lead a discussion about fathers. Regular readers of this blog will recall that one of the fathers is in jail for criminal predatory sexual assault on one of the other siblings. And is a big issue and causes lots of tension and uncomfortable feelings. You know. typical dinner conversation.....

So that led to interrupting. Which was allowed. Which led to misbehavior. Which led to no ice cream by the time they arrive home. Additionally, the kids believe the driver was "yelling" at their Mom because at the end of the visit when Mom was talking to the driver she was crying. So Hubby pointed out that maybe she was sad that they were leaving. I pointed out that Gabby complains that anytime she tries to tell her Mom something's he doesn't want to hear she tears up. That perhaps she wasn't in trouble, she just didn't want to hear what the driver said.

So then my brother rang the doorbell and I just hugged him for a good 2 minutes. My little brother is a 6'2" Army veteran. He's like a giant teddy bear. And while he is witty and sarcastic most of the time - he's one of the bet listeners I know. He can also be very concerned at times. I started to cry and he was like what's wrong and I'm like - I don't know if I can do this and he was all of anyone can it's you.. And he said it in such a matter of fact way that I knew he had total confidence in me. Because my brother would be the first to tell me if he thought I couldn't - I gained the strength I needed to keep going for another few days.

So we drove an hour to get ice cream in 46 degree weather and 8:30 at night where a bunch of hilarity ensued. It included not 1 but 2 calls from our parents. The first a major worry that their email had been "compromised" and my brother trying to explain that it was probably just a spoof email. But his explanation was just so funny that it had me rolling. Then a second call about some family gossip that "should not be put on Facebook" because ya know my first thought when bad things happen to people in my family is to embarrass them on Facebook....

Parenting Tips From Foster Mom R

1) CSI is not appropriate tv for the under 12 set. Even less appropriate is watching it with your child. Most inappropriate is leaving it on and walking out of the room while a victim's rape and dismemberment are discussed while your sexually abused child is still sitting there watching.
2) Real glassware should be put out of reach of the child throwing said glasses after the 1st and 2nd glasses are smashed on the ground. This will prevent the 3rd glass from being broken.
3) it is wise to take the advice of the professionals and keep your mouth shut about impending change. This will allow your children to sleep better and perhaps cause less drama at your visits.
4) Donuts for breakfast when you plan to let 6 children stay inside and watch TV all day is perhaps a poor choice.

Please start sending me the cases of Diet Coke now. I have a lot of nights of interrupted sleep coming at me.

Visits

We have some family functions coming up in the next month or two that require the kids to miss their regularly scheduled visits. So we have 2 make-up visits this weekend in addition to their regular Saturday visit.

And in a change of events- I actually PUSHED for these to occur the same weekend. Close together. They will have 5 hours today, 5 hours Saturday, and something like 8/9 hours Monday.

And I just got a message that the case worker is off until Wednesday. Ha!

I'm prepared for some crazy behavior over the next week. This will be the most visitation she's ever had. The kids will be totally off their normal routine. And there will be no therapists to help process.

***********

I wrote the above Friday but it didn't publish. I'm waiting for the kids to leave. They are going to plant trees today. No doubt part of Moms community service requirement for her probation. Not sure how I feel about bringing the kids you beat to working off your debt to society. Oh who am I kidding. I think it's ridiculous. But I also know that trying to get the 4 of them to engage in planting trees is going to be near impossible. Especially since as I'm listening to them wait to go and they are totally amped up and bickering.

The nightmares and tears have been sad to handle. But I also have to recognize how far the kids have come. We've gotten lots of journaling and notes articulating feelings. Fear chief among them.

I'm not sure how to navigate the next few months. They keep telling us this is a crucial time in the case and it should tell us where the end point will be. I'm not sure I believe that. I just pray we survive it.

Saturday Morning

So Gabby did go to the visit this morning. I could tell she was nervous but she said her stomach was fine.

Jelly Bean woke up in a foul mood and then dragged, and I mean dragged, in getting ready. I have never seen someone take so long to tie their shoes.

Mr. Mohawk seemed happy. He was the first one ready. I hope he doesn't kick her today like he did Wednesday.

Little Mama was finding reasons to be angry at me. She asked to take a board game knowing full well I would say no. My standard: "Your Mom is working on being prepared. That's a great suggestion. You should tell her that's a game you'd like." only served to provoke the silent treatment.

I'm not responsible for providing entertainment for 4 children at an in home visit. In the past, I might have considered it but the training wheels have to come off. The kids have to adjust to what life without me is going to be like. What life with her will be like. She doesn't have the capacity to plan ahead or draft a schedule. Despite the request to do so. Despite the kids need for rigid structure. This will likely be to their detriment in the end but I can't stop it. She has to learn what works for her. And she can't do it with me interfering.

She has no desire to enter into a co-parenting or mentoring relationship with me. We are the same age. She has been a Mom for 12 years. I've been a Mom for 18 months. She doesn't believe that the kids I describe or talk about are the same that she sees. She still views the incident that brought them into care as isolated. This is a belief system that she's created in order to protect herself. I understand it. It sucks. We had hoped to build a relationship. And perhaps down the road we can but right now stepping back feels right.

Apparently Yelling Worked

As did my no nonsense email about MY expectation regarding homework- it will be done on Wednesdays if it is not I will direct the teacher to the caseworker who can work with Mom.

I remember reading advice from somewhere (I can't remember or I would credit the source.) that case workers don't change until they feel your pain. Seemed like having the caseworker potentially contacted by 3 teachers would be a great way to spread my pain.

Because it prompted a call from the case worker's supervisor to "do damage control".

Yep.

And I vented. Expressed that we are tired of being the doormat. Not sure how long we can continue like this.

She stroked my ego. You are doing a great job. Don't know how you do it. Yada yada. But we need to push them if we are going to get them home by Christmas break.

As in three months from now.

So I've gone back and forth between being grateful for finally having a date to work with and understanding what the Department has been thinking and being scared and angry.

I've landed at resolved. Resolved to help them push us to an end point. If she can do this she should be able to do it by now. If she can't we need the proof so we can move on.

What is meant to be will be. If I'm meant to be their Mom- that will happen. If they are suppose to move on and go back to their family then we've accomplished what we set out to do. Perhaps God ha to move them for other children we are meant to help.

So today I sent an email requesting that the group take advantage of some upcoming days off school to add time with Mom. Solid blocks of time. The email came back- a large chunk would have to be unsupervised. How do you feel about that?

Umm. Well the kid who was the most anxious is now feeling more comfortable. If she feels ok with it and Mom feels ok with it, it doesn't really matter how I feel about it. I won't be there. It's not my goal. It's theirs.

She has every piece of paper and approval stating she's ready to parent unsupervised. I can't stand in the way of a moving train. I've done all I can to help heal and take care of these kids and their family. It's time to let them go for it.

Do I think she can do this long term? No. Does that matter to anyone? No. Will it help me to keep saying it? No. You can't keep doing the same thing and expect to get a different result.

Am I scared? Yes. Terrified, in fact. Terrified that they will go home and I will never see them again. Terrified they will get hurt in the process. Saddened by the fact that it's now best for me to step back and let them feel what living with their Mom will be like. (For instance, the conversation about Halloween tonight and if their Mom will take them or not.) But they have to get comfortable with the differences in order to not implode when they do go home.

And if all Hell breaks loose, like I suspect it will, then at least we all gave it our best shot and hopefully the state will have the proof they need to give the kids permanency. I always said if they stayed I always wanted to be able to tell them I did EVERYTHING to help them keep their family in tact. And we are confident we are doing just that.

It's time. It's past time, actually. And at least this way we will be out of limbo. It will hurt no matter what happens but we have to work through that too.

Oh my magic pills

It's been a tough week. So tough that I've actually taken my anti-anxiety medication 3 days in a row.

Tuesday brought news that the foster parent's legal team (who abused Jelly Bean) sent an investigator to talk to Bio Mom. How he tracked her down I'm not sure but since he presented himself as someone from DCFS she spoke to him. At some point she felt uncomfortable and then stopped cooperating.

In the same call caseworker let me know that JB had made statements of "I want to kill myself" to her Mom at the visit Saturday. And of course no word from Bio Mom when it happened to us.

Ummm, may have been something to mention to us....

Then Wednesday I got a call from caseworker that Bio Mom was in the hospital and what were my thoughts about the kids going to see her in the hospital.

I managed to slightly censor my thoughts which were um hell no!

I could write an entire post about why I think hospitals are not a place for children and especially not a place for visitation.

In the end, we told her that she needed to take them or we would take them Friday because middle of the week wasn't best for the kids. She decided to take them and the kids handled being there fairly well.

It was the fall out at home that I was worried most about and that's exactly what I got. Math homework brought on tears about dying Mother's and nightmares about adoption.

Then I got the call that both JB and LM will need to testify in open court against the monster foster parent. Because jack ass that he is is taking it to jury trial.

Did I mention that this was also the trauma anniversary of JB being moved into that home? Let's just say the sheets were washed daily this week.

Normally work is my escape but this week has been awful and I'm having team issues with a girl I work with.

The great debate tonight will be do we take the kids to see their Mom since visits were cancelled and she's still in the hospital.

It's not a life threatening illness. The thought crept into my head though that I could only be so lucky and then I appropriately reprimanded and shamed myself for having the thought. I'm not as good a person as I think I am. (Maybe I should share that with the next person who accuses me of being a saint!)

Visit with the Judge

So the kids met with the judge this week. She spent at least 30 minutes with each of the girls and 10 minutes with Mr. Mohawk and the rest of us. She saw the attention seeking and chaos on full display.

I didn't pry to find out what the kids told her but their GAL told me Gabby told the judge that when she told her Mom about the missed visit due to the birthday party Mom didn't talk to her the rest of the visit.... The kids also told her they are tired of having Saturday visits. They want to enjoy their weekend. We had already tried to advocate on their behalf for this and we're turned down. Maybe if it comes from them it will sound more authentic instead of the foster parents complaining. The sad part is the kids are right. Thy don't have time to relax and be kids and hang out with friends.

Up until last week we had therapy Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. With a visit Monday and Saturday.

This school year it will be therapy Tuesday, Family Wednesday, Visit Wednesday, individual visit Friday. 5 hour visit Saturday. With no return home in sight it's just a very hectic schedule for 4 kids plus homework.

They judge suggested alternating visits on Saturdays an another day. We'll have to see if anything gets changed.

So if Mom can't be on time the best solution is to cave to her demand for a later time and move the visits to her home so that there is no travel time, right?

Back to visits that consist of eating, watching a movie, and finger nail painting. With an 1 1/2 hours of travel for the kids.

Stolen Chips, A Visit and a Thunderstorm

As predicted the visits are going to be moved back to accommodate Mom's schedule. I had to laugh though because the same day I got this news Gabby came home with a birthday party invitation for a Saturday afternoon. When asked what she wanted to do she told me it was a really hard decision. Apparently visits the park don't have as much appeal as a gymnastics party.

Jelly Bean presented me with a co-parenting opportunity by stealing chips, bringing them to day care, getting caught, and calling the teacher an idiot and running her mouth. Of course the chips that she took were the kind her Mom sends home weekly so I sent her a text told her what happened and asked her to not send chips with her this week. Of course she sent a text back about a different kid.... Did I mention these texts are in Spanish? And her grammar and spelling are so bad Google Translate doesn't work?

The visit they had today was later afternoon and unfortunately Mom was late by 5 minutes. Just long enough to freak the kids out. Their uncle, his girlfriend (Mom's roommate) an the girlfriends kids were all at the visit. I'm glad the kids are seeing additional family but again she's supposed to be learning to parent. She can't do that if there are other children and other adults there to distract them. But again that's probably a part of the reason they are there.

Little Mama and Jelly Bean came home pretty sad. Little Mama because the visit didn't start well and Jelly Bean had a very strong reaction and cried real tears for the first time in months. The pressure of trying to be perfectly behaved, the fear of getting hurt, of being forgotten, and the fear of not returning home.

I rocked her. I acknowledged her fears. I listened. She processed and then was able to take a shower and get into bed with no issues. Then the thunderstorm hit and it was Little Mama's turn to meltdown.

Thunder and lighting upset most kids. But I have children that actually dissociate when they happen. A few weeks ago we were in the car when a really bad storm hit- think uprooted trees in the middle of the road. That storm actually scared me too but when I looked over at LM she was literally white knuckled.

Tonight I heard the clap of thunder and then crying. I initially thought it was Mr. Mohawk but found out it was Little Mama. The sound triggered her to her "scary place" or dissociative state.

As a parent this is very alarming. You walk into a room and see your kid literally shaking, crying and when you come near she recoils. I have learned to walk softly and slowly and not move towards her. Her therapists have taught her a tapping technique but we took that one step further and have started EFT Tapping. (I'll link to some great sites - thanks Lisa when I have time.) So I walked her through the tapping and got her back in less than three minutes. Even the dog seemed calmer.

About 15 minutes later the storm had started to move on and LM started to look like she could try to fall asleep. Such a brave girl.