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Showing posts from November, 2012

For Good

This evening took place a few weeks ago. I delayed posting so that I could link some things but also because I felt it was too sad for the week leading up to Thanksgiving.

So clearly, I'm in a sad place. I was also PMSing in the last week so I was probably more weepy than I am the rest of the month... Maybe.... I cried at Gabby's musical this week so that probably counts as weepy. Both my Mom and Dad teared up too, so I blame my genetics.

The kids performed several Broadway songs. Singing in the Rain, You Can't Stop the Beat,76 Trombones. Then they got to a song from Wicked. The intro to the song talked about performing in a Broadway show and it being life changing. I performed in show on Chicago's Broadway when I was a freshman in high school and it did, indeed, change my life.  I had no idea how much the song coming at me was going to hit my heart, or I may have tuned out some of the lyrics.

They performed For Good.

I've heard it said
That people come into our live…

My Own Trigger

I have a few posts on pause because I deemed them simply too sad for the week of Thanksgiving. Wednesday morning as I dropped the kids off and still couldn't shake the urge to cry I realized that perhaps, I was experiencing my own trauma anniversary. Which makes sense. My Grandma passed the day before Thanksgiving two years ago and I miss her terribly.

Today is the actual anniversary date and I'm handling it fairly well. I think for me the day before Thanksgiving is my trigger. I was a mess. I volunteered to make the turkey at her house and spend the night to keep my grandfather company. And as I was opening every drawer in her kitchen, trying to familiarize myself with the location of everything, I prayed that I could recall the lessons she taught me about her secret to amazing stuffing. Then I had to laugh because at 31 it was really the first time I was allowed in the kitchen while cooking was going on and no one was telling me to move.

It did a little introspection. I c…


I just wanted to take a moment and thank you guys, my readers. Seeing the page views and the comments has helped me get through the last few months.

I realize that my posts seem sad and frustrated and I thank you for putting up with my pain. Like many of you, we don't have a real support system that gets what it's like to live month to month. To live and have your future be hinged on someone else's choices. I'm so thankful there are so many of you who get it. You give me hope.

And let's face it, you allow me to get a grip! So in this month of thanksgiving I am thankful for all of you.

November is Adoption Awareness Month

I knew it before today but the 3 emails I got today told me so. It also said 1700 kids were adopted through foster care in our state last year.

I had a rough day with foster care today. Long story short the caseworker still can't seem to remember to inform us ahead of or nearly after major changes and doesn't seem to think its a big deal because "I observed the were happy. I was pleased with their reaction."

Fan flipping tastic for you. Unfortunately, trauma behaviors came at me and I had no idea why. But as long as you think it went well then I guess no need to let the foster parents know until 5 days later. But a kid fell at family therapy and bruised her knee and that warrants an urgent text message? Seriously? We are so far off the mark in what constitutes important I can't even discuss it anymore.

So Hubby fired off a response basically stating that if the common courtesy of a heads up letting us know something changed cant be extended, neither can we. So …

It's Like Giving Up On a Dream

That's what it feels like to start to let go. To realize, that perhaps, you were wrong. That this isn't really the life you are meant to have. That despite how right it feels, it isn't really yours and because you love it so much you have to let it go.

And man it is hard. So very hard, to put on the brave face and cheer on the things that should have been happening all along. That should have been completed before you ever became a part of it. For the sake of those that you cherish, you must be the better person. And twice in the last week I've not been able to do that.

I know that it means I'm human. It means that I'm sad. It means that I felt love in a way I never thought I would- as a Mom. And I know deep down I will get through this because I have to. Because life is not going to stop for me to grieve. I know that because it never did in the past.

I have given up on dreams. A few of them in fact. Because I couldn't hack the schooling to become a doctor.…

Election Day Soap Box

I'm standing in a line of more than 100 people. I have been in line 20 minutes. I have another 45 minutes to go and only 29% battery left on my phone.

I have opinions. But I don't feel well versed enough about any of the hot bottom political issues for any candidate to spout off about them their campaigns, or the consequences of them being elected.

The issues I do care about though don't make the news. I didn't hear any of the candidates, national or local, make a plea to the overworked foster Mom. I didn't hear anyone talk about the issues my kids and my family face. I'm in a state full of budget cuts. Heard nothing about how DCFS is supposed to do more with less. Heard nothing about how congress and county representatives are going to work for the children in their districts. And I'm not in the same county as my kids case so I can't vote out those who didn't prosecute their Mom.

There is lots I'm sure I should care about. I work in the medic…

6 Years

6 years ago today I married Hubby. We were 25 and 26 and had already spent 5 years of our lives together. The weather was very much like it was today. We spent the day surrounded by friends and family soaking in the support and love.

It was one of the best weddings we'd ever been to. The dance floor was packed. The food was delicious and our guests had a blast.

We stood in my childhood church and promised God and our family that we would be true to each other in sickness and health, in good times and bad. I had no idea that day how soon we would test our vows. Less than 6 months later I lost my job.

We also promised to accept children lovingly from God. I had no idea that those children would not come from my womb. Or that there would be 4. Or that they wouldn't necessarily be permanent. But we accepted them lovingly. They have brought us much closer. We have solidified ourselves as a team. A family.

Which is why today we spent the day together. We went to a family birthday…

I Wish You Could See

How calm and content my family is at this very moment. We settled in for our family night of pizza and a movie.

When the kids first came an that first day they weren't enrolled in school yet Hubby ran a Disney movie marathon. This is something we have continued. We hang out together while laughing and cuddling.

When they first moved in we could never had done this. We were too busy handling the fall out from visits and the behavior that went with it. Tantrums would last hours. Kids couldn't sit still. Kids couldn't be in the same room. Tears would be falling and everyone would be too wiped out. But over time we've settled.

And tonight I'm listening to kids giggle and talk. And discuss our family trips. Which is beautiful and hard all at the same time. But I'll take it. For however long we have it...I'll take it.

Why do they always pick THE worst day?

So after running around for 10 days straight I of course got sick. Like really sick. Like I had to actually go to the doctor today. I avoid the doctor. I spent so much time in their offices when I was first diagnosed with sarcoid and neurosarcoid that unless I'm sure there is something wrong I don't go. (I am the woman who dealt with nerve pain in my head for a year before mentioning it.)

I called in sick to work. And then everyone needed me. Umm hello people! Mom is sick. Didn't matter. Gabby left her flute. So I run to the school and drop it off but not before she called a second time to make sure I was coming. No sooner do I get home but the phone rings from the school for a third time.

Hi Mrs. R. It's the principal Mr. L. My automatic response? What did he do today?

Because my Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday phone calls weren't enough.

"He bit another student during gym class...on the butt. I know you work but I need to send him home for the day. I have t…

Gems from the "Team Meeting"

- Mom needed to be told that she needs to monitor TV watching. Apparently letting her child with sexual abuse history watch a show that depicted rape and dismemberment of a young girl didn't register that it might not be ok because after all "Well she turned on the tv and chose the program." We'll just overlook the fact that the kid had nightmares and wouldn't pee at school. Mom's been told now she needs to monitor television.

- The bio dad with no legal standing and a history of violence against Mom popping up at visits is "a situation being monitored". Yes let's monitor that.

- Selling food out of your home and customers showing up during visits and inviting them in is totally ok. We'll just ignore the fear the kids have and pretend to be shocked when something goes wrong.

- Unsupervised Wednesdays can't begin because the visit supervisor helps LM with her homework while Mom takes the other 3 elsewhere in the library. Wednesdays are g…