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Thursday, September 23, 2010

My Blog My Soap Box

I rejoiced as I read this story at 1:30AM because I could not sleep. Especially since the Republican Party just voted agianst the repeal of "Don't Ask Don't Tell". Now I am not what I would consider a political person. Legal stories intrest me becaue I have a paralegal degree. At one point or another I've wanted to go to law school and while I classify myself as a Democrat with fairly Liberal Views I'm not one to discuss/debate political topics as I don't feel well versed enough in all sides of arguments. And also because I feel like if you can't win the debate why have it? My belief system and morals are pretty set and it would take a whole lot of debate for someone to change where my moral compass points. Several comments about this ruling popped up on a forum I follow about homosexuality being wrong, not Christian, a choice, and a lifestyle.

First of all as foster/adoptive parents we should understand the goal for all kids is a permenant, safe and loving home. So I have to wonder how a foster/adoptive parent could be upset that a family that has been in a state of flux by an antiquated law could be unsupportive of the fact that the law is UNCONSTITUTIONAL and goes AGAINST the goal of permanency. How can you give permancy to foster children who become available for adoption if their foster parents CANNOT adopt them legally. It would be better to let the children stay in the system? It would be better to disrupt the placement and add to whatever emotional, developmental, and behaviors they already have? Should ready, willing and able to parent people be barred from foster parenting because of who they sleep with? Should DCFS be able to get in our business and ask about our sex lives? Should they be able to comment that you are sleeping with the right person? Or having too much or too little sex?

I know for many homosexuality is a hot botton topic due to personal or religious beliefs. And while it makes me mad that people can spew hatred and discrimination while hiding behind their "God" I have to accept that as their right as Americans. But this is my Blog and I can also say that I think its crap! Anyone who has been in love or lust can tell you its not a choice. And while you might choose to walk away from that love or lust it doesn't mean it wasn't there. I have a long held belief that God promotes love and friendship And I can't get behind organized religion that tells people that even if they are good people they won't get into heaven if they are Gay. I also have trouble with this concept as those same people seem to say MY way is the only way and if your Religion calls God a different name or doesn't think Christ was His Son then they won't get into Heaven either.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Why I Haven't Told My Grandmothers

The term family has been on my mind a lot this week. My Aunt came in from Hawaii and my Uncle and his partner came in from Florida. they are on separate sides of the family and came in for very different reasons. My Aunt came in for a class reunion and my Uncles came in because my Grandma is very sick. My other Grandma is actually very injured and neither of them know about our plans to become foster/adopt parents.

I have lots of reasons why I've not told either of them. Since their last names start with the same letter I'll refer to them as Grandma and Gram. Perhaps the most complicated reason is my relationship with Gram. We don't really have a relationship. I've felt she favored my other cousins over my Brother and I and she wasn't a super huge part of my childhood. She also made choices on important days that I really felt were hurtful. For a while I tried very hard to form some sort of relationship with her but it was not reciprocated in the way that I needed it to be. I explored some of this with my Aunt during her visit. She's probably the one person in my family that can listen and not take offense to how others feel. She's also incredibly honest with me and I appreciate that. We have worked to form our relationship even though she lives so far away and while we might not have too much in common we both desperately want to understand our family and get to a place without tension and hurt.

A big part of Gram's personality is her tendency to brag. And generally you don't brag to the people you are bragging about so I never hear her say anything about me and ALWAYS about others. This makes me feel pretty crappy. I have a second cousin who lives near Gram who adopted a child internationally and got involved in charity work surrounding orphanages and such in the country her child is from. Through the grapevine I have heard that she is planning on adopting another child from the same country in the next few months. Now I need to state that I think what my cousin is doing is wonderful and probably sparked further interest for my husband and I to consider adoption as a way to form our family. However, I just don't feel for my family that international adoption is the way for us. Kids all over the world deserve to be taken care of and belong to loving families and I'm thankful people like my cousin can help in this effort.

To be frank - I really don't want to hear it from Gram. And that's why I don't want to tell her that we are planning on fostering to adopt. I don't want to hear how my cousin has to go back to a war torn country and live at the orphanage and how she got all the kids shoes and how what she's doing is so selfless and courageous and amazing. And that she's the perfect mother and you should call her to get advice. Now that might sound a tad bit jealous and if I'm being honest it might be a little bit as she has such a great relationship with Gram and I feel pretty rejected. Do you think my Gram knows I've helped to raise $57K for the World Vision foundation that feeds children who need it? That I've mentored teens in their faith. That I help people with cancer cope on a daily basis? No because I'm not outward with it but that doesn't mean that sometimes I don't need recognition just like everyone else especially from my family.

Now I haven't told my Grandma because she was just diagnosed with Stage IV Ovarian Cancer. And she's not dealing well and she's very sick. She's pretty much not eating and is disappearing in front of our eyes. I told my Grandpa and there was too much on his mind to process. So I'm not sure if this news would be something for Grandma to hold onto to work towards or if she would start to worry. This happened right around the time we started our PRIDE classes and I think this is also part of the reason my parents haven't said much. They are simply overwhelmed and hypothetical grandchildren are just not in their grasp at the moment. But that's life isn't it? The moment you think everything is starting to come together other things begin to fall apart. And it drives me nuts Grandma not knowing because I have all kinds of questions and conversations for her. In my heart I so very badly want all of my future children to meet her and know her like I do because she is someone very special. And she might not make it. She might not make it to Christmas. And she might and this whole living in the unknown part is really starting to aggravate me.

Monday, September 20, 2010


After our Session 5 PRIDE class on Saturday we decided to take a ride to Bed Bath and Beyond to cash in some gift certificates and get the bedding for the bunk beds. I think this was worse than trying to register for our wedding!

I loved Bed Bath and Beyond for our wedding. They had pretty much everything we needed and they were great with returns and shipping and even price matching (savy consumer here got all 12 Lenox Soup Bowls free by threatening to return all 12 place settings of our china if they did not price match - and they were shipped free THANK YOU VERY MUCH.) But something happens to my Honey when he gets in that store. My Dad calls it Mall-itus. You start to get tired. You get a headache and after a little while you just can't take it anymore and the only cure is to leave the store and get fresh air. So to prevent this I suggested we go to lunch before going - and we ended up at Hooters. (Yes I will go into Hooters. In fact I like their food better than other wing places by us. Which interestingly enough my Brother thinks I'm crazy for this preference.)

I had done some research prior to going into the store. Looking on-line for some decor ideas and what the store might have and I fell in love with this monkey sheet set with bright lime and turqoise on it. So of course we go in the store and we went up the wrong side and my Honey was distracted by the coffee pod selection and the clearance fixtures. So by the time we got to the bedding I already knew we were going to be in trouble.

Our first mistake was going to the smaller BB&B in our area as the selection was BEYOND limited. No monkey design. In fact pretty much no design for little boys at all. They had 2 sets of sports themed converters. Thats it. Everything else was very girlie or for college kids. Do little boys not have rooms? Can they not have cool bedding? To say that I was frustrated was an understatement.

But then the struggle for my Honey to understand the decorating vision that was in my head began and when he finally got it he said my color scheme was too girlie. Apparently lime green is not a color for boys. He became fixated on the costs of course and wanted this reversible comforter that had 2 different plaids. So after about an hour in the bedding section debating the colors I ended up caving on the comforter with a promise that once we adopt the kids could get what they wanted even if it is lime green.

PS - has anyone tried to make a bunk bed up before? I was sweating when I was finally done!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The Boys are gone

As I mentioned before we had our "eye" on a few kids on the Waiting Children websites. Last week both sibling sets disappeared from the search engines. And surprisingly this was ok in my heart. They found forever families and that felt right to me.

I was worried. Sometimes our intentions don't match up with our feelings. And this particular situation was one where I thought maybe my heart had become more involved than I had intended. Their little faces and descriptions of good deeds and likes and dislikes had become familiar to me. And the potential to become their Mom was in my heart too. My Honey cautioned me at the begining - don't get too attached because you don't want to be crushed if they can't become ours. Well they didn't and I'm fine. They found the people who were really supposed to be their parents. I'm happy for those families as I'm sure that there is a woman or a man who is extactic that they became parents. And that feel right to.

And a new feeling came. Perhaps my unanswered prayer was given to someone else. And that made me confident that when the time is right my future children will find me too.