Stunned

I've been at this for four years now.  Not much phases me at this point.  Tonight I was making airline reservations while catching blood from someone's nose.  Just another Tuesday.  But I was stunned when I learned today that Bio Dad is not willing to sign the identified surrender paperwork.

What?

He missed over 50% of his visits.  He didn't even have his house approved for visits much less overnights.  He hasn't shown up to court but once in the last 2 years (and he was summoned).  He didn't take a single parenting class. He didn't participate in therapy or family meetings. 

But he wants to go to trial to terminate his rights.

I just don't get it. You were so disinterested before. Your kids were left to worry and wonder if you were going to show up for them.  And now you want to take it seriously?

I felt like someone punched me in the gut when Caseworker #3 told me that. 

And where are their attorneys?  Why are they not telling these parents that having your parental rights terminated can have a lasting legal effect as it may be grounds to terminate your rights on other children.  Both of the Bios have other children.

And for some reason Caseworker #3 thinks they will try to wrap up the TPR by end of the year as one of the attorneys is going on maternity leave.

Yeah right.

Lovely, right?

This is where I struggle as a person who understands the law and a Foster Mom. 

As a Foster/Adoptive Mom, it seems so incredibly unfair to make our family hang in limbo because NOW you decide to take this seriously.  Umm little too late buddy.  But thanks for making this process that much more complicated.

As a paralegal I understand that your rights to your children should be the hardest of rights to take away.

I was told its possible we will have a goal change to adoption before year end.  (I think that's far fetched.) Think of what a lovely trauma anniversary that could be.....

 And as the foster family we are just left to our own devices.  We just have to sit back and wait for everyone to tell us what is happening to our family next. 
 

Case Worker Visit

We have a monthly visit with the case worker. Somehow this monthly commitment escaped our attention in Foster parent training. Luckily she is able to come in the early evening. She picks the kids up and then they let themselves in the house. I genuinely like our case worker. She's sweet. But she has no kids. And she is not married. And while I don't think these should be requirements for case workers I think it helps your understanding. As I quickly found out last year, having kids in your life changes everything. And MAYBE just MAYBE she would understand WHY her lack of communication is an issue. Perhaps she would understand WHY I point out Bio Mom's biggest parenting issues. If she is to be successful and therefore the kids are to be safe and continue healing she can't keep making the same mistakes.

Case in point: family therapy this week. Bio Mom's answer to Gabby's demand of how she can know Mom won't hit her ever again.

"Because I don't want to lose you. If I lose the four of you I will have no real family."

Which on the surface might seem like a good answer. That's how Gabby took it. My Mom wants me. My Mom wants our family.

What Mom failed to do with her answer was provide actual reasons Gabby should believe her. She failed to take responsibility. She only recognized that she will have the consequence of being alone. She made it all about her.

And apparently no one shared this response with the case worker as she looked shocked when I relayed the information.

I keep being told Mom will have to take responsibility for her actions before the kids can go home. Don't statements like the above continue to prove that she is unable to do just that? Grrrr

Then we had a conversation about visits. They were up to 5 hours on Saturday mornings. Now the kids have to be split in two. The suggestion was made tonight to have visits for 2 on Friday afternoon and Saturday mornings. Mom works third shift. The case worker actually pointed out that she's going to be tired on Saturday mornings as she will just be getting home from work and that it might be better to have the older two on Saturday because they would be easier to handle.

I'm sorry did I just hear that? We are concerned at 20 months because Mom might be too tired to see 2 of her children? After work? What the huh? What about 4 on a school night with homework? And Jelly Bean decides she didn't get enough attention and Little Mama decided to provoke her and Gabby decides to interrupt and Mr. Mohawk decides to wipe his chocolate cake hands all I've the wall. Because that's a typical Tuesday in this house. Actually, Tuesday we also have 2 therapists who come. If we are worried that at 2 years she can't handle Saturday mornings with 1/2 her children what are we doing here?

Banging.my.head.on.the.wall...

I guess it's unreasonable to expect that this should already have been a parenting skill that was learned. Of course she's going to be tired. She has four kids!

We didn't discuss my emails to her supervisor and I didn't get a copy of the case plan I've asked repeatedly for and mentioned in said emails. Nor did she ask us how we were doing or acknowledge her failure to notify us.

We did elude to the fact that since Mom lives 6 miles from us if we saw her or the Bio Dad that is not on the birth certificate in our neighborhood we would be calling the police.

Oh and Gabby's Bio Dad sent letters from jail. When it rains it pours!

Unfair

Wednesday I recieved what I would consider two major blows. The first was a phone call from the District Attorney's office. The Victim Advocate called to set up a meeting with Little Mama to prep her for a pretrial hearing in the case agianst the Monster that hurt JB in foster care. I'm sorry did I hear you right - LM has to testify? When is the hearing? 2 weeks? And I'm just finding this out now? Do you know she was abused also? And that guy is sitting in jail? And its a major issue with my kids as he was the father of another one of the kids? Luckily this was in time for her trauma therapist to prep her before the DA. To say I was caught off guard was an understatement. And man am I worried about the trigger this might be. After a year in therapy she still hasn't disclosed ANY of the details of her abuse to her therapist. This may just be the log that breaks the dam.

Then Case Worker came over for our monthly visit. We had emailed with some major concerns about visits. We were right they aren't going well. Why aren't they going well? According to their Mom its because the kids are in a non-Spanish speaking home. There is a law in Illinois that states that Spanish speaking parents are entitled to have the right to say whether or not their children can be in English speaking homes. They must sign a waiver if it is ok for this to happen. Our foster kid's mother did not sign it. And after all of the Spanish speaking placements for her 4 children disrupted they were placed in our home together after 9 months of being seperated.

According to everyone in the case they are doing wonderfully here. They are excelling at school, begining to heal in therapy, finally stabalized after 9 months of moves (5 other houses between them). And because of this their service providers and case worker are finding out more and more of the poor choices and abuse that these kids have suffered through. And as their visit time has increased so has their Mom's inability to handle the 4 kids that she has. 1) because there are 4 of them 2) because they don't trust her 3)they are acting out big time because they know she can't hit them 4) one of them is 4 and a boy 5) one of them has ADHD 6) she doesn't have a support system 7) she hasn't taken responsibility for her actions 8) she has had a therapist for a year that was a total idiot. (He's the reason family therapy stopped.)

And because she can't take responsibility and blames everyone else it is now OUR fault that her children are refusing to speak Spanish around her. And she wants them moved to a Spanish speaking home. And she has the power to do so even though it was her actions that caused them to be removed in the first place. Not caring that this will absoluetly traumatize them further. Not caring that finally her 7 year old is able to hug a father figure without fear. Not caring that her children can now read and are doing well in school. Not realizing that maybe if she stopped shoving Mexico down their throat they might stop rebelling. Or if she stopped telling them they will be moving to Mexico or that she will be moving to Mexico with or without them they might be willing to embrace their heritage. Not realizing that instead of ignoring her children at visits because their Spanish isn't where she wants it she could use the time to interact with them and teach them or speak to them in the English she does know so they weren't so darn frustrated and acting out. And perhaps learning English would help her land a better paying job so she wasn't so stressed about finances or dependent on boyfriends to take care of her AND her four children.

Now before I get flamed on my blog about my insensitivity to their Mom or what sounds like non-support of the reunification goal let me give you some background on our family. My husband is hispanic. 100%. My Mother-in-Law speaks fluent Spanish as does my husband's Step Father, and best friend. We support and encourage the kids to use their Spanish. They flat out refuse. And while I understand listening to music or forcing them to watch tv and movies in Spanish or conversing with our friends and family who do speak Spanish is a lousy 2nd to living with people who speak fluent Spanish it isn't like we are trying to take it away from them. Additionally, our support of their eduction, mental health, and other needs has been above and beyond as all of their service providers have told us. I'm not one to toot my own horn but when their bilingual trauma therapist looks be dead in the eye and tells me she rarely gives compliments but believes we are one of the best foster parents she's ever worked with and in her professional opinion thinks we are the best possible home for them I have to believe her. She also believes this problem with Spanish started way before they got put in DCFS care and this is evidenced by the fact that the youngest was given an evaluation in Spanish but answered everything in English. Why? because his older sister who was learning English in school was taking care of him.

But none of that matters. Because as hard as I try to help these kids heal their Mother is making more work for them.And the law gives her that power. And I understand there is a serious and real concern that the youngest won't be able to understand her when he returns home. And I take that seriously, I really do. So in order to prevent ANOTHER move we have to enroll them in Spanish classes. So between school, and three therapists, weekly visits, and perhaps family therapy starting they will have Spanish class. And to top all that off we may be required to speak to their Mom, in Spanish. This part is still fuzzy.

But as their therapist relayed this requirement to me it just seemed incredibly unfair. Because on top of caring for 4 children, working full time, and trying to keep my sanity I will now have to jump through several hoops when their Mother has not had to jump through a single one. And I cried in her office. With my foster children on the other side of the wall. Angry that their Mother doesn't understand that their well being and her issues go well beyond them speaking Spanish. Or how incredibly fragile her children are. And that to me there was no other option than trying to comply with these requests to protect HER kids. And knowing that at the end of this she is supposed to get them back and has the right to take them out of our lives forever. And because my husband did not not grow up speaking Spanish and actually didn't do very well taking it in High School I will now have to brush up on mine. So it rides on my shoulders. Luckily I took Spanish from 7th grade up through college. But its rusty. And I never thought I was very good. But I will do it because thats whats best for these kids. And when they complain and ask me why they have to go to ANOTHER appointment none of their friends have to go to I will lie and say because the judge made it a rule because that is also for their best interest.

What kind of adult beverage goes with MacNCheese and Hot Dogs?

I posted this on my facebook this week and got all kinds of fun answers. Ultimately, this tired, edgy Momma decided on a glass of Reisling to wine down.

Work has been really hectic lately and I was just drained on the way to get the kids. Because its spring break they were especially whiney/out of control/in trouble. Jelly Bean got a written report that she accidentally kicked someone and then told me she had no idea she got in trouble. Which led to me telling her she was lying and her screeching in the car. Words kid. Use your words. And until you can - off to your room. If you are going to act 3 instead of 7 thats what happens.

And if I wasn't worn out enough at the beginning of the week I came down with the stomach flu on Wednesday. I actually threw up at work then came home met with the kids case worker and then proceeded to puke my guts out for the next 6 hours. Even though today is Saturday I'm still experiencing symptoms of my stomach not being right. I can only pray the kids don't get this.

And on to the wonderful joys of foster parenting. The caseworker told us Mom has a new apartment thats been approved and that the kids will resume visits there. She told us she thinks they will be starting therapy as a family soon and that she would guess they will return home in December. In the same conversation she asked us to be involved in the transition and starting it early so it goes as smoothly as possible.

I had all kinds of reactions to this. Of course we love these kids we'll be happy to help them. Then the hope that I am to be a Mom forever flew out of me and I just got really sad. I know that these are not "my" kids. But when you are the one in the middle of the night waking up with them, refereeing their fights, soothing them because no one has kept them safe its a little hard not to feel like they are my kids. Then the thought was another lousy Christmas. Full of loss. And then I cycled through and put back my "one day at a time" cape.

So maybe I was just overly hopeful that at their visit this week things would go great and all my concerns would be calmed. Until it was 45 minutes past the time they should have been home and I called their driver's service. No one told me that they were going to be there an extra hour to make up from the February blizzard - which I thought they had already finished making up. We've had some alleged issues with the service and drivers and car seats and kids not being in seat belts and kids not feeling safe and drivers getting lost. And I know the guy doesn't speak English and I know that my Jelly Bean is loosing speaking her Spanish I have a real concern that she won't be able to communicate with him. Mr. Mohawk may understand it but he does not speak any words in Spanish. So I was rather miffed when she informed me that their mother only speaks Spanish. And they they have to understand the language they grew up hearing their whole life.

Excuse me? Umm she beat the hell out of them and so they have been living with other people for the last 9 months. Has she met these kids? Does she take them to school? Does she handle their bed wetting? So how is it she thinks she knows them better than me? And she kept saying "well if this is really how you feel and a concern why are you on;y now addressing it?"

Deep breath. I thought I had addressed it with the case worker. Until they went missing for 45 minutes and I had to call you. And fine defend your employee I get that but your customer service skills are lacking some if all you can focus on is defending a guy that scares the crap out of little kids, has gotten lost using a GPS, and rear ended another car while at a stop light becuase he was yelling at the kids.

So when the kids actually arrived home they of course were covered in candy. And Mr. Mohawk was wearing completely different clothes - shirt, pants, underwear, socks - than when he left for school. And of course no one would tell us what happened. And his clothes he had been wearing (his favorite underwear and brand new shirt and jeans) were not in his backpack. Grrrr. Upon further discussion we found out he got put in time out and somewhere he wet his pants (So why the need for new shirt and socks I'm not sure). And were they wound up.It was very hard to keep calm with the behavior. So I am supe glad their therapist is on her way this AM.

Well our first visit went well. I don't know why I was so worried. Well OK I do....My home was being judged, my competency was being judged, our ability to be good parents was being judged on a 1st impression. And I HATE that. But CW was really nice and laid back and she came in. Looked over our paperwork. Looked at the house and then told us our room was big enough for 3 kids.



And somehow in the course of an hour we redefined what we were willing to foster and it became 0-13 and any gender. As lately they have had sets of 3 siblings come into care. So now its hurry up an wait. Well that and somehow furnish a room for the unknown. Could someone please tell me how to do that? Right now we are looking for bunk beds. Is it better to buy a less expensive frame from Ikea or go all out and get a substantial set at 10 times the cost? I think we are going to go with less expensive but it feels like throwing money away. We shopped all day saturday looking at different places trying to get an idea. It is now August. We need to get something in place for October. And I'd prefer a room that wasn't thrown together. (This is something I feel about the majority of our house EXCEPT our basement which is beautiful.)

So after all of this my husband and I told my Mom about our plan. And she took it much better than I thought she would. She had some concerns mainly about the issues the children may come with but told me she understood our reasoning behind our decision. And while she wasn't over joyed about the news she wasn't negative about it either. She even confessed to wanting to adopt children from Romania at one point. I guess I've always had the dream of a big family in common with my Mom. My Mom told my Dad and his big concern was cultural differences and babysitting. We made plans to see my husbands parents next weekend. I'm not sure what they will say. My father in law has been bugging us about kids for a while so I'm hoping he'll be our champion in all of this.