Long Overdue Update

Well hello there! It has been years since I've written and published a post and recently I've had the idea that maybe this year was the year to finally write the book everyone has been telling me I should write. And in an effort to brush off those skills, I thought a life update might be helpful.

Like many foster moms, the time for blogging got smaller and smaller as the kids got older.   I also began to consider if what I was sharing in my posts was truly mine to share or if it was theirs.  If you don't put it out there for public consumption, then you don't have to decide.  The kids and I have had some pretty lengthy discussions about that.  One day we hope to collaborate.  For now, I'll tread carefully. 

Last I shared, Gabby had moved into our home in July 2020 right as she was about to start college. She turned 22 this week and is in her last full semester of her senior year of college. She spent 6 week in Spain this past summer studying abroad! Her degree is in Spanish and her dream job is to be a translator in a school setting.  

Little Mama had guardianship of Mr. Mohawk through this past summer.  At that point, Maria had gotten out of the detention center and was able to have Mr. Mohawk live with her.  He's a junior in high school and now towers over me! LM is working as a CNA. We see them most holidays and LM makes it a point to come hang out with me and Gabby.  She is now 23 and has her own apartment. She's working on finding a better paying job so she can improve her circumstances.  

Jelly Bean is married and living in Georgia.  From what I understand, the circumstances aren't the best and she's struggling to find her way to a less chaotic life.  As Gabby and LM mature, they have put in place some pretty strong boundaries where their biological family is concerned and that sometimes includes not allowing Jelly Bean to complain about chaos she creates. 

I love having the Gabby, Little Mama, and Mr. Mohawk here. We've had such amazing conversations about their time in foster care.  Probably my biggest take away is that while they don't often remember the details, the way they felt is always present.  They will sometimes get upset about something and I'll point out that they used to feel that way when they lived with me, or they had a certain reaction to an event they don't recall and they are stunned. I've found this to be true of the Forever Four as well. 

Ahh, the Forever Four....plus Solana.

Stella is a Freshman in college! She basically knocked her Senior year out of the park and earned a bunch of awards and honors. She's taking full advantage of the DCFS scholarship available to kids who were adopted or aged out of care and has had to take out zero loans for school.  Here she is at her Senior Prom.

Sarah is now a Junior in high school.  She's a talented flute player and has a part time job at one of her favorite restaurants.  She's into make-up and fashion and will be starting a cosmetology program as part of her Senior year. 

Simon is now a Sophomore in high school.  He's also a talented musician, playing the trumpet and participating in Marching Band and Pep Band. He also has made some pretty awesome wood crafts in wood shop.  His current dream is to own his own Food Truck.  

Smiley is now a sullen teenager LOL. She still has a beautiful smile, its just hidden behind the hormones and annoyance. She's a Freshman in high school.  She also participated in Marching Band and Pep Band and we are waiting to find out if she will join her siblings in Wind Symphony next year. Her mood still dictates how the day is going to go and watching her come out of her shell this year has been exciting. Here she is trying to win "Pink Day" at Band Camp.

And last but not least, Solana. Solana is now 8 and in 3rd Grade.  I call her my shadow because she is never more than a few feet away.  She's is super creative, constantly drawing, modeling clay, or building structures out of boxes, pillows and blankets. She is still living with me full time! She's on the right, at her 1st Holy Communion Party.

As I type this, I realize that the update on SD and Sheila is also way overdue.  My relationships with them are in a really awesome and beautiful place, that has changed and grown over time. It is something that deserves its own post. 

Probably the biggest change is that my marriage has ended and hubby and I are in the process of divorcing after being separated for 2 years.  We were nesting for the first 18 months of that.  Nesting means we were sharing a house to minimize the disruption to the kids. The kids stayed in the marital home and we purchased a townhouse nearby and traded off weeks, one parent being in the house with the kids and the other parent at the townhouse, switching weekly after family therapy. 

We continued that arrangement until this past summer.  I've struggled with how much to write about the reasons why that stopped.  The most complete answer I feel I can give is that Hubby made a really bad choice, that lead to legal action and a protective order between him and one of the kids. The fall-out since the "incident" has been pretty continuous and effectively made me a single parent of 6 kids with fresh trauma. It's been a really hard road for all of us the past 8 months. 

That's why everyone keeps telling me to write a book. Or maybe that's just something people say to a Mom handling one major life crisis/event after another? 

I always thought I'd title my future book "Start with One" because that's what my Grandma said to me when I told her I was becoming a Foster Parent. But lately I've been toying with "And Then The Dog Died" because of course the emotional support puppy we adopted was going to have a fatal disease and we'd have to grieve him too....

So be on the look out for more posts. What do you want to hear about first? Drop a comment here or on Facebook and let me know! 

The Fab Four - An Update

In the fall of 2019, I had reached out to Gabby (a senior in high school) as our dog wasn't doing great.  The dog was always special to the Fab Four and I wanted to make sure if we had to say goodbye, that Gabby at least got a chance to do so.

It had been a while since I had really spoken to her beyond text messages.  The last time we had seen her was for Father's day weekend in 2018 and Maria and Jelly Bean had given her such a hard time for spending time with us, we backed off in order to prevent any unnecessary drama. 

Somewhere along the way (post reunification) Maria went from grateful for our support to resentful of our relationship with her children. That led to only Gabby really making an effort to stay connected.  Little Mama had moved out of Maria's house shortly before her high school graduation (not inviting her mother to the ceremony) and decided it was easier to hate us. Jelly Bean was being so incredibly disrespectful, that I had to block her on my social media accounts. Mr. Mohawk was not really in the picture since he barely remembers living with us....

So when I suggested Gabby come spend a night or two to hang out even if the dog was going to be ok, she replied I'd love that but I have to go ask Anna. 

I'm sorry who? 

Turns out Gabby, Jelly Bean, and Mr. Mohawk were living with their Uncle and his girlfriend, Anna and her two children.  Maria had gotten arrested for possession and intent to sell marijuana and cocaine nearly 11 months earlier and had been in jail the entire time. Too embarrassed and not wanting us to worry, Gabby didn't tell us.

The week after we found out Maria was in jail, the Uncle hit Anna's son in a drunken domestic disturbance and a DCFS investigation was opened.  When we picked Gabby up for the weekend she cried almost the entire 45 minute drive to our house.  I cried with her.

How could the police not call DCFS when Maria was arrested? How could they end up with the people who weren't cleared to be placements the first time they were in care? And there wasn't a whole lot we could do to help, aside from just show up for Gabby.

During all of this, Jelly Bean  was in a mental health crisis and ran away for an evening.  As a result, Maria (from jail) decided Jelly Bean should go live with Little Mama and Mr. Mohawk would go live with a different relative, and Gabby would stay with Anna.

It was heartbreaking to watch Gabby loose her siblings all over again.  We wrapped around her as much as we could.  We hosted her for weekends and the holidays and started to help her finalize plans for college taking her on college visits and helping her with her financial aid.

As the pandemic hit we urged her to come live with us. She could finish school remotely and get a break before she had to leave for college.  She decides she wanted to stay out so she could work as much as possible to save for school.  

Then in July she got Covid. At the same time the Uncle decided that Gabby and Little Mama needed to move out. Gabby decided that since all of her college classes were going to be on-line it made the most sense to come stay with us indefinitely.

So the last week of July 2020, she moved in. 

The last 5 months have been a joy. An absolute joy. She's slid I to the family as of she's always been here. She's managing school and work and is incredibly helpful with the other kids and things like dinner. 

We've had some really amazing conversations about her time in foster care. And we've been able to spend some time with the rest of the Fab Four as well. 

Maria was paroled and then immediately detained by ICE due to her conviction violating the terms of her green card. So we've been trying to support Gabby relative to this change as well. Maria's is likely to get deported and so Mr. Mohawk and Jelly Bean have been in a few different kinship placements. 

Most recently Little Mama (20) took guardianship of Mr. Mohawk (14) and they are living with her boyfriend.  She is struggling with this responsibility (in addition to work and school) and while we've offered to be a resource, we told them we could only agree to him living here if the Department officially got involved.

Jelly Bean (17) is living with her boyfriend and his parents who have given her a curfew. She seems to be doing well there and is working a part time job in addition to school.

The Fab Four is really angry at Maria as her choices have meant instability for them for the foreseeable future. Seperately, Gabby and Little Mama have each asked me if them going home was still the right decision. My heart hurts for them and how complicated their lives continue to be. 

I'm Rusty

I forgot how stressful redirection can be. It was constant this past weekend. Jelly Bean just could not get it together. Over and over and over and over again.

The minute they got in my car Friday we went over the house rules. We went over the activities and then I answered to Mom a gazillion times. But that didn't matter because she basically broke every.single.one. And I know its testing. But it was exhausting. I mean been there. Done that. Bought the T-Shirt. There were no major incidents just a constant need for negative attention.

The really big thing was she left the door to the garage and the house wide open. So of course the dog got out. I have no idea how long he was outside and thankfully he stuck close by because when Gabby went outside to look for him he came right to her. But I was so upset I told the kids they needed to find a separate corner of the house where I couldn't see them. Ok. I yelled it. So the oldest two were crying and I couldn't find the youngest two when I came back to get to the bottom of who left the doors open. Apparently, Get to a corner where I can't see you meant hide to them. So we called them they came out of  - you guessed it - separate corners.

There is no road map for this. And I admitted to myself this weekend that this is hard. And I can't expect them to respond and act the way they had been because its been 5 months and there are in a new world. And at this point, I'm glad they are. Mr. Mohawk told me how he had to draw a really good picture for school. He drew his family. He drew me, Hubby and "my other Mom". Which made me smile.

There were lots of really great moments in between the redirection. So all was not lost. In fact, we had a fun weekend. And we laughed. A lot. Which is probably what I miss the most. When I dropped them off and no one cried (including me) and Maria gave me a bag full of fresh from the field corn (seriously I don't know who she thinks I'm feeding) and her friend was bringing in pumpkins for the kids to carve everything seemed like it was in the right place. And thats really all I can ask for.

Jelly Bean

Dear Jelly Bean,

I know I could have handled things better this morning. I know I could have handled things better this evening. But for the LOVE of Pete can you please stop driving me crazy with the questions. And the fighting with your siblings. And the "never mind" when I ask you clarification questions to try and figure out what the hell you are talking about.

And please, when I ask you to give me a few minutes to walk in the door and shove food down my throat so I don't pass out because its 8pm, do just that. Give me space. It's not a trick. This mom says what she means. This Mom hated having to remind you that if I've already answered a question twice I will ignore the third time and you will not get what you are asking for. You can try to ask me the same question 15 ways I have my answer and it is the same: No. N.O. And really after 2 years you can't tell when I'm crabby and you should leave me be? Grrrr.

Let's try not to break anything in the morning ok? And perhaps avoid bruising your siblings? And maybe not give me a migraine BEFORE I get to work?

Love,

Mom

For the LOVE

Nightly, I need to request, remind, threaten, and eventually yell at Mr. Mohawk to go to sleep. He is an active 5 year old with an equally active imagination. He's constantly talking to and playing with his toys. When we went to Disney he got a Mickey AND a Minnie doll because "Mickey needed a friend to talk to." Well that, and Daddy is a sucker for those big brown eyes and very logical arguments. (Mommy would have said, "or we can get no Mickey?".)

So it wasn't a surprise that 11pm I heard whispering coming from his room. "Mr. Mohawk! GO.TO.SLEEP."

1:45am. I wake up. Do I hear knocking? I jump out of bed. The dog lifts his head and Hubby doesn't even stir. Yep. Knocking. Then "Mommy?".

I'm coming sweetie pie. There he is. My rough and tumble boy tears streaming down his face. He can't catch his breath. His dream terrified him. What was it about? His brown eyes widen and the years escape them. A..a...crab. It was going to eat me and then it saw my really Mama and it grabbed her with its hands. And she couldn't save me. And then it started to come after me and I woke up. It was going to EAT me!

You're safe now baby. You're at my house. There are no crabs. You're safe.

He doesn't get them often but they are generally before he sees his Mom. And while I love my uninterrupted sleep, the importance of this routine motherly task is not lost on me. It used to be he'd wake up Little Mama. Time and consistency have changed that.

He can find comfort in my arms now. His breathing calms and his body relaxes as I rock him back to sleep. And for a brief moment I allow myself to imagine he was mine from birth. That nights of rocking him were common. I allow myself to forget that I'm supposed to be helping him LEAVE my home and go back to a mother that hurt him.

I imagine telling him he can sleep between Hubby and I tonight. Curling up with him in my arms and listening to his breathing become steady and deep before I go back to sleep.

But the state does not allow that. Instead I tuck him back into bed. And then sing the Italian lullaby that I grew up with, as his eyes get heavy.

I wake to find a beautiful Saturday morning waiting for us. I get him and his sisters up and ready for their visit. Upon Jelly Bean's awakening, it's announced she wet the bed.

It doesn't end....

OH YES I DID

So you know those parents who think their child is perfect and can do no wrong? Yeah, I'm not one of them.  I will fight for my kids to get what they need and I will make sure they know I will protect them and stick up for them but hide their mistakes and prevent them from suffering the consequences of their choices - not on your life.

It wasn't intentional but I totally ratted my kid out to the principal. Jelly Bean's daycare told me that she got off the bus this week in tears.  Apparently, she slapped another kid and the bus driver pulled the bus over and blocked traffic coming out of the school parking lot.  So the school police officer came on the bus to find out what happened.  This was triggering for her because she thought the police officer was going to take her to "juvie" and then she was teased all the way home.  Participating in the teasing? Her sister, Gabby. So several issues:

1. She didn't keep her hands to herself.
2. The police officer triggered her.
3. She was made fun of. Which she can't handle.
4. Her sister participated. She already thinks she's unloved.

So the next morning on the way to work I call the principal - anticipating that he'll call me when he gets the write up from the bus driver. I got his voicemail so I left a message explaining the version of the story I heard and that I was going to stand by whatever consequence he saw fit.  So when he called me at 5pm that night I was surprised to learn that he hadn't gotten a write up. We spoke about the police officer being triggering and if there was a way she could get to know the ones at the school. He told me he would investigate the bus incident and let me know his decision.

The next day he called me with JB in his office and told me she was suspended from the bus on Monday.  Good.  She should be held accountable. She gets a lot of slack in our expectations due to her emotional challenges but hitting others - not acceptable.

Gabby was also held accountable.  She will need to do something nice for JB.

Side note: The same day as the bus Jelly Bean was accused of taking two books that belonged to another student.  One of the day care teachers (one that I'm not a big fan of) asked me about it as I was signing the kids in and I was running late for work.  By the time I turned around a book has been taken out of her backpack (by another teacher) and I was told it would be held on to until the matter had been investigated.  I emailed JB's teachers at school before I got out of the parking lot.  When I went to pick the kids up not one but two OTHER teachers asked me about the missing book.  I was soo annoyed. Then the director tells me about the bus and I'm thinking seriously? A book about food that's probably 10 pages long was so important 4 people had to tell me about it but the fact that my kid came off the bus crying only warranted 1 person? Lets just say my email forwarding the school's response that it was their book and they would like it back was very pointed and not on the nice side.