How do you do it?

Cherub Mama recently posted about juggling a crazy schedule when both foster parents are working after a reader posed the question to her. I was honored to be included in a list of bloggers to check out.

The reader asked "Can it be done?" The simplest answer is yes. Yes, it can be done. It is done every day.  But I think what she was really getting at was how can it be done? How with a full work schedule and all the responsibilities of adulthood and the responsibilities of a relationship could we fit in children, doctors, caseworkers, licensing workers, family visits, sibling visits, school, etc. Its a great question and one I get asked constantly. (I'm not going to touch on therapeutic needs or disability in this post.  That's another piece of the puzzle left for a different day.)

I get asked the question "How do you do it?" every time someone finds out I'm a foster parent. Then I get the shock when they find out both Hubby and I work full time (and lately more than full time) while parenting 4 older foster children.  The kids are currently in grades 7th, 5th , 3rd  and kindergarten. This would be hectic enough if the kids were not in care.  But they are and so that makes our lives 100 times more hectic and complicated. 

The first thing I had to learn when we took this on, was that I needed to give myself a break. The idea that I would be the perfect mother with a gourmet meal on the table and kids who were impeccably dressed with darling hair and a floor you could eat off of had to go right out the window. 

Then I had to get organized. I am still no where near where I need to be as evidenced by the nearly missed field trip to the state capital last week, the storage boxes of holiday decorations sitting next to me and the fact that my Mom spent the last week re-arranging my stuff. I devour the tips in the magazines each month on "organizing and decluttering  your life".  With 4 kids, 2 adults and a 60lbs dog in a 2 bedroom loft townhouse there aren't enough tips for us!

We have cubbies by the door with a spot for shoes and a spot for backpacks.  We have a coat rack labeled with everyone's names. We have a rack for keys. We  have a central calendar on our garage door where I keep notes about school information and the kids keep their "bonus bucks" that they earn. When the kids first moved in we color coded them. Each picked their favorite color and that was what I used to determine who's toothbrush, towel, washcloth, etc was not where it was supposed to me.  Now that they are a bit older and have lived with us for so long this isn't as necessary but it avoided a lot of confusion in the beginning.  (It also gave them a sense of "this is mine" which I believe helped them heal and bond.)

My life is in my planner which is called a Momagenda.  I looked and looked and looked for a planner that could fit all of our stuff and this one does. It has a spot for each child and for dinner.  It also shows the week Monday to Sunday. And the pockets and calendars are great.  I keep a copy of the kids medical cards, business cards of providers and update my notes section at each meeting.  I've even used it to document behavior for each child which allows me to also see what their visit schedule was like that week.

The schedule is tough. We have a serious lack of communication and since there are so many providers we are often left out of the loop.  (I know backwards! I have the most people to get to where they need to go and the most schedules to consider but after complaining for nearly 2 years about it I'm not sure how else to get it across to everyone.) I always feel guilty when the pediatrician asks me about sports for the kids. Sports? I wish. Tuesday and Wednesday there is therapy. Wednesday, Friday and Saturday there are bio Mom visits. Add homework and activities: ice skating, band, art club, science club, scrapbook club, student council and then the monthly case worker and psychiatrist appointments not to mention court (every 3 months in this case), family meetings (every other month), administrative case review (ACR) and finally school meetings there is little left in the way of down time.

Its a lot.  The first step to being able to handle it is admit it and try to unschedule whatever you can.  I try to have appointments on the same day.  For instance both therapists for the kids come on Tuesday and whenever possible the case worker comes that day too.  Thankfully our pediatrician and psychiatrist have Saturday appointments so those go there.  If I can't make the meeting I request it to be a conference call. Family meetings and ACR are usually this way.  I also fight for down time for the kids. I resisted Saturdays for as long as possible so that the kids had a break. We also get away a few times a year as a family which has helped us break out of the "foster care routine. We have also been assigned a provider to help us manage the stress. The kid's therapists were assigned as a resource to prevent another disruption of the kids. (They have lived with 7 other families between them before coming all together in our home.)

The next step is to divide an conquer.  If I do drop off Hubby does pick up. Each child gets a chore. If he needs support Monday then I get support Tuesday. Errands need to be run - you take two kids, I take two kids. It helps that both of our employers are extremely flexible but this also means often taking work home or staying late. 

I also recommend a back up.  My Mom fills this role as she is currently not working. I'm not sure we would be able to manage without her. She does pick up for activities, watched kids when they are sick, and has picked them up after being sent home for bad behavior.  We also have some amazing friends and other family members who check in and pray for us.  And a few fantastic babysitters to call when we need a few hours of peace or adult beverages.

Logistics can be figured out. And if you had kids naturally it often would have followed a progression and wouldn't seem like such a shock. With foster care its different. Its "Hey I'd like to become a Mom" on Tuesday and Friday "Great! here are your grade school aged children and a tween. We are closed for the weekend. Good luck." In my opinion, The biggest obstacle is handling everything emotionally.

Like I said earlier, I had to learn to give myself a break. This means saying no to events and people as well. (I even said no to the two oldest girls coming to live in our home the first time we were asked.)  Saying no is hard. Especially for a Type A person like me.  It is also hard for others to hear and understand "no". It was hard to cancel plans last minute when something went haywire and big feelings needed to be dealt with.  The simplest thing was to just say no up front. This has caused issues with family and friends. They were hurt we declined. We were hurt they couldn't or didn't want to try and understand.  Learning to let go has helped us accomplish the big task at hand.  Adjusting my expectations of the kids and others has also gone a long way to helping us with the "how".  It's kind of a "good enough" attitude.  And while that makes me sad sometimes it goes along with the "it is what it is" mentality we have had to adopt. 

Many foster and adoptive parents participate in their own therapy. Many are on anti-depressants. I myself take an anti-anxiety pill when I get super stressed.  Self-care is super important. If you aren't cared for you can't care for anyone else. Making time for hobbies and downtime is also important.  This is something Hubby is very good at but I am not.  I'm working on this part especially.

I am not perfect.  I write here so that I don't go bonkers. What works for me may not work for you.  And my ability to manage this level of crazy took a lot of trial and error. A lot of yelling and tears.  There are days that I'm not sure I would sign up for this life again. There are days where I know it was totally worth every frustration. Its why I often answer the question "How do you do it?" with "It's not for everyone." Because it isn't. Nor is every child for every family.  I wouldn't recommend this level of crazy to my worst enemy. (Although I would love for some people in our lives to spend a day doing it so that they could understand it better.)  Living in limbo for nearly 2 years is crazy. Even crazier is that we expect the kids to do so and keep getting up every day.  This brings me to the last piece of my "how".  I remind myself that if they can do it, so can I.
 

Thankful

Often I read posts about the loss of a support system to foster and adoptive families. Friends and families don't understand the chaos and confusion. They don't understand behaviors or mental illness and that often the best way to deal with these difficulties is the opposite of what makes sense to the majority of parents. They don't understand why you can't break routine "just this once" or why a babysitter may not be a possibility. Or they may not feel they can let the children into their lives to watch them walk away. We've been fairly lucky in this reguard. I had already lost the people who would have bailed when I went through my depression. The family that hasn't really understood what our lives are like now had already started to grow away from us. The hurt and confusion of people you love walking away had already been dealt with before the kids got here. We also have some pretty wonderful people in our life that cheer us on and worry with us and I wanted to take a moment to say how thankful I am for their presence in our life. I understand how rare that can be in foster/adopt land. We were with two of these people on Friday night. They called spur of the moment to see us and the kids. We went bowling. We sat outside near a campfire with some live music, great food, and a few drinks and laughed. Really laughed. I can't remember the last time all of us sat around a table happy and relaxed in our home town. These friends of our love our kids. They sat with me a few days after Jelly Bean was hospitalized. I was tipsy and the emotions of the week had gotten to me and I was crying. And they were crying with me. At two in the morning. So I wasn't by myself. I was grateful for the reassurances they gave then and they have been true to their word still. They are at every birthday and celebration and my kids love them back. They are an aunt and uncle even though we are not related but I wouldn't have it any other way. My Prayer tonight is that other families have good friends in their lives too. Especially when Things get rough. So that they feel supported and so their children can see what good friendships look like.

You Have a Nice Family

Sometimes the hardest part of losing my Grandma is that she didn't get to meet my kids or see me be a Mom. Its hard to explain what an amazing woman she was. She was never alone because she made friends everywhere.  She had a Facebook page. She was notorious for not knowing how to work ANY of her cameras...like ever. She had a laugh you could hear across the house and she had a quirk about sharing utensils. And man she could make the smallest get togethers totally special. She worked hard to make sure her family knew she loved them for being them. Even when we failed, sometimes miserably, she always gave us the encouragement or the kick in the ass that we needed.

I know I'm doing a good job of telling my kids about her because in moments when I admit to them that I wish they could have met her they say to me, "Mom I feel like I love her even though I never met her." And that warms my heart and makes the loss slightly easier.

For whatever reason, today was a day I missed her incredibly. Its been almost 6 months since I've had a dream with her in it and I'm afraid that means I won't have one again. I'm afraid that I've lost the spiritual connection to her. I know I will see her in Heaven but I'm impatient. (One of the lessons I know that God wanted to teach me was patience when He showed me the path of Foster Care.)

I think maybe I was missing her so much because we were near her house today and decided to eat at our favorite pizza place. And when I say our, I mean our entire family. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins this was the place we always went to (and still do). The majority of birthdays, to celebrate an achievement, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Friday.....Any opportunity we could we'd meet up in this tiny little dive pizza place that only sells pizza, has no delivery, accepts only cash or check, and has seating for maybe 40 people, maybe. The place has been there for more than 50 years and hasn't changed much over the years. As I sat down at one of the tables with my family I was hit with tears. Continuing the legacy as it were.

Within minutes our pizza was set on our table and we proceeded to inhale the deliciousness. We ate pretty much in silence because the pizza is that good. We joked a bit as we slowed down on the chewing and enjoyed the time together. A rare non-eventful day where there were no tantrums, no tears, and everyone was getting along. As we were getting up to leave the elderly folks at the table next to us were leaving too. One of the woman who had a smile like my Grandmother touched my arm and said to me,

"You have a very nice family. I was watching you and you just have such a  lovely family."

I smiled and said, "Thank you. Thank you for noticing."

Its is very much the kind of thing my Grandma would say to a family sharing our space who seemed nice and had well behaved children. And crazy as it might seem I really think my Grandma was working through that woman.

And if it wasn't, it was a good reminder that at the end of the day we really are a nice family. It was also really nice to have someone who doesn't know our back story see us as "normal". To not be the instant family, or the foster family, or even have someone question if we are related. To not have someone tell us we are nice because we became foster parents but rather because we are nice to each other and had a nice time and it showed.

Wishes

So after seeing the magical Wishes fireworks show we headed home. While almost on the ferry back to the parking lot we witnessed a shoving match between two women.

It got ugly. Men stepped in to separate them. My Dad happened to be next to the shoving and was trying to get them to be reasonable...

As you know you can't reason with crazy.

Of course Gabby, LM and Mr. Mohawk were with me. (Hubby took Jelly Bean home after she told me she was in trouble because she was a B**** or I was...I'm not sure. Doesn't matter swearing is not acceptable. Swearing in Disney World gets you sent home early. With Dad. By yourself.)

So there we are right behind the cat fight that breaks out and grown people are going at it and kids are crying because they are scared and all I can see is what my kids see.

Grandpa near a screaming woman who is pushing people. And I knew it was triggering. So as we get in the boat my Dad starts discussing (loudly) what happened. And I ask him to please talking about it. And he challenges me on why.

And my childhood is triggered.

"Because I have children with PTSD from domestic violence that's why!"

And there is Gabby shaking. She later told me why she was scared wasn't going to make any sense- that the lady was going to hit everyone. But there we were on the boat trying to get the trauma brain to calm down.

I wish my kids could enjoy Disney World without the triggers of abuse. I wish I didn't have to worry about waiting in line being traumatic. I wish everyone in my life understood what that's like for us and the kids.

I wish I may I wish I might.

Week 4

So this weekend will be 4 weeks since the kids have seen their Mom. We've settled into a groove of sorts - running errands, knocking out doctor and therapy appointments, getting stuff done around the house and hanging out as a family.  Its been strangely normal.  The kids have kind of stopped talking about her, being in foster care, and talking about going home.  Its sad because they seem so defeated by this like somehow they failed.  Nothing has changed with their goal of reunification.  Its as if this entire thing is on pause.  But they see the writing on the wall.  THEY know that by now she should have her act together and she's cemented their suspicion that she hasn't changed.  Even Little Mama has seemed to have given up hope that her Mom can do enough to get them back.  Which of course means that they are questioning our commitment to them.  The question before bed last night: "Mom do you like us?".

We've had some regressive behavior.  Mr. Mohawk had a ton of trouble keeping his hands to himself and has been lying up a storm.  Little Mama is forgetting homework and claiming ignorance of knowledge.  Gabby and Jelly Bean have been clingy and needy.  I took a page out of Last Mom's book and put both of them in shopping carts this past week.  Partly to help their brains process through where they were emotionally stuck, and partly because it wasn't worth the stress to me. Let me tell you when you have ADHD and anxious children you are less likely to scream and tear your hair out and head for the vodka its a lot more peaceful to grocery shop if you can put them in something. That is of course if you can keep them from fighting. And ignore the stares of other people wondering what kind of mother you are letting your 8 and 10 year old children play around in a shopping cart. And I know that's what they are thinking because if I weren't living in traumaland I too would be wondering: What the heck is WRONG with that woman? There are times when I want to stare back and then say: You have no idea what these kids have survived or what we are dealing with as a family.  Let me tell you that by letting them ride in a cart at the store I am helping to heal their trauma and hopefully give them a decent shot at a stable future. And you know - I get how easy it is to judge but really we need to lay off one another. 

And as much as I love having the weekends with the kids, I need a break so my Mom is watching them Saturday while I go to the doctor and Hubby gets caught up at work.  She's really looking forward to having them and that makes my heart happy.

Thanksgiving

As I reflect on the past year I realize how vastly different the list of things I'm thankful for this year compared to last year. The day before Thanksgiving last year my grandmother passed. I was thankful then that she was no longer suffering but that was pretty much it. I was angry and scared and I wasn't happy about much. The year that has followed brought me motherhood, a better relationship with my husband, a new job that I love and many new friends. I'm am thankful for all of these things.

As we spent the day with family my foster kids who were not with their family did pretty good. It was a long day and they held it together pretty much until the end. I only handed out 1 timeout which is a pretty good day for us. I'm bracing myself for tomorrow and Saturday's post visit behavior but hey I'll take for now. I'm glad they got to see how caring supportive families interact. And they felt safe and comfortable most of the day.

I don't know if this is the only Thanksgiving they will spend with us. I hope not but that isn't for me to decide. I remembered today that there are those who do not have what I have. My kids have taught me that. I pray for those who go without - without food, clothing, shelter, employment and especially those who went without family today.

Tomorrows adventure? Chopping down our own Christmas tree.

True in my Heart

I couldn't help but cry. After a long day and missing dinner with the kids I came home to find them busy qt work on their scrapbook from Disney World. They are very creative and love paper craft stuff and their therapists suggested it as an outlet for working together and to raise their self esteem. Little Mama can even be on a scrapbook club at middle school next year.

So I turned a table in our kitchen to a scrapbook zone. Since I gave up my workspace when the kids came I no longer had all my supplies in the same area. My husband hates where it is but for now it's good for them. And there they were all three girls working quietly when I arrived home. They were struggling with how to make the pages come alive and asked for my help but they made a really good first stab at it!

They had a picture of me with Belle my favorite princess and they wanted me to write this in cursive on the page "Mom with her favorite princess.". I paused. I struggled to find the right way to say it without hurting their feelings.

"I will write whatever you decide but I want you to take a few minutes to think about how you might feel down the road 5 years when you are living with your Mom and this book calls me Mom. Are you sure you don't want to put my name because either way would be ok with me."

Little Mama sitting next to me is shaking her head no. JB is looking at me like I'm nuts and Gabby, my sensitive little Gabby says "it will still be true in our hearts. You are our Mom and you were during this trip and so that's what I want to put." then she started to cry.

To which of course I started to cry. Somehow I managed to pull out something about how'd I get so lucky to have such sweet kids to love back. To make them think they were happy tears. But I was crying for all the reasons I cried yesterday. Their potential, their struggle to heal, their dreams, their fears and the fact that no one can tell us what will happen. My fear that they will leave and i will never see them agian and i will spend the rest of my life wondering if they were ok. And deep deep down in my heart I had to beat back the hope that the album we were working on would never leave this house. That it would be the first of many family vacation albums. All with pictures of me labeled Mom and them labeled my kids. Because if that hope surfaces and then gets crushed I'm not sure how I will survive it. Or how our family and friends will. And no matter how much I preface and prepare them for reunification their hope is the same and I never realize that I could be responsible for more heartbreak to be heaped on my family.

Super Hero

I couldn't help but giggle this morning when my little guy tied his Spiderman shirt around his neck like a cape this morning. Today is the big birthday party day and he is excited. Of course life happened yesterday which means that Jelly Bean will not be participating in the moon bounce at the party.

Here's the thing I HATE that she can't. I had this awesome picture in my head of all of us jumping in it together and some amazing candid shots for their photo album. I knew Friday would be hard as their Mom cancelled their visit. Whennpushed their case worker told me I could tell the kids she was sick. I don't know if it's true or not. She cancelled therapy Monday. An if it was because she was sick I would think by Friday night she would be better. Of course Little Mama pointed out that if it was her she would have has the visit anyway. Buy I digress...... So Friday morning Jelly Bean was having a great start. No issues getting ready and I reminded her on the way onto day camp that she needed to be good in order to go to the party. When my husband picked her up he was handed a report that she BIT another kid.

Seriously? You are 7. Were you trying to be funny? This is usually the case with her. She does seething outrageous thinking the adults are going to laugh and instead she gets in trouble. So my husband have her a choice: write 200 I will use my words and will not bite people or miss out on the surprise tomorrow. She picked the surprise.

Now because I have a family that doesn't always listen to me and the party is at my parents house I left a message for my parents that she would not be participating in the moon bounce. Fast forward to a phone call from my dad telling me he wasn't going to allow that child to be tortured at his house. Torture? Not letting her go in a moon bounce because she bit someone after being given the chance to choose her punishment Passes for torture? Well geez. What's he going to think when he finds out that I made her wear her hair in a pony tail all week because I was tired of yelling at her to brush it. Cruel and unusual punishment?

I'm sure it will suck for her watching the other kids play in the moon bounce. But hopefully it will sink in that biting is serious. As is hitting which she did earlier this week. And writing sentences and being grounded apparently were not effective enough. She made a choice and she will have to live with the consequences. It's a valuable life lesson and if she doesn't learn it now she will be stuck in the cycle of bad judgement and legal consequences like her mother.

Love Should be Multiplied Not Divided

So when I can put down some cohesive thoughts I'll go into my theories about why this all happened. Regardless of the why - we now have all FOUR siblings in this sibling set. My foster kid's older sisters came to live with us last night. With 4 hours notice. I saw all the pieces come together - the bunk beds we had purchased the day before. The constant discussion about what if the girls needed to move? The capacity of 6 people for our hotel room for our trip to Disney. (Which was originally for my sister in law and her boyfriend's kids but they broke up.)(AND YES WE ARE STILL GOING)And so when at 3 pm yesterday the kids case worker called and told me their current foster parents gave notice that they wanted them moved by that night we were able to come to a decision.

I'll admit - I'm terrified. We as rookie parents, are now outnumbered 2 to 1. We went from a family of 2 to a family of 6 in a matter of 4 months. And as much as I'm sure that this is the right thing for these kids that I'm committed to - I worry we won't be enough for them to heal. All I know is my Mama Bear instinct kicked in and they were coming to live with us. I know we will pay for this decision in behaviors and tears and hard work. But I also know we will be rewarded in laughter and fun and love.

And of course it scared my little guy in a big way. He cried as he brushed his teeth last night that he missed his sisters (who were downstairs) and I knew that he was scared they would be gone in the morning. Because how is an almost 4 year old supposed to understand why his sisters are here but not his "really, real Mom"? And as I kissed the oldest goodnight I could see the fear in her eyes as well. Fear that she would be moved again. Fear that her siblings would be split again. Fear that we won't love her. And I looked her in the eyes and begged her silently to hear my heart and told her that everything was going to be O.K. That this was the right thing for them. And as tears welled in her eyes she nodded and then I saw her whole body relax.

And that was enough for me. I'm sure very few people save other foster parents understand this decision but at this point I. DONT. CARE. So do us all a favor and don't tell me you think I'm crazy because I now have four kids and did not get even that many hours of sleep last night and you don't want to set me off :)

If I'm being honest

I was really anxious all weekend. My husband had driven th 19 hours to pay his last respects to his Grandmother and my niece was with me from Thursday through Sunday. Friday night my friends sent me a picture of the baby. She is adorable. And I cried.

Maybe I knew that I would not get to meet her. Maybe I knew she was meant for a different family. Maybe I was a tiny bit relieved that our world would not be thrown to the wind with another phone call telling us we were wanted.

And my niece was standing there and she just hugged me. And I really needed it because what I really wanted was my husband. Someone who wants the same thing and can soothe me and remind me of my own words that God has a plan. He does. No really, He does. I looked into my nieces eyes and told her she was too young to have all the adults in her life cry all the time and we both laughed. We headed to dinner and had a really grown up conversation about adoption and foster care.

She wanted me to explain why it was "fair" that people who couldn't take care of their children could get them back. Ahh the famous black and white judgement of the young. Not experienced enough in life to understand the many shades of grey. Then she wanted to know why we only opened our license up to 13. "What you don't like teenagers?" Of course and we love several of them including you. Which of course led to some pretty good conversation about her going to high school and my secret to staying out of trouble. (Don't hang out with those who start the trouble. Guilty by associating is still guilty.)

And when the phone didn't ring the rest of the weekend I knew it was time to let go. And when my husband and I were finally in the same house hugged him like my life depended on it. And I had a moment where I just lost my cool exterior of just going about my life. I was really sad. And though I have NEVER been the kind of person to worry about what everyone else was doing I was actually feeling slightly bothered by the fact that all of my friends that I talk to regularly are expecting. I don't know if I feel left out or left behind or if its just this continued unknown of what placements we'll get called about or if we'll ever get to try to have biologic children but I actually had a moment where through tears I expressed this to my husband.

His reaction? Actually perfect. He was the right amount understanding and reasonable. He asked me if we were in a competition he didn't know about and reminded me that I'm not usually like that. He asked me if I like our life - which of course echoed a very similar thought I had had earlier in the day while scrapbooking some pretty amazing moments in our lives. And then I felt very lucky because I have him. And somedays thats all that matters.

There is nothing quite as crushing as the weight of grief when it comes fallling down upon you. Sometimes it leaves you flattened. Unable to move, to stand up, or to keep going. Other times it propells you in directions you would not have imagined. The day before Thanksgiving at 1:30 AM I was struck with the news that my Grandma had passed. My Mother's words on the other end of the phone were clear but my brain could not understand. And in just a few minutes my world went from peaceful slumber to restless shock. For hours I sobbed not knowing how to process the ache in my heart. I was glad she was not suffering. I was angry she didn't get one last Thanksgiving with her family all together. And scared because I knew that there were many moments still to come in my life in which I would need her wisdom and I wouldn't hear it directly.

Then she hit me. Like Literally. I was digging in a trunk of pictures and scrapbooking supplies and the top of the trunk came crashing onto the back of my head. The thought "finish this for me" hitting me instantly.

Then the day before the wake I got a phone call from a friend. His cousin was in college and pregnant and had decided on adoption. Were we still interested? And as bad as it sounds the only reason we wouldn't be is because we were not sure about affording day care. I told him that yes we would like to meet her. She was having a girl and due in January. I told my husband the good news. He was upset. Why would we want to get our hopes up if we financially can't do this? And I told him I couldn't explain to him logically the reason behind it but my heart was telling me that we needed to seek this further. To not close the door until we had too. Besides she might not even like us.

Then I got a call about a job interview. And at the wake the next day my cousin came. My cousin with the adoption story. She had just been discussing taking in children during the day to supplement their income. One of my favorite Bible passages is from Matthew. Ask and you shall receive, Seek and you shall find, Knock and the door shall be opened. And it seemed like the door was being opened at least to the possibility that this child could become ours. And even though my husband does not often discuss his faith - He agreed that he felt like it was Grandma up there opening the door propelling us in a different direction. And we agreed that if we did adopt this baby we would name her after Grandma. And if God's plan is different it will at least have enabled us to hope at a time when it would be easy to be stuck in doubt and sadness.

Why I Haven't Told My Grandmothers

The term family has been on my mind a lot this week. My Aunt came in from Hawaii and my Uncle and his partner came in from Florida. they are on separate sides of the family and came in for very different reasons. My Aunt came in for a class reunion and my Uncles came in because my Grandma is very sick. My other Grandma is actually very injured and neither of them know about our plans to become foster/adopt parents.

I have lots of reasons why I've not told either of them. Since their last names start with the same letter I'll refer to them as Grandma and Gram. Perhaps the most complicated reason is my relationship with Gram. We don't really have a relationship. I've felt she favored my other cousins over my Brother and I and she wasn't a super huge part of my childhood. She also made choices on important days that I really felt were hurtful. For a while I tried very hard to form some sort of relationship with her but it was not reciprocated in the way that I needed it to be. I explored some of this with my Aunt during her visit. She's probably the one person in my family that can listen and not take offense to how others feel. She's also incredibly honest with me and I appreciate that. We have worked to form our relationship even though she lives so far away and while we might not have too much in common we both desperately want to understand our family and get to a place without tension and hurt.

A big part of Gram's personality is her tendency to brag. And generally you don't brag to the people you are bragging about so I never hear her say anything about me and ALWAYS about others. This makes me feel pretty crappy. I have a second cousin who lives near Gram who adopted a child internationally and got involved in charity work surrounding orphanages and such in the country her child is from. Through the grapevine I have heard that she is planning on adopting another child from the same country in the next few months. Now I need to state that I think what my cousin is doing is wonderful and probably sparked further interest for my husband and I to consider adoption as a way to form our family. However, I just don't feel for my family that international adoption is the way for us. Kids all over the world deserve to be taken care of and belong to loving families and I'm thankful people like my cousin can help in this effort.

To be frank - I really don't want to hear it from Gram. And that's why I don't want to tell her that we are planning on fostering to adopt. I don't want to hear how my cousin has to go back to a war torn country and live at the orphanage and how she got all the kids shoes and how what she's doing is so selfless and courageous and amazing. And that she's the perfect mother and you should call her to get advice. Now that might sound a tad bit jealous and if I'm being honest it might be a little bit as she has such a great relationship with Gram and I feel pretty rejected. Do you think my Gram knows I've helped to raise $57K for the World Vision foundation that feeds children who need it? That I've mentored teens in their faith. That I help people with cancer cope on a daily basis? No because I'm not outward with it but that doesn't mean that sometimes I don't need recognition just like everyone else especially from my family.

Now I haven't told my Grandma because she was just diagnosed with Stage IV Ovarian Cancer. And she's not dealing well and she's very sick. She's pretty much not eating and is disappearing in front of our eyes. I told my Grandpa and there was too much on his mind to process. So I'm not sure if this news would be something for Grandma to hold onto to work towards or if she would start to worry. This happened right around the time we started our PRIDE classes and I think this is also part of the reason my parents haven't said much. They are simply overwhelmed and hypothetical grandchildren are just not in their grasp at the moment. But that's life isn't it? The moment you think everything is starting to come together other things begin to fall apart. And it drives me nuts Grandma not knowing because I have all kinds of questions and conversations for her. In my heart I so very badly want all of my future children to meet her and know her like I do because she is someone very special. And she might not make it. She might not make it to Christmas. And she might and this whole living in the unknown part is really starting to aggravate me.

Spreading the Word

Dinner with my in-laws went well. Really well. After asking the initial questions of why we weren't going to have biological children (I don't think my In-Laws knew how much my neurosarcoid effects me) they wew totally excited. Their main concern was becoming attached to children who might have to go back to their biofamilies and how hard that could be.

My sister in law was really excited about possibly becoming an aunt. She told us she was proud of us and expressed her desire to do the same thing we are doing. So maybe we aren't nuts. Maybe the initial feelings of fear was just fear of taking a different path. Or it was the fear of becoming "instant" parents. LOL We were discussing the number of children (we will be licesnsed for 3) we would want to take and we never got to a answer....

We also got finger printed today and will have our medical stuff all done by next week. The finger printing process was actually pretty cool as it was all digital. And we know that our references were all sent back. Which reminds me that we need to send out some thank you gifts.

PRIDE Sessions 1&2

So we had our first PRIDE training today. It was an all day class as it consisted of 2 sessions. It was a lot to take in. I'm not sure what I was expecting. I'm trying to keep somewhat of an open mind and so I didn't have too many pre-conceived notions. I was really surprised by the diversity in the room. There were some couples older and younger, some with biological children, a few single Moms, a few with kinship situations, and one family looking to do traditional foster care and not foster care to adoption.

We talked a lot about the birth parent perspective and trying to keep that at the forefront of our minds as well as what kids feel coming into foster care. I guess I wasn't expecting to be discussing emotion - but of course that's what we are talking about that's what families are! Our instructors seem very nice and have a lot of personal knowledge as they have all been foster parents and have adopted children.

We are going to my husbands Parent's house tomorrow to tell them what we are up to. I'm not sure what the reaction will be. In the end I'm sure it will be supportive but I've never heard my Mother-in-law's opinions or experiences with adoption of foster care so I really don't know. My Father-in-law is always bugging us about babies so he might be the happier of the two but he is definitely a character and sometimes what comes out of his mouth surprises me. But we need to tell them first as we need to tell his siblings as well in order to vacation plan for the next year.

I did tell my Aunt today as we were trying to make plans and the classes conflicted. Her response was "Right On". And I didn't expect anything different from her. My Aunt is pretty laid back and is very accepting of the non-traditional.

And now comes the hard part deciding if we even want to open ourselves up to non-pre-adoptive placements. Or go with only kids who are available for adoption. And this is the hard decision I think we'll have to make. I rely on my faith for stuff like this and take the what's meant to be will be attitude and my husband does not. So we will see where this goes.

Well our first visit went well. I don't know why I was so worried. Well OK I do....My home was being judged, my competency was being judged, our ability to be good parents was being judged on a 1st impression. And I HATE that. But CW was really nice and laid back and she came in. Looked over our paperwork. Looked at the house and then told us our room was big enough for 3 kids.



And somehow in the course of an hour we redefined what we were willing to foster and it became 0-13 and any gender. As lately they have had sets of 3 siblings come into care. So now its hurry up an wait. Well that and somehow furnish a room for the unknown. Could someone please tell me how to do that? Right now we are looking for bunk beds. Is it better to buy a less expensive frame from Ikea or go all out and get a substantial set at 10 times the cost? I think we are going to go with less expensive but it feels like throwing money away. We shopped all day saturday looking at different places trying to get an idea. It is now August. We need to get something in place for October. And I'd prefer a room that wasn't thrown together. (This is something I feel about the majority of our house EXCEPT our basement which is beautiful.)

So after all of this my husband and I told my Mom about our plan. And she took it much better than I thought she would. She had some concerns mainly about the issues the children may come with but told me she understood our reasoning behind our decision. And while she wasn't over joyed about the news she wasn't negative about it either. She even confessed to wanting to adopt children from Romania at one point. I guess I've always had the dream of a big family in common with my Mom. My Mom told my Dad and his big concern was cultural differences and babysitting. We made plans to see my husbands parents next weekend. I'm not sure what they will say. My father in law has been bugging us about kids for a while so I'm hoping he'll be our champion in all of this.