If I'm Being Honest

I started this blog to document our journey but also to help others. Often times I feel stronger just by knowing someone else has been down the same path or had the same thought. The remainder of this post is brutally honest. It doesn't not mean I've stopped caring for or loving my foster children but is where I am at and I think I'll feel better if I let it out.
*************************************************
I really want to be done. I'm worn out. I'm sick. I'm tired. And if the kids are returning home I want it to be soon. Like tomorrow...Because we've worked so hard to correct and heal and redirect over the last two years that its heartbreaking to watch it all be undone in a matter of a week.

I went through the months and months of struggling with these 4 to be identified by them as their parent and it frustrates me completely to have to start over again. And I just don't want to do it. I'm not interested. I stuck through it because I thought I was helping a family. Because I was holding on to hope that these kids would be mine. And now with the world telling me the overnights are starting and the kids flip flopping daily on where they want to live I just want it over with already. Let me rip the frickin band aid off the wound and give it a chance to heal. And do it quickly because I don't want to be the superstar foster mom anymore. I don't want to soothe raging children or redirect nonsense questions or clean up pee from people who are toilet trained. I no longer want to contact 5 sets of people when a kid gets a headache at school or be the emotional target practice for a birth parent and her children.

If its over, can we just please let it be over? And soon? Because at this point I really want to focus on myself and planning my next trip to someplace where I'm not responsible for everyone and everything. And I don't need written permission to go from some person I've never met.

I am sick to death of analyzing everyone's words, actions, and behaviors. I'm tired of having to process every event or slight perceived or real. And I'm really tired of before and after visit wackiness.

Everyone says she's ready. Let her deal with it. And let me be. I just want to be - with no one and nobody to question or comment on it.