10 Questions To Ask When Considering a Foster Care Placement

I see this question very frequently in the Foster Parent Support Groups. What should I ask before agreeing to a new foster child placement?

I always feel a little tug on my heartstrings when I see that question. It reminds me about the hope and excitement we had when we started out. And then I remember we had zero time to come up with a list and it wouldn't have mattered because we weren't really given a clear picture even when we did ask the questions....sigh. Not that my pre-jaded self would have been discouraged by the truth....

So before I give you the list, here is my advice on how to approach those first few placement calls.

• Don't be rushed. The person calling will be frantic. They will tell you the child is in their office. They will need an answer ASAP. 

You are making a decision that is LIFE CHANGING. For you, your family, and the kids in care. If you don't spend the time now, it will cause issues later. And the kid who they are trying to place will likely pay the biggest price. So don't feel bad for being as thorough as possible. This is the only time you will have the power in this relationship and the only time you will have the caseworker's (if it's not an investigator) undivided attention.

• Trust your gut.

Don't say yes out of guilt. If you have a bad feeling, listen to it. If you feel you can help improve the kiddo's situation, then listen to that too.  Be honest with your ability to handle the child's needs or the demands of the case. It's ok to say no. It's better to say no if it's not a good fit, than to move a kiddo later.

• Understand who is calling you.  

Usually, calls for placements come in one of two ways. 1) Investigator - who just removed the child and is calling for placement for the first time. 2) A caseworker or agency person trying to place a child from another home, either for disruption or as a pre-adoptive placement.

An investigator isn't going to have the majority of the answers to your questions, ask anyway. The hope is that the caseworker is being truthful. I think a lot of the, time foster parents feel that caseworkers either lied or bent the truth or omitted information for fear someone won't take placement. I am on alert when someone tells me there are no "no issues" or "no trauma". So I always multiply whatever they tell me as worse than it sounds, by at least two. 

Now for the list:

1. Demographics - Child's Name, Birthday, School, County, where parents live, where child lived
2. Reason for Removal -Neglect, Abuse (physical or sexual), Domestic Violence
3. Length of time in Care, # of Moves, contact info for previous caregivers, ability to talk to them
4. Family Structure - Bio Mom, Bio Dad, Siblings, Paramores of Bios, Other siblings adopted or in care. If siblings not together, why not.
5. Case Details - CW info, their supervisor, GAL info, CASA info, Next Court Date, Service Plan, Case Goal, Agency Office
6. Visit Schedule and Transportation Responsibilities - how frequent, number of hours, more than one bio parent, sibling visits, where/when, how long have visits been set this way, who transports
7. Medical Needs - Allergies, Medications, Special Equipment, Upcoming appointments, drug exposure
8. Educational Needs - Grade, 504 Plan, IEP
9. Mental Health Needs - trauma history, sexual acting out, hospitalizations, currently in therapy, contact information for all
10. Placement Details - when would children come, what will they come with, clothing sizes, is it possible to gradually transition

What would you add? Do you keep a similar list? What would you have asked, that you didn't? I'd love to hear your thoughts below or on Facebook. 

Phone Calls

Sometime early afternoon I got a call from Caseworker #3 calling to follow up on some adoption paperwork and my email about Stella's concerns over her sister, Solana. I tried to get information about the progress that was being made in that case to help us decide if introducing her would be beneficial or long term but he was like "it's too early" "can't really say". Boo. 

A few hours later he called back. "I have some news. It looks like the foster mom is giving her 14 day notice. It's not official yet but it's very likely to happen. So you are my 1st call. Will you take the baby?"

We've gone over and over this scenario and decision. All the reasons we said no before are still true. She could go home. She will have visits my kids won't. This is a foster care case and could be years before it goes to permanency. She's 4 months old and we have 4 kids.

But...

We don't have TPR looming. The adoption is under way. And the likelihood that she will actually return home seems pretty small. The kids are worried about their sister and at least we know she is safe with us. We can prevent any further trauma in the event that she does need a permanent home, which we have already agreed to do. 

It boils down to two things- does the fear of the loss trump the fear of trying to heal the trauma?

We decided that it did not and we said we would take Solana. At least the kids will know we tried to help their sister if she does go home. And they have lost siblings before and we have reunified children also and we all survived. It will hurt and there will be fallout but that seems easier to handle than the alternative of missing Solana's 1st 2 years until the courts decide that they've given Mom enough chances for the 7th kid and she comes to us after multiple

moves. 

Now this is foster care, so it is possible that this will not happen so it's not official. But I did say that it was likely this placement would disrupt. This was a "friend" of Sheila's that only knew her a year. She has grown kids and didn't sign up for foster care. I totally understand how you could agree to "help" not realizing that this is way more than watching someone else's child. 

I was told she's fed up with bio Mom, and the state. It also sounds like the visits  used to be in the foster mom's home with her supervising and have changed to a supervising agency at Bio Mom's house. I predicted that the relationship would sour pretty quickly when she was setting boundaries. I'm sure we will get a text from Sheila about how glad she is that the siblings are together but I have a feeling she will  be pissed and pretty quickly start giving us more attitude than we already are getting. Maybe she'll remember to call her kids? 

So we are strapping in and heading back into foster care land. With a baby, which is also a little scary since we've never had one. We expect the kids to have mixed emotions. I also expect some backslide in behaviors from Smiley and Sarah. And some parentified behavior from Stella. Simon, my sweet Simon, will be great because in my sea of girls he is the anchor. 

I should mention we got calls about 6 other children today. Say a prayer for those we said no to.

Stay tuned! 

Open Bed

When we moved, our license was upped to 5 beds for children 0-18. We didn't ask for this. The licensing worker did it because of the baby and because we have the space but we had asked her not to. 

I decided to leave it because secretly I had hoped that the baby would come to live with us. Since that isn't the case, we have 1 open bed which means we are still getting placement calls. Right now the calls are coming to our home phone. Since we are rarely home, the calls are mostly messages asking us to call them back. I simply delete them. We haven't had any that we would be willing to take due to age and also we have our hands pretty full. 

Tonight I knew there was a message waiting for us when we got home as a plea had been posted in the county foster parent Facebook page.

A 3 year old Romanian girl who need a place until her Dad was able to get here tomorrow from out of state. She doesn't speak English and she needed a place until Monday in case the Dad didn't get here in time. It was 9:45pm. 

My heart broke. Could you imagine being 3 and being alone and not being able to communicate.  It was the first time I really wished we could say yes. We have a family (ticketed) event planned tomorrow that she wouldn't be able to go to and we can't cancel.

I'm so sad for her and I will be praying for her comfort tonight. 

Growth

Often times we talk about progress and growth in terms of our kids. Being able to cope with a birthday or an outing. Today I have my own progress in mind.

Yesterday was a tough day in terms of transition planning. The other family came back and said they wanted to keep the kids longer than Christmas. As their new request made it hard to give the kids a good chunk of time to adjust before school started we presented a plan that we felt was accommodating and fair to everyone.

Apparently, that was pushy of me. And it went on from there and got pretty ugly. I took the high road. I didn't take the bait of an argument. We calmly asked the case worker to make the decision and despite the fact that she still threw what I would equate to a temper tantrum, we still offered up the fair version of the plan.

Three years ago I would have been the one throwing the tantrum. I would have written this long email about how unfair this woman was being. I would have made a demand, given an ultimatum. But not now. I simply said, further contact can't improve the situation. I want to be the bigger person here and I let the  case worker handle it. 

I can't believe what perspective I gained this year. Reunifying the kids really allowed me to step back and learn what it means to our them first. Hubby and I did a great job this week of making it about the kids and not us! Yeah us!

The transport service will be bringing the kids for the weekend instead of the foster parents as originally planned. Court should be real interesting on Tuesday. 

Today is Brought To You By The Number 4

Two years ago today, I was having what I believe to be, the 2nd worst day I ever had with the Fab Four. JB was being admitted to the mental health hospital and LM had to testify at a pre-trial hearing. 

Today just may go down as one of the best days I ever have as a foster mom. I learned today that all four children will be coming to live with us by the end of the month. The foster mom of the oldest two decided it was in the kids best interest to move them now and not risk a mid-semester move. Her only request was that they get to spend Christmas with their family. 

I recognize the difficulty in making the decision she did. It's a heartbreaking thing to say: these kids need to be together and they are not meant to be mine. I know because I made a similar decision last March. I said the back and forth is insane and we have to do what is right for the kids. 

It was an act of a mother. My prayer today is for that mother. That she can find some comfort knowing she did the best she could for those kids if it wasn't in the cards for her to adopt them. And that she gave our family a really big gift, if it turns out that it is in God's plan for us to adopt them.

We felt it was best for the girls to spend Christmas with them. Coming to our family Christmas would have been overwhelming for everyone.  The next few weeks will be a flurry!

Preperation

When the Fab Four came I had no time to prepare. We were out of town when we got the call for the 1st two and had 4 hours notice for the 2nd two.

This time I'm going to have 6 weeks and potentially 6 months. We spent this week continuing to purge and re-organize. I can't believe how big the rooms look without the added furniture. And the boys bunk bed got put back up with the bedding originally bought when foster care was a big unknown. We happen to have two bunk beds set up at the moment and a spare twin bed frame in the basement. This will allow at least one more bed for when we have visitors. At some point I expect the Fab Four to spend the night and I'm going to need to put 8 kids some place!

There are three girls and one boy in this family also. The two youngest are coming to live with us and they're ages 4 (girl) and 6 (boy). I'm still not clear on the exact ages of the oldest two but they are around 7 and 8.

These kids will be moved in by Christmas. Which I am sure was my Grandma's doing up there in Heaven. I made the mistake of telling my Mom I wasn't going to decorate the house for Christmas this year. With no kids and no family or holiday party hosting to do, I didn't see the point. I said the same thing the year we got married. My Grandma wouldn't hear it. So she bought me a 2 foot pre-lit tree and a bunch of frog ornaments (story for another day). Well over time that tree was outgrown and the frog tree is now 4 feet and is one of the four trees I usually put up. (The 2 foot tree is now the Chicago themed tree). But now the kids are coming and we may be hosting family so next weekend when I have the kids by myself (while Hubby is out of town) we may start decorating.

The plan for Friday is for them to meet some family that we will see again inSaturday. We had tickets to a church function and since it can be kind of loud and full of stimulus I want to make sure they are comfortable with other people. And since we will be seeing the same people over the holidays I felt this would make the holiday less intimidating.

Here we go!

Ready, Set, Go

I was standing in the birthday card aisle at the grocery store. Hubby squeezed me with excitement. I said, "Who would have thought this would be our life seven years ago." 

We were picking out a birthday card for Maria. We had just come from meeting two of the most adorable kids I've ever laid eyes on, who I will have the good fortune of mothering. We were on our way to spend the afternoon with the kids I never thought I would see again, just six months ago. It was surreal. 

Crazy. Amazing. Beautiful. Foster Care.

We did meet all four kids and it went fairly well. We made a photo book about our family for the kids to take with them and that was a big hit. (Not a sponsored post but we did a 1 Hour book from Wal-Mart for less than $16.00. It was awesome.)

The younger kids were excited to meet us and seemed happy to spend time with us. The older two didn't spend much time with us as they were chased away from the table and told to play, but they weren't really aware of who we were or why we were there. Although I believe the boy did tell his older sister he was coming to live at our house and she would be too.

We spent Sunday rearranging furniture and purging items from the house. My parents came to help. My Mom is so excited she can hardly wait until Friday when they will come spend the weekend.

As we were putting the bunk bed back up, I remarked that I couldn't believe we were already becoming foster parents again. My soul feels ready. And I feel prepared to start to be an advocate for a new set of kids.

And oh my word are these two stinking adorable!

As It Unfolds

So after receiving one of the most passive aggressive texts, ever, I found out we will be meeting all four kids this weekend.

And the more I think about it, the more I feel like the kids should be together on the holidays. Sure we are strangers but isn't that better than not being with your siblings? I'm really torn on this. I would be pretty ticked if I were the every day care giver but if there is anything I learned this past year it is- it isn't about me. It's about the kids. And if they could be together with their potential forever family wouldn't that be best case scenario?

It will be interesting to see how this all unfolds. I didn't take the bait of the passive aggressive text. I sent a cheerful reply as I am determined to rise above. It come from a place of grief and the unknown. I get that. But it irked me anyway. Luckily, I have experience with passive aggressive personalities. I'm going to plaster on the smile and kill them with kindness. 

Repeat after me: It's about the kids.

Foster Care Land

This was an interesting weekend Foster Care-wise. Friday the caseworker called me to ask if she could share my information with the other foster families that have the kids that we agreed to take.

Lets just say the transition with these two different families is going to be very, very hard. If the initial conversations we've had are any indication. And we are all going to need lots of prayers of healing and patience. And I feel really bad for the one foster mother because she would really like to be the resource for these four kids but her family  situation prevents it. And today I really feel like she took it out on me. I'm very worried about the current plan to leave the one half of the sibling group in that home to finish the school year.

On the other hand the other family with the kids who will be transitioning to our home first said, "No I don't think they should be with us for Christmas and Thanksgiving. I think they should start making those memories with their forever family."

Talk about blown away. The goal is return home. Mom has already been involved with the system 2 times. No one seems to think these kids are going home. But I'm very concerned that the other foster mom is holding on to hope that they will somehow let the two stay with her. She's sending some very mixed signals about all of it.

I get it. I really do. But she didn't want to hear that. She was offended by the empathy I was trying to put out there. I'm already frustrated and kids aren't even living with me yet.

Did I really forget how frustrating foster care could be in only 6 months? I want to shout: I did this, with 4 kids separated, with a Mom who struggled, and the same case worker. I really am not the clueless thirty something you think I am. I am not the enemy. I know it feels like I am and if you keep this up I will be, but I'm a good foster mom just like you. And I'm really sorry you can't be these girls forever Mom but that means God has a different plan.

I know she needs time. I know she is grieving. My hope was that we could help this be easier for her, but maybe that's not possible. And maybe it isn't my responsibility either.

Meanwhile, the Fab Four couldn't have been more awesome about kids moving into their old rooms. Mr. Mohawk was so excited to learn the boy will be his age he begged for a sleepover. 

In other news we got asked to speak at PRIDE training as foster parents who have worked towards a positive relationship with a birth parent. I asked LM if she had anything she'd want to make sure the almost foster parents knew and she said,"Be understanding and prepared for everything. A tantrum can happen at any time!" 

So in 7 weeks I'm going to be a full time Mom again. And in a few days I will get to meet two of the kids. And we will have a whole slew of blog names to come up with. 

Strapped back into the roller coaster...

Busy Week

Two months ago we got a call about a sibling set of four that have the same caseworker as the Fab Four. (She really needs a blog name.) I got an email last week from the licensing worker and asked if we'd heard from the CW. Apparently the Spanish speaking foster home that was going to take all four (they have been separated two different homes for 6 months) fell through. 

So the email was circulating that the CW was looking for a place that would take all four. So our liscensing worker got in touch. And we had another discussion about taking the case.

The goal is return home. However, this is the Mom's third go round with the system. And has lost custody to at least one other child. (There is a 2 year old with a friend that isn't in the system.) that's a total of 6 kids. And a failed reunification and failed in tact services.

One of the current foster moms got in touch with me and gave me the scoop from her perspective. When the two move out of her house the other sibling of another group of kids she has will move in. And once again I bang my head against the wall. Moving two kids to a family that has said yes twice means two different groups of siblings get to be together and you are worried about finding a bi-lingual home for kids who speak English? Just makes no sense to me. (And reinforces my idea of an exchange of sorts where foster parents plan placements.) the main goal is reunification. Sibling sets need to live together in order to return home to bio parents. If Maria had had the behaviors I had when all four of the Fab Four moved in she would not have made it. 

AND in our state prior to petitioning for termination, the kids have to be in a preadoptive home. 

We will see what happens. They talked of winter break being the time to move them but the CW supervisor said something about exhausting reunification efforts prior to placing with us. My response was that we are ready to take a traditional foster placement.

In other news, I saw my Sarcoidosis specialist today. Her first words to me when she saw me were- you were in my dream a few weeks ago. Not often do you have a doctor who knows her stuff but also openly shares her faith. She recently moved to a less prestigious medical institution with a lower class population of patients and she couldn't be happier. She likened it to her "foster care work". In that, these patients really need her expertise. And here she was making a big deal about me being a foster parent when she's the person who made it possible because she worked towards getting me healthy and recognized when I needed more help.

We talked about the infertility and pregnancy risks for me. It really gave some things to think about and of course - I have a ton of testing to do. 

We leave Tuesday for Disney World and I can't wait! I so need a break and I think this trip really will be relaxing. When we went the week after the kids left, I was too numb. And while we had fun, I never really relaxed. I cried into the t-shirt I picked for Gabby in the middle of the store. It was bad.

And if you have a moment- I have a special prayer request. My friend who was a second Mom to me, is in the ICU in a coma. Please pray that she wakes up on her own this weekend. She makes the world a better place. Thank you.

Follow Up Call

Yesterday was a bad day. Tough day at work. Tough day when I got home. I had an unusual crying jag that lasted several hours. So I welcomed today which seemed to be much better.

Until 5:15 PM rolled around and my phone rang. It was the case worker from a few weeks ago who had the three kids who needed an adoptive home. And true to his word he called me back. (Which is interesting because just this morning I wondered about them.)

He told me that there was family across the country that they were working in moving them to and that the kids were going to be placed in a short term foster home a few towns away, that was willing to take all three. He told me he knew we weren't looking for a temporary placement and so he felt this was best.

It was nice that he called me back. And he has such a positive vibe to him. "It just means someone else's babies will be in your home! Great foster parents are always in demand!" 

But I was pretty deflated. Another phone call to tell me someone else was chosen. And it's a great problem to have. That means kids are finding homes. I just wish they could find their way into my home.

And I repeat: My kids are out there. They will find me.

My Prayer

All weekend I was in this beautiful place. A place I ran to when I couldn't bear the memories within the walls of my house. A place healing began for the Fab Four and their Mom. And as I laid in a hand-woven hammock and looked up at the trees and sky I prayed.

I mean really prayed. Prayed to let go. Prayed to be open. Prayed for my kids to find me.

Then at 4pm the next day I got a phone call from a case worker. He'd heard great things about my family from his supervisor. He worked with the Fab Four's case worker. Would we be interested in 3 kids who he needed to move back to Illinois as legal screening was complete and the department was going to be terminating rights.

Yes. A non-legal risk pre-adoptive placement. 2 boys and a girl ages 3,4 and 7. No abuse history. And while that does not mean no trauma, it probably means less degree of trauma than I am used to.

The only hesitation we have is that the kids are African American and we previously had not felt prepared to handle that aspect of adoption.

So I opened a door. And started to peer into our culture, our nation, myself. 

I have a lot to learn. But we decided to move forward to find out more about the kids. And as I typed those words he called me back to tell me there was some family that came forward. There would be a motion filed. Other avenues would need to be pursued. He'd call me in a few weeks when he knew more.

I had called my best friend this morning. She like me had a degree in psychology. She is always able to "hear" my heart and  provide perspective that I would give myself if I weren't "in" the situation. She happened to be on a plane waiting to take off. Not the best place to have a frank conversation about racism in America. But she did say, "You know R, God doesn't put opportunities in front of us unless he wants us to really consider them."

My response: "Funny you should say that. I prayed for my kids to come to me. It's just that God doesn't usually have someone literally call and answer your prayer."

And so I wait. Repeat the mantra- if it is meant to be, it will. Remind myself there is a big picture. And meanwhile educate myself on what a transracial family would mean. Perhaps this was meant as more of a learning g experience than anything else.

I can also rest easy that I do not have an infamous reputation with the department. The case worker reiterated that we came highly recommended and if this case does not need us, he would definitely keep my number for future use.

Need Help!

Resources about transracial adoption.

Go:

Classifieds for Placements

I got a call this evening from a case worker looking to place a 5 and 8 year old brother set. Again probably not what we were looking for (kids removed because Mom failed to adequately supervise them) and we are busy for the long weekend. But she picked me out of the list because she lives in my neighborhood. (Easy monthly visits and initial drop off.)

Which got me thinking about how much I wished I could post a foster parent classified: Committed, Experienced foster family seeking sibling set of up to 4, age range 4-10ish. Will accept Hispanic, English speaking children. Hoping for long term potential adoption placement. beat time to call 3pm. Available after 9/2. At County Line and State Line roads.

I realize there is some pleading and guilt tripping required but if we started this way wouldn't the matching process be a little more efficient and perhaps cause less disruptions? 

I said no but told her if she had a similar placement next week to put me at the top of her list.

Sibling Calls

Anonymous asked: How old were the kids and commented that we get a lot of Sibling Group calls.

The kids were 9,12 and 13. Which was out of the range we are looking to be placed with but it sounded very temporary. 

We have four open beds on our license. And can have up to 3 kids in the one room and though not ideal, we could put another in the loft if we had to. 

My understanding is that not a lot of foster homes can take more than 2 kids at a time in our area. We are only one of two foster homes in our town. 

We firmly believe kids should be kept together if possible and so we are willing to take a group of kids. A child with siblings in care in our state is considered special needs simply because those kids are harder to place together. I would hate to take one child in and then have a sibling group placed separate. That would break my heart.

That being said though, it's been suggested we take two sets of kids to increase our chances of being able to adopt. And while I understand that is math, that's also double the appointments and court dates and providers and issues to deal with.

So for now I will answer the phone and wait until my kids find me. Because they will.

4:15 AM

These all hour placement calls really bother me. And while I was annoyed that my cell phone was buzzing at 4:15 AM, I was more worried about the three kids sitting in an office somewhere that needed a home. Neither of us could take today off of work. (My Mom was already coming to wait for the delivery people for our new bed. No way I could surprise her with watching three kids as well!)

I laid awake for a good 40 minutes wondering about the kids. Praying for their Mom who was in the hospital.

There has got to be a better system than going down a list of people. Like a text alert or email blast (similar to the school district) with a link to check if the kids had been placed. And 4:15? I would imagine waiting two hours until 6:00 when some people would be getting up for work or to get kids off to school would have been more effective. 

One of these days the phone will ring and it will be a placement we can take.

Update on Pre-Adoptive Placement

So the case worker called me back. They will be pursuing the Spanish speaking foster family. What's meant to be will be.

And this also means more time to adjust to my new job and travel as planned. Just kind of a bummer....

No News

I haven't heard anything from the Caseworker (if she's going to be around for another year we must give her a blog name). She did tell me Monday she had another potential lead in a Spanish speaking foster family so that would trump us as the placement. So I guess we just wait. Meanwhile, I'm painting over the walls Mr. Mohawk ruined. Makes me a little sad.

The Scoop

So Tuesday, our Licensing worker reached out via email. Let me know they were looking for a pre-adoptive home for a sibling group of four. It's their 3rd involvement with DCFS:

Bio Mom lost custody of 2 kids to Grandma in another state.

The oldest 2 were in foster care in Illinois for a year and returned home.

Intact Family Services were put in place a period of time later, risky behavior going on so kids were removed and all 4 taken into foster care.

In April they were placed with Godparents. They had their own child and were young so 5 kids under 8 didn't work out.

The youngest two went to one foster home. The oldest two went to another and were removed from there while the foster family was being investigated.

Now it's time for the Adjudication Hearing (legal term for proving the kids need to be in care) and the state is seriously considering concurrent planning of adoption and is therefore looking for a home that would adopt all four together if given the option. They don't believe there are any other services they can give the Mom that she hasn't already had and had proven she will just return to her old ways.

This is where we come in. 

Oh and the Caseworker is the same as the Fab Four. Which was a huge hesitation for us.

So we had what I call a "Come to Jesus  Meeting". 

And even though she had no answers to my questions, I did get a follow up email. It's a good start. 

We are going into this very cautiously. Even if they can get the DCFS attorney and the States Attorney to file an expedited termination, we are still looking at a year of Foster Care. Since they can't do any of the filing without the kids in a pre-adoptive home. (Circular thinking, I know.) There are still visits. The county the case in is fairly far. There is a Bio Dad in the picture (of two of the kids) and he's about to lose visitation as he's stopped showing up.

Aside from the youngest needing speech therapy and a case of recurring lice for the oldest two - the kids are healthy. 

We've asked to meet them. DCFS offered to check with the attorneys about the strength of the termination case. We shall see. School starts August 12 but the foster families are supposed to get 14 day notice before the kids get moved so I imagine we should find out more next week.

Luckily, I'm off next week I between starting my new job. So I will be painting and arranging the rooms to at least be better prepared than last time.

Forgotten

How exhausting it is. These poor girls fell apart at bedtime. 5 trips back to bed after story time. They finally are both sleeping. They miss their Mom. It was a good experience but not sure we are ready. 

God love the dog though. He went in and slept on the end of the bed just like he used to. The fluffy protector.