Skip to main content


Showing posts from February, 2013


My email got hacked this week and I heard from lots of people. ALL of them said in some fashion- Hey! I'm here for you. And I have to say it was really lovely. ALL of them asked about the kids. And what could I say? And tUmm still in limbo. Not really sure who will be living in my house full time. In a few weeks I might fall to pieces again.

If I were really honest I would say: I shield the majority of all thats going on away from you because you wouldn't understand. Because I'm afraid it would mean that we live in such different worlds and that you will be so turned off and confused by mine that you may not ever ask again and I'm too afraid of loss right now to trigger that reaction. Even if you don't understand everything I'm going through the fact that you asked is enough for me to feel supported and loved. Which I did and I cherish. But I also don't share the entire truth because I can't carry you while I do this. I can't hold your hand and exp…

Hope Floats

Really trying very hard not to let the hope creep back in. It doesn't sound like Mom took responsibility when the kids confronted their lack of feeling safe. Only repeating that she's changed and what does she have to say for them to believe her.

Meanwhile I'm over here handling all kinds of attention seeking behavior times 4 plus the 5th grade changes in your body talk. I had to explain what a "boner" was tonight. How did I get here again?

Therapeutic Parenting

So since the kids have been here so long sometimes I forget that healing is active and sometimes it takes work. It's been a while since I really needed to pull out my therapeutic parenting tools on More than one kid in the same hour. (usually they take turns.) Maybe it's the snow. Maybe it's the fact that therapy got cancelled tonight. Maybe it's family therapy tomorrow I don't know but all the kids were wacked out.

LM was just quiet. Although in an odd moment of kindness she did the dishes for JB. I was surprised but I think she wanted to be near me while I was making dinner. Something is up there but I'm not sure what it is.

Gabby came home upset. She was complaining about her sisters and brother and just couldn't keep it together. Hubby did a nice job of taking her aside and giving her a chance to talk. She couldn't identify what was making her cry- just a bad day. We asked how we could help. She didn't know. Hubby suggested a shower "to wa…

The Odd Life

So I was going to write about how the judge on my foster kids' case just made the front page of a major newspaper because she was assigned to a high profile case (featuring the relative of a well known political family). Then we watched The Odd Life of Timothy Green.

And since BOTH Hubby and I were reduced to tears I decided to share that instead.

Caution: I may spoil some of the movie for you. Stop reading if you want to be surprised.

I didn't really know what the movie was about. The kids had wanted to see it and so we grabbed from the Redbox Rental (Redbox is my new favorite thing). Of course it starts with a loving couple trying to start their family. They are in an adoption office and begin to tell their story.

The same day as they receive the news they are out of fertility treatment options they go home an dream up their "perfect child". And they bury their ideas in a box in the garden.

Gabby asked why they were doing that. I explained it was a lot like in …


Finally! Finally, a consequence to thumbing her nose at the rules. Overnight visits got pulled this week an next. And the schedule didn't revert back to what it was before them - Friday night visits were cancelled altogether. And she had to tell them that she was losing time with them because she broke the rules.

This week and next just Wednesday and Saturday visits with pop-in supervision. And then I'm not sure. I was told she's out of chances. We'll see what the judge has to say. The judge was very clear- no visitors, transparency in what's happening at the visits.

Of course this meant a relieved Gabby, a sad LM and a scared JB. All of them seem scared about their visit and the dynamic between the kids has shifted again. None of them are getting along.

And gosh darn it of she didn't tell them about the April move date! So of course now we have to go back and make the kids understand the reasons why that is now out of the question.

Strangely, I'm feeli…

Rules Don't Apply

So the kids came home today from another 2 night overnight. Their behavior was fine but their report of the goings on at the visit was alarming. Mom violated two major rules- no one else at the visit per the court order and she took the kids to pay the bill on the emergency cell phone- she has no license and is not allowed to drive them. The worst of this was she told the kids not to tell anyone she broke the rules and discouraged them from calling the case worker.

I have to say I'm not surprised but I'm really disappointed in her choices. I don't know if she really doesn't care what the court says or if she's self sabotaging but either way I was just like 'c'mon. These are not hard rules to follow. For your kids' sake you can't keep it together? Do you have any idea what this did to them? The fact they know you totally disregarded the rules is shattering whatever trust you have built.

Worse was their anger and grieve over Mom breaking the rules. …

Visitation Post Reunification

So we had a meeting with our case worker and her supervisor tonight. We expressed our concerns- stressed that Mom needs to get on the ball with setting up doctors and therapists and issues we are seeing. (Gabby throwing up 2 Mondays in a row, LM dissociating, Jelly bean refusing to eat school lunch, MM back to having behavior issues at school.)

Ultimately, all we an do is put it out there. So then the supervisor asks us- "So if given the option what kind of visitation, if any, would you want to have with the kids?"


I guess since DCFS will be involved for a while they have away and will actually plan visits with us when the kids move home.

I was honest with her and told her I don't trust Bio Mom to follow through and wouldn't want us to loose each other twice, but of course we want to see them. She gave me an example of a situation of a foster family who didn't feel the kids would be safe returning home, had the kids for 2 years, no trust between the adults …

In Her Shoes

So I had kind of an aha moment today. In between my crying jags I thought this must be how Mom feels at times. And for like 10 minutes I felt true empathy. Then I felt anger.

Angry that she hurt kids at all. Angry that it took her so long to progress through her case plan. And angry that the big difference between her pain and mine is that she always knew that she would get to see her kids.

So I was super annoyed when she texted to talk to LM who came home with a headache. You couldn't notice when Gabby was throwing up but LM has a headache and now you're concerned was all I could think. (And I'm a chronic headache and nerve pain in my head sufferer. I am one of THE most sympathetic people when it comes to headaches.)

But my earlier empathy had me change my tune. When I got home I had LM call Mom and tell her that her head still hurt. It was my olive branch. In less than 60 days I'm going to wonder how the kids are and I'm praying to God that I'll be allow…

Life with No Kids

So the kids started their weekends of 2 overnights with Mom. From here until Spring break they will only be home Sunday, Monday, and Thursday evening. They will be here Tuesday nights but they have therapy and Wednesdays they will come home at about 8pm in time for bed.

Hubby and I celebrated Valentines day early yesterday. Going out for dinner and a movie and we are headed to a martini party tonight.

I came home from our night out yesterday to a message from LM's teacher. She didn't turn in a paper. I sent a text to Mom and ended up talking to LM via text. It broke my heart.

Today hubby and I spent a great deal of time talking about our next steps. We have come back to being able to consider foster parenting in the future. We've considered that maybe our time helping these kids is over and it's time to help new kids.

And we took a look and said, look at all the gifts we have and were given during this time. Look at all the good. But then feeling was, well then why do…

Gaining Strength

I've not written as often lately because I feel like all I'm doing is complaining. I feel like I'm depressing my readers. I'm so appreciative of the comments and support and honestly I'm not trying to break everyone's heart.

I did set out to honestly document our journey and this is definitely part of it. I honestly though the hardest part of this journey was going to be battle behaviors and trauma. I had no idea that it would take 10 times the amount of energy to prepare for it to be over. Or maybe because I know it will be over I'm allowing myself to pull out of survival mode.

I catch myself in little moments- tearing up. And I recover quickly but I feel like I need a good hard cry. On more than one occasion I've done this in my car on my way home. And then other times (like Saturday afternoon when the kids came home and needed me for the most basic things) that I want the time to pass quickly and be alone with my husband and…