Mother May I?

I took a brief break from blogging. The beginning of this year has been busy with life and I didn't have the energy to word vomit all of my feelings. I'm still stuck in a space where I resent trauma and want to pretend we aren't impacted by foster care. But that of course, is not the truth.

I have a bunch of draft blog posts that I started but I'd start to write and just get frustrated. I focused on offering my advice to local support groups and new foster parents instead.  Writing here is often one-sided and I get a high from knowing I helped someone (don't we all?). But hanging out in those public forums, is exhausting as it's a glimpse into the general public and the stunning realization that all kinds of people become foster parents, including those that shouldn't. Do you ever think- Wow that person just wrote that in a public forum, what do they think in the privacy of their own head?

I shared that Sheila took off out of state around Christmas. Well  she is back. And she brought Big Brother to live with her here. And of course now that she is back she wants a visits with Solana and the kids.

I have all kinds of feelings. It ranges from - Oh Hell no, you took off for 3 months not my problem to It's great that my kids could possibly have a relationship with their older brother, that's fantastic. Then it swings back to, oh holy Hell, now we have to decide about a teenage boy with likely the same if not more trauma if/when The Department steps in.

I'm sorry, but this is not a great situation. The Mom who had 5 kids removed from her is all of a sudden healthy enough to parent a teenager who she has barely spent any time with and just moved cross country?

We agreed to a call. And for the first time she violated a boundary I had set and it really ticked me off. Each of the kids take turns speaking with her and Big Brother. We use video chat because it’s easier to keep the kids engaged. The calls are always on speaker and I am always nearby.  In speaking with Sarah, Sheila she said I can’t wait to see you guys! Maybe we can get together this weekend and if not this weekend, next weekend.

She hadn't asked me and we were very clear when the surrender happened that any and all visits were at our discretion. The kids are the ones making plans and me now saying no - make me look the unfair one. I told her very clearly after the call that what she did wasn't okay. And then she started with my favorite response.

"I know but you have to understand....I want.....Big Brother needs....."

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Fast forward to a week later and now she wants another call.  (Because cell phones don't work out of state? Like why all of a sudden? Radio silence for 3 months.) I say she can have a call with Solana because SD said it was fine and its up to him.  And she responded with, well are the other kids going to be there? I was honest. I told her we need to take things slow with Big Brother.  That I was still upset that she violated the boundary. We set up a time for her to call Solana, the same day, 8 hours later.

And then she blew right past the time she was supposed to call, by an hour. I had rearranged my schedule to be home for the call.  Solana was asleep.  And when I told her I wasn't going to re-schedule, that she would see the kids 3 days later at a school function, she told me I was unfair, mean, using her kids against her, judging, making up the rules as I went along, and uncaring.

I said none of those things.  And I've always been really clear that I will re-schedule a missed call if she tells me before the call that she can't make it. If you are a long time reader, you may remember posts on missed calls. Here. Here. Here. Here. She gave me the same story about how her anxiety is so bad that she loses track of time and even forgets to eat.  I reiterated that she needs to be on-time for calls and if she can't be, then she shouldn't schedule them.  I also reminded her that I don't have to supervise anything.  That I do it as a favor, as visitation is at SD's discretion with no set frequency, minimum amount of time, or required calls.

I did offer to meet with her therapist to discuss this incident. To explain how her inability to consistently show up and on-time affects the kids.  But let's be serious, while she says she's seeing a therapist and taking her medication, if she took off out of state for 3 months, she likely wasn't being treated during that time. (Its highly unlikely she arranged care out of state as she didn't even bring her ID with her.)

So of course she was late a nearly missed the beginning of the school function. But the visit went fine. It was awkward with Big Brother because he is a teenager and doesn't know these kids. But everyone survived. She was cool towards me, but that was okay also because I didn't particularly care.  I am worried she is on a downward spiral and what that means for Big Brother but I can't borrow trouble.

It will be interesting to see what happens this week as we have a birthday and Mother's Day.  We've already seen the write-up for bad behavior from school from Smiley and I'm trying to decide if I wan't to attempt breakfast on Sunday or find an excuse to leave the house by myself.

The Friend Request I Never Thought I Would Accept

In researching foster care I came across a lot of discussion about biological families and Facebook. It seemed to be both a blessing and a curse. A great way to share information and keep a connection but also a major source of drama and inappropriate boundaries.

Lots of people set up private Facebook groups just for their particular situation. A way to securely share photos and monitor exchange of information. Some had great relationships that led to co-parenting and continuity for the kids.

I thought these people were crazy. How could you get to a place of such giving when the system puts you on opposing sides?

While I was often frustrated and angry at the things the Fab Four's Mom, Maria, did, I learned to move on and did the unthinkable - accepted her friend request on Facebook.

I genuinely count her as a friend. She has been gracious in allowing me to see her kids and I want to make sure they succeed. I also don't want to lose them in the world and since we have no common circles it would be easy to do if she lost my number or got a new phone.

Here's hoping we cultivate the positive, good boundary, co-parenting relationship.

I Hugged My Kids' Mom Today

Yep.I.Actually.Did.

It wasn't an easy morning and about 5 minutes after I hugged her I was in tears in my car.  Sometimes the emotions are just overwhelming.

We sat in this meeting and agreed to attempt to co-parent.  Ahh. co-parenting the en vogue trend in foster care and divorced couples. In our state if you file for divorce you have to go to a co-parenting class.  They don't exactly have a class like this in foster care. We have training on how to work as part of a team and the idea of working to help the family is drilled into your head but there is no "How to Co-parent With Your Foster Kid's Mother" class. There is no class for the birth parent where they get told "let the foster family help you that's their job".  In fact, the system is set up to pit both sides against the other.  Foster parents are charged with protecting and advocating, and birth parents are fighting to get their kids back. Then they throw something at you like co-parenting and you are like "What the heck?" I'm supposed to be supportive but that doesn't mean I'm going to be working on the plan too. I have enough on my plate.

And this is where it gets tough.  Having to rise above and live out what you say you are doing:

The best thing for the kids.

And this means different things to different people.  Is it best for them to be in a stable home with a big support system and resources to meet all of their needs? Or is it better to stay with their biological family, immersed in a beautiful culture and never question why their Mother couldn't parent them?

What if they can have both?

And then someone says to you - Can you help the kids not feel so divided and work with their Mom?

What are you going to say?

Its one of those moments in life where you are tested.  Are you really the person you like to think you are? Are you really a hypocrite? Do you really mean your response to people who tell you how lucky the kids are that you are really the lucky one? Can you put your own fears aside? Can you go do something that makes you really uncomfortable? Can you treat others how you wish to be treated?

And there it was. All on the table.  Do you love these kids so much that you can be the adult, the parent, the Mom? Can you do what you have accused her of not doing?

Our answer was yes.  We can help the kids. We can do the best for them.  We will do what is right. 

Its a hard concept to grasp and I'm sure we are all going to stumble.  We have to build a relationship of trust and understanding.  Its not going to be easy.  In fact I'm sure its going to be really hard.  At times it is going to suck. Alot. But if it means that I don't have to live my life wondering where my kids are and if they are OK then I will do it.  If it means I can have peace for the kids and they grow up knowing that while really terrible things happened some really good things happened too, it will be worth the discomfort. 

And while I made the commitment I'm still really scared.  And maybe I should be a little scared.  Maybe it will allow me to take things slower and let them come to me rather than my usual technique of push, push, push. 

I learned today that I am a Mom.  And that she is a Mom.  And that there should be room for both of us.  And I made that commitment to our kids today. And she did too.  That deserved a hug.

That's the Story of Love

I've always been a fan of Bette Midler.  The Rose is one of my favorite songs. And her version of In My Life beats the Beatles hands down in my opinion. I've even seen her twice in concert. My Hubby played hooky worked from home today so I got to take his car which has an IPod jack in it.  I was feeling kind of down.  I think Friday's court date had a lot to do with it. As much as I help my kids process and deal with emotion I also sometimes need some space to do that too.  As the Mom you don't often get the chance to rage and cry to let it all out.  And since I listen to raging and crying on a daily basis sometimes I'm jealous that I don't get to do the same. My kids have not seen their Mother in over a week and had three appointments with her cancelled last week. 

So listening to this song on my iPod this morning on my way to work I sang my HEART OUT.


You've got to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

As long as there's the two of us,
we've got the world and all it's charms.
And when the world is through with us,
we've got each other's arms.

You've got to win a little, lose a little,
yes, and always have the blues a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

And like most things it made me think of my kids.  How we have good and bad and that its all part of this madness called life.  Sometimes you have to let things go and "roll by".  That the world sometimes doesn't care and sometimes all you have left are eachother. (Like when judges think kids vomitting each time they see their Mother should continue visiting said Mother.)

This reminder of what love takes was especially important tonight as Jelly Bean struggled big time with her reading homework.  Trauma Brain took over before she even got started. "I'm never going to finish.  The book is too big.  My teacher gave me too many books to read. I am stupid.  I'm never going to be able to get my chores done." She was ok for a while as she sat within 5 feet of me while I was making dinner.  Gabby was having an off night and so she was needing homework assistance - and Little Mama is actually still up doing homework as I type this at 11:15 PM because she has no idea how to take a main idea, give examples and tie together with a concluding sentence. We've been working on this assignment for 2 hours.  Did you know the rulers of the Han Dynasty allowed art and scholarship to flourish and created a Chinese Dictionary? Now you know.But I digress.....

Jelly Bean started to escalate her behavior.  When I looked over and saw the ugly cry face I knew it was going ot get rough.

 "Jelly Bean if you need a break  you can go up to your room until you are ready to work"

"Noooo. (Gets up - Stomp stomp stomp up the staris as crying and screamining begins.) I'm soo stupid. I HATE this family."

In my head I'm going ok not just about homework.  This is also about family.

"You need to try that agian." (We don't allow stomping and screaming up the stairs. If you are dismissed to your room you may go and cry and scream in there but you will not stomp up the stairs.)

"Oh my GOOOSHHSHHSH" as she comes down the stairs quietly and goes back up quietly.  Then the wailing begins.

Now please believe me when I tell you my 8 year old sounds like a baby crying that can't be soothed. An up in the middle of the night I need to be fed/have a fever/colic cry that does not stop.  She went a good 15 minutes before I heard, "Mommy...help me.....Mommy..."

Tomorrow (meaning in 30 minutes) will be one year that Jelly Bean and Mr. Mohawk have lived here.  We made the mistake (yes I said mistake) of telling her last week this factoid.  Why is it a mistake? Well because even though I find joy in this milestone she find pain.  Because even though I'm happy we are a family she is not.  She is concerned we will move her too.  She is worried her mother won't get her back.  She feels safe and this is super scary to a kid used to operating in choas (although I would consider our lives quite choatic it is nowhere near the level she lived in).

I went up the stairs and found her lying in her bed.  I called to her softly.  I looked at her with soft eyes.  I stretched out my hand.  "Jelly Bean, honey, Mommy is here.  Come to me. Let me pick you up." She cowered in the corner of the bed. I was able to get my arms under her arm pits and lift her up like a toddler.  I pulled her into my lap and rocked her agianst my chest like a baby.  She almost instantly calmed and quieted.  I murmered. You are loved. You are safe over and over.  Hubby came in and gently asked her what was wrong.

"I miss my Mom.  I miss my Uncle.  I talked about my Uncle with Mr. Social Worker at lunch today.  He had us draw something that makes us sad.  I drew my Uncle's grave."

Today I saw it coming.  Today I was able to keep calm because she needed me to do that.  I was able to keep at it with Little Mama for almost 2 hours.  And recognize in the process how far we've come since the begining of the school year.

And now in an up date to this post the family therapist emailed back today.  Sorry for the confusion about the email address.  It is unethical to discuss clients conditions over email (Um I work with 3 other therapists and a case worker who ask me to email updates about how everyone is doing and you've thanked me for all the emails I've sent you but ok.).  I think everyone wants to help this family and this mission will be best served if everyone sticks to their roles.

1. I didn't discuss specific conditions - I said setting these appointmenst with this conflict is going to cause backlash.  You want to walk into a session with 3 angry kids who once agian got jipped in the fun, normal activity department be my guest.  Personally, I'd want the heads up.
2. What role are you playing? You told the kids to lie to me.
3. What do you think my role is.  Oh thats right I'm just the foster parent.  I mean nothing.  I'm just supposed to handle all the appointments, tears, anger, sadness, anxiety, hospitalizations, changes to our schedule, Mom's new work schedules and sit back and put a smile on my face as if everything is peachy.  I'm supposed to support reunification and Mom and apparently that means turning a blind eye to all of the issues like everyone else.   Sorry I didn't go to that training class.  I went to the one where I was told I was supposed to work as part of a team to help a family but first and foremost I am to 1) advocate for my foster kids 2) keep them safe.

Too darn bad if you aren't used to working with foster parents like me.  It makes me so sad that the way we approach this is the exception rather than the rule.  I think the fact that we have all 4 of the kids and nearly for a year, and they have flourished in our home should speak for itself.  I'm not a total idiot.  I'm in tune to them.  I know their hurts and issues inside and out.  I see the problems from different angles and I am willing to try whatever might work to help them heal.  If you aren't part of the solution  you're part of the problem.  I have enough problems....If you can't be a part of this particular Team and how it works then you can be excused.

Plan Ahead

I'm a planner by nature. Not so much that I had a strict timeline of needing to be married by 27 or having my second child at 32 but enough that I think to figure out what tasks I need to handle and what I'm going to cook for dinner. This week I'm trying to plan for next week and to be completely honest I'm scared. Not because it's Halloween but because my husband is going out of town. For a week. And it will be me and the kids....for a whole week.....by ourselves.

They ate me alive last week while it was just the 5 of us. I was crabby, tired, and angry. I'm determined lot to be this way this time around. I anticipated that any task will be hard so I'm working to get everything that could be an issue out of the way. Costume shopping for the girls was completed tonight. If they couldn't handle it on Sunday after their visit and with my husband home there was no way they could this Sunday. I also had to give up celebrating my Mother in laws birthday because a family dinner an hour away at 7pm on Sunday was going to leave me with cranky kids Monday morning. Not to mention the car ride fighting that could happen in 2 hours.

And all the grocery shopping will be done Saturday while they are at their visit so I can cook Sunday and have meals ready for the week. I feel just a little bit stronger and a little bit wiser. Perhaps I've learned something in the the last few months. Sometimes a SuperMom just knows when her cape is going to make her fall and stays on the ground.