A Night Out On the Town

My parents took the kids Saturday night for what will likely be their last sleepover, since overnights with Bio Mom start next weekend. Hubby and I headed to Chicago for a mini-getaway. We celebrated a friend's birthday at a sushi fusion restaurant and then headed to another bar for a night of cocktails and conversion.  The birthday girl asked for two words to describe how we were feeling. Mine were relaxed and happy. And they couldn't have been truer. I was dressed up. I had on new heels and a fabulous dress that made me feel sexy and by some stroke of luck, I was able to apply faux eyelashes and make them stick for the evening. I had an afternoon of primping, a new haircut and color and a husband who voluntarily wore dress shoes. (Hubby is a T-shirt, jeans, sneakers kind of guy.)

It was the first time all week that I didn't feel like someone was going to come at me with another problem. From the moment I rose to the moment I fell asleep last week I was trouble shooting and triaging and man did it suck the life out of me. But there I was in this really nice restaurant with cool lighting and funky serving platters having grown up conversation.And you know what? If I'm going to have to give up motherhood for a while I want more of what I had Saturday night.

The drive into the city also gave Hubby and I a chance to talk about all that was going on. When we started this journey in July of 2010 we were not in a great place in our marriage. In fact, we were very close to calling it quits because we were so unhappy (like we need to go to marriage counseling because I can contest a divorce filing if we don't). But through this process of becoming parents (times 4 and to very challenging children) we somehow became stronger as a couple. The best part is that BOTH of us recognize this. And when Hubby verbalized this in the car, it felt great to hear. Our communication has improved tremendously. We realize that we really are in it for the long haul. And we've gotten to a place where both of us can recognize when the other needs to have some space and/or support. Our communication got 100% better. And so I know that as we head into the next chapter that we'll be ok. As long as we are in it together we'll be just fine.

I have to admit, I'm looking forward to some more time just the two of us.  We didn't appreciate that time together when we had it. We had no idea what we would feel like we missed out on. And we recognize that with the next placement or other children that we need to make that time a priority. With the overnights starting, we will have Friday nights free.  And we will be planning our next vacation just the two of us - which is a bit unusual but something both of us have said is important. 



 

Father's Day

I am writing this post on my new iphone. It makes me excited to be able to blog more frequently. Perhaps you are wondering how the permanency hearing went. The goal stayed return home in 12 months. A review hearing was set for three months to see how family therapy is going. (Currently the girls therapists are trying to stop therapy until Mom can admit responsibility and stop using the time for the kids to feel sorry for her and sharing with them that their Grandma was raped....Don't even get me started on it...wrong on so many different levels.)

So we celebrated Fathers Day with breakfast and handmade cards. It was nice to see the kids so excited. And before we get the day started with a BBQ at my parents house I just wanted to take a minute to acknowledge my husband.

I love him more today than I did when I married him. I didn't think it was possible. He is a fantastic Dad. He does dishes and laundry and takes time to explain how things work. He works hard to provide for us and pays the bills. He is fun and silly and he makes us all laugh. So on this first fathers day my prayer was that he gets to have lots more days where he gets to be a Daddy.

MOM

I haven't written a lot lately mainly because we are so busy. But I couldn't let my 1st Mother's Day pass without an entry.

First, I want to take a moment to honor my own Mom. While she wasn't our #1 cheerleader when we began this journey she has been the quarterback as of late. When she found out the older girls were moving into our house she dropped everything and came over. She took the next two weekends to come help us get organized and has formed special relationships with each of the kids. She is a Grandma in the best possible way and I love her more for her big heart than ever. (and she took us for pedicures which was awesome!)

I was missing my own Grandma and I admit that I cried to myself in the shower. I always imagined my first Mother's Day with my Grandma. Opening a special gift from her while she did this little smile/shrug she used to do. I hope I'm making her proud.

My kids and my husband made me VERY PROUD this past weekend. I was treated to a beautiful card lots of pictures as well as a new diamond anniversary band and breakfast in bed. Even more amazing he bought a ring for my MOM too.

The kids had a rough morning which I suspect had something to do with missing their MOM. They have had a couple of rough weeks regarding visits and I think they felt unsure about a lot of things. We've had relatives at visits that were not alllowed, being sent home 45 minutes early, being told they were moving to Mexico when they get returned home, and the kicker being told that if they don't learn to behave they will not be able to move back in with her. (Thankfully we are now bringing in a stricter supervisor who might actually be able to give us a clear picture of what is going on.)

I felt sad for them that they were missing their Mom. I felt sad for their Mom too. Here I was being spoiled rotten and she was by herself. But I really enjoyed being a Mom on Mother's Day. They awesome kids gave me something I don't know if/when I'll have the chance to have agian.

If I'm being honest

I was really anxious all weekend. My husband had driven th 19 hours to pay his last respects to his Grandmother and my niece was with me from Thursday through Sunday. Friday night my friends sent me a picture of the baby. She is adorable. And I cried.

Maybe I knew that I would not get to meet her. Maybe I knew she was meant for a different family. Maybe I was a tiny bit relieved that our world would not be thrown to the wind with another phone call telling us we were wanted.

And my niece was standing there and she just hugged me. And I really needed it because what I really wanted was my husband. Someone who wants the same thing and can soothe me and remind me of my own words that God has a plan. He does. No really, He does. I looked into my nieces eyes and told her she was too young to have all the adults in her life cry all the time and we both laughed. We headed to dinner and had a really grown up conversation about adoption and foster care.

She wanted me to explain why it was "fair" that people who couldn't take care of their children could get them back. Ahh the famous black and white judgement of the young. Not experienced enough in life to understand the many shades of grey. Then she wanted to know why we only opened our license up to 13. "What you don't like teenagers?" Of course and we love several of them including you. Which of course led to some pretty good conversation about her going to high school and my secret to staying out of trouble. (Don't hang out with those who start the trouble. Guilty by associating is still guilty.)

And when the phone didn't ring the rest of the weekend I knew it was time to let go. And when my husband and I were finally in the same house hugged him like my life depended on it. And I had a moment where I just lost my cool exterior of just going about my life. I was really sad. And though I have NEVER been the kind of person to worry about what everyone else was doing I was actually feeling slightly bothered by the fact that all of my friends that I talk to regularly are expecting. I don't know if I feel left out or left behind or if its just this continued unknown of what placements we'll get called about or if we'll ever get to try to have biologic children but I actually had a moment where through tears I expressed this to my husband.

His reaction? Actually perfect. He was the right amount understanding and reasonable. He asked me if we were in a competition he didn't know about and reminded me that I'm not usually like that. He asked me if I like our life - which of course echoed a very similar thought I had had earlier in the day while scrapbooking some pretty amazing moments in our lives. And then I felt very lucky because I have him. And somedays thats all that matters.