10 Questions To Ask When Considering a Foster Care Placement

I see this question very frequently in the Foster Parent Support Groups. What should I ask before agreeing to a new foster child placement?

I always feel a little tug on my heartstrings when I see that question. It reminds me about the hope and excitement we had when we started out. And then I remember we had zero time to come up with a list and it wouldn't have mattered because we weren't really given a clear picture even when we did ask the questions....sigh. Not that my pre-jaded self would have been discouraged by the truth....

So before I give you the list, here is my advice on how to approach those first few placement calls.

• Don't be rushed. The person calling will be frantic. They will tell you the child is in their office. They will need an answer ASAP. 

You are making a decision that is LIFE CHANGING. For you, your family, and the kids in care. If you don't spend the time now, it will cause issues later. And the kid who they are trying to place will likely pay the biggest price. So don't feel bad for being as thorough as possible. This is the only time you will have the power in this relationship and the only time you will have the caseworker's (if it's not an investigator) undivided attention.

• Trust your gut.

Don't say yes out of guilt. If you have a bad feeling, listen to it. If you feel you can help improve the kiddo's situation, then listen to that too.  Be honest with your ability to handle the child's needs or the demands of the case. It's ok to say no. It's better to say no if it's not a good fit, than to move a kiddo later.

• Understand who is calling you.  

Usually, calls for placements come in one of two ways. 1) Investigator - who just removed the child and is calling for placement for the first time. 2) A caseworker or agency person trying to place a child from another home, either for disruption or as a pre-adoptive placement.

An investigator isn't going to have the majority of the answers to your questions, ask anyway. The hope is that the caseworker is being truthful. I think a lot of the, time foster parents feel that caseworkers either lied or bent the truth or omitted information for fear someone won't take placement. I am on alert when someone tells me there are no "no issues" or "no trauma". So I always multiply whatever they tell me as worse than it sounds, by at least two. 

Now for the list:

1. Demographics - Child's Name, Birthday, School, County, where parents live, where child lived
2. Reason for Removal -Neglect, Abuse (physical or sexual), Domestic Violence
3. Length of time in Care, # of Moves, contact info for previous caregivers, ability to talk to them
4. Family Structure - Bio Mom, Bio Dad, Siblings, Paramores of Bios, Other siblings adopted or in care. If siblings not together, why not.
5. Case Details - CW info, their supervisor, GAL info, CASA info, Next Court Date, Service Plan, Case Goal, Agency Office
6. Visit Schedule and Transportation Responsibilities - how frequent, number of hours, more than one bio parent, sibling visits, where/when, how long have visits been set this way, who transports
7. Medical Needs - Allergies, Medications, Special Equipment, Upcoming appointments, drug exposure
8. Educational Needs - Grade, 504 Plan, IEP
9. Mental Health Needs - trauma history, sexual acting out, hospitalizations, currently in therapy, contact information for all
10. Placement Details - when would children come, what will they come with, clothing sizes, is it possible to gradually transition

What would you add? Do you keep a similar list? What would you have asked, that you didn't? I'd love to hear your thoughts below or on Facebook. 

Happiest Place on Earth....

Unless you have a sister in foster care who is about to be reunified and will no longer be allowed to live with you.  That's the status of our trip for Simon. Last night he came and found me requesting a hug. About 5 minutes later he came and told me he was really sad. Did I mention we are in Disney World? For the last week? After getting off a Disney cruise? All he should be worrying about is what time the fireworks start and if he can have more cotton candy. Instead, this crappy thing is about to happen in two weeks and it scares the crap out of him. Brings my sweet boy to tears. In Disney World  It broke my heart. I'm trying to focus on the fun and the memories. Trying to memorize all of the fun things and adorableness that is Solana (she literally waves her arms around to every song and shouts "Mimi!!!" When she see Mickey or Minnie. She also learned the words No and yes this week and I swear to God she said "Hello Simon" this morning. I tried to snap some extra pictures of just him and her today and give him a little more time with her. He was sitting next to me when she fell asleep on the Haunted Mansion ride.

I've texted her Dad every day and he recently friended me on Facebook so he has seen all my posts and pictures. He said he missed her but knows that she's having fun and that was all that mattered.

I have to admit though, I cried during the beginning of the Wishes fireworks. There was something about finally being there with my forever children listening to the song "A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes" while also holding a snugly baby who calls me "mama" who will never remember living with us or this trip that caused the dam of tears to break. We are having such a fun time but the thought that this time is so finite, is never far away. A Dream and a nightmare.

Meanwhile, people are asking me for the kids' Christmas Lists and I just want to answer that all they want is to keep their baby sister in our home. I have zero desire to celebrate Thanksgiving next week.And feel crabby about having to Christmas shop.

Mom Will It Take This Long To Adopt Solana?

That was the question Stella posed to me tonight. It broke my heart to have to remind her the goal is return home.

I reiterated we are keeping Solana safe, for as long as she needs. 

"But you would adopt her right?"

Yes, of course. That's what we hope because she is your sister and part of this family but that is just as true no matter where she lives.

I was honest with the kids that both Sheila and Bio Dad are complying with the case plan (although Dad missed a visit this week). And I promised we would keep building relationships so that if she does go home we can still see her. 

Such a a hard thing for my kiddos. And a sad thing that they understand adoption takes years.

Trying to take my own advice and not worry about the future. Whatever will be, will be.

Dear Well Meaning Staff Member

Dear Well Meaning Staff Member,

I am so very glad you are there to look after my kiddos during the lunch hour. Their teachers need the break and so do the kids. I am also glad you know my children well enough to know that they have siblings in the same school. However, next time you think one of my children doesn't have on a warm enough coat, please come to me. Or her teacher, or the principal. Whatever you do, please don't ask her sister if she has a warm enough coat.

Since you are paying attention you probably know that they receive the free lunch program. So maybe you assumed that we were needy, which would explain why you thought the coat you deemed inappropriate for today's mild weather might be her only one. My children receive the free lunch because they are in foster care and under the state and federal programs they are entitled to this benefit. The same as they are entitled to medical care.

Not that I owe anyone an explanation about why my kids take advantage of something they are rightfully entitled to, but we do the free lunch because it makes our mornings run smoother. Four school aged kids is a lot of work and the free lunch is less about the cost and more about the convenience. Now that might seem unfair to those that need the financial help, but my time is stretched thin organizing visits, therapy, caseworker and licensing worker visits, GAL discussions, and CASA meetings. Not to mention court and team meetings in addition to my responsibilities as a mother to four school aged kids who all have homework every night who also works a full time job and goes to grad school. We also welcomed an infant into our household so while this is something we could absolutely pay for, the time savings it proves is a great help to me as the person trying to give them the childhood they did not have before they met me.

Your concerned question to my daughter about her sister, while well intentioned, was actually hurtful to my kid. While she couldn't conjure up a specific memory, somewhere in her mind she knew that a not warm enough coat would raise the alarm. She knows this because she was, in fact, removed from her biological mother's care because of such neglectful behavior. 

You couldn't have known that. I only learned of it while pouring through the redacted documents sent to me to piece together the life of my children so I could finalize the decision to adopt them. But she was removed for that circumstance and your comment and concern to her made her feel unsafe. She worried all day that someone would call the hotline and she would be removed from me. Because that did happen to her.

We have spent the last two years working very hard to reassure her she was safe and finally in her forever home. We have been promising her that THIS Mom (and Dad) would take care of her after nearly a dozen different "Moms" had been placed in her life. You unraveled some of her stability today and I would ask that next time you are concerned about a child's home life, you discuss it with an adult and not another child. 

That being said, thank you for caring about my kid. I have often wondered where all the people were in their life that they went for so long without being noticed. I pray that if there are children in crisis in the school, that you pick up on it and raise the alarm through proper channels. And while we did have to do some repairs of today's exchange, it did give us a chance to praise her for sharing her worry. A few months ago she would not have, spending her days worrying and nights having nightmares.

For the record, her sister does have a warmer coat. In fact, she has two. She also has snow pants and boots and generally wears gloves, a hat, and a scarf in case you were wondering.

Sincerely,

Foster Mom R

What's the longest river?

Answer: Denial.

It's ok. You can chuckle. Forgive the slap happy humor of a Momma with 4 sick kiddos who is sick herself.

But denial is where Sheila is living. I sent Solana with her visit bag and the notebook today and she wrote nothing and sent nothing back. She made a bunch of noise to the driver/supervisor about her stuffy nose and how she wonders if we have pets because Sheila herself has pet allergies.

When the daycare relayed this message I actually laughed. Um her other kids have been talking about our dog for 2 years. She bought the dog treats previously. She knows we have a dog. It's not dog allergies, it a cold. A cold that 4 other people in the house have.

I shared this with Caseworker #4 and he was like, the previous home had dogs and there is nothing in her medical records that indicates she has allergies.

I'm not surprised by Sheila's lack of response to our reaching out to communicate. But it is still disappointing. You still want the Bio parents to show up because all kids deserve that.

And Then There Were Five

After the last 48/72 hours (my brain is fried and I have completely lost my ability to do math, which was pretty shakey before...) I feel like I officially earned my Foster Mom stripes. I got the call about 11:30am Thursday that she was coming that afternoon. I was a ball of nerves. My Mom dissolved into tears. Hubby had already made plans for that evening and since we were about to take on a 5th child I told him not to cancel. 

And it was Caseworker #4 who was handling all this, not #3 as I stated in my last post. So Caseworker #4 called and was like "So can you take her today? Foster Mom is not happy and I'm heading over there to remove her now."

He had paperwork to do and they had at least a 45 minute drive so I told him just to call when he was like 30 minutes away and I would leave work. At about 2 pm he said he would be at the house about 4:30pm.

Somehow I managed to finish a large chunk of my work. I had purposely worn a "career" outfit to help me feel like less of a basket case. I knew that I would have to find daycare but left that task to Friday so that I could focus and then planned to work from home the next day.

I left at 4pm and picked up the kids who were all- why are we getting picked up so early? I got them into the car and told them the news and they cheered and jumped up and down making the mini van look like it had hydrolics. We drove home to meet my Mom and then about 15 minutes later Caseworker #4 and Solana arrived.

I handled the paperwork with CW #4 while Grandma and the kids played with the baby who did not fuss once. #4 shared a little more info on the case including Sheila's admission to using marijuana "once" while pregnant. He shared that the Foster Mom had really been attached to Solana and that the relationship with Sheila soured and the incident that made her call to threaten to have her moved wasn't even about the baby. Apparently the Department met Friday morning and made a staffing decision that she was to come here and when he called her back she tried to withdrawal the notice. That of course does not fly with the Department when they have a sibling home lined up. So they told her no, she gave her notice and she hung up the phone on them. They got no info from her about Solana's schedule and she came with only a small bag with some summer outfits and 2 fall outfits. I did get a bag with a can of formula, a bottle, some diapers and wipes, and a blanket. We also can use the car seat until we get our own.

We finished up the paperwork and then I left to do a Target run and grab dinner for the kids. My Mom had gone earlier and gotten some Dreft, wipes, baby shampoo and lotion, and diaper cream plus some clothes. We had been told she was 4 months so she bought 3-6 outfits. However, my little Solana is a porker and the 6 month clothes were too snug so most of that stuff had to go back.

I didn't want to buy too much at Target because my sister in laws were already on top of hooking us up. My one sister works for a major retailer and her friend is the buyer for the baby department. So she mentioned she was getting her 5th foster niece and the woman just started throwing stuff in a box. The box was coming after I went to Target but we ended up getting crib sheets, blankets, bottles, rattles, onesies, toys, pacifiers, a shopping cart cover, booties, and a nice diaper bag. It's probably the closest thing we will ever get to a baby shower! My other sister in law who is a pediatric NICU nurse and has a 1 year old and another due this spring gave me a list of essentials and told me we could have the Rock N Play and Jumparoo and that she would pull some clothes too. She also texted me periodically to check up on us as she works 3rd shift.  We went last night to pick that stuff up and we actually had to go back through the clothes because most won't fit Solana, who weighs almost the same as my nearly 1 1/2 year old niece! In fact, I picked her up and she felt lighter! (It was comical because her pregnancy brain and my sleep deprived one could not keep the keep or put back piles straight!)

By the time I got to Target, I was shaking from the emotions. I was feeling very overwhelmed because- you know, I know NOTHING about babies. It finally hit me that we became a family of 7 and I was feeling sad for my new kiddo who was caught in the pettiness between "adults" which I have no patience for. Oh and I was hungry. 

At Target they had a few Pack and Plays and I picked the standard/middle option. It doesn't play music or vibrate but it did have a bassinet/changing table. I also grabbed some swaddler blankets, pacifier clips, wipes and diapers. And by some miracle also remembered that we needed cereal. I had a 20% off coupon but it did not start until the next day so when I got to the register I asked if they would do the price adjustment if I came back with my receipt after explaining why I couldn't wait to get the crib tomorrow and the manager took pity on my frazzled state and gave the 20% to me early. I picked up food for the kids and by the time I got back my sister in law was arriving with the box of awesome. She helped me put the pack and play together and I got the baby laundry started. 

Friday was kind of a blur. She woke up at 5:30 am and decided she did not want to go back to sleep so we got up and I started working. I managed to get a lot of stuff done and my boss emailed me about how the baby was doing, twice! I am feeling very blessed for the flexibility I have. I sourced a bouncer chair and a nice changing table from the local Facebook Garage sale website and was able to pick that up Friday. My Grandma had stopped by and since Solana fell asleep in her lap I was able to go pick those up and grab the kids while she watched her. We hung out as a family Friday night and then I went to take a little cat nap in anticipation of being up all night. 

Hubby came up to our room with her to make sure he changed her diaper correctly and he was singing this ridiculous song about "Daddy's little turkey" and in that moment I fell in love with him all over again. He worked 7 days this week so when he offered to get up with her, I told him to sleep. She and I actually slept in the living room last night but she slept for 6 hours so that may not be necessary tonight. 

We will get an equipment reimbursement but only from Burlington Coat Factory. I ventured out there yesterday with the girls while Simon was at a birthday party and their selection was lackluster. But we were able to get a Boopy pillow, a changing pad, a bather chair, and a stroller and car seat system. I'm going to see if the other store nearby has a better selection. It's just hard to do that with kids in tow.

I will say this, my kids have been awesome. And my ability to be patient has grown overnight. I'm giving them a little extra space for feelings and I've been very calm and so far we are handling this pretty well. Sarah is especially attentive of her sister and had opted to play with her when she had the choice to do something else. Simon seems the most standoffish but he also is coming down with a cold so it could just be that. Stella has not turned into the little mother and that has been awesome and little miss Smiley has been excited to hold her and was trying to get me to buy out the baby clothes section at the store "Mom! I have to show you this! This is so cute!". If anything, the jealousy has come from the dog who is not impressed by the baby in his room. 

Thank you all for your kind words, support, advice and prayers. Keep it coming, please! Because this is, of course, foster care. I have yet to hear from Sheila who I'm sure is not pleased that Solana is here. CW#4 said he told her she was being moved but he didn't think she heard him say that it was to our house. I then had to explain to him that I'm sure she heard you. That's an act she does when she doesn't want to believe something. She pulled the same thing when they told her she wasn't making progress and then walked out of the meeting. He looked flabbergasted. I do believe he wants Solana here forever. He did tell me that he pushed back some on the legal screening and because her Bio Dad has never had any involvement with the Department, they have to give him a chance. So far both parents are in compliance with their case but its really early yet. 

And then there are the questions from the kids that only foster mothers get asked. 

"Mom? If my Mom couldn't take care of all of us then why did she choose to have  another baby?" Stella wanted to know at lunch. 

I told her that was a good question and one that I'm sure a lot of people have asked and one I don't have an answer for.

 

Phone Calls

Sometime early afternoon I got a call from Caseworker #3 calling to follow up on some adoption paperwork and my email about Stella's concerns over her sister, Solana. I tried to get information about the progress that was being made in that case to help us decide if introducing her would be beneficial or long term but he was like "it's too early" "can't really say". Boo. 

A few hours later he called back. "I have some news. It looks like the foster mom is giving her 14 day notice. It's not official yet but it's very likely to happen. So you are my 1st call. Will you take the baby?"

We've gone over and over this scenario and decision. All the reasons we said no before are still true. She could go home. She will have visits my kids won't. This is a foster care case and could be years before it goes to permanency. She's 4 months old and we have 4 kids.

But...

We don't have TPR looming. The adoption is under way. And the likelihood that she will actually return home seems pretty small. The kids are worried about their sister and at least we know she is safe with us. We can prevent any further trauma in the event that she does need a permanent home, which we have already agreed to do. 

It boils down to two things- does the fear of the loss trump the fear of trying to heal the trauma?

We decided that it did not and we said we would take Solana. At least the kids will know we tried to help their sister if she does go home. And they have lost siblings before and we have reunified children also and we all survived. It will hurt and there will be fallout but that seems easier to handle than the alternative of missing Solana's 1st 2 years until the courts decide that they've given Mom enough chances for the 7th kid and she comes to us after multiple

moves. 

Now this is foster care, so it is possible that this will not happen so it's not official. But I did say that it was likely this placement would disrupt. This was a "friend" of Sheila's that only knew her a year. She has grown kids and didn't sign up for foster care. I totally understand how you could agree to "help" not realizing that this is way more than watching someone else's child. 

I was told she's fed up with bio Mom, and the state. It also sounds like the visits  used to be in the foster mom's home with her supervising and have changed to a supervising agency at Bio Mom's house. I predicted that the relationship would sour pretty quickly when she was setting boundaries. I'm sure we will get a text from Sheila about how glad she is that the siblings are together but I have a feeling she will  be pissed and pretty quickly start giving us more attitude than we already are getting. Maybe she'll remember to call her kids? 

So we are strapping in and heading back into foster care land. With a baby, which is also a little scary since we've never had one. We expect the kids to have mixed emotions. I also expect some backslide in behaviors from Smiley and Sarah. And some parentified behavior from Stella. Simon, my sweet Simon, will be great because in my sea of girls he is the anchor. 

I should mention we got calls about 6 other children today. Say a prayer for those we said no to.

Stay tuned! 

I Said Screw the Secret Santa

Every year my family does a Secret Santa. We usually set the limit at $20-25 and each of the adults picks another's name. We have a smallish family so we usually end up with someone we are already buying for (like my sibling) or the same person year after year. It often ends up like a gift card exchange and there have been years that people forgot who they picked and someone got left out (no fun). Since we have an ultra competitive family, a gift swap would be hazardous.

The past few years the Secret Santa felt more like a chore. And I thought maybe we could put our money to better use. I suggested we screw the Secret Santa and pick a cause! 

We decided to do a Sweet Case drive with Together We Rise, a great organization that supports kids in foster care by providing bicycles, wish lists, and trips to Disneyland. They also provide Sweet Cases, or duffle bags filled with goodies for kids in foster care so they don't have to travel with trash bags. And as a super fun element, they encourage you to decorate the bags so that each one is unique!

What could be better than family craft time? (It sure beats the disgusting Jelly Bean game we played last Christmas that caused my cousin and I to throw up. Moldy Cheese flavor is not pleasant.)

When I made the suggestion my family jumped on board. Each adult is going to donate the $25 for their Sweet Case to donate but we are trying to fundraise 5 additional so each of the kids can make one too. If you are interested in making a donation please either PM me through Facebook or send an email to 

rloveisastateofmind(at)yahoo.com.

If you can't donate now, please think about donating to one of their campaigns in the future. This organization directly supports the kids and has a special passion for teens and siblings. 

Foster Care Land

I've had foster care on the brain the better part of this week. I know, I know- "well duh!? You ARE a foster mom." 

Some days that fact barely registers. With no visits I can sometimes get away with "forgetting" that we are in this weird limbo place where we are a family but not quite legally. We handle school, work, dinner, and bedtime. Rinse. Repeat. At least on days where trauma doesn't rear its ugly head....

I've missed the Fab Four tremendously this week. I found out that Solana's (baby sister) bio dad accepted a plea deal and got out jail. So I'm wondering about the case plan and visits. Sheila texted me and I read another book by Ashley Rhodes-Courter, Three More Words. It's the sequel to her memoir about growing up in foster care. In this book, she shares her experience as a foster parent navigating the system and also incorporating her biological family into her life. 

I feel so helpless to help the other 400,000 kids in foster care. While I realize being the foster mom to the 8 I've had in my home has been critical to their lives- what about the rest? There aren't enough foster homes, let alone, quality foster homes. The court system is bound by regulations and not common sense and I'm just totally frustrated by it all. I'm sure a lot of this has to do with Solana because I can't help but worry about her.

How do we change it? How do we make it so we help the kids and families that need it efficiently, and expeditiously, with quality? How do we move the kids through to permanency who have no hope of reunification without the additional traumas? How do we stop them from getting hurt in the first place?

How do we get the states with the most asinine rules to reform? After reading about stuff happening in New York, Florida, and Texas, Illinois almost looks like it has its act together. 

And I feel sad for all the kids and families living in this alternate universe of foster care. The rest of the world going about their business while families in crisis scramble for peace. 

Listening Circle, My Foot

I received an email yesterday (10/9) with an invitation to "join the rapid response team to give valuable feedback" about how better to serve Foster Parents. The "listening circles" as they are being called are scheduled for 10/14 from 9-11 or 11-2.

I shot back an email to the person who sent me the invite- "it would be great if there were times when working foster parents could attend."

Seriously, on top of all the time off I have had to take off for court and ACRs not to mention umm mothering 4 kids who could easily eat up a week of vacation because the share all their germs with each other....now I'm supposed to take a 1/2 day to participate in "a listening circle" with 5 days notice? Seriously who has all this free time? And I need like 2 weeks notice for meetings like this- I need to dig my sit-upon I wove in girls scouts out of storage.

 I desperately want to give feed back but this is just silly. Makes me think this is one of those - we offered you a chance but made it impossible for you to attend scenarios. 

You want to help foster parents- make these meetings meaningful. Give us an actual chance at providing you with some great ideas. I have a long held believe that foster parents and their resourcefulness could solve a lot of the problems in "the system" if given a chance. But I can't do that if you schedule meetings 1) at the same time my children have to be dropped at school and I have to be at work or 2) in the middle of the day at an office nowhere near mine. Have one in the evening and when I say evening I mean like 7 PM not 4:30pm because that doesn't solve my problem. Oh and have child care there. You have all of these extra drivers and visit supervisors, pretend I'm a bio parent and give me some extra help. (A little mean spirited but the gazillion chances and the exceptionally high standard I'm held too are making me kind of salty.)

I'm going to email the organizer anyway. You know in my free time....

Annie

God love my brother and sister-in-law.  I say "hey lets take 8 kids who call us Mom and Dad and one of their biological mothers to see the refresh of the movie Annie and get pizza afterward" and they show up. It was another one of my crazy "hope for the best" moments that could have exploded. It ended up being a really amazing day! 

Some would question taking 8 current and former foster kids to see a movie about an orphan (in the refresh Annie is a foster child). In fact, the following question was posed on Facebook somewhere (I honestly can't remember if it was a Foster Care support page or a foundation): Should "Foster Kids" go see the movie Annie?  I think it was a valid question but one of the comments really stuck with me.  It was something to the effect of why do you have to label the kids as foster kids? They are kids. So what if they are in foster care. I think I finally landed on why the comment bugged me so much.

Similar to ethnic, racial, and sexual orientation labels, the labels of foster care and adoption are often times attached to other people's emotional reactions and experiences. Should the labels matter? In a perfect world no. But to ignore those categories and experiences that go along with being black, woman, adoptee, gay, etc. is to continue to assign them a negative connotation and to dismiss the negative and positive feelings that individuals with those attributes have. I don't believe its healthy to pretend that everyone's experiences are the same because they aren't. 

My children are foster kids. That is a fact. Does it make them less than other kids? No. Could other people think that? Sure. They would be wrong, but sure. My job as their Mom is to break that stigma while protecting their privacy and their right to tell their own story. Are there instances where I wouldn't share their history? Absolutely, but I will always do my best to make sure they never feel shame about being foster children. But that doesn't mean I ignore it.

Being aware starts by being thoughtful of movies, tv, books, and music that might trigger feelings of shame or unnecessary sadness and worry. My "foster kids" have PTSD. It entirely probable that seeing a movie that included domestic violence would send at least one of my kids into a full blown panic attack. My "foster kids" were neglected.  A movie about a child being left behind might be really hard for them to watch even if it is a beloved Christmas classic. 

So I'll say it again, I need to be thoughtful about what my "foster children" are exposed to. And here is how I arrived at the decision to take all 8 of my "foster children" (and Maria) to see Annie.

1) The story is about creating a unique family despite hardship.

2)They really wanted to see it.  It wasn't being forced on them. 

3) The reviews did not mention violence.

4) It might give them something to identify with in terms of feelings and experience of the main character. Here was a little girl wish and hoping her parents would find her. They don't see others have their same experience often.

Overall I was happy we went to see it. There were some references to addiction by Ms. Hannigan (the foster mom) and there was a line that made me cringe in the song "Hard Knock Life" that went "no one cares for you one bit, when you're a foster kid" (different from the original musical lyrics). But other than that it was a pretty safe movie from a foster parent perspective. 

The kids all really liked it and even asked me to download some of the music.  We then had a really nice lunch where all 8 of the kids sat and chatted and played happily together. (Well mostly, Jelly Bean tried really hard to garner additional attention but we managed to keep the attitude down to a minimum.)

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago I had no idea that all of these people were on the planet and now they make up the center of my world. My "foster kids" rock and if they didn't have that label my life would be so empty.

 

Grief Too Big For My Little Guy

I've written about grief a lot in the past year.  Heck, I've written about grief pretty much the entire time this blog has existed. I still struggle to understand the best ways to cope and heal from it.  Currently, I am grappling with how to help my kids do the same thing.  It totally sucks. 

Everyone outside of Foster Care Land wants to paint this picture of foster care as beautiful and giving.  Yes, it is a good thing to have people who want to help kids and families.  Yes, those families are special. Yes, there is a tremendous need.  But the truth is that the day in and day out of foster care is messy and full of loss and its tough, tough stuff to deal with. And that's how it feels to be the adult in the situation.

Imagine being six. And really worried that everyone is going to forget you.  You watch everyone around you for signs that they are going to cut and run.  You wait for them to sit you down and tell you you're moving or your visit is cancelled. You wait for the scary noises that happened when you were little that cause you to jump.  You wait for the sounds of objects breaking.  You hope that this time when you tell the mom in the house you are hurt, she makes you feel better, heck you just hope she pays attention to you.

Then you have a really great day. You get to have a party at school wearing a costume that makes you feel amazing.  And your Foster Mom comes to the parade like she said she would.  And you get to go trick or treating with your Foster Dad and he makes sure you are safe in the street.  And everyone laughs. You feel so comfortable you fall asleep on the couch right next to Foster Dad.  Foster Mom comes to wake you up and help you up to your bed. And its really dark and you don't know where you are and suddenly, you don't want this mom next to you.  You want your Mommy. Not this Mom. 

And so you start to sob. And your words get stuck. And your Foster Mom looks desperately into your eyes asking you what is making you cry and you have no idea.  And the words won't come. And its dark. And the pain comes from nowhere.  And she's saying something about being safe and knows this must be hard but you don't understand.  Its confusing because you just feel sad and it hurts your heart so very much. And the tears spill over your cheeks. And you don't want to hurt Foster Mom because she is nice and helps you but you miss your Mommy. And you cry and cry while Foster Mom holds you and kisses your head until you fall asleep.

That's what foster care looks like this week.  Messy. Painful. Hard.

Simon, at six, is learning to grieve a giant loss that he will experience over and over throughout his lifetime.  This part is not beautiful. This part is awful and if I could absorb his pain I would.

 

Gabby Turns 12

Today was a momentous day. It was Gabby's 12th birthday party. And we got to be there. I remember sitting across from Maria at JB's IEP meeting last year and her asking me to be at the kids' birthdays. And today we completed a years worth of birthdays.

It might make the other guests raise an eye brow or two at my broken Spanish. It might seem strange that their family members call me Mom but its our normal and I wouldn't change it. I never thought we would get here but here we are. Nearly a year later and still going strong.

The kids played together. MM asked if Simon could stay. They giggled. I got home made tamales and chile rellano. We watched as Gabby's face was smashed in her cake. LM was full of sarcastic comments and eye rolling and JB had a few meltdowns. But we helped her get over them.

After the birthday party, we left with the Quartet and headed to a St. Patrick's Day party. We spent time with family and friends of the family who have known me since I was a little girl. One of them said, "watching the other kids go must have been hard but I imagine what you are doing is very rewarding". I actually thanked her for saying the right thing. No angel talk. No poor kids. No isn't that hard. I feel like taking her words and handing them out to people like business cards. Here- this is what you should say to foster parents when you meet them.

There was a guy running for congress there shaking hands. My Dad mentioned I was a foster parent. I told him to think of the beautiful kids he just met when he gets elected and votes to cut funding for social service money to our state. Maybe it wasn't the nicest introduction but it was honest.

We ended the night dancing up a storm. We had such fun! When we got home Simon asked me the same questions Jelly Bean asked me when we got home the 1st year we took her to this party: Will I get to go to the party next year? Will I still be living here?

Foster care, never far from their thoughts.

I told him if I had to guess, that yes he would still be living here. And if not, maybe his Mom would let him come. 

Waste of Time

In the months that we had no children living with us, I did not use my planner once. Not once. Any appointments I had we're easily put in my phone. Why? Because there were hardly any. One universal truth of foster care is that there are tons of appointments. 

Bio Mom Visits

Bio Dad Visits (maybe more than one depending on if there are multiple children)

Case Worker Visits

CASA Worker Visits

Administrative Case Review (ACR)

Court

Family Meetings 

Training

Then you add services such as therapy (possible multiple kinds), school, and doctor visits (well child, dental, vision). And that's if no one is sick. Fortunately, we don't have to transport to everything (although I believe it's unacceptable to use transport to medical and therapy visits).  

Needless to say, I've been faithfully been carrying my MomAgenda everywhere again. (This is not a sponsored post. I love this planner and while the initial purchase might be pricey, the refills are reasonable.)

Our full schedule had been shaken up with visit day changes and we have to add therapy in to the mix. 

Willow found a place close by that takes the medical card. So we go. Sarah and Stella and I meet with the therapist. I vacillated between not likening her at all and appreciating her ability to connect with the girls. I stood up for myself when my comfort level about the questions she was asking in front of the kids was on red alert. And then she explained confidentiality to the kids and stated that if a judge required her to, she would have to share their secrets. She then looked at me and said,"which I always encourage parents to leave me out of because then your child will never trust another therapist again".

Um, big problem here lady. This is an active foster care case. Reports to the judge are required. I need your documentation to help get these kids permanency. Turns out the office doesn't take active foster care cases due to the "burdensome reporting". 

It's not Willow's fault. She said who she was when she called. The intake coordinator didn't know. But I've been waiting weeks to get in to this office and now it's back to square one. 

I'm hoping this works in my favor. The judge is not going to be happy at the permanency hearing if the case plan states therapy is a service and the kids have no therapist. My traveling therapists are willing to come back but DCFS won't approve the travel. They my have to make an exception if another provider isn't located.

Loss

This week brought another sad situation to the kids. The former foster mom of Sarah and Stella cancelled her visit with them and asked to no longer have contact with the kids.

I'm totally heart broken for them as when they figure it out, they will be devastated. We aren't going to tell them exactly what was said but the kids are perceptive and they are going to realize that the calls and visits aren't happening.

The day before she cancelled she was requesting an extended visit for the weekend they were schedule to see her. I'm not sure how you jump from "I want to have them two nights" to "I don't want to see or talk to them any further". 

I really believe this was more about her inability to put her emotions aside and her stance that she and I had a "personality conflict" than it was about her reasoning that the visit was going to be too hard on the kids. (Because even if it was hard on them, then you modify the visits or contact not cut it off entirely.) 

She couldn't handle the idea that we got to make decisions about what worked for the kids and our family. She couldn't forgive herself for saying no to having the children in her home. And I was not willing to continue being her emotional punching bag. She asked for two nights with the kids and we had plans so we said no. This response was like an adult sized tantrum! Foster Mom R is being mean to me. She's not my friend any more.

Now I get it is really, really, hard stuff when kids leave. But I know several foster moms who would give their left arm to be given the opportunity to have any kind of contact with their former kids even if it meant they had to put up with a foster mom they didn't care for. (And while I can be direct, I am not an ogre. How is it I managed to befriend the other foster mom in this case as well as the Fab Four's former foster family and Maria? Because I'm actually nice! Oh and they don't blame me for their situations...) I also get that maybe some more time or space was warranted to grieve. You have to speak up if that's the case.

But no. She bailed. Walked out of their life because it was too hard for her. I can't wrap my head around a foster parent stating that they love the children and want what's in their best interest and their conclusion is to disappear from their lives without another word. Not even a goodbye.

There is no love lost on my end because she made my life difficult and brought tons of drama. If I had met this person outside of Foster Care Land I would not have had a second conversation with her. I was willing and attempted to make it work for the kids' sake. So what if she aggravated me or hurt my feelings! I am the adult. I shoulder that for the kids because that is my job.

 We will now add her name to a long list of people who promised the kids that they would be different and broke that promise. And that sucks. Foster care sucks.

Exhausted

We are in the thick of the hardest part of being a foster parent. Dealing with the system. Make up visits, missed calls from Mom, finding therapists and doctors.

I actually forgot we had a rescheduled appointment tonight until one of the kids reminded me. (I'm not back in the habit of carting my MomAgenda everywhere yet.) and while talking to the therapist who came to our home tonight the kids let the dog out of his crate and he helped himself to my hamburger on the table.

I'm daunted by the task at hand today. I know how much good we can do. I know how much the kids need us to do this good. I just want to call a time out.

I hopped over to an online retail store tonight to look for inspiration. A search of books and foster care, left me even more depressed about how much overhaul the system needs. It should be this hard to get what the kids need, what our family needs. I actually had to point the transportation company contracted by the state to the state safety belt laws today. 

Banging my head against the wall.

Today is Brought To You By The Number 4

Two years ago today, I was having what I believe to be, the 2nd worst day I ever had with the Fab Four. JB was being admitted to the mental health hospital and LM had to testify at a pre-trial hearing. 

Today just may go down as one of the best days I ever have as a foster mom. I learned today that all four children will be coming to live with us by the end of the month. The foster mom of the oldest two decided it was in the kids best interest to move them now and not risk a mid-semester move. Her only request was that they get to spend Christmas with their family. 

I recognize the difficulty in making the decision she did. It's a heartbreaking thing to say: these kids need to be together and they are not meant to be mine. I know because I made a similar decision last March. I said the back and forth is insane and we have to do what is right for the kids. 

It was an act of a mother. My prayer today is for that mother. That she can find some comfort knowing she did the best she could for those kids if it wasn't in the cards for her to adopt them. And that she gave our family a really big gift, if it turns out that it is in God's plan for us to adopt them.

We felt it was best for the girls to spend Christmas with them. Coming to our family Christmas would have been overwhelming for everyone.  The next few weeks will be a flurry!

A Very Good Day

Here was the order:

Little Mama, Simon, Mr. Mohawk, Gabby, Smiley, Jelly Bean, Maria, Me, and Hubby. All nine of us at the movie theater. It might have taken two cars and three booster seats to get us there but we went. And even though all six kids were seated next to each other, no issues.

I missed the initial meeting but I guess all the kids were excited to meet each other.   It was another of our "either this is brilliant  or this a spectacularly stupid" ideas. Brilliant was the consensus.

After the movie we went to lunch. Split an egg nog milkshake between us girls and then headed back to hang out at our house. 

If you had told me last year that in 364 days I would have driven 40 minutes to pick up the gang, happily paid for a movie and lunch and then invited everyone back to hang out at the house and eventually end up watching the Blackhawks game with us nine plus my parents, I would have told you, you were out of your Ever. Lovin. Mind.

I was blissfully happy today. Everyone was smiling. Laughing. Giggling. Playing nicely. Maria felt so comfortable she actually fell asleep on our couch. (Everyone falls asleep on it. It is the black hole of couches.) 

After dropping the Fab Four off I came in to check on Simon and Smiley. Simon was still awake. He was laying there smiling. He told me the reason he was smiling was today was a really fun day.

Yes it was. This is the part where foster care doesn't suck. Moments and days like today when kids get to have fun. Where parenting is a joy. When the system really puts back together a family and they become successful. When the adults decide to let the kids be the focus and something great becomes of it.

I'm sure to the people who came across us today we looked like an odd group. We got a few stares when we walked in with six kids. Go ahead and stare. This is what true love looks like. 

Media Part I

Have any of you seen the online commentary about the Brooke Mueller/Charlie Sheen DCFS case? 

Take away the celebrity and it seems based in the media reports this is a pretty common DCFS case. Divorced parents, both with addiction and domestic violence histories, a concerned relative caregiver who has other siblings of the kids in care living in their home. 

Seems Mom is having issues getting clean. System isn't allowing the foster caregiver to get the supports she needed she gives notice. 

Could you imagine if you were the foster parent who got the call to take Charlie Sheen's kids?

What strikes me as most interesting is the commentary from the public. The outrage. The total misunderstanding about the timelines. The complete bafflement that an ex-wife would take in her daughter's half brothers. The disbelief about a phoney hotline call against the foster parent. A birth parent not taking active interest in their case plan? Doing just enough to get visits but not enough to get custody. The automatic outcry for termination of parental rights.

People! This is a front row seat for how foster care can suck at times. How frustrating and messy it looks from the seat of a foster parent. Trust me, the vast  majority of people would take in loosely related children needed you to. And they would do so until it became too hard to keep the other kids in their home safe.

How about you take the energy flaming the Sheen family and spread the outrage to your local DCFS office, legislation, and create change. The status quo can only stay in place until enough people decide its no longer acceptable. And we need you to get involved. Us foster parents would love to do more of that, but we are too busy caring for children and dealing with the system....

Next post on Media: the recent attention called to the increase in DCFS involved child deaths in Illinois.

Hey Grief! Haven't Seen You In A While

I forget sometimes that I am still grieving. And it whacks me it of nowhere.

Hey Foster Mom R! Haven't made you cry in a bit. I think today would be a great day to remind you that you are no longer a mom, have no real prospects at becoming one, and oh yeah foster care sucks.

 A friend of mine lost her foster children of more than 2 years this week. I watched in horror and heartbreak as the Facebook updates came in after court. And unlike the Fab Four, there is no birth mother who has earned custody back. There is no hope that she will get to keep quality contact with them. They left the same day within hours of the court decision with no transition.

My blood boils that we live in a world with a court system that seems to consistently fail children. That chooses to create more heartache where there is already so much. That asks strangers to lend a hand and then walks all over them, time after time.

And I found myself sad. Bummed out. And then I arrived home tonight to an empty house. And I instantly burst into tears. There it was. The grief. Watching as another Mom was being dragged down the same awful path. Feeling helpless about the amount of hurt her family will endure. And then I realized I'm not done hurting. And I had no idea that I could be so deeply affected by someone else's pain. It still really hurts that the kids went home. And its ok to admit it. Man, do I miss being a mom. And if I'm being perfectly honest, I am so scared I won't be a permanent one, EVER. Because at the moment I don't want to volunteer to be crushed by the Foster Care System again.

Its just a bad day. I know that. I know that its one step at a time. And I just never expected it to be so hard. I'm confronted with just how badly I want children. And how hopeless that dream seems at the moment. I'm not even sure if its the Fab Four I'm grieving for. Perhaps its my fertility. Perhaps its that it seems so darn hard to get to the end goal. Maybe its all of the above.

Authors Note - Should my friend decide she wants to be a part of this post I will link to her website. But at the moment I won't ask because she has enough going on and it is her story to tell.

UPDATE 9/29/13 - Cherub Mama has given permission to link. Please see her comment below.