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Showing posts from January, 2017

The Last Night

I didn't hurry home. I had gone to a wake with my Mom and Grandpa and we met my Dad for dinner afterwards. It was a local place from my childhood and I was safely ensconced in the people on this planet who have loved me the longest. We sat and talked about a lot of nothing. My Mom's new obsession with LuLaRoe, bowling with Simon, what we will do for the Super Bowl next weekend. My Dad drove me back to their house to get my car and we talked about vacation plans for this summer. It was mundane. It was normal. It was avoidance.
I arrived home to find that Solana was asleep already. Even though I was avoiding it, I was instantly sad. Hubby said she had just gone down and was probably still up but when I knelt beside her crib, she was sound asleep. I missed rocking her to sleep on the last night she was "ours". 
I spent a few minutes there on the floor, next to her crib, silently crying. I can't explain why this seems so incredibly sad. She'll be back this weeke…

When the Doorbell Rings

Just when I think I'm going to run out of stuff to Blog about, the Universe comes in and goes "NOPE".

I'm sorry to bum everyone out with my grief posts. It's the way I process all of the feelings so that I can go back to my every day responsibilities of mothering my family.  I purge it here and then I can muster up the composure for my kids.... who seem to be doing okay by the way.  When I mentioned the new schedule will be pretty close to how it will be after Solana officially leaves Sarah responded "oh, well then I don't care that she is moving because this is fine." She clarified that she does care, but it's not this big thing that they were worried about and that she would disappear from our lives like her other family. Solana left for her visit earlier this week and for the 3rd time when the doorbell rang she immediately started to cry, and we weren't even one the 1st floor of the house with our coat on waiting. It was heartbreaking.

I…

January 1, 2017 - A Letter to Solana

Dear Solana,

Today you and I had time just by ourselves.  Just you and I.  Its such a rare occurrence given that I'm the Mom in a house with 5 kids, a Dad and a dog. This was more than our 15 minutes alone in the car together where you either fall asleep or scream your head off.  We played. We ate lunch together. We snuggled. And I got to whisper to you "I love you" over and over again. I told you how smart you are. I told you that I was proud to be your "Mama" and you pointed to me and repeated "Mama" and then I said "Solana" and you pointed to yourself. And then you gave me a kiss and squealed in delight. And inhaled your sent, the baby detergent and the fine curls on your neck and I tried to burn the memory of how you felt in my arms deep into my brain.

This New Years Day marks time for us.  Time that will fly by. A blip in your life, really, but likely a turning point in mine. In 30 days you will officially cease to be my responsibility…