Hey Grief! Haven't Seen You In A While

I forget sometimes that I am still grieving. And it whacks me it of nowhere.

Hey Foster Mom R! Haven't made you cry in a bit. I think today would be a great day to remind you that you are no longer a mom, have no real prospects at becoming one, and oh yeah foster care sucks.

 A friend of mine lost her foster children of more than 2 years this week. I watched in horror and heartbreak as the Facebook updates came in after court. And unlike the Fab Four, there is no birth mother who has earned custody back. There is no hope that she will get to keep quality contact with them. They left the same day within hours of the court decision with no transition.

My blood boils that we live in a world with a court system that seems to consistently fail children. That chooses to create more heartache where there is already so much. That asks strangers to lend a hand and then walks all over them, time after time.

And I found myself sad. Bummed out. And then I arrived home tonight to an empty house. And I instantly burst into tears. There it was. The grief. Watching as another Mom was being dragged down the same awful path. Feeling helpless about the amount of hurt her family will endure. And then I realized I'm not done hurting. And I had no idea that I could be so deeply affected by someone else's pain. It still really hurts that the kids went home. And its ok to admit it. Man, do I miss being a mom. And if I'm being perfectly honest, I am so scared I won't be a permanent one, EVER. Because at the moment I don't want to volunteer to be crushed by the Foster Care System again.

Its just a bad day. I know that. I know that its one step at a time. And I just never expected it to be so hard. I'm confronted with just how badly I want children. And how hopeless that dream seems at the moment. I'm not even sure if its the Fab Four I'm grieving for. Perhaps its my fertility. Perhaps its that it seems so darn hard to get to the end goal. Maybe its all of the above.

Authors Note - Should my friend decide she wants to be a part of this post I will link to her website. But at the moment I won't ask because she has enough going on and it is her story to tell.

UPDATE 9/29/13 - Cherub Mama has given permission to link. Please see her comment below.

 

For Good

This evening took place a few weeks ago. I delayed posting so that I could link some things but also because I felt it was too sad for the week leading up to Thanksgiving.

So clearly, I'm in a sad place. I was also PMSing in the last week so I was probably more weepy than I am the rest of the month... Maybe.... I cried at Gabby's musical this week so that probably counts as weepy. Both my Mom and Dad teared up too, so I blame my genetics.

The kids performed several Broadway songs. Singing in the Rain, You Can't Stop the Beat, 76 Trombones. Then they got to a song from Wicked. The intro to the song talked about performing in a Broadway show and it being life changing. I performed in show on Chicago's Broadway when I was a freshman in high school and it did, indeed, change my life.  I had no idea how much the song coming at me was going to hit my heart, or I may have tuned out some of the lyrics.

They performed For Good.



I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/w/wicked-lyrics/for-good-lyrics.html )

I tried so hard to keep it together. I thought I was going to bite through my lip. But as I was sitting across the gym from my sweet Gabby, watching as she sang her little heart out, I just couldn't keep the tears in.

And when this verse came up I was sobbing. I mean full on, fat tears, rolling down my cheeks.

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Yeah. Pretty much sums up where we are right now.  The fear of never seeing them again. Knowing how much we've changed each other. Feeling so much love for them. They are my story....

My Mom reached over to grab my hand. Jelly Bean and Little Mama were asking my Dad why I was crying. Then he listened to the words and began to cry. (Let me say that my Dad can get emotional and he used to do it in public quite often.) So the kids thought it was pretty funny. Gabby saw me from across the room.

I stewed for a bit. Stung by how unfair it seemed that the other parents in the room were not wondering if they would ever see their kids again. I only briefly wondered if anyone I knew could see me and then I decided that if they did, I didn't care.  This is hard. Really, really hard. And if someone wants to think less of me - they can go right ahead. Five minutes of our story and I guarantee I'd be getting the "I don't know how you do it, you must be a saint speech". (And these days my response to that is "I'm not sure either, guess we'll find out if I can do it".)

Then they sang Seasons of Love which I wrote a post on here and I thought I was going to need someone to carry me out of there.

 I'm really trying to get out of this funk. To focus on the good. Because there is so much of it. And so much happiness in our home (when the trauma decides to give me a break). And this may well be our last Christmas with the kids and I want it to be special. Full of laughter and wonder. I want the kids to learn from me that you can deal with the bad, turn the stumbling block into a stepping stone, and find the good. Even if the situation appears to suck. Those are the moments that change us for the better. I have to remember that if I'm not there as they journey through life that the lessons I have taught them are there.....for good. 

My Own Trigger

I have a few posts on pause because I deemed them simply too sad for the week of Thanksgiving. Wednesday morning as I dropped the kids off and still couldn't shake the urge to cry I realized that perhaps, I was experiencing my own trauma anniversary. Which makes sense. My Grandma passed the day before Thanksgiving two years ago and I miss her terribly.

Today is the actual anniversary date and I'm handling it fairly well. I think for me the day before Thanksgiving is my trigger. I was a mess. I volunteered to make the turkey at her house and spend the night to keep my grandfather company. And as I was opening every drawer in her kitchen, trying to familiarize myself with the location of everything, I prayed that I could recall the lessons she taught me about her secret to amazing stuffing. Then I had to laugh because at 31 it was really the first time I was allowed in the kitchen while cooking was going on and no one was telling me to move.

It did a little introspection. I checked in with my emotions and feelings and I think the one I'm feeling the most is anger.  I'm angry that I'm still grieving. I'm angry that I'm preparing myself to grieve more when the kids go home. I was even angry at mass on Thanksgiving. A couple got up to talk about what they were grateful for and the spoke about adoption. The thanked God for giving them the means to adopt internationally, then have biological children, and now are bring another child home through adoption. Then I was angry at myself for being angry that God was seemingly providing for them and not me.

And I'm letting the little things make me angry. Like the fact that the kids Mom wasn't home on Wednesday when they kids showed up for the visit. And that after 30 minutes of driving around her town they brought the kids back to daycare ( 45 minutes each way) and then picked them up ten minutes later when they finally got a hold of her and drove them back to her house. I'm angry about her new iPhone 5 (because I'm sorry if the court changes your permanency goal just so you can qualify for a housing grant I don't think that means you should be out buying the latest technology in smart phones). I'm angry that she bought Little Mama very expensive fashion sneakers when Mr. Mohawk and Jelly Bean actually need every day shoes. I'm angry that I'm being judgemental and petty. I'm angry that the kids are still having nightmares and wetting the bed and throwing up on days they see her and I'm angry that it doesn't matter.

So I did what I do best when I get angry -  I cleaned. I organized. I shampooed my carpets. Then I got a little creative and painted the kids' Christmas ornaments. Because sometimes I just need to get crafty.

If I'm working through the stages of grief, I believe bargaining is next.

Hear my Heart

Lord, please help me? Please give me the strength to keep going. To  remain patient. To stop yelling. To be calm. Help me figure out how not to be frustrated by homework and projects and socks on the floor.  To ignore the bickering.

I would love to have this knot in my neck go away. And the fear in my stomach to disappear. Because as tired and sad as I sometimes am, the thought of not having those feelings is worse. Way worse. How long can we hold out? How long can we all carry on like this? In limbo. In wait and see. In permission and appointments and visits. And behaviors after visits and cancelled appointments. In between court dates and case reviews and updates.In asking others if, how, when we can live our life.

When CAN we live our life? When CAN we know if they can plan for next year? If we can plan for next year, next time. Someday.  Have we made a difference? Can we make a difference. Is it enough? Should there be more?

I am enough. I have to be.

 

Positive Sticks

A few weeks ago we were Jelly Bean's therapist's office. She had these positive thought cards and angel prayer cards that the kids really liked.  I loved the idea of having something tangible they could grab to think about.  I made a mental note to find something along the lines of the cards and forgot about them.  That was until my Pintrest addition kicked in and I saw all of these cute DIY activities for kids with popsicle sticks like writing consequences or chores or activities on them. Really its amazing what people can create with popsicle sticks! 

And Positive Sticks became my Saturday night craft project.  There is a little bit of a double meaning because positive thoughts do stick.  Jelly Bean told me Friday how proud of herself she was because she finished all her homework at day care all week! That moment was made possible by a year of positive praise at every turn.

Materials Needed:
Permanent Markers (various colors)
Popsicle Sticks (I bought the 75 count pack)
Container (for finished sticks)
Embellishments (if desired)
Positive thoughts, affirmations, or quotes. (You can get a great list here.)

1) Write positive thoughts on sticks.
2) Embellish with stickers, paper flowers, jewels, etc.
3) Place in container.

I chose bright colored markers and embellished with bling stickers.  The sticks can be as simple or as creative as you want to make them. Paint or decoupage would add color and texture and make them more interesting.  (My kids are behind in their reading skills so I wanted to keep them easy to read.) You can make double-sided and add as many as you want.  The possibilities are endless.  I plan on having the kids add to the pail as they get better at making positive statements.I am also going to throw in some of my favorite quotes from movies and books they will recognize.

You can do it!

Week 5

We’ve had a busy week. We survived an all day shopping trip to two malls and lunch at Rainforest Café. We had no less than 9 trips to the bathroom. Where I discovered that I believe there should be a code of some sort in restaurants aimed at kids that the stalls be big enough for both parent and child to fit in (or at least shut the door without the child’s head being in the toilet) and sinks not be either scalding hot or freezing cold. The kids did pretty well. A little trouble sharing the spotlight when trying on clothes and a certain 7 year old who decided she was going to have an attitude at lunch were the only issues. The kids had a great time shopping with my Mom and my Dad loved every minute of showing his Grandson the monkeys and apes.

Fast forward to Saturday night when Jelly Bean was going to bed and was asking about bad dreams and then revealed to me her abuse. She started with the sexual abuse that the 2nd foster father inflicted and then moved on to the physical abuse that her Mom inflicted. And after some discussion she finally agreed that if I stayed with her she would feel comfortable telling her therapist. We then gave her some power the next night when she was throwing a tantrum at my husband and he asked her if he could sit on her bed to talk to her and she asked if she could say no – and he said of course. So she said no and told him he could sit on the chair. Oh but the whining and the tantrums continued. Right up to last night when she lied about homework. It was exhausting. And while I suspect a lot of this has to do with her trusting us and now testing us to see what we’ll do I’m also suspicious that this is far deeper and that underneath is some reactive attachment disorder stuff. But then again the adults also forgot to give her her ADHD medication that morning. Hmmm.

We also went to my Mother-in-laws house and they got to meet her and play with her dog. She also lent us a ton of Disney movies which the kids really liked. And apparently that led Mr. Mohawk to consider acting as when he was supposed to be sleeping he was instead playing with his Snoopy and Turtle. When we caught him he pretended to be asleep and he was pretty convincing. So my husband took Snoopy and put him to the side and covered him back up. A few minutes later he went back in and it looked like he was in the same position. So he whispered “do you want your Snoopy” and poor little guy fell for it. First by nodding then by answering yes and finally opening his eyes because he knew he was busted!

We also went to church where the kids did a great job. And they visited my chiropractor. Who is amazing. And told us that Mr. Mohawk would start to share more. And sure enough at dinner time out of left field he said, “My Real Mom hit me on my butt and it hurt me.” Kind of hard to deny energy not flowing correctly as a cause for ailments when you hear that story. I’m a pretty skeptical person who has two feet firmly planted in reality but the fact that acupuncture has helped me so tremendously I have to trust that something inside the little man was blocking those feelings from coming out.

Happy Valentine's Day!

We are beginning week 4 of our new family. We had a very busy weekend and had a little more sadness than we had previously. My 3 year old (Mr. Mohawk) was really missing his “really, real Mom” and his sisters. He would come to me with “Mama I miss my sisters” I’d give him a hug and he would go play. I’m starting to wonder if he has hit a new level developmentally and now understands more of the situation and is therefore confused by it.

He discovered Power Rangers Saturday and so that was cute watching him bounce around the house. He also noticed that the Beast from Beauty and the Beast also has a Mohawk and was very excited by this. We have been trying to watch all of the classic Disney films as we have a trip planned in the Spring and want the kids to be excited by all the characters.

My little Jelly Bean had kind of a rough day Sunday. She was really defiant at bedtime and although she is normally a snail in the dressing and undressing process she decided to race to the bathroom when I told her brother to go brush his teeth and I watched as she started to slam the door on him. This is obviously unacceptable and she was immediately sent to a time out. In the process of trying to talk about what she did wrong she decided to stomp off to the bathroom. Its so hard to figure out what is normal 7 year old behavior, traumatized kid behavior, new to this house behavior, and ADHD symptoms. We did discover though she has an interest and a talent for decorating cookies Saturday. Her reading is improving and she actually read for 45 minutes straight on Sunday. She is very worried about being adopted although this has not been brought up – and we have not asked if we would be willing. (Her previous family adopted their youngest daughter through foster care and our kids attended the ceremony.) She is worried as she know if this were to happen she would not be going back to live with her Mom. I asked her where she thought she would live and she said here.

I walked into work today and found a beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting for me with a card that said, “Happy Valentine’s Day to the best Mom in the world. We Love you, From the best children in the world, Jelly Bean and Mr. Mohawk.” I tell you my husband is something else. So of course I sent him a picture with a thank you and he called back all angry. Apparently, the florist sent the wrong arrangement and not one as expensive as he paid for. So I get ANOTHER delivery on Wednesday and a discount on our next order And I’m happy to report I’m the ONLY Mom/wife to get flowers at the office.

So on this day where we celebrate those we love I’m rejoicing in the new ways I’ve found love. The new ways I love my husband. These children who are so awesome they have already stolen my heart. And the newfound appreciation I have for my own parents. My heart is full.