November- National Adoption Month

It's November! Which means it's National Adoption Month. The President signed a proclamation and everything. But I'm struggling with how best to honor "adoption". I'm especially struggling with the "Happy Adoption Month" sentiment.

If there is one lesson I've learned about adoption- it's that it isn't the happy greeting card commercial our society likes to view it as. And it's a deeply personal experience. What might make one person feel happy and grateful might make another experience shame and rejection.

Sure it's a good thing to give children permanency and fulfill the dreams of people who want to be parents. But there is pain and grief behind that joy. A sense of loss- of roots and connection and sameness that we all crave. Both child and parent alike. 

Adoption has come a long way from where it was - secretive, shunned, hushed, coerced. There is more openness and dialogue about the impact of adoption but we still have a long way to go. Our vocabulary, our insensitive phrases, the files still closed to the person they belong to, it all needs to continue to change.

Will you be part of that change? Will you support adoption positive language.  Will you listen to adoptees share their story no matter if it makes you uncomfortable? Will you share your own experiences no matter how hard?


"November 21 marks National Adoption Day, when we unite as families, advocates, and communities -- and as a country -- to raise awareness of the barriers to adoption and recommit ourselves to moving more of our young people into permanent homes." Barack Obama

Thankful

Often I read posts about the loss of a support system to foster and adoptive families. Friends and families don't understand the chaos and confusion. They don't understand behaviors or mental illness and that often the best way to deal with these difficulties is the opposite of what makes sense to the majority of parents. They don't understand why you can't break routine "just this once" or why a babysitter may not be a possibility. Or they may not feel they can let the children into their lives to watch them walk away. We've been fairly lucky in this reguard. I had already lost the people who would have bailed when I went through my depression. The family that hasn't really understood what our lives are like now had already started to grow away from us. The hurt and confusion of people you love walking away had already been dealt with before the kids got here. We also have some pretty wonderful people in our life that cheer us on and worry with us and I wanted to take a moment to say how thankful I am for their presence in our life. I understand how rare that can be in foster/adopt land. We were with two of these people on Friday night. They called spur of the moment to see us and the kids. We went bowling. We sat outside near a campfire with some live music, great food, and a few drinks and laughed. Really laughed. I can't remember the last time all of us sat around a table happy and relaxed in our home town. These friends of our love our kids. They sat with me a few days after Jelly Bean was hospitalized. I was tipsy and the emotions of the week had gotten to me and I was crying. And they were crying with me. At two in the morning. So I wasn't by myself. I was grateful for the reassurances they gave then and they have been true to their word still. They are at every birthday and celebration and my kids love them back. They are an aunt and uncle even though we are not related but I wouldn't have it any other way. My Prayer tonight is that other families have good friends in their lives too. Especially when Things get rough. So that they feel supported and so their children can see what good friendships look like.

This is what my family looks like....

Blogger land has been EXTREMELY helpful to me this past year (my GOD its been a year!). I began following and reading some really articulate and interesting blogs by other Foster/Adoptive Parents and I can't thank them enough. I don't know any of the personally but none the less they have each helped me in some way even if it was just to know that there were other woman out there who go through the same things that I do. (Many of them have much, much more on their plates.) Jen over at A Nickles Worth of Common Sense is one of these wonderful people.

Race and ethnicity are sometimes complex issues but as Jen pointed out they can make life more beautiful and interesting. And despite having been with a hispanic (Puerto Rican) man for the last 10 years, five of which I've had a hispanic last name, I never really FELT the difference until my Mexican kids showed up. My beautiful dark haired, brown eyed, tanned kids who are a stark contrast to my fair Irish skin, Blue eyes, and light brown hair. The kids who speak an entire other language that I desperately wish I could remember from all of those college classes. And while there are times we are blown away by how similar they are to us I am well aware that they have lived in a world that is the polar opposite of mine.

They have been beaten and preyed on. They have been homeless. They have moved more times in 6 months than I have in my entire life. They have witnessed their mother being attacked and alcoholism in action. They have had family murdered and shot at. They have been on food stamps and shared 1 room in a house with 5 other families.

I have no idea what people think what when they see all of us together. My husband is hispanic but is most often mistaken for Italian. (I'm the Italian.) And I'm not sure I care what they think. But I do wish I could peal back the curtain and take a glimps to make sure they SEE that we ARE a family. We may not be from the same culture or socioeconomic status, or even cheer for the same baseball team but we are a family, even if it is "Just for now".

Saturday we are having a birthday party for Mr. Mohawk. He is turning 4 and we have invited the family and friends that have kids. In an effort to avoid any additional confusion or "kids say the darndest things" moments we talked last night about the guest list. This includes their previous foster family who's make up is of biological, adoptive, and fostering. And my cousin who's family is made up of a transracial international adoption.My Godchild who has half brothers who have half siblings and step siblings. It will be a mixed bag and as we were discussing it my heart was happy understanding just how much uniquness our family has. We aren't traditional and I wouldn't change that at all.

Perspective

Our journey to foster/adoption was impacted along the way. From the time I was a child young enough to need a babysitter to the time I was the babysitter and now as an adult. But yesterday something odd happened and I was reminded of the Safe Haven Baby that was in fact not placed.

It was May of 2009. A co-worker of mine was talking at lunch about her Sister who was pregnant and giving the baby up for adoption. We had friends that were going through the process of working with a domestic adoption agency. I decided to open my big mouth.

Oh are the adoptive parents going to be there?

No she didn't do that she was just going to leave the baby at the hospital under the Safe Haven Law

Oh. Well you know we have friends who are trying to adopt.

Do you think they'd be interested in the baby?

I could ask.

So I did. I e-mailed with the details I knew. Baby Girl. Due in a month. Bi-racial. Dad in Jail. Mom Drug user. No Prenatal care. The friends were interested. So I texted my co-worker. I recieved one back. I talked to my Sister she wants to give her to your friends. WOW. Just WOW.

These friends of ours had tried for years - undergoing every fertility treatment possible. Even trying massage and acupuncture and there was no medical explination for their inability to get pregnant. They didn't have any trouble with their first pregnancy and they desperately wanted to give their child a sibling. I was excited! Maybe working in this office finally had MEANING. We were facilitating a much wanted adoption helping everyone out. (Yeah I was that arrogant.)

Then the sister went into labor. That night. She labored for 2 days. The families talked. They decided to go forward. Could we come and introduce them at the hospital the day she is born? Sure. We walked in and saw this tiny beautiful baby girl hours old. I got to hold her. And went to change her diaper not realizing it was her first diaper change. We listened as her Mother told the potential adoptive parents how she wanted her to have better and that she was sure of her decision. Hire the lawyer. Hold your daughter. I would never tell you I was going to give you the baby and then change my mind. Until she did. And the social worker told the adoptive family's lawyer that there was no baby to adopt.

I was angry and upset. I felt responsible for bringing this heartache into our friends lives. How could she do that to them? To her Daughter? These people could give her EVERYTHING. I was concerned about the $1,000 retainer they plunked down. And this was all complicated by the fact that I worked with the Aunt. Maybe this is my Sisters chance to change her life around. Perhaps now she'll stay clean (apparently her 15 year old wasn't reason enough, or her boyfriend who over dosed and died at her house the previous year). She quailifies for state insurance and she can get a voucher for a free high chair. The updates on the baby started to sting as I heard them. My office was careful not to mention it around me but I did hear things here and there. I found out the Aunt had taken custody of the baby in order for her to leave the hospital as she tested positive for drugs at birth. I saw her picture and her beautiful curly hair. And a gigantic smile.

Then we ventured down the road of foster parenting and adoption and I learned a ton. That drug abuse is a common reason for children to be taken by DCFS. That an adoptive family in a "better" situation does not give the chid an automatic pass to a great life. That often adoptive children have trouble coming to terms with how they came to be adopted and that knowing their birthfamilies becomes very important for many of them. That the best interest of a child is to stay with their birth families if at all possible. In reading the blog of a woman who did place her baby up for adoption under Safe Haven I learned of the pain that birth mothers go through. I know that with the joy of adoption for the adoptive family also come with a great loss to the birth family and the children.

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk working at my computer with my back to the hallway. I heard little feet running down the hall and I turned to look. It was her. Full of energy, same big smile. She came running straight to me. Her Aunt laughing. She came straight to you. Thats so wierd! And instead of the prick of heartache I felt joy. Joy for this little girl that her Mom was able to parent. Happiness that she looked well cared for and adorable. Relieved that she seemed healthy. Blessed that she popped into my life. I have a different perspective now and I'm glad I was able to be a part of their difficult journey so that if ever faced with the situation again I'll have a better understanding of the emotion involved.

You might ask what happened to our friends. They found out they were pregnant not too long after going through this situation. Their baby was born in May and while she had some serious health problems she is now home and doing well.