Verdict

So the judge in the foster care case granted overnight visits Thursday. And the states attorney defended us from the accusation that we were trying to sabotage the goal. I'm not clear on what the issue was but the idea is ridiculous. 1) I don't need to help mom screws up just fine on her own 2) it would not score me any points with the kids 3) the only issues I raise are ones that have to do with the kids. I don't know how advocating for safety for them could be viewed as sabotage but I suppose someone has to be blamed. Might as well be me. The judge and states attorney defended us and actually stated that they feel "blessed" to have such supportive, loving, dedicated foster parents.

I didn't go. Hubby went. It's probably best. I was pretty upset afterward for a number of reasons but mostly because I love them and I have no idea how to start to say goodbye. And while I can admit that she is trying very hard, I still question if she's got enough tools to meet the needs of her kids. I guess we'll see when the visits start. The new plan includes Jelly Bean's therapist meeting with the family therapist and Mom and kids so that their feelings get brought up.

The criminal trial against the former foster parent was this week. The kids did great testifying and my little Jelly Bean set a precedent in the county. Never before have they allowed a victim to testify via closed circuit camera so that the victim isn't re-traumatized. But we gathered the right documentation and the states attorney made the right argument and her therapist testified on her behalf and the judge allowed it!

The experience was empowering for her and she handled it like a champ. LM also did fantastic. I was able to be at the reading of the verdict and I am happy I say that it was GUILTY. I watched him being taken into custody in handcuffs. It felt great to tell Jelly Bean that she and other kids were safer that night. We will also have a chance to write a victim impact statement for sentencing. He is also likely to be deported as he is a permanent resident and a class X felony will cause him to lose his status.

The "Talk"

I was always grateful that my Mom was open and honest with me about sex. I always felt I could ask her questions and not feel embarrassed.

But I don't remember being 12 when it happened. LM and I had a fairly candid conversation about sex this week after discovering JB was talking about it at daycare and at bedtime. It was a huge trigger for LM as she was raped by one of Mom's boyfriends. (JB was pretty graphic when discussing such as "you know when the man gets on top of the woman and puts his thing inside her".)

Her question to me was if she could have gotten pregnant if she had her period.

So I explained reproduction. I explained that I hope one day sex is a positive thing, enjoyable even, between her and a committed partner of her choice when she is an adult. I went over hormones and what peers may start to talk about and that she can always come to me with questions.

I stopped short of discussing birth control methods (beyond abstinence) because I'm pretty sure that physical relationships are not in her near future.

I wish I had five minutes in a room with her sexual abusers. I'd inflict as much damage as I could so that at critical junctures in their life they would feel the pain I inflicted on them over and over again.

I let JB's therapist handle her. I'm just not really sure how to approach all of it the best way.

Am I in Trouble?

We've had some inappropriate touching in house recently.  In most homes it would be a harmless thing between siblings. A way to aggravate each other. Funny even.

But in a home with a sexual abuse history its a red flag.   Its a concern. It requires closer supervision.

Jelly Bean has been touching Gabby's bottom when Gabby is standing near her or going up the stairs.  Last week when we tried to discuss it with the therapists she turned on the rage and denied knowing what we were talking about. She took a time out, calmed down and we went over the rules of keeping your hands to yourself, asking before you touch people (even if a good touch) and treating people how you want to be treated. 

It happened again today at day care.  So tonight when we called her downstairs she asked, "Am I in trouble?"

"Do you do something that you would be in trouble for?"

Pause

Mom and Dad patiently waiting.

Pause

Mom and Dad patiently waiting.

"Touching Gabby again?"

Again.

There it was.  She admitted that it happened before.

The fact that it was sop public makes us believe that this is really to annoy her sister rather than perpetrate but we have to be watchful.

Innocent Until Proven Guilty

We had quite the week. We had a mid-week visit that didn't go so great. We had a boatload of attitude and a lot of re-directing mainly because of the midweek visit. I also stumbled across the county clerk website and finally found the case listed for Jelly Bean's abuser. I felt like writing a post on this because child molestation and sexual abuse have been in the news all week due to the allegations at Penn State and their alleged cover up. To be honest I don't know all the facts. I can't read the articles about this because it makes my stomach turn. Which is also how I felt when I heard from the victim advocate this week when she told me Little Mama was going to have to testify at a pretrial hearing as this jerk isn't taking the plea they've offered him. So because he has a legal right my 11 year old who was also sexually abused now has to testify in open court. And if his creep of a defense attorney doesn't think she's credible enough my 8 year old will have to face her abuser in open court. The foster parent of the 2nd home she was in after she was taken away from her abusive mother.

I'm really tired of these kids being put through Hell and back to protect the rights of the people who have harmed them. And I feel even more weary the people like foster parents and teachers and coaches are contributing to the abuses the children in this country endure. To read about the assistant coach who WITNESSED a child being RAPED and did nothing to stop it makes me want to throw up. It makes my heart ache for the victims and their parents.

I've been parenting a sexually abused child for 9 months. When she first moved I to my house she couldn't sleep. She had nightmares. It took us hours and lots of reassurance before she would settle for bed. I don't think she fell asleep before 10 pm for the first 2 months. And I had to do all the work. My husband triggered her simply because he was a man. Then the other sexually abused child moved in and triggered the you get one and we started from square one. We have girls who are so afraid of anything remotely sexual they can't handle cartoon characters kissing. I'm told on a weekly basis that certain clothing on strangers is inappropriate. Even a routine trip to the doctor was filled with fear when she touched the lower back of a child to check on a mole.

The effects of any abuse are long lasting but sexual abuse is extra tough. I worry that my girls will head in the promiscuous direction when they hit puberty. I worry that they will never be comfortable in their own skin. I worry that they will seek out relationships with abusive men. And I worry that they will never enjoy intimacy with a loving partner.

I don't know what it's like to find out someone you trusted abused your child. Mine came with their abuse but as I head into the trial portion of what happened my mama bear is coming out pretty fiercely. I want this guy to pay for what he did to my beautiful daughter. And I hope he sits in jail while I try to help BOTH my girls recover from making sure his rights aren't infringed on. While they continue as foster kids waiting to make sure their Mother's rights aren't infringed on. (Who also to my knowledge has not asked what has happened to her daughters abuser and has no idea her other daughter has to testify.)

If there is one thing I hope the country learns is that their are countless victims of child abuse and them and their families struggle to heal. I hope the Penn State students carry out their message and promise to raise money for victims of sexual abuse and I hope that this breaks some of the silence.

*abusers are alleged and innocent until proven guilty
**this guy confessed at the DCFS office to what JB says he did but is claiming he was being held against his will. In a DCFS office. With an unlocked, open door.