Case Closed

Solona's last court Date was the first time I had ever walked into court and not felt anxiety. I used to have to take anti-anxiety mess to drive to court for The Fab Four and my Forever kids. I'd literally be on the verge of a panic attack the entire drive ( 1 1/2). I haven't had that happen for Solana's court days except for maybe the 1st one.

The case was called as I was parking. I walked I to the court room to find Sheila and Dad sitting in the gallery and Solana running laps around the benches, barefoot. The Judge and attorneys busy shuffling papers. Then the Judge made a comment that we should let her keep running around the courtroom because then she would nap later.

After about 10 minutes Caseworker #4 and the attorneys came back and said an agreement had been reached, the order was entered and the case was closed. The Judge had the court reporter record everyone present, asked that the record reflect Solana was running laps, and that she never had to come back.

Just like that it was over.

We went in the hallway and I told Dad how proud I was. I took a picture of them holding the order.

I had no sadness. No dissapointment. No tears. I was happy, excited, relieved that Solana was safe and that her Dad had gotten sole legal and physical custody with control over visits.

I tried to facilitate a goodbye between Solana and Sheila but when I told her to say Goodbye to Mommy while holding her, she looked at me like I was crazy and patted me while saying "Mama no goodbye. Mama here." It was probably the most awkward part of the day.

Dad and I made plans for pick up and drop off the rest of the week and then walked out together. He told Solana to say "goodbye to Mom" and handed her over to me for kisses.

About a year and a half ago he sat across from me and told me she was my baby too. He meant it this whole time and I cannot express how special that is. And he is part of the family too! This past weekend we spent a full 24 hours together with him staying the night at our place. Such an amazing gift for us to give our kids.

At the beginning I was certain we would adopt her. This is better. So much better.

Anatomy of Termination

I'm not sure where to begin. We arrived in court with my Mom in tow. We were told Bio Dad wasn't coming and that Sheila was still saying she would sign the surrender. She found us in the hallway and invited us to sit with her and the caseworker. 

She said she was really glad we came. We were finally called in 2 hours 20 minutes after the call time. The special prosecutor looked nervous and like she had no clue about what was going on. The attorney for DCFS was super annoyed with her and kept correcting her and the GAL for CASA was basically mite until the last few minutes in the court room.

While we were waiting for the judge to get to everything, Sheila started to cry as she had just finished signing the surrender. I couldn't help myself. I reached my arm around her to comfort her. The words "you have to treat her like one of the kids in your home" echoing in my head. It was really, really sad.

The judge called her to the front and made sure 8 different ways that she knew what she was doing by signing the identified surrender. The paperwork names Hubby and I and if for some reason we don't adopt the kids her rights are reinstated, but only in some specific instances. If we divorce I can still adopt the kids and if one of us dies the other can still adopt.

It was incredibly sad to watch as it seemed like way too much repeatition about "this is irrevocable and final". And since there were 4 kids, 4 sets of papers were signed and the judge had to go through each of them. She was crying, her attorney was trying not to cry. The judge commended her for her decision and told her it showed she loves her kids.

I couldn't believe it was actually happening. She returned to sit beside me- I asked if she wanted a hug she told me no and I handed her the card we had gotten for her the last time we had court. 

Her attorney told her she could stay but she didn't have to. And the court proceeded to the TPR trial for the dads.  If it was my kids' permanency at stake I might have laughed at the incompetency of the attorneys sitting in front of me.. I swear it was the special prosecutor's first day. She kept mixing up the names of the fathers and the kids. Her questions didn't make sense, the DCFS attorney kept telling her to stop her line of questioning. At one point when asking the casework to give testimony about Bio Dad's fitness as a parent, she asked how often visits were. She answered weekly and the attorney moves on, never asking how many he actually showed for, which would have been 1/2.

It was at that point that Sheila left. And I watched on the edge of my seat to see if the minimal argument the state made about Dad not competing any service plans was going to be enough. His attorney said, obviously he cares some he sent gifts and visited (but it's kind of hard to argue if the guy never showed up and wasn't standing there). DCFS argued gifts and concern don't make a parent and I said "amen" under my breath.

It was enough to TPR and while he has the righ to appeal, I doubt that he will.  But I couldn't believe how unprofessional the prosecutor seemed and I wanted to give her an impassioned- there are lives hanging in the balance if you screw up, but I didn't.

They terminated on all the dads and held the best interest hearing (a seperate step to ensure that the adoption is the right thing for the kids) and that was ruled in their best interest. Then we had the shortest permanency hearing ever it went like this:

DCFS attorney: Can we go ahead and change the permanency goal to adoption

Judge: Yes lets do that. It is so ordered.

Then the DCFS attorney got all huffy when the GAL finally spoke up and asked for his motion that the therapy team be given the authority and discretion to decide what visits with Mom and Baby should be going forward. The DCFS attorney was all we have policies and I don't think the court should dive that deep and of course we will look at their best interest and the judge said: I've had this case 10 years, I'm going to take a little leeway and I remember when the kids started seeing the therapists and I believe they have made unbelievable progress and I defer to them to keep the kids going in the same direction. Quite frankly, I see their point and it makes a lot of sense to me.

If I could have hugged her, I would have. So the therapists have to recommend further visits and DCFS can't force the visits without the therapists being on board.

A permanency hearing was set for next February and we were free to go.

That part was somewhat anticlimactic. This huge monumental change so long in the making and we just walked into the hallway.

My Mom was there and I started to tear up, I said the goal is adoption and she hugged me. She said, it's been such a long journey, five years, and you are that much closer.

**********

We planned a movie for the kids. I picked them up from camp and we had a family meeting. We told them we went to court, they asked if their Mom signed, we confirmed and they cheered. We also told them about their baby sister and that the baby was not living with Mom. Stella asked why couldn't her Mom just give the baby to us and Sarah got angry that her Mom is trying to work the case plan. (That whole thing is a sticky wicket. You want the kid to feel better and tell her it's not likely her Mom will get there but you also don't want to bash her Mom either. Plus you want her not to be jealous of a baby.)

And then we went to the movies and we were all relaxed. We had some time to wait outside for the theater to be ready. Simon was studying the below movie poster. He said: "Mom, is that movie about Foster care? Because that's how I feel. I was lost and now I'm found. Adoption feels like being found."

Amen, my sweet, sweet boy, amen.

If you would, take a moment and pray for Sheila. Her heart is hurting and she doesn't have anyone to share this hurt with. For as much as this is the right thing, she's a lot like my kids and they are a part of her and I hope she can find a way to heal.

Short Lived

WARNING: This is not a bio parent or foster care positive post. If you don't feel like reading the honest truth about the emotional Rollercoaster that is foster care you might not want to keep reading.  

In all honesty, I'm really angry. I'm mostly mad at myself for falling for the manipulation that seemingly occurred today. I'm angry that the consequences of someone else's choice fall on me, and I'm angry that permanency is further away today than it was yesterday.

Last week Sheila asked us to come to the courthouse to support her signing the surrender paperwork. We made the 1 1/2 trek out there this morning only to discover that since bio dad (of Sarah and Simon) was not coming, Sheila was not willing to sign the surrender until they could sign it at the same time. 

I was pissed. I squandered 4 of my last 9 hours of vacation time only to learn that the TPR trial had been cancelled since the bios said they were going to sign and since the decided not to, the TPR trial would be rescheduled for August. 

Instead of being admonished for not keeping her word to us that she knew signing the paperwork was the best for the kids, she was rewarded with an additional three months of visits.

I couldn't handle it. I actually left the court room crying in the middle of the hearing. I felt lied to. I was angry. In my mind I saw weeks of behavior and bed wetting and the crushed faces of my kids.

The judge said she wasn't happy but she couldn't force her to sign and there was no time on her docket but this means  the baby will be born and the department could force the kids to have visits.

It also meant we had to tell the kids that the adoption part wasn't starting. They were frustrated and sad that the process is going to take longer. This also means that they will have to start school with their legal names and we will have to deal with their name change mid-school year.

Right now I feel like I was snowed. I bought into the idea that she would follow through on her word. It's moments like this where I forget about the crazy truly at work and give the benefit of the doubt only to be blindsided. She shot herself in the foot where we are concerned because we will not be fooled again. Any trust built last week was swiftly destroyed by this decision. 

I have no idea what bio dad had to do with this, other than she saw an out and a path to more visits. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's her right. And if she had worked at it we wouldn't be in this situation. 11 months from the goal change will have gone by before the TPR trial happens. They will have been in foster care 2 1/2 years this time. What about the kids' rights?  What about mine? We are being held hostage, in limbo, on the whims of a woman who looked me in the face and told me she was afraid I would cut off contact and she wanted a good relationship so that wouldn't happen.

Let me tell you, this was not the way to start out. At this moment I have no desire  to work with her because I feel like she totally wasted our time and hurt my kids.

Permanency Hearing

We had a permanency hearing today. The goal remained Termination Pending Determination of Termination of Parental Rights. The judges found no reasonable progress or effort on all of the parents. 

Sheila's attorney tried to make a play at admitting evidence that she was making progress by attending a few therapy sessions (in the last 3 weeks) and keeping suitable housing.

The judge pointed out that she was pregnant as a result of an abusive relationship and that it was clear that whatever services she had completed clearly hadn't set in.

Everything went as expected (bio Dad was a no show but his attorney was there) but it left me angry and frustrated. We should be done.

I want to be done.

The kids deserve to be done.

I was assured that the TPR trial will be  scheduled at the hearing next month and that it should go quick from there.

I'm not holding my breath.

Stunned

I've been at this for four years now.  Not much phases me at this point.  Tonight I was making airline reservations while catching blood from someone's nose.  Just another Tuesday.  But I was stunned when I learned today that Bio Dad is not willing to sign the identified surrender paperwork.

What?

He missed over 50% of his visits.  He didn't even have his house approved for visits much less overnights.  He hasn't shown up to court but once in the last 2 years (and he was summoned).  He didn't take a single parenting class. He didn't participate in therapy or family meetings. 

But he wants to go to trial to terminate his rights.

I just don't get it. You were so disinterested before. Your kids were left to worry and wonder if you were going to show up for them.  And now you want to take it seriously?

I felt like someone punched me in the gut when Caseworker #3 told me that. 

And where are their attorneys?  Why are they not telling these parents that having your parental rights terminated can have a lasting legal effect as it may be grounds to terminate your rights on other children.  Both of the Bios have other children.

And for some reason Caseworker #3 thinks they will try to wrap up the TPR by end of the year as one of the attorneys is going on maternity leave.

Yeah right.

Lovely, right?

This is where I struggle as a person who understands the law and a Foster Mom. 

As a Foster/Adoptive Mom, it seems so incredibly unfair to make our family hang in limbo because NOW you decide to take this seriously.  Umm little too late buddy.  But thanks for making this process that much more complicated.

As a paralegal I understand that your rights to your children should be the hardest of rights to take away.

I was told its possible we will have a goal change to adoption before year end.  (I think that's far fetched.) Think of what a lovely trauma anniversary that could be.....

 And as the foster family we are just left to our own devices.  We just have to sit back and wait for everyone to tell us what is happening to our family next. 
 

Anatomy of a Permanency Hearing

If you haven't spent much time in court, you probably have no point of reference or what to expect at foster care related court dates. Our foster parent training came with a break down of what is supposed to happen at certain types of court hearings but I'm never really sure what to expect.  (Each state and county handle things differently and this case is a different county than the Fab Four.)

First off, Sheila was 30 minutes late again. And since court didn't start on time, she made it by the skin of her teeth. We walked in the court room and were seated. Foster Parents sit in the gallery with the caseworker and CASA worker. 

The judge references the case and names everyone in the room. We had the CASA attorney (GAL and kids' attorney), the Assistant States Attorney (ASA) for the county, the DCFS attorney, the caseworker supervisor, the CASA worker, us, and Sheila.

The ASA began by brining up some administrative stuff for bio Dad (who didn't show).  They were unable to serve him with the summons so they are going to try an alternative address. If that doesn't work, they will publish in the newspaper about the case. Then we pretty much dove right in. The ASA asked that a goal change of Substitute Care pending determination of termination of parental rights. And Mom's  attorney put Sheila on the stand to give testimony.

It was hard to listen. I was taking notes and could see the attorney was trying to paint a picture that she was making efforts towards her case plan. I felt bad for Sheila as she was really nervous and didn't articulate well, any of the information they were trying to get her to provide. She even gave the wrong ages to the kids. Basically in the last two weeks she hasn't been able to get ahold of the caseworker who is in training and they tried to use that as blame for her lack of progress. I had to give it to her attorney, for a moment I really thought the goal was going to remain return home.

Then the other 3 attorneys spoke and gave some pretty detailed evidence that she isn't consistent, doesn't understand why her kids aren't with her, and that she has no insight into how to address the issues. The psych eval gave some pretty clear examples of why she doesn't have a good prognosis for parenting her children.

The hearing lasted 2 hours. And the judge ruled that she did not find reasonable progress or efforts. She also stated she believed that the flurry of activity was only because of court and that the case law is clear that, one part of an entire service plan being completed doesn't mean progress. The judge changed the goal to Substiture Care pending determination of termination. Basically that means the next step is the termination trial which happens in 3 steps.

They set a permanency hearing for six months out and a pre-trial status hearing for the termination trial. This is the point where they will give her the option of an identified surrender or going to trial. I'm pretty sure she will go to trial. 

Since the goal is no longer return home services slow down and visits reduce to once a month. I haven't heard yet when that will begin but we already have a natural break due to our travel plans. They also told us if Bio dad misses any 2 visits- they will cancel them altogether. 

And So It Goes

I often listen to Pandora internet radio during my work day.  I read contracts all day and I do better when I can block out the other office noise around me. (And as I type, I realize some of that may be because I have no peace to myself outside the office!)


Anyway, a few weeks ago the song "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel came on.


I literally cried at my desk. Silent tears streamed down my face while I imagined this being sung by a Foster Mom and a Foster Child.  (Click on the video link to hear it sung.)


Foster Mom:
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers Mothers past
Until a new one comes along


Foster Child:
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave



Foster Mom:
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed



Foster Child:
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows


Together:
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows







The piano is painfully beautiful.  The song captures the feelings and emotions I have been struggling to articulate lately.   I'm sharing the sanctuary of my heart with 8 children.  I'm trying to help all of them heal from mothers past and it is met with the defenses and walls they have built up over time. And I would chose to be with them, if the choice were mine to make. But it isn't.


Four years in, and I'm pretty sure I believe that is the hardest part of being a foster parent.  Having others make choices about your life for you.  It comes with the territory of being able to have these amazing kids in your life but its maddening as it happens. I mean heck, I started running 1/2 marathons so that I could control something in my life.  That should give you a sense of the desperation I was feeling!


We have a permanency hearing next week and I'm definitely stressed out about this lack of control. First, I just want an end for these kids.  They are so tired and weary. Second, DCFS isn't finished with all of their paperwork for court.  We only have a few business days left and they are down to the wire.  It makes me very nervous that these kids are going to suffer once again because the adults couldn't get their paperwork handled. And it makes me nervous that there were other mistakes made that will mean a continued goal of return home in 6 months.  Finally, I really don't want to drive 1 1/2 hours to find out that its been continued after I've used a vacation day.  Not the end of the world but definitely on the list of things that would really tick me off. I have four kids. They get sick. I need vacation days saved up for fevers and vomit not delays because someone else didn't do their work.


Its also Sarah's birthday this week and she had a lot of trouble going to bed tonight because she is terrified that her Bio Mom is going to forget her birthday.  A big deal was made about Smiley's birthday and now Sarah is afraid that she won't even be acknowledged.  How sad. 8 years old and you can't trust that your Mom will remember your birthday.  Totally heartbreaking.  And that goes back to, why should she open her heart up to me? Every other adult/parent let her down.  9 months in and it feels like we are just scratching the surface of trust.  Its such a long path.  A step forward, a step back. Both of us waiting for the other to be taken away.  And so it goes, on and on. 

Court

We had court last week. It was just a status hearing but the psych eval on Sheila and trauma assessments on the children were being admitted to the record. Sheila almost no showed again. If we had started on time she would have missed the hearing entirely. As it was, we started 45 minutes late and she was 5 minutes later than that, so she walked in before too much information was shared. 

The take away was that Bio Mom's prognosis is poor. According to the report, it is unlikely that she will be able to protect her children or stop being a victim of domestic violence and the recommendation was termination of parental rights. The judge once again said that there was no progress being made. 

Thankfully, the judge took the most important piece of the kids' trauma assessments and commented that they need permanency very soon. She said that it was clear from the reports that if a permanent solution is not found soon, the children will suffer further trauma and that isn't in their best interest. She also said that this case has been in her courtroom for 11 years and we are basically in the same spot we were in the 1st time. 

The States Attorney was speaking in "ifs". "The next permanency hearing is critical. If nothing is improved we will probably recommend a goal change of termination." And similar statements. She talked about a bunch of procedural stuff on the Dad's which makes me believe they are at the cross your t's, dot your I's stage.

Sheila ran out of court and briefly said hi passing us in the hall afterwards. The next day she called to set up a schedule for phone calls since she's been missing them. She even stated she wouldn't work that day so that she didn't miss the calls. She talked about focusing on her case and not on work. She talked about becoming an effective parent. It sounded like she was just mimicking the things she's been hearing at parenting class. (And I'm sorry but if you can't remember a 15 minute call with your kids once a week we have some bigger issues. Set an alarm on your phone if you have to.)

She asked for our house rules and wrote them down at the suggestion of Stella. (And this is where I hope the person observing them at the parenting class was paying attention. The 9 year old suggested Mom adopt rules because no one was taking turns. Said rules were offered to Mom months ago.)

All great things. But sadly, too late. The time for this full court press was last year. And even so, like the judge pointed out, this family has a long history with the system.

I listened. I tried to support without being condescending. I very clearly restated how serious the kids' mental health issues are. She would agree and then contradict the statements she was making, confirming for me that she doesn't really understand. I was glad she made statements like "my kids deserve my best". It will make it easier when they ask me later on in life if their Mom tried to get better. Our intentions are to keep her a part of their life with us, so I also tried to keep that in mind as I listened to the excuses she was giving me. 

I'm still not ready to say we are for sure heading for adoption. I've heard too many stories of the goal not changing despite what everyone seemed to say. I'm just taking it one day at a time praying that the next three months don't contain a lot of drama. We have a lot of hard work to begin in therapy and my hope is that we get far enough along so that if the goal changes in the fall, the kids are better prepared. It is clear the Sheila has some major issues to work on and I don't see them getting resolved in three months. 

Court

We had our first permanency hearing today. Sheila was 30 minutes late and walked in mid-hearing. The judge was not pleased and made the comment that this seems to be a theme. She also agreed with the GAL who observed that either she isn't capable of realizing the seriousness of the situation or she doesn't care and has given up. 

We knew that the case plan was going to be unsatisfactory. What we heard from the states attorney as evidence of no effort and no progress was pretty serious. No effort and no progress is grounds for termination in our state. There have to be findings of no effort and/or no progress for a consecutive 9 months (I believe. I could have some of the statutes mixed up.) DCFS likes to have two unsatisfactory case plans before the take it to legal screening to ensure the case is likely to be granted termination.

She's not done any of her parenting classes and the supervisor of that program actually sent in a report documenting all the ways they tried to work with her. Her excuses as to why she didn't show didn't add up. She isn't attending counseling. She went of her medication against the advice of her psychiatrist (she had a mental health hospitalization last year which is part of why the kids are in care). She refused to give DCFS the name of her boyfriend for a background check and with the history of domestic violence that was alarming to the court. 

The GAL and the judge were concerned about the lack of therapy for the kids. The judge allowed me to update the record with Smiley and Simon's diagnosis and the plan to assess Sarah and Stella. She mentioned that these kids are going to have lots of challenges and it will take years of hard work to overcome those challenges. The judge ruled no progress, no effort on Sheila and all the Dads. There was also a paternity test ordered for Simon and Sarah to see if the Dad who they are visiting with (sometimes) is really the dad. The problem is that he is not likely to show.

Sheila was upset. She cried. I'm still not sure she realizes how serious this is. We met after court and as I was explaining Simon's anxiety and PTSD she looked flabbergasted. When I mentioned he scores and reacts like other children who have been repeatedly exposed to domestic violence and parental substance abuse she looked shocked. Her body language was: I have no idea how that could be. 

The denial is hard because that means she won't be able to correct her issues. It was mentioned that the she does not understand why DCFS is involved in her family. (Remember that she had her kids removed once and had intact services prior to this removal. The issues have been discussed over and over. She's also received a copy of the case plan.)

I don't see her correcting enough things to make progress. Her discontinuing medication is most alarming to me. She also has a criminal case pending for driving on a revoked license. She is facing jail time as this is at least her 2nd offense.

All very sad. But we are closer to permanency for these kids and potential adoption. We'll know more in three months at the next status update.

Court

So the judge ruled that overnights were to be reinstated. She agreed that the idea of sending the kids to respite was ridiculous. And at one point looked at the room and said, "someone has to give." So because I can't watch them be torn in half, we gave.

I went on record and said I didn't think they were ready to restart visits and complained loudly about the lack of communication. The judge ordered that addressed by the department. The States attorney stood up for us and the judge tearfully asked us to stick with it through the transition. It's a good thing too because Hubby had an email drafted to send giving our notice.

Judges don't generally get teary-eyed. The also don't generally tell you you are exceptional. Generally, foster parents tearfully pleading for a break isn't tolerated.

Bio Mom was admonished for her mistakes but the judge feels them fixable. I spent the better part of the day crying. Getting back to the grieving place and the place of letting go.

Hope was dashed again. But that's ok.

This time without the kids allowed Hubby and I to get away. To stay at an incredible resort with an amazing room and sleep with a glowing fireplace.

I spent the morning in a bathtub watching cheesy movies. Then this afternoon we went to the spa and got pedicures. I then spent the rest of the day in a fluffy white robe reading a pointless magazine in a meditation room overlooking an infinity pool and a pine forest covered in snow.

I had no idea how much I needed that. I swam in the heated pool next to snow piles and I felt invigorated. For a few moments I was totally alone, floating, weightless. No trauma. No worries. No one needing me. No one in the whole place knew my name. Or my story. And I released the worry and doubt into the cold air.

Maybe they will stay there. Maybe they won't but for one afternoon I was free of it. And I desperately needed it.

Court

So the judge signed off on the return home plan. The kids are slated to move home the first week of April. She actually addressed us more than Mom. With the exception of telling her NO ONE is to be at the visits.

She told us we have excelled as foster parents and she wanted to make sure that we were considered in all of this. She even commented that DCFS liked our plan better than their own. But she commended the caseworker for slowing down the start of overnights. That she was glad that she made that decision as it allowed the kids to prepare.

I about fell out of my chair. If she had only know the original plan....that had no preparation. But whatever.

Then the bombshell. DCFS tried to change the caseworker. To a male caseworker 60 days before the most complex case returns home. Well the judge had none of that. She ordered the caseworker remain in tact and then said the department could come in and tell her she didn't have jurisdiction. She actually stated several times that no one was thinking when they made that decision.

Verdict

So the judge in the foster care case granted overnight visits Thursday. And the states attorney defended us from the accusation that we were trying to sabotage the goal. I'm not clear on what the issue was but the idea is ridiculous. 1) I don't need to help mom screws up just fine on her own 2) it would not score me any points with the kids 3) the only issues I raise are ones that have to do with the kids. I don't know how advocating for safety for them could be viewed as sabotage but I suppose someone has to be blamed. Might as well be me. The judge and states attorney defended us and actually stated that they feel "blessed" to have such supportive, loving, dedicated foster parents.

I didn't go. Hubby went. It's probably best. I was pretty upset afterward for a number of reasons but mostly because I love them and I have no idea how to start to say goodbye. And while I can admit that she is trying very hard, I still question if she's got enough tools to meet the needs of her kids. I guess we'll see when the visits start. The new plan includes Jelly Bean's therapist meeting with the family therapist and Mom and kids so that their feelings get brought up.

The criminal trial against the former foster parent was this week. The kids did great testifying and my little Jelly Bean set a precedent in the county. Never before have they allowed a victim to testify via closed circuit camera so that the victim isn't re-traumatized. But we gathered the right documentation and the states attorney made the right argument and her therapist testified on her behalf and the judge allowed it!

The experience was empowering for her and she handled it like a champ. LM also did fantastic. I was able to be at the reading of the verdict and I am happy I say that it was GUILTY. I watched him being taken into custody in handcuffs. It felt great to tell Jelly Bean that she and other kids were safer that night. We will also have a chance to write a victim impact statement for sentencing. He is also likely to be deported as he is a permanent resident and a class X felony will cause him to lose his status.

Court

So we got through the prosecution portion of the criminal trial against the former foster parent who abused Jelly Bean. I didn't get to hear any of it because they may need me to testify as a rebuttal witness tomorrow.

From what I was told the kids did a phenomenal job. It was a long day filled with lots of waiting but we managed and now my kids are tucked into bed. They are exhausted and I'm really glad that the case worker granted my request to have the visit for this afternoon rescheduled.

Jelly Bean did a fantastic job of processing this experience. For the first time ever in the county they allowed a witness to testify via closed circuit video so that she would not have to come in contact with the abuser. I prayed that the judicial system would not fail her and no matter what the verdict- I consider this piece a win. She set a precedent and hopefully this will mean less victims will be subjected to the re-traumatization of facing their abuser. Especially kids.

Of course tomorrow is the permanency hearing so life may be a mixed bag tomorrow. We'll see if the judge in her juvenile case steps up and stops the madness of limbo.

At dinner tonight Jelly Bean finally asked - why wasn't her Mom there. Then said her first name an asked why she wasn't there. Isn't this important? Then Little Mama asked: Was she supposed to be there?

Fan flipping tastic questions kids. I wonder the same thing. Same as when she misses your mental health meetings. Same as when she missed your school functions we included her in and the visit last week.

Somehow I managed to sensor my response and came out with a "I'm not really sure." That was not accusatory. I'm sure though, that tomorrow she'll show up and tell the judge how much she loves you and how she's ready to parent you full time and how she has the ability to do so.

Goal Change

So we had the 2nd 1/2 of the permanency hearing today. The goal was changed from return home in 12 months to return home in 5 months. Apparently, this qualifies Mom for some housing grant. The state is concerned that in light of her not currently being employed (yep) that she will be unable to maintain the housing.

The judge didn't seem convinced as she shot down the departments request to be able to grant Mom custody down the road.

Thankfully, it was pointed out that 1)the kids need room and that is a concern with her history of sharing a room in a house 2) the kids are not the same that lived with her previously - their expectations are WAY different 3)the deserve to know that their supports will stay in place.

We left court feeling a little more comfortable that perhaps the state sees that there isn't a long term solution here an they are trying to document it. And we know that they will probably be here for Christmas.

We have another hearing in November to see if she's been able to get the housing and employment figured out. Considering this is at least the 5th job and the 6th home I'm not real confident that this grant will be the magic ingredient to turn it all around.

Plus we get the sense that everyone believes they will implode before then. Which, if the kids behavior transfers over to her home (I had a kid punch someone today and another who chose bad words then raged at day care) shouldn't take too long.

And despite taking 4 hours off work today I ended up being there 7 hours. I am wiped. I feel like I got hit by a truck. My anxiety medication wore off about 2pm and then my body crashed from the adrenalin. I sooo need a break. Saturday morning can not come soon enough!

Permanency Hearing

It's not a good thing when the judge's first words are something along the lines of we have slow progress and I'm not sure if we are going to get there at all... The state asked for a ruling on progress. GAL told the judge the kids are manifesting anxiety physically. Judge ruled there was progress and therefore no grounds for termination. She did encourage the group to consider other alternatives such as guardianship.

Normally when I leave court I feel defeated. Hopeless. And even though this means that we are likely in for another 1-2 years of foster parenting that at least DCFS, the state, and the GAL all see that Mom won't be able to parent her kids (she's too busy trying to blame everyone else to put the energy into dealing with her own issues and learning how to be the Mom her kids need to be). I feel validated. And I feel that the court is not going to send the kids home until they feel safe.

The new strategy is to give Mom the time with her kids that she's asking for to prove that she can parent them. We know what happened before and at this point I'm pretty sure the kids are going to test and test and test her until she breaks.

And while we had said at one point if there wasn't an end in sight at this juncture we would disrupt - we have changed our minds and decided these are our kids. (And while we do not get enough stipend to cover all their expenses it would be nice to have day care paid for until they are all in school full time.)

Guardianship would allow her visitation and the right to consent to adoption and that's not the permanency that the kids or us seek. And the case worker didn't think Mom would go for that.

The kids were granted a meeting with the judge in a month. Then we have the 2nd part of the permanency hearing. In September. Perhaps with more time and more bond between all of us we'll be at a better place.

We spent yesterday at a psychiatrist appointment for Jelly Bean and the park with Mom and all 6 of us. She asked some basic questions about Jelly bean medications but it seems she think JB will "outgrow" her mental health issues. This alarms me because I'm fairly certain her issues will be life long.

At the park she had a very hard time keeping an eye on all 4 kids and giving them the attention they sought. JB fell and played the martyr and Mom was all concerned poor baby. I said Gee JB if you are that hurt maybe we need to go home. With that she popped up. Mom look startled. She had no clue she wasn't really hurt. JB also hung all over Mom the entire time. Smothered her as if to say I love you more I'm affectionate. It actually made me really uncomfortable and I'm not sure why. It managed to really tick off her sisters. And I suspect this is going to create an issue shortly.

But we had to stand back and let her try to handle it. In the end the kids were very worn out. So it was really fun getting the up at 5:30 this morning for a graduation.

But as I'm sitting here at the graduation here is the dream in my heart: The year is 2022. And we are anticipating Little Mama's name being called to watch her receive her college Degree. Gabby is 2 years away from hers and JB just graduated High School and Mr. Mohawk graduated from Junior High. I'll be beside myself with pride while I sit with my Mother on one side and their Mom on the other.

Shaken Loose

I wrote this on the 20th and it didn't publish.

So we had a status hearing today. Judge granted DCFS discretion to allow unsupervised visits. They won't begin happening anytime soon and I'm pretty sure that the kids therapists are going to fight pretty hard against it so I'm not worried. The judge cautioned everyone to tread carefully.

Then the kids attorney called us in a room. And shared information with us that let's us know she gets it. She sees the problems we see. And she is going to fight for my kids to have stability.

Finally I feel like we are headed towards an end. We have a long road but at least I don't feel like no one is listening anymore.

Back to Reality

So it looks like our vacation from visits is over. The hearing to reinstate visitation was last week and of course visitation was granted. Thankfully they judge (and the caseworker) took the advice of the kids' therapists and will require that visitation happen only in the community or at the DCFS office and with a supervisor more equipped. The other suggestion was to have at least 1 family therapy session prior to and split the kids up at visits.

So the part of me that already hates the schedule we have is really irritated by the dual visits. I have to be reminded that not being able to control all 4 children together for 5 hours and having visits moved to only 2 kids and in public doesn't look good. Especially at almost 2 years in. And that the kids will be more safe this way. And hey on the bright side transportation will be easier as Mom moved to our town. (Please read this as sarcasm.)

And now a word about attornies. Infuriating. Mom's attorney claims Mom was using a bear hold she learned in a parenting class during the incident. She stated that since Gabby didn't want to go to visits it was convenient that she is the only one who witnesses anything. And after all Foster Mom herself has had to restrain Jelly Bean at times. (So this is where the adrenaline completely took over and burned up all of the anti-anxiety pill I took.)

Excuse me? 1) of course your client denies any responsibility and blamed the kid. That's her MO. That's why they've been living with me. Shirk the responsibility and blame someone else even if it is your kid. 2) Gabby would have no way of knowing that visits were going to stop for 6 weeks. 3) Gabby doesn't lie. She may omit but her details were clear, reasonable and repeated the exact same way several times. 4) There is a big difference between a foster parent the child trusts restraining a child banging her head against furniture and walls to prevent her from harming herself and an abuser picking the child she abused up out of be in anger to force her in time out.

Crushed

So we had the status hearing yesterday. I bravely told the judge what Gabby was feeling- she's done. She's vomiting. She doesn't want to go home. She doesn't want to have visits. The judge basically said too bad. The goal is return home. Despite a psychiatrist recommendation and her therapists supporting her assertiveness she told me the child doesn't get to hold the power and will need to see her mother. The judge feels Mom is doing well and is making progress. Although we found out the changes to the therapy schedule are due to a job Mom got-3 hours away and she will be staying with a friend and coming back on the weekends. So no more Friday family therapy and no more individual visits. The only day she is now available to see her kids is Saturday.

But the judge made it clear. Goal is return home. So now shell be spending less Tim with them. Family Therapy will have to be put on hold until a weekend provider can be found. Isn't that stepping backwards?

So we spoke with case worker about the mandate for Gabby. Basically she said Mom doesn't notice her feelings because she hasn't lived with her for 19 months. And it's easy for me since I live with her. I really wanted to scream.

Well how the HELL is it going to change of you can't find a Spanish speaking parenting coach, and the visit supervisor isn't qualified and Saturday is the only day that any of this can be worked on?

Then We talked about getting Gabby to change her run away coping mechanism. Um excuse me but why is it up to the 9 year old to change. Why aren't we putting the responsibility on Mom to learn about her kids? Oh yeah that's right because she can't learn that and hasn't in 19 months. Heck she didn't learn in 9 years.

And the psych eval that was rumored to disclose a personality disorder only made the court empathize with her more. Apparently, they missed the part where it says you can't recover or take medication for a personality disorder. That they require extensive therapy in order to fit in to society. Oh and that caring for deeply traumatized children is hard selfless work. Work that this disorder will prevent her from being able to do.

I know I shouldn't get worked up because she's not likely to keep this job. Her track recorded isn't great. And 3 hours away doesn't seem very promising. And leaves very little time or space for transition if and when that happens. I get she's got to pay her bills but doesn't she also need to worry about getting her kids back too?

I know unfair. I'm sure she's plenty worried but it doesn't feel like that. And how many years is this judge going to give her to do this? I really don't know how 6 months is going to make a difference. Especially if therapy has to start over and she's spending less time with her kids.

Innocent Until Proven Guilty

We had quite the week. We had a mid-week visit that didn't go so great. We had a boatload of attitude and a lot of re-directing mainly because of the midweek visit. I also stumbled across the county clerk website and finally found the case listed for Jelly Bean's abuser. I felt like writing a post on this because child molestation and sexual abuse have been in the news all week due to the allegations at Penn State and their alleged cover up. To be honest I don't know all the facts. I can't read the articles about this because it makes my stomach turn. Which is also how I felt when I heard from the victim advocate this week when she told me Little Mama was going to have to testify at a pretrial hearing as this jerk isn't taking the plea they've offered him. So because he has a legal right my 11 year old who was also sexually abused now has to testify in open court. And if his creep of a defense attorney doesn't think she's credible enough my 8 year old will have to face her abuser in open court. The foster parent of the 2nd home she was in after she was taken away from her abusive mother.

I'm really tired of these kids being put through Hell and back to protect the rights of the people who have harmed them. And I feel even more weary the people like foster parents and teachers and coaches are contributing to the abuses the children in this country endure. To read about the assistant coach who WITNESSED a child being RAPED and did nothing to stop it makes me want to throw up. It makes my heart ache for the victims and their parents.

I've been parenting a sexually abused child for 9 months. When she first moved I to my house she couldn't sleep. She had nightmares. It took us hours and lots of reassurance before she would settle for bed. I don't think she fell asleep before 10 pm for the first 2 months. And I had to do all the work. My husband triggered her simply because he was a man. Then the other sexually abused child moved in and triggered the you get one and we started from square one. We have girls who are so afraid of anything remotely sexual they can't handle cartoon characters kissing. I'm told on a weekly basis that certain clothing on strangers is inappropriate. Even a routine trip to the doctor was filled with fear when she touched the lower back of a child to check on a mole.

The effects of any abuse are long lasting but sexual abuse is extra tough. I worry that my girls will head in the promiscuous direction when they hit puberty. I worry that they will never be comfortable in their own skin. I worry that they will seek out relationships with abusive men. And I worry that they will never enjoy intimacy with a loving partner.

I don't know what it's like to find out someone you trusted abused your child. Mine came with their abuse but as I head into the trial portion of what happened my mama bear is coming out pretty fiercely. I want this guy to pay for what he did to my beautiful daughter. And I hope he sits in jail while I try to help BOTH my girls recover from making sure his rights aren't infringed on. While they continue as foster kids waiting to make sure their Mother's rights aren't infringed on. (Who also to my knowledge has not asked what has happened to her daughters abuser and has no idea her other daughter has to testify.)

If there is one thing I hope the country learns is that their are countless victims of child abuse and them and their families struggle to heal. I hope the Penn State students carry out their message and promise to raise money for victims of sexual abuse and I hope that this breaks some of the silence.

*abusers are alleged and innocent until proven guilty
**this guy confessed at the DCFS office to what JB says he did but is claiming he was being held against his will. In a DCFS office. With an unlocked, open door.

The girls met the judge today. They spent nearly 2 hours with her. They brought her cupcakes they decorated in boxes they decorated. They brought a list of questions which included how much time do we have left, what happens if my Mom hits when we go home, and what's your favorite color? (Red) most of the answers were I don't know but the kids said they felt better having met her... I do too. At least now she can put a face to the reports and see how bright and talented they are. I don't know what happened I wasn't allowed in the room And I don't want to know. I wanted their voice to be heard and not mine. And I want them to know I stand behind them no matter what my heart says.

We had several breakthrough moments which included Gabby telling my husband that she needed "some time alone please because I'm really angry with you right now" during an argument. Little mama telling MM that he can put on his own clothes after months of trying to get her to stop mothering him, JB getting dressed, brushing hair and teeth and ready to go WITHOUT constant reminders and redirection and no yelling. She also apologized to the trauma therapist for the way she acted last time she was here ON HER OWN. I nearly fell over.

The Case Workers Supervisor was at court this morning (she had to wait in the hallway too). We were discussing the kids' behavior and I mentioned reading a certain parenting book and she was flabbergasted. "When did you have time to read a book while working full time parenting four kids, running them to appointments, and learning Spanish?"

On my Kindle App while in the bathroom :)