Open

When I was researching becoming a foster parent and then (years) later researching open adoption I came across all kinds of advice about contact with birth parents.  That's the beauty of the internet, right? You can put in search terms and get exactly what you are looking for. Like most things, I found a spectrum of advice:

• Openness is bad, birth parents are dangerous and they will hurt your family. Change their names and social security numbers.
• We do pictures and a private Facebook page.
• Our kids' birth parents come over for holidays. Its good for the kids to see us together.

Here is the thing, no one has the answer for your family.  You have to figure that out.  The other information out there can be helpful but in the end you aren't going to find your answer through your internet search.

Today I realized just how far I had come in my understanding of what an open adoption and co-parenting foster parent relationship means, for us. It was right after I emailed a picture of the kids and us all dressed up for Easter and Simon and Sarah's bio dad texted me to thank me for sending.  It cost me nothing to send the picture, except for maybe 30 seconds of the day.  But he got to see his children smiling, happy, well cared for and that might have meant a great deal to him.  Especially since we never made any promises to him about what contact would be after the TPR trial.

We had promised Sheila pictures at least four times a year and maybe a call. We told her we would discuss in person visits when the adoption is finalized (depending on the kids).  So far we've sent pictures nearly monthly and had calls almost as frequently.  If I'm being honest, Solana has probably been the driving force of that since December for both Sheila and us.  But again, it cost us nothing to give her 20 minutes on a phone call and some pictures. In the end thought it may make all the difference in terms of permanency for Solana.  But also my kids gained something this month.  Sheila shared stories about them when they were little.  A precious tidbit that I now am able to repeat back to them. And while all the other frustrations and issues of being the foster parent to her daughter are there, she is at least making an effort to continue to give the kids support in their adoption. Using their new names and apologizing when she forgets. 

And then there is Solana's Dad, who makes an effort to email at least once or twice a week.  Asking how we are before he asks about Solana. He responds to pictures of her with cute sayings and also sends us messages thanking us for taking care of her so well.  I'm to the point where I can see us doing a visit with him soon. (Plus he sends the expensive diapers from time to time.)

Are the birth parents in our situation dangerous? Perhaps.  Both the birth fathers have been to jail for domestic violence. Am I scared of them? No. I haven't given them our address but its probably very easy to find it. But none of them are gang affiliated or have threatened me.  We haven't gotten a Facebook Page going but I wouldn't be opposed to it.  That would mean Sheila would need to unblock me.

At some point, I envision Solana's Dad and Sheila coming to a family event. We will be talking about a park visit with Solana's Dad in the next few months. There is a need to build a strong relationship with him so that we don't loose her in our lives if she returns home and also reassure him we can be the open holiday spending version of adoption if he decides that he wants her to be adopted. 

Even the contact with the birth parents for just our family, falls on a spectrum.  We do it for our kids and also because while these individuals couldn't be parents to their kids, they do love them and it costs us nothing to be kind. I remember a moment with Maria years ago where I made the decision to treat her how I wanted to be treated if our roles were reversed.  This is the same approach and its working very well for us.

So take from us what you can, if it fits your needs.  Or if you just want to believe its possible.  I remember giving examples of blogs I read to family members that it really could be done.

What ways do you have openness in your relationships through foster care and adoption? Leave a comment, share your knowledge!

Minimum Parenting Standards- An Update

It looks like this post got some love this week in the Blog-o-sphere. I love when my old posts become new (to you) because it gives me a chance to go back and see how far we've come.

I write this blog with an honest voice: how I'm feeling at the time and what I've learned through this process. I often bristle at my own honesty and the post about Minimum Parenting Standards is no exception.  I was angry then. Angry that we had to participate in the excercise. Angry that the circus of 7 professionals made it our responsibility, and angry that the case was moving so slowly.

That post was written a year before the kids went home. And even the week they did go home, I was still unsure that Maria was going to be able to meet her kids' needs. The greatest lesson I learned was that I had to trust a broken system.

I like to think we helped in the end. In the post, I wrote I didn't want to help Maria. And I didn't then. But then it came down to: do I want to watch my kids get hurt again by failing or do I want to build them up by helping their family suceed? 

I don't think you can learn to love these kids and not pick the 2nd option. And a big piece that I was missing was that Maria really was working hard, I just didn't know any better.  She had a lot to overcome. I know that now and I tell her how proud of her I am each time we see her.

This past weekend as she sat in the passenger seat of my mini-van, she excitedly shared news of the progress on her passport, immigration paperwork, and driver's license appointment. When I wrote that post in May 2012, there was no way you could have convinced me that a trip to the movies (or away for the weekend) would be in our future. Or that I would truly be pleased for her progress or side with her on parenting decisions. "You're Mom is right" often comes out of my mouth when the kids are telling me stories.

I really wish we could get to a similar place with Sheila.  A positive, supportive relationship would be so much better for the kids.  Right now in the case, she isn't ready to view us in a positive way.  And I totally understand the point of view.  I just wish it were different and my hope is that with time, this too will change.

Back To School

Back to school time is always full of stress for kids in foster care. The Quartet have never finished a full school year in one school. Ever. 

Think about that. The school year is August through May. They have never been in one place long enough to experience a 10 month stretch. So even though they are going back to the school they went to last year, we have a lot of anxiety going on. 

This also brought on an offer from Sheila to buy the kids school supplies. So I gave her the link. Then she said she was only going to get 1/2 of the lists. Then she asked me what grade her kids were in.

I am trying very hard to focus on the offer in the first place. But I'm not going to lie. It's hard. You say you love your kids and you are working to get them back but you don't know what grade they are in? I have a hard time understanding this thinking. There is not a lot of connection and it just breaks my heart. For them and for her. 

Work with the bio parents is what they teach. Co-parent whenever possible. What does that mean? Does that mean suggest to Sheila that she avoid talking about back to school even though she dismisses it? Does that mean overlooking she missed 1/2 (52%) of her phone calls in the past three months? Does it mean invite her to Kindergarten orientation? 

My mantra over the month and a half will be- her time is limited with her children. 

What a sad thought. I actually care a great deal about Sheila. She gave birth to some pretty spectacular kids. But I'm just tired of watching them struggle.

I am also totally over bio Dad. And if I'm being honest, I could give two toots about him, his rights, or his issues. He missed 1/2 of his available visits over the last three months. How hard is it to show up to a fast food restaurant for two hours a week? Really how long should kids be subjected to parents showing up 1/2 the time? I'm thinking that 9 months is unacceptable. The point of the visits is to prove you are stable and can handle your kids. Why are we subjecting the kids to someone who clearly isn't interested?And why are we spending money that could be going towards other things like quality healthcare, mental health services, or activities for the kids and parents actually making changes? They are issuing a summons to the next court hearing because Dad has never shown. NEVER.

Simon asked me the other day why he can't have his visits on the same day again. He reasoning: because then he only has one day of visits. (Only one day of worry and inconsistency). I also tallied the days Sarah has been wetting the bed and they are always on days of contact or scheduled contact with her bio parents. 

People ask us all the time isn't it hard? My new answer is not as hard as it is on the kids. I'm an adult. I can manage the stress. The kids can't.

FAQ

The questions I've been getting often are- What about the other kids? And - How are they doing?

What about the other kids is in response to us taking on a new placement. And it's becoming annoying pretty quickly. It's annoying because it implies that somehow we've abandoned or forgotten the other kids. It's a different twist on the "don't you get attached comment". Kind of like, "didn't you get attached?"

I know the question is well meaning. I know it's mean to be of concern. But it comes across as a dig at times. I want to say, "What about them? They have moved on. I need to do that too. This is how it's supposed to work. What am I supposed to do? Quit because my feelings got hurt?" But I feel like I owe it to the kids to give a better explanation.

The other kids are excited for us. They've met the new kids and had a great time with them. We are still here to support them as much as we can. We are here to support Maria as much as we can. I feel comfortable moving forward because I believe that they have enough resources and done enough healing that me as foster mom, will not be necessary. It's time for me to open my home and my heart and help a different family.

And how are the Fab Four? They are doing ok. The girls have hit the teen attitude phase. LM got some tough love from me and an evaluation from a psychiatrist for depression and that was enough for her to adjust her attitude. JB is doing great at school and is slightly more stable in her mood swings. She is still tantruming but not as frequently. Gabby included us in her school concert this week. She is as moody as can be and hormones are to blame. MM is on meds for ADHD and he seems a little more focused. He is still not always listening but he doesn't seem to be in the middle of every issue anymore. Maria got hired full time at her job and will begin accruing vacation time. She was actually paid for Thanksgiving off this year. I told her how proud I was of her and that now, I see that she did work hard to get her kids back and she shared the judge sent her a letter to the same effect. We get to seem them every couple of weeks. They still call us Mom and Dad. We are still important in their lives and I have a feeling we may always be. 

As we move into this other case I feel wiser. We've really come a long, long way in a shorter period of time than I expected. I feel like I have a lifetime of foster care experience and I'm prepared to put it to use. In 2 weeks we will have kids living in our house again. And I'm sure this case will have quite a few blogable moments.

A Very Good Day

Here was the order:

Little Mama, Simon, Mr. Mohawk, Gabby, Smiley, Jelly Bean, Maria, Me, and Hubby. All nine of us at the movie theater. It might have taken two cars and three booster seats to get us there but we went. And even though all six kids were seated next to each other, no issues.

I missed the initial meeting but I guess all the kids were excited to meet each other.   It was another of our "either this is brilliant  or this a spectacularly stupid" ideas. Brilliant was the consensus.

After the movie we went to lunch. Split an egg nog milkshake between us girls and then headed back to hang out at our house. 

If you had told me last year that in 364 days I would have driven 40 minutes to pick up the gang, happily paid for a movie and lunch and then invited everyone back to hang out at the house and eventually end up watching the Blackhawks game with us nine plus my parents, I would have told you, you were out of your Ever. Lovin. Mind.

I was blissfully happy today. Everyone was smiling. Laughing. Giggling. Playing nicely. Maria felt so comfortable she actually fell asleep on our couch. (Everyone falls asleep on it. It is the black hole of couches.) 

After dropping the Fab Four off I came in to check on Simon and Smiley. Simon was still awake. He was laying there smiling. He told me the reason he was smiling was today was a really fun day.

Yes it was. This is the part where foster care doesn't suck. Moments and days like today when kids get to have fun. Where parenting is a joy. When the system really puts back together a family and they become successful. When the adults decide to let the kids be the focus and something great becomes of it.

I'm sure to the people who came across us today we looked like an odd group. We got a few stares when we walked in with six kids. Go ahead and stare. This is what true love looks like. 

I'm Rusty

I forgot how stressful redirection can be. It was constant this past weekend. Jelly Bean just could not get it together. Over and over and over and over again.

The minute they got in my car Friday we went over the house rules. We went over the activities and then I answered to Mom a gazillion times. But that didn't matter because she basically broke every.single.one. And I know its testing. But it was exhausting. I mean been there. Done that. Bought the T-Shirt. There were no major incidents just a constant need for negative attention.

The really big thing was she left the door to the garage and the house wide open. So of course the dog got out. I have no idea how long he was outside and thankfully he stuck close by because when Gabby went outside to look for him he came right to her. But I was so upset I told the kids they needed to find a separate corner of the house where I couldn't see them. Ok. I yelled it. So the oldest two were crying and I couldn't find the youngest two when I came back to get to the bottom of who left the doors open. Apparently, Get to a corner where I can't see you meant hide to them. So we called them they came out of  - you guessed it - separate corners.

There is no road map for this. And I admitted to myself this weekend that this is hard. And I can't expect them to respond and act the way they had been because its been 5 months and there are in a new world. And at this point, I'm glad they are. Mr. Mohawk told me how he had to draw a really good picture for school. He drew his family. He drew me, Hubby and "my other Mom". Which made me smile.

There were lots of really great moments in between the redirection. So all was not lost. In fact, we had a fun weekend. And we laughed. A lot. Which is probably what I miss the most. When I dropped them off and no one cried (including me) and Maria gave me a bag full of fresh from the field corn (seriously I don't know who she thinks I'm feeding) and her friend was bringing in pumpkins for the kids to carve everything seemed like it was in the right place. And thats really all I can ask for.

Working With Birth Parents

If you have followed my blog you know that I have not always been easy on birth parents. In fact, I have been critical, judgmental, tough, frustrated, and angry. And then this amazing thing happened: I learned to work with and form a relationship with the Birth Mom of my former foster kids. I would NEVER in a million years have believed that I could do that with any birth parent, particularly this birth parent.

I thought I would share how I got enough perspective to reach this point. It was not easy. And it was definitely a process. And I'm not sure if I read someone else's story that I would have followed their advice. But I did read about other foster parents who had openness with former foster placements and I found it helpful to know that others managed to make it work (even if I thought they were crazy).

1) Realize that the Birth Family comes from a completely place.

Not just a different city or county but a different culture, set of experiences and lifestyle. I know that this is discussed in most foster parenting classes. But take everything you know and throw it out the window. I had no reference point of where Maria came from. 

It became painfully obvious how different we were the time I took her to a burger place and she tried to order soup. Why did she order soup? Because she wouldn't dream of paying $8 for a hamburger and couldn't read anything on the menu. Could you imagine living in a world where you only understand a teeny bit of what is going on around you if you leave your house? What if your house changes every few months? When you move every few months you don't have "things". No lamps. No dressers. No plates or silverware. 

2) Realize that the birth parent, at some point, has also had trauma and has likely been a victim.

It was really easy for me to hold it against Maria that she was in an abusive relationship even after she had been arrested for domestic violence against her children and in therapy for a year. A year? This woman had had 20+ years of trauma and violence against her, much of it at the hand of her own relatives and people who claimed to care about her. A year of therapy (with the wrong therapist IMO) wasn't going to make a dent.

As I watched her with her kids, a lot of her actions reminded me of the traits in her kids that needed healing. And healing takes time. And healing can be exhausting. Then add having every move you make analyzed and documented. And no one there every day helping you. In fact, in some instances she had people working against her. There was no therapeutic parent working with her daily like her kids had. Seeing her in this way allowed me to stop vilifying her and see that she really needed my help.

3) Remember your role and where the bar gets set.

My role as a foster parent is to help reunify a family and advocate for the children in my home. Sometimes those two responsibilities conflict. And sometimes you believe they conflict. At the end of the road, it became clear that I needed to do a better job of remembering my role is also to help reunify a family ahead and put aside my own feelings. 

Those are my kids. Even now, 5 months later, it is hard for me to think of them in any other way. But the aren't really my kids. They are hers. And while I believe it is my job to love and protect and act as Mom to any child in my care, I'm not their forever mother until a judge tells me so. That means sometimes you have to revisit your purpose and your role. That means that if the case has made it to the point where overnight visits are happening and the judge moves to move the children home, you have to trust that everyone did their part just as well as you did.

 

In the end, being able to say to a biological parent, "These kids need to go home to you. Back and forth doesn't make sense." allowed me to stay in their life. It allowed her to begin to see me as someone other than the enemy.

 

It also helps to remember that the bar of acceptability gets set at good enough. Minimum parenting standard. And while it stinks because every kid deserves better than the minimum, this isn't the way it works.

•  Can the birth parent clothe the children? The answer is yes if the clothes are clean and acceptable for the weather. They do not have to match. They do not have to fit nicely. They do not have to be permanent stain free.
• Can the birth parent shelter the child? Sharing a room with mattresses on the floor is acceptable to the state. Matching bed spreads and bunk beds with guard rails need not apply.
• Can the birth parent ensure the child gets an education? Are they showing up to school pretty much? Are they mostly doing their work? Then the birth parent has been successful. 3 grades behind? Perhaps they kind find a tutor at the library.
• Can the birth parent feed the child? Did they sign them up for the free breakfast and lunch? Did they eat dinner (even if it only consists of eggs, beans, and tortilla)? Are they malnourished?
• Can the birth parent keep the child safe? Do the kids have access to a phone? Is there a lock on the door? Is the birth parent at least attempting to keep away harmful people? If so then this standard is met.

 

Post reunification both of us have really worked to respect the other. She has tried to share her children with me and I've tried to share my knowledge with her. We have not really come to blows over an issue or a disagreement and I think that's because we are both really trying very hard. I remember that just because her way is not my way does not mean it is wrong. I have nearly forgotten the things that made me crazy in the past because now they won't do me any good.

 

I hope that the above helps. It is not easy. Foster care and foster parenting never is. but it is so rewarding. And there are so many families that need our help.

 

 

O'hana

O'hana means family. It's also a way that families live in Hawaii. Extended family in one house. We did our own little family trip and lived as one family for a weekend.

We own a timeshare (This is how I can afford to travel as much as I do. Afford being a relative term as if we didn't have a time share I wouldn't have to work.) and all of our resorts are set up like condos. Separate bedrooms, kitchen, laundry, living room. It's a great way to travel with friends and family and we often will take family with us when we go places. 

Hubby had long suggested that maybe we would get to the point where we could go up to Wisconsin Dells with the kids and their mom. I always thought he was crazy. (I think my exact words were: Are you on crack?) She hated us. We hated her. She would then tie strings to letting the kids see us. I just felt like it was too risky. 

Maria (I've landed on a blog name for the Fab Four's Mom!) really seemed to reach out. And as she was generous I figured we could be too. I'd long since felt she needed a parenting coach and since its was hard to do this over the phone I figured, why not? What's the worst that could happen? 

I figured the worst would be boundary issues. Or maybe she would hate us. She really got on board with allowing the kids to see us so I figured we'd just go for it.

I'm glad we did. It was a great weekend full of learning. Us learning about her. Her learning some more parenting skills, and the kids learning that we were a united front. I actually felt kind of bad for the kids. With so many adults all on the same page it was hard to be sneaky.

Gabby and Mr. Mohawk didn't have too many issues happening. They seemed to just enjoy being with everyone. Gabby did complain about JB but that was mainly because she was being pushed out attention-wise and it was easier for her to be mad at JB than it was for her to be mad at LM. 

JB had been having a particularly tough time. She had made some false accusations against Maria (How do I know they were false? She claimed there was no food in the house. Problem being that LM gained like 15 pounds since the move. And I'd been there and seen the food.) and had been throwing tantrums so severe the police were called. Three times.

We had seen the kids the Monday before we left and set the consequences for the week that they would miss pool time for issues until we left on the trip.

Apparently this was still not enough for JB as she managed to steal laundry money to buy ice cream. Unfortunately, Maria didn't connect this incident with a consequence and when JB asked for a milkshake on the way up she gave it to her.

So there was a lesson about logical consequences. If the kid steals for dessert she gets no dessert. And when she lies about it when asked the punishment gets doubled. There was no dessert the rest of the weekend for JB. She ended up with almost 2 hours of sitting watching the rest of the group go off to the pool. And we left her with Grandma who gave her a second lecture. 

Very quickly we sized up one major problem that Maria had asked for help with.  Why was JB acting out so much? Little Mama. LM was attached at the hip to Maria. Literally. Maria went left, LM went left. Vigilant watch of her Mother was taking place and the moment any other child needed her, LM edged them out.

LM has been having stomach pain. Maria has taken her to the doctor and none of the tests show anything wrong. The first night we got up to the resort at bedtime and LM complained of pain and asked to sleep in Maria's room.

Maria asked if I was okay with it because she was worried about her during the night being in a strange place. I told her it was her decision but ok because she felt LM was sick. (I did not believe for a second she was in that much pain. And I wasn't about to point out the kid had been to the resort 5 times previously.) and it was midnight and we still needed to go to the grocery store so I wasn't about to argue. I reiterated that it was not appropriate for adults and children to sleep in the same bed except on occasion like vacation or illness (guidelines from our state). Since this was both she allowed it.

The next day LM was fine. We discussed with Maria that now all the kids were going to expect to sleep in the room with her. She was shocked that within 20 minutes ALL of the kids in some way asked about the sleeping arrangements. From that point she hung on every move we made. Asked for help. And then put it into practice.

I also told her she needed to protect her own privacy and alone time. The poor woman was sleeping on a couch for months with no space of her own and here was the biggest bed she'd ever seen and she couldn't even enjoy it. In fact, I lectured LM about allowing her Mom space and respecting her time.

Maria couldn't believe I stood up for her and how important that made her feel. In fact, she attributed the weekend with us as the turning point in her being able to parent better and gain control of the household. She got to see that we could be strict and the kids would still love us. She also got to see the kids try to work the other adults and how they all backed us up.

We spent a great deal of time learning more about each other. And while the language barrier at times was hard to overcome, we managed. It was a relief to us that Maria was willing to trust us. And it was great for the kids to see they would still be included.  My Mom refers to that weekend as the "great experiment" as it could have failed miserably. But it didn't. In fact, is was one of the top five most important things we did as a Foster Parents to the Fab Four.

I have to brag on my family again because they went right along with our crazy plan. Pretty much didn't bat an eye. They also went out of their way to make Maria feel welcome and included. I am grateful for all of them as without them, us being foster parents would not be possible.

The Friend Request I Never Thought I Would Accept

In researching foster care I came across a lot of discussion about biological families and Facebook. It seemed to be both a blessing and a curse. A great way to share information and keep a connection but also a major source of drama and inappropriate boundaries.

Lots of people set up private Facebook groups just for their particular situation. A way to securely share photos and monitor exchange of information. Some had great relationships that led to co-parenting and continuity for the kids.

I thought these people were crazy. How could you get to a place of such giving when the system puts you on opposing sides?

While I was often frustrated and angry at the things the Fab Four's Mom, Maria, did, I learned to move on and did the unthinkable - accepted her friend request on Facebook.

I genuinely count her as a friend. She has been gracious in allowing me to see her kids and I want to make sure they succeed. I also don't want to lose them in the world and since we have no common circles it would be easy to do if she lost my number or got a new phone.

Here's hoping we cultivate the positive, good boundary, co-parenting relationship.

Blown Away

A lot of people looked shocked when I told them about this weekend. I'm sure nearly all of them were thinking I had finally cracked up. I mean who would chose to spend an entire weekend with a woman who fought so hard against what I wanted?

I'm sure people said the same thing to her. After all, I fought against her too. Both of us mothers believing we were right, neither of us seeing that down the road maybe we could share.

Truth is we need each other. She needs my help and I need her kids. And tonight, several times, she asked me for that help. She said- I'd like to get closer to you because I really need your help. I don't know what to do when this happens.

Of course she does. I needed help too. I read books and forums and blogs and joined support groups to figure out how to help these kids. I had a fantastic Mom who showed me what safety and love were growing up and I had a support system and a husband to help me help these kids. She has none of that. N.O.N.E.

If foster parenting classes don't prepare foster parents for foster kids- then why would we expect parents who needed their kids in foster care to be any more prepared? Ask anyone involved in the triad- the system is broken and many, many people don't get it.

So on the last day of May- Foster Care Awareness Month I began a weekend of co-parenting with the biological mother of my re-unified foster kids. She said- I'm happy they have two Moms and a Dad.  I said she's stuck with me for life. 

And as we spend the weekend in a place the system forbid me from going the last time I asked, I can't help but tear up. Because I never thought I'd get to see them go down water slides again. I never thought I'd get to see them enjoy my Mom's cooking. Or see my God Daughter call kids her own age her cousins. And now I'm picturing their quinceneras and graduation and weddings. And perhaps a Christmas or two for good measure. 

We set out to grow our family and we certainly have. I never expected that to include a woman my own age but it did. And my heart is so happy. 

And one of the coolest things that happened tonight? Mr. Mohawk took his Mom out to the balcony and said, " Mom! I want to show you the stars."

Oh the possibilities in the stars! 

My Village

Hubby suggested taking the kids and Bio Mom with us. (She needs a Blog Nickname- I'm open to suggestions.) I rejected it at first and then Gabby went with my Mom and Bio Mom allowed so I thought, well maybe it would be good.

She has reached out. She really does want help. I really want to give it to her but since its more along the lines of parent coaching we need to be in the parenting moment for it to happen. 

This could be a terrible disaster. But it also could be the most helpful 2 days for my kids' family. And we did set out to help the entire family.

Even my Mom is looking forward to this. She's making her famous spaghetti and meatballs. My aunt practically cried when I told her. Relieved, that she does get to see the kids again. My brother ever the protector- worried that we would somehow get hurt but was all for spending the weekend with this extended family.

I never thought we would get here. I never thought I would get here. In fact, nothing scares me about this weekend. I'm so excited. The guilt about hurting my family with such a loss is fading. 

Maybe I'm naive. I certainly see where pitfalls could be. But I'm choosing to stay positive and remain a support. To pass on the tools I've learned to a person who doesn't have the skills to get them on her own. After all, she chose to share her kids with me when she didn't have to.

If you thought I was crazy before...

So we decided to invite Bio Mom up with the Fabulous Four to a water park get away next weekend. She said yes.

And here I was worried about blogging material...

Things I'd love to say

I'm sorry. I'm not picking up your call because: I worked 60 hours this week while juggling disregulated kids, principals calling, teachers calling, meetings interrupted by meltdowns, a visit, therapy and court. I've sat down for the first time all week with my family and they are actually calm which may only last for the next 15 minutes.

I realize you are calling to check up on the kid who missed her visit today because she was sent home for throwing up. I'm pretty sure she's just fine and that her throwing up had more today with her visit today and the plan to start unsupervised visits tomorrow since you haven't really convinced her you're a safe parent. Don't worry. I'm sure she'll be there tomorrow because if she isn't she'll have to miss a birthday party and I'm fairly certain she really, really wants to go to the birthday party.

I took a little break

From blogging this past week. Truth be told I have some serious emotions going on and blogging while upset only leads to complaining. I don't want to complain.

I realized that being in limbo has started to really scare me. I'm frustrated. I'm tired of going up in down with the roller coaster. Its hard to put on the brave "everything is going to be ok" face every day for my kids. Some days it's even harder to do it for myself.

I went to family therapy with Mom this past week. Her and I and the family therapist translating. The case worker was there to observe. I'm not sure what I expected but I did not expect to come out upset. I'm not sure WHY I didn't expect to get upset. My kids come home upset - but they are confronting their abuser, their fears. Maybe it was because their abuser was confronting me.

Mom asked if I had ever spoken badly about her. She told me she felt I was over protective of Gabby after the incident that stopped visits. She told me she wanted to spend as much time as possible with her kids and could we please get these outings with all 7 of us going.

I got a chance to respond. I got a chance to tell her I'm not like the other foster parents. I got to tell her my job WAS to protect her kids. (Maybe she should pay attention to what that looks like.) I told her that pushing her kids isn't the answer and that this isn't their fault. That we are the adults and sometimes they are going to hurt our feelings. I registered the pain in her face when I explained that sometimes her kids yell at me too but it doesn't mean that they don't love me.

Then she laid on me that she moved 45 minutes away and that Saturday visits were going to be smack in the middle of the day because she needs to get home and "prepare for them".

An then the real honesty began. Prepare for them? "You need to do that the day before. It unfair to take away my entire weekend because you can't prepare for them ahead of time and you need another 1 1/2 hours. Which means i have 4 anxious kids until 10 am who return at 3 who might be able to handle life by 5. Every time you move or change jobs we've accommodated your schedule. It's not fair."

"But I need to get home and shower."

I about lost it. "Shower? I'd love to come home and take a shower. Heck I'd like to come home and pee without being interrupted but that's not how it works when you have 4 kids. You have to come home from work and be Mom. I don't get a chance to prepare. You don't either."

I asked her to explain it to me. She works a factory job. It's for health reasons. Ok so why do you need 90 minutes? Don't you see instead of the 1 1/2 days of a weekend your kids are getting now they get 1 day. 1 day off from foster care. And do you care at all that it also means Hubby and I get only 1 day off then?

Ultimately, she didn't. She ended up saying that she was the Mom and she gets her time with her kids and she didn't care if it upset me.

I understand why the kids get so frustrated. I pointed out that she just got done asking me to spend extra time with her so she could see her kids more but she couldn't knock off an hour of shower time? Where is the working together. Where is the flexibility? And I walked away feeling two could play at that game - which isn't how I want to feel or approach the situation. And in the end it won't be because it would only hurt the kids.

In the end the visit supervisor took care of the schedule issue as she told Mom her visits will start at 9 and she'll have to make it work. Even though I had no input and this person didn't know about the issue I'm sure it will be blamed on me.

Working through relationships is hard and I've just has so much hard lately. I'd love something easy. Like a trip to the bathroom without interruption...

Connections

The kids have started individual visits again. These individual visits began last year before Jelly Bean's Hospitalization and the incident in February that caused visits to stop.  The purpose of this time with Mom is to allow her to re-connect with her children since she hasn't lived with them for 2 years.  One of the "theories" as to why this case had not progressed to return home was because Mom wasn't receiving enough time with her children and therefore could not bond with them. (In reality, she has trouble juggling all four of them at once and was not able to bond with them at family visits.)
Two days a week the kids will alternate 2 hours of alone time with Mom. I was hopeful that this time around with the direction of the team and the family therapist she would really try to use this time to connect.

Mom has a lot of work to do where attachment and bonding are concerned.  If the court could ruled on termination based only on "where the children feel love from" we would be in adoption proceedings. Mom's own attachment and trauma don't allow her to connect to her kids in a way that they understand. And because of her defense mechanisms she does not see that they don't connect to her.  She also seems to lack a desire to learn about her kids as she often does not remember details about them such as their favorite colors or likes/dislikes in food. It is my opinion that this individual time should be used to learn these types of things. But as we all know is that my opinion is never heard and no one cares (until a bunch of professionals get in a room months later - say the same thing I did and then its a brilliant idea.....)

On Jelly Bean's first individual visit her Mom took her to see a movie... That's right a movie where you sit side by side in silence. Did I mention that Jelly Bean was grounded?

And yes, the caseworker was aware that this was the plan.

So the kids come home from family therapy and tell me their Mom is taking them on their visit to a movie Saturday. She wants to take them to see Girl in Progress. A PG -13 movie about a Hispanic single mother and her daughter. Which the family therapist apparently explained to Mom what PG-13 meant when Little Mama said to her "My foster parents don't let me see movies rated PG-13 or R".

I had sworn to myself I was going to stay out of the movie thing. If she thinks movies are the way to connect to her kids so be it. If she would rather spend the 2 hours a week she gets alone with her child not speaking to that child then I was going to let that speak for itself.  I realize she's attempting to provide fun for her kids but I just want to shake her and say - You can take them to a movie every weekend if you get them back.  Fix whats broken, build the trust, BE A MOM. All Mother's want their kids to have fun but parenting isn't all about fun.  The majority of the time it is hard, uncomfortable work. Sadly, her children understand this and when they see that she can't handle or attempt the mundane parenting they see me and my husband do they continue to reject her efforts.

But of course I couldn't let it ride when I pictured them coming home from seeing a movie with their Mom about a hispanic Mom and Daughter with a rocky relationship where the Mom chooses Men and the daughter trys every angle to get her Mother's attention. The desire to not have to pick up the pieces of a trigger like that won out over the potential to document more poor parenting choices.

So I texted the case worker. After explaining a little she texted back that she agreed it wasn't an appropriate movie. It will be interesting to see what they actually end up doing.

Co-Parenting

So we went to the doctor's appointment.  Gabby, Jelly Bean, Me and their Mom.  And boy did I mess up. I had the wrong appointment time and the doctor had left.  Luckily they could see us next weekend but that messed up some other plans.

At least she saw that I'm not perfect, that was Hubby's take.  (It's the first time I've missed an appointment like this but still....) So I apologized and then decided we could go get a meal together.  We talked. In both Spanish and in English.  She told me she's going to be taking an ESL class. I told her she was off to a great start. I fumbled with my words.  She complimented my ability to write in Spanish.  The kids called us both Mom.  We understood. 

I was not nearly as nervous as I though I would be.  It seemed fine.  Maybe I softened a bit?  Maybe this can work?  Maybe we can become a family?  Ordering our meal I realized how hard it must be to not be able to read a menu.  And while she commented on how in the 6 months she lived in another state she was unable to get a medical card or food stamps for the kids I realized how vast the difference in our lives really is.

We both tried and that's what counts.  There was only one moment that was uncomfortable and it was when Jelly Bean said how fun it would be for her Mom to come to Disney World with us.  There was a pause and I could see the hurt in her face.  I know its a sore subject.  She said so at the meeting.  I said that maybe someday that would be possible. 

I saw a happier woman in front of me.  That made me glad.  She let me in some and I let her in some.  I shared my illness and my depression.  She shared some more of the kid's birth stories and I know that made them happy.  It would have been a perfect afternoon except for the steely silence I got from Little Mama when I got home.  And my fantasy that this will be a smooth, easy transition to co-parenting shattered.

New meaning to one day at a time....