Today's Trigger Brought To You By Mangos

I spent a lot of time this weekend rocking my children. It's a little more difficult to do when they are 10 years old but that's what trauma looks like.  Today's trigger was a mango.  Like the fruit.  It reminded one of a former foster home and all of the loss came crashing down around her.  Then the other one felt the loss and it all came crashing down on her.  It was a repeat of a few days earlier, post visit with Sheila. The letter with the questions was left behind and hat caused upset. Then Smiley and Simon decided to scratch and spit on each other in the car on the way home from the visit.  (They spend an hour driving each way.) So they went to bed crying while the other two cried about the letter and the loss of their Mom.  Stella was also upset about the baby clothes that she saw in the closet. Complex feelings for kids all under the age of 10. 

We went over again the reasons the kids are being adopted, "Remember how we discussed your Mom's problems with depression and how she choses relationships where people got hurt? The judge said she didn't fix the things that she needed to prove she could take care of you?  She loves you, she just can't take care of you like she needs to."

Stella isn't sure she wants to be adopted today.  And that's ok.  We reassured her that she can feel that way.  We went over the importance of sharing those feelings and reminded her that we understand that and that she won't hurt our feelings. 

She has lost so much. siblings, family, culture.  She's never had stability for more than a few months.  All of this is scary. "I must try and control everything and be perfect" kind of scary.

Sarah had a tough weekend with loss but also with her PTSD.  Loud noises and sirens are a big trigger for her PTSD.  We know she struggles with fireworks so we tried to prepare for that. We talked about it, we bought her ear plugs and we gave her the choice to stay home from the fireworks show (special time with Dad). Nope. She was going. And she decided that she wanted to try to watch without her ear plugs. She was a little skittish but as we waited for our town's show to start we could see 3 other neighboring towns.  She started out sitting and watching them on her own.  When it got to be a little much she came and sat on my lap  She had no issues until the finale. I think the noise was just too fast for her to calm herself down between the booms. What I love, though, is as soon as she's regulated she's like "that was awesome".  She just get right back up.

After his sisters melted down at dinner, I checked in with Simon.

"Simon, how are you feeling about all this stuff?"

"I'm kind of excited to be adopted." It's that simple for him.

Smiley, she acted out about the visit in the car and that was about it. My guess is she didn't get much attention and whatever attention she did get was negative as the kids fall into bad habits at visits. Of course everyone was like "Little miss smiley scratched someone? I don't believe it!" She's generally happy and smart and a little lady. Seriously, the kid wears a dress or skirt all.the.time. Most mornings she tells me she has nothing to wear. She has a great giggle and a beautiful smile and so its hard to believe she's the most stubborn kid I've ever met.  When she doesn't want to do something she doesn't do it.  One day she will use her powers for good instead of evil. :)  
 

An Udate to Grief Too Big

This post written back in October, is one of the most read on the blog.  I wrote it after an incredibly hard night for Simon. 

The first time I sat down with the therapy team to learn the results of his trauma assessment I cried.  He scored in the 90th percentile for anxiety.  That meant if he was in a room of 100 kids, he was more worried than at least 90 of them. He was diagnosed with PTSD.  We were waiting to rule out an attachment disorder. It all sounded so hopeless.

He was fidgety. He had no idea how to ask for help with anything. His voice was barely audible. He cried a lot. Even if you hadn't said anything.  The rest of the time he had a fake smile plastered on his face. He couldn't tolerate a hug, it was visibly uncomfortable for him. He felt he was better than his sisters because he had a Bio Dad and they didn't.

If I'm being really honest, as I look back, I had a tough time coping.  I had no idea what to do with a kid I couldn't hug or soothe.  I had a hard time feeling connected to Simon. I felt like I was failing him.  I felt like I wasn't ever going to feel like he was mine.  As the walls came down, I could see he desperately wanted to be connected to me, just as I wanted to be connected to him.

So I made an effort to praise him.  Encourage him. Notice him. Tell him I needed him and that I missed him. I stood up for him when his sisters were talking over and for him.  (With 3 sisters its easy to lose your voice.) We bonded over his love of anything I put on a plate for him. In return, he thanks me every night for cooking. I proudly displayed his artwork. He got into giving us head rubs and back rubs as a way to care for us and control safe touch.

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Paper flowers Simon made me. Proudly displayed in an antique vase my Grandmother gifted me.

We've noticed he has made a lot of progress over the past year.  He can articulate his feelings and does so unprompted. Yesterday he waited a little while after Smiley got in trouble to come to me and ask:

"Mom, are you still mad? Because if you aren't, I was going to ask if you needed a hug."

Not only did he want to comfort me, he realized that I need some space when I'm upset.

Today he burst through the door when I picked him up from daycare:

"Mom you are going to be so happy! I have great news! Dad got picked to be my chaperone for my field trip!"

 Perhaps the biggest example of the connectedness is how he was feeling about visits with his Mom. Or rather, the lack of visits as the missed visit this past week will mean no visit until next month (8 weeks).  As his sisters cried their eyes out, he sat next to me just listening.  I mentioned to him that he seemed ok with the news that there wouldn't be a make-up visit.

"Sometimes I like staying home and spending extra time with you and Dad."

In my head I said,  "Aww, you are totally my favorite child today! Could you explain it to your sisters?"

I actually said, "And you can absolutely feel that way!"

Attachment will slide back and forth. I totally understand that.  We will go back to testing our attachment and commitment.  But this week this is where we are in our journey.  We are connected.  To each other. My creative, sweet, intelligent, messy little boy. I love you so!

 

 

Dios Mio!

Oh.my.goodness. We have had a night. I was all set to write this great post about how I totally avoided the danger zone and stayed calm and therapeutic recognizing that 1) it's spring break 2) tomorrow is a visit 3) it's raining. Right up until Smiley lied about going to the bathroom and washing her hands and then threw a screaming, kicking tantrum about going to bed. 

Yeah at that point I wasn't so calm. And when you are screaming so loudly that you don't want to go to bed and now you are going to do what I said because you are in trouble it really is time for bed. I don't care if you want to go or not. I want to go to bed. 

The therapists have told us that Smiley draws rain in all her pictures. It represents sadness for her. So when she had her second crying jag within in about of picking her up I was racking my brain. And the thought hit me so hard I actually gasped. Today we had the first rain storm since she's lived with us. (Because we live in Chicago and we move have had snow storm after snow storm.) I wonder if there was a trauma event when it was raining. 

It could be that or the other triggers of not a normal routine due to spring break and a visit tomorrow. Smiley refused to talk to Sheila during her call and then broke down afterwards saying she missed her mom.

Simon also struggled today. He wasn't following directions and I had to raise my voice because he was acting silly in a parking lot. He also left the grocery bag with the fresh bread in it on the floor and the dog managed to eat it before I caught the mistake. He feels so deeply and was so upset with himself I ended up popping him up on my hip like a toddler to help him calm down.

These kids were neglected and they have no idea how to self sooth. And I am a yeller by nature so I have to really work to keep that in check. Overcoming the neglect is going to be hard work. Even though I have three kids who should be able to do a lot on their own they really need mothering and attention like three two year olds would. 

I have a feeling Thursdays are going to be rough for a while.