You have a Unique Life Situation

Questions are a part of Foster Care. I encourage questions as I think more awareness is needed about child abuse and how the system works - and how little sense it makes sometimes. New foster parents always wonder how to handle the questions and responses we get over and over. For example:
How do you do it?
Aren't you going to miss them when they go home?
Do they miss their Mom? Even though they have you?

We also get comments:
You're a saint.
I could never do that. I'd get too attached.
The kids are so lucky to have you.

I think you have to find what works best for you in order to deal with these types of responses to people finding out you are a foster parent. For myself, I have some standard answers:

We make it work. It's not without stress but it is totally worth the reward.
Of course I'll miss them. But we hope to be in their lives. And these kids gave me a chance to be a Mom and I might not get that again.
Yep they miss her very much. She's their MOM. She's all they know.

Usually to the saint or angel comment I fake humility. Other days I ignore it. And then the rest of the time I say- You give me too much credit.And to the I would get too attached I say - The kids need someone to attach to! They need to heal. I also have a very standard answer to the kids being lucky. WE ARE the lucky ones.

So now that I have standard answers to standard questions and comments I was a little thrown off this weekend by a co-worker and my new doctor.  My co-worker and I were not familiar with one another and she asked the basic getting to know you question of someone who is married: Do you have any kids?

ME: Yep. I have four foster children.  (Now in fairness it was loud in the bar we were in.)
HER: Are you serious? I'm talking about actual kids. Four? These aren't your dogs or anything are they?
ME: No I am serious. They are real live children and there are four of them.

My new doctor had seen my husband for the first time a few weeks ago and as I was describing my family he remembered him.  He didn't try to hide his opinion that this was a lot to take on for anyone and he was very candid about the fact that he was concerned this amount of stress could make my illness more pronounced.  Actually his words were "Stress isn't good for Sarcoid."

So when I told him I was concerned about my anxiety level and feeling a little blue he agreed that I probably needed some pharmaceutical help. And then nodded even more earnestly when I told him I worked full time.  "You have a full day."  During the deepest part of my illness and depression I was on an anti-depressant and it worked rather well.  He also gave me the names of two psychiatrists he likes and encouraged me to go back to therapy.  His parting comment about all this was that "You have a unique life situation that automatically sets you up for stress and depression.  We need to help you not take on too much."

Its a little too late for that.  I have to work full time to get all of our bills paid.  I have no ability to suddenly cure my incurable illness and while I might have the option to not have four foster children in my eyes that's not really an option either.  I''ll take the happy pills and learn more emotional coping skills and be on my way - thank you very much.

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