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Tuesday, January 1, 2013

If I'm Being Honest

I started this blog to document our journey but also to help others. Often times I feel stronger just by knowing someone else has been down the same path or had the same thought. The remainder of this post is brutally honest. It doesn't not mean I've stopped caring for or loving my foster children but is where I am at and I think I'll feel better if I let it out.
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I really want to be done. I'm worn out. I'm sick. I'm tired. And if the kids are returning home I want it to be soon. Like tomorrow...Because we've worked so hard to correct and heal and redirect over the last two years that its heartbreaking to watch it all be undone in a matter of a week.

I went through the months and months of struggling with these 4 to be identified by them as their parent and it frustrates me completely to have to start over again. And I just don't want to do it. I'm not interested. I stuck through it because I thought I was helping a family. Because I was holding on to hope that these kids would be mine. And now with the world telling me the overnights are starting and the kids flip flopping daily on where they want to live I just want it over with already. Let me rip the frickin band aid off the wound and give it a chance to heal. And do it quickly because I don't want to be the superstar foster mom anymore. I don't want to soothe raging children or redirect nonsense questions or clean up pee from people who are toilet trained. I no longer want to contact 5 sets of people when a kid gets a headache at school or be the emotional target practice for a birth parent and her children.

If its over, can we just please let it be over? And soon? Because at this point I really want to focus on myself and planning my next trip to someplace where I'm not responsible for everyone and everything. And I don't need written permission to go from some person I've never met.

I am sick to death of analyzing everyone's words, actions, and behaviors. I'm tired of having to process every event or slight perceived or real. And I'm really tired of before and after visit wackiness.

Everyone says she's ready. Let her deal with it. And let me be. I just want to be - with no one and nobody to question or comment on it.

6 comments:

  1. I hear you and appreciate your honesty. I hope you get what you need to make it through the end of this case, whatever that may be.

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  2. I do love how you keep it real! I pray you are given all you need and more as you endure the inevitable end to this mess.

    There is little about foster care that is pretty. The ugly seems to prevail on a regular basis. It's not easy dancing with all the crazy.

    Hang in there!! I have been where you are at more times than I can count. I too am anxious to be D.O.N.E. as well. My biggest fear on Jan. 7 is that my cherubs will remain in foster care. I want them to STAY or GO but not languish. I'm not sure I can do foster care for much longer.

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  3. R,
    I get it. It sucks. I am so sorry. Foster care can be so very disheartening. I don't blame you one bit for feeling as you do. Any sane person in a similar situation would.

    I pray there is quick resolution, either way, so that healing, for all of you, can begin.

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  4. I think it's insane the way they are transitioning these kids. I get that there has to be SOME transition but the way they are doing it seems to have no rhyme or reason to it. If you sent your post as an email to the CW, would it be treated as a disruption? Would you care if it was? I realize you want to do your best by these kids but you have done your best....and I don't think it's helping them any to have them flip-flopping between homes. Is there a definite timeline? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? If not, then stop the insanity. Firmly say by ____ date, they should be completely moved out of your house. I realize you have very little control in this situation but you should exercise the control that you do have - even if that means someone brings up the "D" word.....and you should do it without regret and without guilt and knowing you did your absolute best by these kids and that dragging this transition out longer isn't helping anyone. Good luck! AND HUGS!

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  5. I am so sorry you are in the middle of all of this and feeling this way. I think one perk foster parents have over foster-to-adopt parents is that there is no holding out hope that the child may possibly become ours. No expectations, no deep hurt. Now of course it hurts to send them off, but not nearly as deep as if we wanted adoption to be part of the plan. For me foster care is a calling, and sometimes it's seasonal for people. Some last 3-6 yrs (which is the average time length) and some stick it out for 20. When I get stressed I pray and ask God to remind me of the bigger picture, and that helps put things into perspective. Take a break once these LO's leave, but don't be surprised if your heart pulls you back. Best wishes!

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  6. Always remember this these kids before you knew one thing and one thing only. They were doomed to the only choice in life they would ever knoe existing surely putting there kids in the system as well. Now they have known you and they trust you enough to show you how they are really feeling without truely knowing themselves. Its hard i know. If you can find a way to get mom on your side convince her you really are there for her as much as the kids it does not have to be such a cold turkey all in or all out thing she might realir two days after they are home that she cannot handle them and she might just call u up. Unfortunately some moms just want the food stamps and government money they get for the kids i hope this mom really wants her kids for who they are.also keep in mind these kids want unconditional love. They want even though our mom is getting us back i can still call you and you will be there kind of love. As there mom can u set aside your lost hopes and dreams of a family where you get to keep them forever and takes these horrible transition moments and make sure they count. Go out with i love you always no matter what children come after you and even if they say i hate you remember what they mean is will you dare to be the first one to love me in spite of me?

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