Skip to main content

Broken Glass

I lost it today. We came home last night to a broken mirror while the babysitter was here and tonight I had a shattered piggy bank that was a Christmas gift.

Now I know they were accidental. No one threw anything but seeing the broken pieces of the pig caused me to loose my sh*t. I unraveled. In a big way. And after my meltdown there was processing. And honesty about the fact that this is it. They either speak up and fix the issues with their Mom and do so by being honest and real or they go home and there are still major issues.

I took a major time out. Then I made dinner and made it movie night so we were all together. I think one of their big things is they feel I haven't spent enough time with them because they have spent so much time with their Mom and I worked late a few nights this week.

We watched Singing in the Rain and Mm kept asking if they were going to sing the song but did so by actually singing the lyrics. An then I sent them to bed and the girls managed to fight and try to engage me in policing it.

I didn't. I calmly said that I had sent them to bed and it did not involve breaking up a fight over jewelry an that the jewelry should have been ignored and if they wanted to continue to tattle to me about the jewelry I was going to make the jewelry unavailable for discussion. (The way this happened though was JB coming downstairs asking for a notebook to journal her feelings in. Ooh Mr. Masked Motive how I've missed your wiley ways.)

Then Gabby came down asking for a second hug complaining about her hand. And then told me she slept a good chunk during her 5 hour visit today which explained why she was wide awake at 10:30pm.

I'm hoping that school starting back up next week will lessen the craziness we have. In reading the comments in the last post, I realized that I do need a date and a plan presented to me or I will be giving them one. Hubby and I just need to get on the same page about what that date would be.

Sadly, the "if" they go home has been replaced with "when" they go home. And it breaks my heart a little each time I say it. Like the shards of the Piggy Bank. But with anything hard, the more you repeat it, the easier it becomes. Or it least I'm trying to convince myself of that. And then I whisper to my heart the same thing I whispered to LM the first night she lived here: "It will be, ok." And I wish that I could have as much strength and resolve in that, when I say it to myself, as I did when I said it to her. It hard to feel resolute when tears are streaming down your face.


  1. Wow.

    R, I want you to know I was thinking about you at church yesterday. Our Pastor was talking about transition and change, and that it is easier when we accept and allow change to occur, rather than fighting it. He likened it to ripping a band-aid off- do you want to drag out the drama, or just do it as fast as you can?

    I thought immediately of you. I pray today is better for you, and the pain will soon lessen.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

She Never Cried

Sheila called to wish Sarah Happy Birthday and she shared a story with her that as a baby she never cried. Not when she was hungry, not when she was tired, never. She never cried.
A little later Sarah said to me:
"Mom, my Mom said I never cried. I don't really believe that. That can't be true can it? Don't all babies cry sometimes?"
Oh my sweet girl. The red flag went up for her too. As I listened to Sheila share this story fondly, I felt sad. That was a sign of her RAD. That was because she couldn't count on adults. That was because she cried and no one came so she learned not to cry.
"It doesn't sound right to you, does it?"
"I know your Mom shared that story because she thinks it's cute you never cried. It made me sad. You are right babies cry so adults take care of them. You know how you had a lot of different adults that were supposed to take care of you as a baby?"
"Yeah, like 10 foster parents."
"Well …

Minimum Parenting Standards - Monday's Post

I can't figure out Blogger's time zone and I may not have time to write Monday evening so here is Monday's post.

This week we are having another "team" meeting. This time to discuss the "minimum parenting standards" that the kid's Mom has to meet in order to be "good enough" to parent them.

Now I have all kids of issues with this entire exercise. The first being that these kids deserve better than the minimum. The second, that good enough isn't going to cut it with their issues. The hardest part though is being asked to write down a guide to being their parent FOR their parent. Putting my commitment to first reunify a family to the test. It is one thing to suggest ways in which she can be a better parent and to support the goal by not bad mouthing her and encouraging the kids to share their true feelings. It is an entirely different thing to sit down and write a guide for a woman who has yet to grasp the basics after two years.

It wa…

Reader Question: Did You change their names?

Yes we did. We actually started using their new names shortly after their good bye visit with Sheila last August. So the only name that really changed this week was their last name (kind of, one of them actually had our last name). We had started using them so we wouldn't have to try to do a name change mid-school year. Plus the kids had only been in the school the last 1/2 of the year so they didn't know everyone yet. The school was great about going with the new first names.
At some point Simon spontaneously asked his teacher if he could change his name tag on his desk to our last name. He was tired of waiting on the legal stuff. He started to write Simon Almost Last Name on his papers. So we asked all the kids and they asked for the same update. Their report cards and benchmarks still had their legal names. 
The name change was a bit cumbersome at first. We sounded like owls because someone would ask for a person by their birth name and we would all answer "Who?". W…


I had some questions asked of me recently that I thought I would answer here:

1) How do you keep doing this after so much crap?
I actually had two different foster moms ask me this. One dealing with a false allegation and one in a kinship case with a pregnant, unstable bio mom.

I'm not sure I have an eloquent answer to this question. I think I've reached a point where I see the bigger picture - the kids.  That's not to say this stuff doesn't drive me nuts or make me emotional. I would be spitting fire if we had to deal with a false allegation. I'm really upset about the potential of having to make a decision about another baby. But if not me, who? We are good at this. There are kids that need me. And I probably need them. I am a caretaker by nature.  What would I be doing with myself if I didn't have 15 different obligations all at once? I have no idea because I've always been this way. And right now all of the current drama is related to my children. I s…

It is a process

It's a physical ache. A pain in the middle of my chest.  And it causes hot tears, the kind that sting my eyes.  It settled over me today and I couldn't shake it.

It started with news that more people in our lives are expecting and today, I just couldn't muster the happiness.  I heard complaints of not feeling well and my ability to plaster the smile on my face just vanished from my body. I left the house to "run an errand" but really I just needed an escape.

All week I've been able to communicate and tell people about Solana leaving without any trouble.  I probably sounded like a PSA for "How to be the role model foster parent".

People were asking:

So will you get to adopt the little one? Is she staying?

Well no, actually.  She is going home in a few weeks. That's the goal of foster care. We are really happy for her dad. He really gets it. We've built a relationship. I'm so glad she doesn't have to go through the pain of adoption or …