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Saturday, January 5, 2013

Broken Glass

I lost it today. We came home last night to a broken mirror while the babysitter was here and tonight I had a shattered piggy bank that was a Christmas gift.

Now I know they were accidental. No one threw anything but seeing the broken pieces of the pig caused me to loose my sh*t. I unraveled. In a big way. And after my meltdown there was processing. And honesty about the fact that this is it. They either speak up and fix the issues with their Mom and do so by being honest and real or they go home and there are still major issues.

I took a major time out. Then I made dinner and made it movie night so we were all together. I think one of their big things is they feel I haven't spent enough time with them because they have spent so much time with their Mom and I worked late a few nights this week.

We watched Singing in the Rain and Mm kept asking if they were going to sing the song but did so by actually singing the lyrics. An then I sent them to bed and the girls managed to fight and try to engage me in policing it.

I didn't. I calmly said that I had sent them to bed and it did not involve breaking up a fight over jewelry an that the jewelry should have been ignored and if they wanted to continue to tattle to me about the jewelry I was going to make the jewelry unavailable for discussion. (The way this happened though was JB coming downstairs asking for a notebook to journal her feelings in. Ooh Mr. Masked Motive how I've missed your wiley ways.)

Then Gabby came down asking for a second hug complaining about her hand. And then told me she slept a good chunk during her 5 hour visit today which explained why she was wide awake at 10:30pm.

I'm hoping that school starting back up next week will lessen the craziness we have. In reading the comments in the last post, I realized that I do need a date and a plan presented to me or I will be giving them one. Hubby and I just need to get on the same page about what that date would be.

Sadly, the "if" they go home has been replaced with "when" they go home. And it breaks my heart a little each time I say it. Like the shards of the Piggy Bank. But with anything hard, the more you repeat it, the easier it becomes. Or it least I'm trying to convince myself of that. And then I whisper to my heart the same thing I whispered to LM the first night she lived here: "It will be, ok." And I wish that I could have as much strength and resolve in that, when I say it to myself, as I did when I said it to her. It hard to feel resolute when tears are streaming down your face.

1 comment:

  1. Wow.

    R, I want you to know I was thinking about you at church yesterday. Our Pastor was talking about transition and change, and that it is easier when we accept and allow change to occur, rather than fighting it. He likened it to ripping a band-aid off- do you want to drag out the drama, or just do it as fast as you can?

    I thought immediately of you. I pray today is better for you, and the pain will soon lessen.