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Friday, September 28, 2012

Sometimes, You Need Your Mom

Thirty one year old women are no exception. After a very, very trying week where everyone took a piece out of me I reached my breaking point. And at lunchtime I called my Mom.

I really just needed a hug. The warmth if her cheek next to mine. Hands rubbing my back, reassuring me that I was not alone. I needed encouragement that I was doing good. That I was serving a purpose. That this feeling of unbelievable helplessness would go away at some point.

She was nearby my office and her and my Dad met me for lunch. The minute I pulled into the parking lot and I spotted them I started to cry. It was like a dam broke loose. All of the feelings came pouring out. The fear right at the very front.

I'm watching everyone around me start to break apart and close off and I don't have the luxury of doing that. I'm not built that way.

After listening to my Dad telling me I have to approach it simply and understand the kids are going home and remind me that no one would blame me if I decide to move on without them because "you've done a thousand times more what most people do"and my Mom tell me I'm a much better person than her for my commitment to not vilify the kids' Mom, I felt a little stronger. But still I was questioning all of the decisions we've made.

My Mom, in her infinite wisdom, reminded me to rely on my faith and listed all the people praying for our family. She suggested I "go back to church". Even if to "just sit in the building and meditate."

Feeling that perhaps that would help, I decided first to journal and soul search. I had no intention of blogging it because I felt that this would be a personal moment just for me. However sometimes you have to share how God works.

I have a Devotional Journal that has daily writing prompts, scriptures, and poems. I never keep up with daily journaling on paper. So I've used this journal on and off for 9 years. I only write a few sentences and leave space in case I happen upon the same date in the future.

September 28th was blank. The page was titled: It Can't Be Done.

The passage was Galatians 6:9:
Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

God's way of telling me not to give up. To give it some more time. Acknowledging that I feel weary. Everything I needed to hear so that I can continue on.

Nicely done God. Nicely done.

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