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Sunday, September 9, 2012

In a Dark Scary Place

I soo totally want to throw in the towel. I want to protect my heart. I want to bottle up the happy memories, forget the ugly ones and walk away knowing I gave it my all.

I'm in a place that scares me. And I'm not sure if I'm more scared that their Mom CAN actually do this or if she's going to do "good enough" to get them home and we'll have to start all over.

And really I'm not mad at her. I'm ticked off at the casework and family services something fierce. There is a major lack of respect for us as equals and I'm just tired of being the doormat.

I was already pretty ticked Friday when Mr. Mohawk came home with a haircut (it's not about the haircut) and found out no one told me for the last two years that I need a bioparent's permission to cut foster children's hair. When expressing my frustration the caseworker texted me to "hang in there" "she knows it's hard" and to "not be so negative".

And I'm being honest when I admit that yes, I am negative lately.

Try having someone call you every other day and TELL you what you have to do and when and it's different from what you discussed.

So Saturday as I'm shopping for my birthday with my Mom I get a call from the transport service- Jelly Bean is claiming she didn't take her pills today and is being aggressive. We will not transport her when the visit ends in 2 hours and you will need to go get her.

So the assumption was that I didn't do MY job and give her medication (which I did) and that Mom was handling everything perfectly fine.

Oh really? Because if she was she should be able to calm her down in the next 2 hours. And the medication is not magical. She is perfectly capable of raging fully medicated. So something must have set her off.

And I'm sorry it's not my job to transport. I'm not driving an hour to go get her and possibly put myself at risk. Get another driver or call the caseworker.

Apparently, the caseworker actually made the call and the decision (without our input or consent) go get her. Easy for her. No thought whatsoever about is.

This was the last straw. We will be consciously stepping back to prevent further burn out. You want to know what's going on- you will have to call me. You want to see them - sorry I need 2 weeks notice. I will not be going on extra visits with Mom or participating in family therapy. We will be taking time out to breathe.

Sorry if it makes your job harder. The kids have all lived with us for more than a year. You want to try and take them away because I'm going to become a pain- you will be discussing that with my attorney.


  1. I don't blame you either, it is so hard to be the other parent, the one who may or may not become the forever one but in the mean time your needs are secondary. You have every right to stand up for what you need as well.

    PS I do read i just never click through from google - you are great Mom and you are doing a fabulous job.