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Wednesday, July 15, 2015

If I'm Being Honest

Warning: This is a really honest post.  I fully acknowledge that towards the end of cases things get way harder for everyone.  It also gets harder to keep the rational part of my brain the loudest voice in my head.  This is not a "rah rah" post for blended families.  This is not a positive post about biological mothers.  This is my honest to goodness reaction. Its a way for me to attempt to let go of the feelings.  A place to put them so others understand if they have felt the same way.  I may change my mind later about how I feel, they are my emotions and I am allowed to feel them.  I' always telling my kids to let it out, I need to follow my own advice.

I love the feedback and honest reactions from readers - that being said please no flaming.  I'm sharing honestly so others can see how this path can feel at times.

We received a request today to move the "last scheduled visit" to a week later.  The request came from Bio Mom for her to "heal after giving birth later this month". (This visit is 3 weeks after she is to give birth.)

Because I'm me, I of course checked to see if we had anything scheduled on the new day.  Then I got really, really mad.

Why should the kids have to delay further? I mean after 3 months , what's another week? But then its the same week as school starting and the kids already had the date on their calendar.

Hubby said "its not an unreasonable request".

I said, "I don't give a sh*t. Don't get flipping pregnant. How about that? How about the last act as their Mom, you put them ahead of yourself. Nope. She's going to be selfish right up to the very last moment."

Even if she has a C-section, what exactly does she need to heal from*, 4 weeks later, that she can't spend  2 hours with her children?  Newsflash - if the baby was going home with her she would need to take the baby to doctors appointments, the grocery store, etc. She would need to be up every few hours for feedings and changing.  But she isn't doing that. Another Mom is going to do that. But I bet money she'll find away for a visit with the baby before she has "time to heal". If she had been successful in working her plan, she'd have 5 kids to take care of. So I'm really struggling with a 2 hour visit being a big deal.

I'm especially pissy about it because of all the promises she made - I'll sign the surrender, I'll meet with the kids' therapists, I'll write a letter to help the kids move on. And if she had - this would be a non-issue. I'm not over it. I'm just not. I don't even really feel like trying to get over it. She was wrong and my kids were hurt and for some reason witnessing it and having to manage the fall out from it makes it so much worse than all other things she did to hurt them in their short lives,

I wanted to bargain with Caseworker #3, sure we can move it back provided its in the therapists' office. Otherwise, no. Then I got mad that she put us in the hot seat. Technically, DCFS can set the visit whenever they want because they have custody of the kids.  They have tried to be considerate to me because I've tried to be flexible and have sound reasoning when I push on something, which hasn't been a lot in this case. I also need to continue to work with these people because we still don't have an adoption worker and DCFS can still force sibling visits if they want.

I instead threw back questions and sent an email to the therapy team and CASA worker.

Because when the week rolls around, I'm sure there will be another excuse. I have a gut feeling she isn't going to have a goodbye visit.  It will be too hard for her and I don't think she has any intention of staying in their life and she's taken steps to ensure that she can paint us as the bad guys. Its self-sabotage.

And you know what, I have enough crappy stuff on my plate and I don't care about what she wants or what is easiest for her.  She's been reproducing children and letting everyone else worry about it and it is literally sickening me.

I had a panic attack in the car on the way home.  I've been shaking all day and I'm having anxiety pains. She can kiss my ass.  That's how I feel about pushing the date.

*I understand that being pregnant and giving birth is physically hard and takes a toll on the body.  I also get that emotionally having your infant placed in foster care will also be hard and so would losing custody of your other children. But women have been birthing and caring for children after birth, for thousands of years. Why does she get another pass?



  1. I appreciate your honesty and I do hope no one condemns you for sharing these raw feelings. I know you're going to do whatever you possibly can to protect these kids and help them heal from all they've endured. I personally think it's WRONG to have this "goodbye visit" the week school starts if that can be avoided. I'm with you, she doesn't need to "heal" in order to say goodbye. This is going to be brutally ugly no matter when it happens. It shouldn't have to be pushed back again and again. That's not good for the kids and THEY are the ones EVERYONE should be focusing on at this point in time.

    I hope this works out well. I'll say a prayer.

  2. Sending you lots of hugs and love, my dear. I appreciate your honesty, and I am so sorry about all of the hurt that has happened to your kids and with this case, and the stress and the anxiety that you are feeling because of it.

    Below are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. The song is "No One Is Alone" from the musical Into the Woods. I hope reading the lyrics will help a little bit...

    "Mother cannot guide you
    Now you're on you're own.
    Only me beside you.
    Still, you're not alone.
    No one is alone, truly.
    No one is alone.

    Sometimes people leave you
    halfway through the wood.
    Others may deceive you.
    You decide what's good.
    You decide alone.
    But no one is alone.

    People make mistakes.
    Fathers, Mothers,
    People make mistakes,
    Holding to their own,
    Thinking they're alone.

    Honor their mistakes everybody makes

    Fight for their mistakes

    One another's terrible mistakes.

    Witches can be right, Giants can be good.
    You decide what's right you decide what's good

    Just remember:
    Someone is on your side
    Someone else is not
    While we're seeing our side
    Maybe we forgot: they are not alone.
    No one is alone.

    Hard to see the light now.
    Just don't let it go
    Things will come out right now.
    We can make it so.
    Someone is on your side
    No one is alone."

  3. Preach it sister! :0) I've always found a good word vomit to be highly therapeutic. And you're not wrong. You have the kids' best interest at heart, and that is what should be important here. Just keep telling yourself-someday this part will be over...

  4. If someone were to lambaste you for this, it'd be someone who has never been a foster parent. Those of us who have been there totally get it... and for that matter, most people who *haven't* been here would agree, too. I think you're right on target for her reasoning for pushing it back.

    Your kids have one strong mama; they'll remember that.