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Sunday, February 3, 2013

Gaining Strength

I've not written as often lately because I feel like all I'm doing is complaining. I feel like I'm depressing my readers. I'm so appreciative of the comments and support and honestly I'm not trying to break everyone's heart.

I did set out to honestly document our journey and this is definitely part of it. I honestly though the hardest part of this journey was going to be battle behaviors and trauma. I had no idea that it would take 10 times the amount of energy to prepare for it to be over. Or maybe because I know it will be over I'm allowing myself to pull out of survival mode.

I catch myself in little moments- tearing up. And I recover quickly but I feel like I need a good hard cry. On more than one occasion I've done this in my car on my way home. And then other times (like Saturday afternoon when the kids came home and every.single.one.of.them needed me for the most basic things) that I want the time to pass quickly and be alone with my husband and our pain.

Hubby is very practical in his approach. He's sad and been more emotional about this than anything else ever in the 12 years we've known each other. But he can really look at this situation and feel like this isn't what we signed up for and be ok with it changing. He's excited for what the future might hold.

I'm over here scared that the future might hold nothing. No kids. No joy. No happy. And of course I know that's totally irrational and unlikely but that's going on in my head.

I've graduated to pretty much holding it together when people as how the kids are. I'm not reduced to a puddle of tears, more like a light misting. But the responses of some people really boggle my mind. I hope I was never as ignorant about what to say to someone who was watching their hopes die.

I was really irritated the other day at work when someone overheard me say how much my Mom loves being a grandma. She actually jumped in the conversation and said- well then you'll just have to get to making her some grandbabies then.

I hope the shock registered on her face when I said, "Don't you think I would have if I could?" Normally, I keep things like that too myself but I really wanted her to feel bad. It doesn't work like that. You can't replace one set of children with another!

And while I'm not at the point of seeing a specialist, I am slightly disappointed that in fact, it might not be in my cards to have a baby. And while its not crushing to me yet (I've admitted I'm not a person who falls apart at the sight of a newborn, I do love being a Mom.) it still makes me sad. And as all my friends have children it makes it a little harder.

Maybe it's my twisted sense of humor but I had to laugh when Hubby brought the mail in yesterday and there were two packs of marketing mailers for a parenting magazine with babies all over the cover. I was like, ok now even the mailbox has to rub it in my face! (Seriously, shop till you pop was a headline.)

I'm working from home today as the 4th kid decided she also needed to be sick this week (the other 3 took their turns already). I suspect that she needed a mental health day similar to the one I need so I made the executive decision to let her stay home and to stay with her. Sometimes you need a break and that includes the kids.

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