Confessions

My email got hacked this week and I heard from lots of people. ALL of them said in some fashion- Hey! I'm here for you. And I have to say it was really lovely. ALL of them asked about the kids. And what could I say? And tUmm still in limbo. Not really sure who will be living in my house full time. In a few weeks I might fall to pieces again.

If I were really honest I would say: I shield the majority of all thats going on away from you because you wouldn't understand. Because I'm afraid it would mean that we live in such different worlds and that you will be so turned off and confused by mine that you may not ever ask again and I'm too afraid of loss right now to trigger that reaction. Even if you don't understand everything I'm going through the fact that you asked is enough for me to feel supported and loved. Which I did and I cherish. But I also don't share the entire truth because I can't carry you while I do this. I can't hold your hand and explain why I'm not spit fire mad like you at what's going on with my kids- because I'm past that. Way, way past it and I don't have the energy to go back and rehash it. Although it touches me you are angry on our behalf. I only have enough strength for myself and my kids. I hope you understand.

And you know what I need? An invite. Time away from my crazy life. Ask me to go someplace and reconnect with the person I used to be. While I love the fierce Mom that I've become I miss the carefree days and parts of my life I deem unimportant but shouldn't. Don't discount my offer to help because you think I'm too busy "with the kids". I realize I used to be a people pleaser and never said no but I've been through therapy and have learned to realize my limits. I say no all the time! Ask my kids!

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I read two great posts along this topic today. I will link them when I can because they were very well written and definitely worth reading.