In all honesty, I'm really angry. I'm mostly mad at myself for falling for the manipulation that seemingly occurred today. I'm angry that the consequences of someone else's choice fall on me, and I'm angry that permanency is further away today than it was yesterday.
Last week Sheila asked us to come to the courthouse to support her signing the surrender paperwork. We made the 1 1/2 trek out there this morning only to discover that since bio dad (of Sarah and Simon) was not coming, Sheila was not willing to sign the surrender until they could sign it at the same time.
I was pissed. I squandered 4 of my last 9 hours of vacation time only to learn that the TPR trial had been cancelled since the bios said they were going to sign and since the decided not to, the TPR trial would be rescheduled for August.
Instead of being admonished for not keeping her word to us that she knew signing the paperwork was the best for the kids, she was rewarded with an additional three months of visits.
I couldn't handle it. I actually left the court room crying in the middle of the hearing. I felt lied to. I was angry. In my mind I saw weeks of behavior and bed wetting and the crushed faces of my kids.
The judge said she wasn't happy but she couldn't force her to sign and there was no time on her docket but this means the baby will be born and the department could force the kids to have visits.
It also meant we had to tell the kids that the adoption part wasn't starting. They were frustrated and sad that the process is going to take longer. This also means that they will have to start school with their legal names and we will have to deal with their name change mid-school year.
Right now I feel like I was snowed. I bought into the idea that she would follow through on her word. It's moments like this where I forget about the crazy truly at work and give the benefit of the doubt only to be blindsided. She shot herself in the foot where we are concerned because we will not be fooled again. Any trust built last week was swiftly destroyed by this decision.
I have no idea what bio dad had to do with this, other than she saw an out and a path to more visits. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's her right. And if she had worked at it we wouldn't be in this situation. 11 months from the goal change will have gone by before the TPR trial happens. They will have been in foster care 2 1/2 years this time. What about the kids' rights? What about mine? We are being held hostage, in limbo, on the whims of a woman who looked me in the face and told me she was afraid I would cut off contact and she wanted a good relationship so that wouldn't happen.
Let me tell you, this was not the way to start out. At this moment I have no desire to work with her because I feel like she totally wasted our time and hurt my kids.