Skip to main content

Short Lived

WARNING: This is not a bio parent or foster care positive post. If you don't feel like reading the honest truth about the emotional Rollercoaster that is foster care you might not want to keep reading.  

In all honesty, I'm really angry. I'm mostly mad at myself for falling for the manipulation that seemingly occurred today. I'm angry that the consequences of someone else's choice fall on me, and I'm angry that permanency is further away today than it was yesterday.

Last week Sheila asked us to come to the courthouse to support her signing the surrender paperwork. We made the 1 1/2 trek out there this morning only to discover that since bio dad (of Sarah and Simon) was not coming, Sheila was not willing to sign the surrender until they could sign it at the same time. 

I was pissed. I squandered 4 of my last 9 hours of vacation time only to learn that the TPR trial had been cancelled since the bios said they were going to sign and since the decided not to, the TPR trial would be rescheduled for August. 

Instead of being admonished for not keeping her word to us that she knew signing the paperwork was the best for the kids, she was rewarded with an additional three months of visits.

I couldn't handle it. I actually left the court room crying in the middle of the hearing. I felt lied to. I was angry. In my mind I saw weeks of behavior and bed wetting and the crushed faces of my kids.

The judge said she wasn't happy but she couldn't force her to sign and there was no time on her docket but this means  the baby will be born and the department could force the kids to have visits.

It also meant we had to tell the kids that the adoption part wasn't starting. They were frustrated and sad that the process is going to take longer. This also means that they will have to start school with their legal names and we will have to deal with their name change mid-school year.

Right now I feel like I was snowed. I bought into the idea that she would follow through on her word. It's moments like this where I forget about the crazy truly at work and give the benefit of the doubt only to be blindsided. She shot herself in the foot where we are concerned because we will not be fooled again. Any trust built last week was swiftly destroyed by this decision. 

I have no idea what bio dad had to do with this, other than she saw an out and a path to more visits. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's her right. And if she had worked at it we wouldn't be in this situation. 11 months from the goal change will have gone by before the TPR trial happens. They will have been in foster care 2 1/2 years this time. What about the kids' rights?  What about mine? We are being held hostage, in limbo, on the whims of a woman who looked me in the face and told me she was afraid I would cut off contact and she wanted a good relationship so that wouldn't happen.

Let me tell you, this was not the way to start out. At this moment I have no desire  to work with her because I feel like she totally wasted our time and hurt my kids.

Comments

  1. YES. All across this country there are children who are 6, 10, 13 years without permanency due to this sort of actions. CHILDREN AND THEIR NEEDS ARE TOTALLY IGNORED. This impacts permanency and prevents not only TPR/adoption but also reunification.... all permanency. One of the important parts of foster care blogs is that it is demonstrating and showing that All states are having this problem and that it is not just one exceptional case like the courts and CPS want foster families to believe. Only when all foster carers begin to protest loudly with a unified voice will there be any progress. I hope you read I Must Be Tripping and Cherub Mama and Fosterhood, Raising Arrows, Domesticated Homo....... support the book the first two are involved with. GET PUBLIC ATTENTION TO A COMMON COMMON COMMON EVENT. We are damaging the stability and lives yet another generation of children.
    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

She Never Cried

Sheila called to wish Sarah Happy Birthday and she shared a story with her that as a baby she never cried. Not when she was hungry, not when she was tired, never. She never cried.
A little later Sarah said to me:
"Mom, my Mom said I never cried. I don't really believe that. That can't be true can it? Don't all babies cry sometimes?"
Oh my sweet girl. The red flag went up for her too. As I listened to Sheila share this story fondly, I felt sad. That was a sign of her RAD. That was because she couldn't count on adults. That was because she cried and no one came so she learned not to cry.
"It doesn't sound right to you, does it?"
"No."
"I know your Mom shared that story because she thinks it's cute you never cried. It made me sad. You are right babies cry so adults take care of them. You know how you had a lot of different adults that were supposed to take care of you as a baby?"
"Yeah, like 10 foster parents."
"Well …

Minimum Parenting Standards - Monday's Post

I can't figure out Blogger's time zone and I may not have time to write Monday evening so here is Monday's post.

This week we are having another "team" meeting. This time to discuss the "minimum parenting standards" that the kid's Mom has to meet in order to be "good enough" to parent them.

Now I have all kids of issues with this entire exercise. The first being that these kids deserve better than the minimum. The second, that good enough isn't going to cut it with their issues. The hardest part though is being asked to write down a guide to being their parent FOR their parent. Putting my commitment to first reunify a family to the test. It is one thing to suggest ways in which she can be a better parent and to support the goal by not bad mouthing her and encouraging the kids to share their true feelings. It is an entirely different thing to sit down and write a guide for a woman who has yet to grasp the basics after two years.

It wa…

Reader Question: Did You change their names?

Yes we did. We actually started using their new names shortly after their good bye visit with Sheila last August. So the only name that really changed this week was their last name (kind of, one of them actually had our last name). We had started using them so we wouldn't have to try to do a name change mid-school year. Plus the kids had only been in the school the last 1/2 of the year so they didn't know everyone yet. The school was great about going with the new first names.
At some point Simon spontaneously asked his teacher if he could change his name tag on his desk to our last name. He was tired of waiting on the legal stuff. He started to write Simon Almost Last Name on his papers. So we asked all the kids and they asked for the same update. Their report cards and benchmarks still had their legal names. 
The name change was a bit cumbersome at first. We sounded like owls because someone would ask for a person by their birth name and we would all answer "Who?". W…

FAQs

I had some questions asked of me recently that I thought I would answer here:

1) How do you keep doing this after so much crap?
I actually had two different foster moms ask me this. One dealing with a false allegation and one in a kinship case with a pregnant, unstable bio mom.

I'm not sure I have an eloquent answer to this question. I think I've reached a point where I see the bigger picture - the kids.  That's not to say this stuff doesn't drive me nuts or make me emotional. I would be spitting fire if we had to deal with a false allegation. I'm really upset about the potential of having to make a decision about another baby. But if not me, who? We are good at this. There are kids that need me. And I probably need them. I am a caretaker by nature.  What would I be doing with myself if I didn't have 15 different obligations all at once? I have no idea because I've always been this way. And right now all of the current drama is related to my children. I s…

It is a process

It's a physical ache. A pain in the middle of my chest.  And it causes hot tears, the kind that sting my eyes.  It settled over me today and I couldn't shake it.

It started with news that more people in our lives are expecting and today, I just couldn't muster the happiness.  I heard complaints of not feeling well and my ability to plaster the smile on my face just vanished from my body. I left the house to "run an errand" but really I just needed an escape.

All week I've been able to communicate and tell people about Solana leaving without any trouble.  I probably sounded like a PSA for "How to be the role model foster parent".

People were asking:

So will you get to adopt the little one? Is she staying?

Well no, actually.  She is going home in a few weeks. That's the goal of foster care. We are really happy for her dad. He really gets it. We've built a relationship. I'm so glad she doesn't have to go through the pain of adoption or …