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Friday, September 19, 2014

And So It Goes

I often listen to Pandora internet radio during my work day.  I read contracts all day and I do better when I can block out the other office noise around me. (And as I type, I realize some of that may be because I have no peace to myself outside the office!)

Anyway, a few weeks ago the song "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel came on.

I literally cried at my desk. Silent tears streamed down my face while I imagined this being sung by a Foster Mom and a Foster Child.  (Click on the video link to hear it sung.)

Foster Mom:
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers Mothers past
Until a new one comes along

Foster Child:
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave

Foster Mom:
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed

Foster Child:
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make

But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

The piano is painfully beautiful.  The song captures the feelings and emotions I have been struggling to articulate lately.   I'm sharing the sanctuary of my heart with 8 children.  I'm trying to help all of them heal from mothers past and it is met with the defenses and walls they have built up over time. And I would chose to be with them, if the choice were mine to make. But it isn't.

Four years in, and I'm pretty sure I believe that is the hardest part of being a foster parent.  Having others make choices about your life for you.  It comes with the territory of being able to have these amazing kids in your life but its maddening as it happens. I mean heck, I started running 1/2 marathons so that I could control something in my life.  That should give you a sense of the desperation I was feeling!

We have a permanency hearing next week and I'm definitely stressed out about this lack of control. First, I just want an end for these kids.  They are so tired and weary. Second, DCFS isn't finished with all of their paperwork for court.  We only have a few business days left and they are down to the wire.  It makes me very nervous that these kids are going to suffer once again because the adults couldn't get their paperwork handled. And it makes me nervous that there were other mistakes made that will mean a continued goal of return home in 6 months.  Finally, I really don't want to drive 1 1/2 hours to find out that its been continued after I've used a vacation day.  Not the end of the world but definitely on the list of things that would really tick me off. I have four kids. They get sick. I need vacation days saved up for fevers and vomit not delays because someone else didn't do their work.

Its also Sarah's birthday this week and she had a lot of trouble going to bed tonight because she is terrified that her Bio Mom is going to forget her birthday.  A big deal was made about Smiley's birthday and now Sarah is afraid that she won't even be acknowledged.  How sad. 8 years old and you can't trust that your Mom will remember your birthday.  Totally heartbreaking.  And that goes back to, why should she open her heart up to me? Every other adult/parent let her down.  9 months in and it feels like we are just scratching the surface of trust.  Its such a long path.  A step forward, a step back. Both of us waiting for the other to be taken away.  And so it goes, on and on. 

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