Court

So the judge ruled that overnights were to be reinstated. She agreed that the idea of sending the kids to respite was ridiculous. And at one point looked at the room and said, "someone has to give." So because I can't watch them be torn in half, we gave.

I went on record and said I didn't think they were ready to restart visits and complained loudly about the lack of communication. The judge ordered that addressed by the department. The States attorney stood up for us and the judge tearfully asked us to stick with it through the transition. It's a good thing too because Hubby had an email drafted to send giving our notice.

Judges don't generally get teary-eyed. The also don't generally tell you you are exceptional. Generally, foster parents tearfully pleading for a break isn't tolerated.

Bio Mom was admonished for her mistakes but the judge feels them fixable. I spent the better part of the day crying. Getting back to the grieving place and the place of letting go.

Hope was dashed again. But that's ok.

This time without the kids allowed Hubby and I to get away. To stay at an incredible resort with an amazing room and sleep with a glowing fireplace.

I spent the morning in a bathtub watching cheesy movies. Then this afternoon we went to the spa and got pedicures. I then spent the rest of the day in a fluffy white robe reading a pointless magazine in a meditation room overlooking an infinity pool and a pine forest covered in snow.

I had no idea how much I needed that. I swam in the heated pool next to snow piles and I felt invigorated. For a few moments I was totally alone, floating, weightless. No trauma. No worries. No one needing me. No one in the whole place knew my name. Or my story. And I released the worry and doubt into the cold air.

Maybe they will stay there. Maybe they won't but for one afternoon I was free of it. And I desperately needed it.