Un-Birthday

I had 30 people gathered in my dining room starting to sing Happy Birthday for Stella. Instead of happiness, I felt sadness. I felt the loss of their 1st birthdays with us and at the same moment, I realized this would likely be the last time they heard their birth names in the song.

I pushed past the thoughts quickly and shoved them down to deal with later.  We had three more rounds of Happy Birthday to get through.

We hosted an Alice in Wonderland Un-Birthday themed combined birthday party but I got each of them, their own cake. The kids did fairly well with so many people. They knew all of the people and we're excited to see some of their teachers from their previous daycare.

Stella was so excited from the day she couldn't sleep. She wanted everyone to come back the next day. It was truly the first time anyone had kept their promise to stay in touch with her. She thanked me several times for the party.

I had hoped that this would be an adoption party but you know, foster care happened. In my mind it was a chance to have the first birthday celebration we would never get to have for them. The irony is that their sibling was likely born the same day.

I know we made the right decision about not fostering the baby but it hasn't stopped me from thinking about the baby cuddles, the idea that this child might look like her sisters, and the sadness I feel for both her and Sheila creep in. Then the hard questions that my kids will likely ask pop in my head and I fear my answers will not be enough for them. 

So far the state has decided to keep the cases seperate. I'm not sure how court next week will impact it all. I'm just ready for this part to be done. I'm really hoping the bedwetting will stop and the hiding the pee pull up being hidden all over the house will stop too.