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Thursday, July 23, 2015

I Am Not A Cabbage


We met this week with the therapy team. They had a conference call with Sheila to discuss what the kids need to hear at their last planned visit in order to be able to continue to fully attach to our family.  

I am glad they had the call but it left me more frustrated. It was further confirmation that she is not capable of having the type of relationship I so badly wanted for my kids. I know, I know, if she was we wouldn't be at this point. But it hurts my heart.

The therapists also believe that this will be an instance where the bio parent will need the state to take the action to fulfill the victim role (they took my kids). It didn't seem that she fully understands that the trial will happen if she doesn't sign and that there will be not any more delays. After hearing some of the statements she made Hubby and I will not be surprised if she no shows to court. (She has the excuse of just giving birth.)

She is concerned about losing her relationship with Stella but she doesn't really understand that her actions and choices are what determine her ability to see the kids. (She doesn't really mention the other children. This highlights the dysfunction in her relationship with Stella.) It was pretty clear that she is laying the ground work for us to be the bad guys.

This upset me. I'm done being everyone's fall guy. And as I was having a pity party/meltdown about this the therapist said:

"Foster Mom R, it's not you. It's the position. Whoever would be standing in your shoes would be experiencing the same behavior. Swap the word. If she called you a cabbage would you take it personally? Of course not, because you are not a cabbage. Sounds ridiculous and that's because it is. You are none of the things she is accusing you of. This is a person who is very much the same as your children with trauma playing the stay busy with me game because as long as you engage her, you can't lose her and she can't lose her kids. 

It was kind of an a-ha moment for me. I'm not a cabbage. I'm not being difficult or unreasonable in my expectations for a well adjusted adult but for a woman with a long trauma and abuse history my consistency and boundaries and rules seem foreign.  Which equates to scary. She has spent a lifetime triangulating and manipulating and I'm not going to change that. She has no idea what a secure attachment is and she struggles with relationships, especially those of authority and power. 

We will see what happens at court in a few weeks. Meanwhile, we had an unbirthday this weekend for the kids. They had a blast.

Here is my Sarah as the White Rabbit.

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