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Friday, July 3, 2015

No Pain

I was feeling no pain this morning. Largely due to the gobs of anxiety medication I took yesterday and the pills the doctor prescribed. In fact, I was downright chilled out. It still wasn't enough to get me into the special MRI so they needed up putting me in one slightly less powerful but with a bigger opening and I was able to handle that just fine. (I can't do open MRI because they are scanning my brain.)

So I had a full 45 minutes to lay still and think while the machine clicked and pounded and vibrated. 

The first few minutes I though of Sarah and the noises. We'd have to knock her out for something like this. Then I thought of Stella and all the questions she would ask.

I thought of my conversation with the doctor that morning when she asked me if I was foster parenting little babies. I answered No but in my head I thought- not yet. And then the fact that I was lying in the MRI with pain brought me back to a conversation with my Grandma. One of the last lucid conversation I had with her- "you can't care for a little baby if you are sick".

This disease brought me to foster care. Maybe it's poetic that it's reminding me of that as we near the end of the adoption process. Apparently I woke up hopeful that the end is near which is a step in the right direction as in the last few weeks I felt like we were never going to get there. 

But that's what 2 1/2 happy pills will do  for you. And a really good nights sleep. 

Of course then Simon decided to loose his sh*t this morning because it's a visit day. He totally lied in an effort to avoid asking for help. Then he lied again and then we were in meltdown mode. My 7 year old refused to use any of his tools . He was angry and scared and I stayed calm and therapeutic. It breaks my heart every time I gather him in my lap and he physically stiffens and fears the loving contact. We will keep at it. Like everything else.

This *should be* the 2nd to last planned visit. The kids came up with a list of questions for Sheila that they wanted answered. Hubby said he had to bribe Smiley to participate. I said to him, "Maybe she doesn't care. Maybe she is done. Maybe she doesn't need this lady she's no longer connected to to tell her anything."

I have no idea if she'll answer the questions. Despite telling everyone she wants to help the kids move forward her lack of action has proved otherwise.
"Sure I'll have a family therapy session with the kids." (Her attorney actually tried to make a lack of family therapy an issue in court a few months back.) but then she never called to get the appointment scheduled. Meanwhile she's posting on facebook about everything having a consequence so you better make good choices. 

Yeah. If only she would follow her own advice. 

It makes my head hurt. Which is an improvement over my face on fire....

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