Skip to main content

Cancelled Visit

So the drama that is foster care visits continued. 15 minutes after the visit was supposed to start I got a call from the driver. Mom hadn't shown up. They have a 15 minute rule. If she didn't show up in the next few minutes she was bringing the kids back.

15 minute rule? This was new. She's been late before. In fact just a few weeks ago that was the explanation I was given as to why they came home so late. I had never been told that a visit could be cancelled for punctuality.

So the kids were brought home very upset and sad. Then I got a call and a text from Mom. Did I know what happened to the visit? I told her what I knew then she said she was going to call the case worker. Great idea. I texted the case worker. Who then texted back that she just found out visits were going to start at 10. Umm no. In fact, the visit provider confirmed 9 little more than 16 hours before.

Then the texts and messages began. Every. Two. Minutes. How are the babies. I need to speak to the babies.

Well I was not with "the babies". I was out running my errands. They were home with Hubby. Who talked with them about their feelings which consisted of fear that Mom forgot about them, then anger at the driver because as they were driving away they saw her car pulling in and the driver refused to turn around.

I didn't answer the messages for an hour. Then she texted could she talk to them to explain. They were calm and had moved on to the things we needed to accomplish in the day so Hubby and I decided not until tomorrow. Which I texted back. And then I got a text from case worker asking the same question.

If the kids had asked I would have let them talk to her but simply so she could relieve her own guilt- um nope. You should feel bad. Your kids need to depend on you. You keep making these mistakes and all these people have given you pass after pass. I was glad that someone finally held her to the rules.

Most interesting was while the kids were sad for like an hour after that- they were fine. Well behaved. No squabbling. No issues.

They talked to Mom the next day when she called. She explained she had to work late but I don't remember her actually apologizing. She asked Gabby what she wanted to do at her visit Monday and told them shed see them Wednesday. Jelly Bean made mention at that time that she was sad about not seeing her Mom and then again after dinner when she was trying to get out of reading. (classic manipulation of the situation).

We shall see what happens today... Any bets that visits get moves back because she has now proved she can't make 9?


  1. Unbelievable to me! These kids have been with you for a year - right?! By now Mom should be expected to follow the rules and if she can't, they need to be exploring options other than reunification. I'm so sorry you and those children have to go through this. And I certainly hope they don't move the visits up just because she keeps tanking the 9AM time frame.

    1. Amazing how they can manipulate the system to get what they want.... The 15 minute rule is very much in place here. They only missed twice and after that they have been on time.

  2. Jelly Bean and Mr. Mohawk have been with me 18 months. Gabby and Little Mama 15 months. Issue at hand is they don't want to give her any room for appeal. If they don't accommodate her with time she can say they set her up to fail. If they make her work with a therapist she doesn't feel comfortable with- she was set up.

  3. R, that sucks.

    How did it go yesterday?


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

She Never Cried

Sheila called to wish Sarah Happy Birthday and she shared a story with her that as a baby she never cried. Not when she was hungry, not when she was tired, never. She never cried.
A little later Sarah said to me:
"Mom, my Mom said I never cried. I don't really believe that. That can't be true can it? Don't all babies cry sometimes?"
Oh my sweet girl. The red flag went up for her too. As I listened to Sheila share this story fondly, I felt sad. That was a sign of her RAD. That was because she couldn't count on adults. That was because she cried and no one came so she learned not to cry.
"It doesn't sound right to you, does it?"
"I know your Mom shared that story because she thinks it's cute you never cried. It made me sad. You are right babies cry so adults take care of them. You know how you had a lot of different adults that were supposed to take care of you as a baby?"
"Yeah, like 10 foster parents."
"Well …

Minimum Parenting Standards - Monday's Post

I can't figure out Blogger's time zone and I may not have time to write Monday evening so here is Monday's post.

This week we are having another "team" meeting. This time to discuss the "minimum parenting standards" that the kid's Mom has to meet in order to be "good enough" to parent them.

Now I have all kids of issues with this entire exercise. The first being that these kids deserve better than the minimum. The second, that good enough isn't going to cut it with their issues. The hardest part though is being asked to write down a guide to being their parent FOR their parent. Putting my commitment to first reunify a family to the test. It is one thing to suggest ways in which she can be a better parent and to support the goal by not bad mouthing her and encouraging the kids to share their true feelings. It is an entirely different thing to sit down and write a guide for a woman who has yet to grasp the basics after two years.

It wa…

Reader Question: Did You change their names?

Yes we did. We actually started using their new names shortly after their good bye visit with Sheila last August. So the only name that really changed this week was their last name (kind of, one of them actually had our last name). We had started using them so we wouldn't have to try to do a name change mid-school year. Plus the kids had only been in the school the last 1/2 of the year so they didn't know everyone yet. The school was great about going with the new first names.
At some point Simon spontaneously asked his teacher if he could change his name tag on his desk to our last name. He was tired of waiting on the legal stuff. He started to write Simon Almost Last Name on his papers. So we asked all the kids and they asked for the same update. Their report cards and benchmarks still had their legal names. 
The name change was a bit cumbersome at first. We sounded like owls because someone would ask for a person by their birth name and we would all answer "Who?". W…


I had some questions asked of me recently that I thought I would answer here:

1) How do you keep doing this after so much crap?
I actually had two different foster moms ask me this. One dealing with a false allegation and one in a kinship case with a pregnant, unstable bio mom.

I'm not sure I have an eloquent answer to this question. I think I've reached a point where I see the bigger picture - the kids.  That's not to say this stuff doesn't drive me nuts or make me emotional. I would be spitting fire if we had to deal with a false allegation. I'm really upset about the potential of having to make a decision about another baby. But if not me, who? We are good at this. There are kids that need me. And I probably need them. I am a caretaker by nature.  What would I be doing with myself if I didn't have 15 different obligations all at once? I have no idea because I've always been this way. And right now all of the current drama is related to my children. I s…

It is a process

It's a physical ache. A pain in the middle of my chest.  And it causes hot tears, the kind that sting my eyes.  It settled over me today and I couldn't shake it.

It started with news that more people in our lives are expecting and today, I just couldn't muster the happiness.  I heard complaints of not feeling well and my ability to plaster the smile on my face just vanished from my body. I left the house to "run an errand" but really I just needed an escape.

All week I've been able to communicate and tell people about Solana leaving without any trouble.  I probably sounded like a PSA for "How to be the role model foster parent".

People were asking:

So will you get to adopt the little one? Is she staying?

Well no, actually.  She is going home in a few weeks. That's the goal of foster care. We are really happy for her dad. He really gets it. We've built a relationship. I'm so glad she doesn't have to go through the pain of adoption or …