I "tried" to call....

I've mentioned in a few different posts that I have an incurable illness called neurosarcoidosis. My particular case has been hard to get into remission and at this point I'm just waiting out the pain and symptoms. (Kinda like I'm waiting out the kids case to see if I will be THE Mom.) A few years back the docs (yes plural at one point I was seeing 7 specialists) had me on a high dose of prednisone which is a steroid and it made me crazy. Seriously, I was a basket case. I was exhibiting bipolar level highs and lows and was awake for days. I was irritable and the slightest thing would make me rage and the next day would make me cry. It was fun stuff. I managed to alphabetize all of my scrapbooking embellishments and label all my supplies while also finishing the Twilight Series in one week.

The docs kept telling me it was normal on the dosage I was on to suffer from "depressive symptoms and crying spells" while on prednisone. Except I was basketcase crazy. Finally, my head specialist told me that I needed to find a therapist and a psychiatrist as I was likely to be on and off these types of drugs the rest of my life and I needed to be prepared to keep living my life and not hide in my basement reading about vampires.

And that's how I met my therapist, Molly. She was funky and positive and validated my feelings. She put up with me as I walked into her office 1-2 times a week and cried for 45 minutes straight. She helped me understand my panic attacks and the relationships in my life that needed help. She helped me find my voice. And then about 18 months later I walked into her office and didn't cry. And then did it again 2 weeks later and we decided I was probably okay. I saw her shortly after my grandma passed and the kids came and discovered that her kids go to the same school. And then life got busy and I got focused on healing my kids and I haven't gone back.

But lately.... My fuse is short and I'm irritable. And I feel anxious and frustrated. And I'm worried I'm going to slink back into the deep, ugly, dark pit of depression. And I realize I need to take care of myself. And I've debated about going back to Molly. She won volunteer of the year at the school and the types on Moms that win volunteer of the year and how intimidated and judged I feel are one of the issues I need to work through. And really how do you say that to your therapist?

Hi! Thanks for helping me but now you make me feel bad about the kind of mother I am and while I trust that you will keep everything confidential I'm not sure I want to share everything now.

But I also don't want to start over. I don't want to have to discuss the family issues I have with someone else. I did that for a year already. I want someone who understands how far I've come in regard to being ill and having to reduce my load to a Mom of 4 who works full time. I want her to cheer me on since I left the job I hated.

And since yesterday I cried when the girls' therapists asked me a few harmless questions I decide to call Molly and make an appointment. But the phone system changed and her extension is no longer hers and I would have had to hang up and dial the other office and I was in the car. So I let it be today. It's a step in the right direction and I know it's one I need to take.