Dare to Dream

So this weekend we had minimal issues. Normal kid behavior. And the difference? Our weekend was ours. There were no reminders of foster care. There were no anxiety riddled visits with Mom or fear of being hurt. Instead there was a family night at a Valentines Day dance and an overnight at Grandma's house which included seeing Disney in Ice. Mom and Dad got to go to an adults only Martini Party (where Mom found her new favorite beverage Cotton Candy Vodka) and sleep in.

My mind wanders and it it goes to that "dare to dream" place. Where this IS my family. These are my kids. There is no question of where they will live or who will care for them. Where they feel safe ALL the time and they continue to make incredible progress despite their traumatic beginnings.

Because as I sit here and listen to them giggle I hope that this is the rule rather than the exception. I realize that while this is my dream it is their fear. And then I come back to the reality that we live. That tomorrow our week starts and includes therapy and homework. It will no doubt bring information about the investigation and frustration surrounding the lack of protection the kids had at their last visit. More discussion of how on Earth DCFS is going to teach their Mom how to be a safe parent. And more head shaking by those that work with the kids of how the system can still think their Mom is going to get it together after 20 months and still struggling at supervised visits.

While I am angry and frustrated I have reached a new place in my own opinion of my place and approach. I'm just going to be their Mom. Their advocate. I have an odd sense of peace that these are my kids no matter what a court tells me. For now that's enough. I don't feel their Mom can handle being their parent but that doesn't take away her title as Mom. I have to be okay with this in order to also be their Mom.