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Friday, January 31, 2014

Loss

This week brought another sad situation to the kids. The former foster mom of Sarah and Stella cancelled her visit with them and asked to no longer have contact with the kids.

I'm totally heart broken for them as when they figure it out, they will be devastated. We aren't going to tell them exactly what was said but the kids are perceptive and they are going to realize that the calls and visits aren't happening.

The day before she cancelled she was requesting an extended visit for the weekend they were schedule to see her. I'm not sure how you jump from "I want to have them two nights" to "I don't want to see or talk to them any further". 

I really believe this was more about her inability to put her emotions aside and her stance that she and I had a "personality conflict" than it was about her reasoning that the visit was going to be too hard on the kids. (Because even if it was hard on them, then you modify the visits or contact not cut it off entirely.) 

She couldn't handle the idea that we got to make decisions about what worked for the kids and our family. She couldn't forgive herself for saying no to having the children in her home. And I was not willing to continue being her emotional punching bag. She asked for two nights with the kids and we had plans so we said no. This response was like an adult sized tantrum! Foster Mom R is being mean to me. She's not my friend any more.

Now I get it is really, really, hard stuff when kids leave. But I know several foster moms who would give their left arm to be given the opportunity to have any kind of contact with their former kids even if it meant they had to put up with a foster mom they didn't care for. (And while I can be direct, I am not an ogre. How is it I managed to befriend the other foster mom in this case as well as the Fab Four's former foster family and Maria? Because I'm actually nice! Oh and they don't blame me for their situations...) I also get that maybe some more time or space was warranted to grieve. You have to speak up if that's the case.

But no. She bailed. Walked out of their life because it was too hard for her. I can't wrap my head around a foster parent stating that they love the children and want what's in their best interest and their conclusion is to disappear from their lives without another word. Not even a goodbye.

There is no love lost on my end because she made my life difficult and brought tons of drama. If I had met this person outside of Foster Care Land I would not have had a second conversation with her. I was willing and attempted to make it work for the kids' sake. So what if she aggravated me or hurt my feelings! I am the adult. I shoulder that for the kids because that is my job.

 We will now add her name to a long list of people who promised the kids that they would be different and broke that promise. And that sucks. Foster care sucks.


1 comment:

  1. yup - foster care sucks!
    I pray the children are able to listen to you and trust you eventually. I know you'll spin it the least damaging way.

    ReplyDelete