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Thursday, January 16, 2014

Heartache

I just spent the last half hour on Pintrest pinning baby shower ideas. My sister-in-law announced she was expecting on Christmas and our best friends are expecting this summer. June and July babies.

I had to stop pinning. I was getting sad. And I don't want to be sad about new babies in our family. I'm so excited for our loved ones and I'm a pretty terrific Aunt. But their joy reminds me of my pain and I'm struggling with that today. 

We had court this week. It was a status update. And while we learned some new information about what Mom is going to be required to do, there was nothing that indicated that she will have to work harder since this is her 2nd go round with this judge. I've already been told she will work her case plan. All I gathered from court is that this will be a long road to return home.

We are committed to helping these kids gain stability and healing. We are already witnessing progress in our home. But my heart literally aches to be a Mom. And I'm totally frustrated by the fact that I have to depend on other woman to be a Mom. And they have to fail in order for me to be a Mom. And that just totally sucks. That thought makes me feel like a really crappy person. I don't want these women to fail. I want them to get better for their kids. 

I want to be the one pinning baby book ideas and first birthday party outfits. I want to be planning a kids room not calculating the square footage in order to be in compliance with liscensing standards. I want to know a birthday off the top of my head because I was there, not look at my cheat sheet.

Today sucks because motherhood seems further away than ever despite the fact that I fed, bathed, and tucked in four kids with an impressive efficiency tonight.

And I don't want to be jealous of these woman I love. How do you put this deep, deep hurt to the side? Today is one of those days where I feel like the world is spinning around me and I'm trapped in quick sand. I am incredibly blessed and really have no business complaining but I don't know how to stop the heartache today.

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