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The good news is our foster care license has been renewed for another four years and our new home passed inspection.  The licensing worker tried to get me to add another two beds for a total of six. 

Umm...that's a no. In fact, its a not on your life.

But what about the baby? If you want to take the baby I will have to come back out. 

You have to come back in 6 months anyway.  We'll just call it that visit.  (And the last time they extended our license for siblings no one came back out so I'm not really sure that was correct.) And I'm not getting all those phone calls.  I will only possibly take the sibling.  We haven't discussed it yet.

The bad news is we still do not have a trial date.  The status hearing that has been continued since October was re-set for April. 7 months since the goal change.  Additionally, Sheila wants to have their next monthly visit at an arcade which is 1 1/2 hours from our house.  That makes their visit a 7 hour ordeal.

For months I have patiently took the approach that this is a few last visits and not commented other than to suggest their life books be worked on.  But the last visit in the community was pretty stressful on the kids and created a situation where old behaviors resumed and haven't left. But now that we have at least another 2 visits before the next court date I can't bite my tongue.

I called the CASA Worker.  Calmly expressed my concern over the speed of permanency and the type, length, and location of the visits.  She can spend 3 hours in the car.  They aren't working to return home so it makes no sense as to why the visits have to be near her community.  Transport her or shorten the visit. They therapists are also not in favor with the current visitation plans.

Caseworker #3's response is this is Bio Mom's time to do with as she sees fit as long as it is appropriate. Banging my head on the wall.

No one cares about my opinion.  I know that.  Nothing will change.  I know that too.  But I also demanded that a Family/Team meeting be scheduled.  That at least, I can make a stink about.

To be honest, I'm feeling pretty over being in the system. The limbo in which the kids are stuck is pointless and it makes me angry.  They can't really attach until they are sure they are staying.  They also can't process anything until we can tell them that adoption is officially the goal.  The "you aren't working on going home anymore but we are waiting for the judge" is a confusing concept. Smiley's version to my Mom was "there is a Judge now and she says my other Mommy didn't take care of us."

I just want to be done. Put my house together, work on running and school and raise my kids without the input of others. 



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This week we are having another "team" meeting. This time to discuss the "minimum parenting standards" that the kid's Mom has to meet in order to be "good enough" to parent them.

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I'm not sure I have an eloquent answer to this question. I think I've reached a point where I see the bigger picture - the kids.  That's not to say this stuff doesn't drive me nuts or make me emotional. I would be spitting fire if we had to deal with a false allegation. I'm really upset about the potential of having to make a decision about another baby. But if not me, who? We are good at this. There are kids that need me. And I probably need them. I am a caretaker by nature.  What would I be doing with myself if I didn't have 15 different obligations all at once? I have no idea because I've always been this way. And right now all of the current drama is related to my children. I s…

It is a process

It's a physical ache. A pain in the middle of my chest.  And it causes hot tears, the kind that sting my eyes.  It settled over me today and I couldn't shake it.

It started with news that more people in our lives are expecting and today, I just couldn't muster the happiness.  I heard complaints of not feeling well and my ability to plaster the smile on my face just vanished from my body. I left the house to "run an errand" but really I just needed an escape.

All week I've been able to communicate and tell people about Solana leaving without any trouble.  I probably sounded like a PSA for "How to be the role model foster parent".

People were asking:

So will you get to adopt the little one? Is she staying?

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