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And Action!

If only it were that simple. The idea that I could make something start or finish by saying so is my dream right now. Instead I'm directing all the drama surrounding me. Well trying to deflect at least....

So after the judge stated that she saw no evidence of the foster parents sabotaging the case Bio Mom goes and tells LM (during the visit) that her foster parents are trying to keep her from her. That we are trying to keep her for ourselves. And then she brought up the trauma therapists alleged statement about "God shouldn't have given her these 4 kids because she doesn't deserve them".

It's exhausting these conversations about the same make believe issue over an over. The kids haven't even spoken to that therapist on 6 months. What does that possibly have anything to do with anything?

How about you take that energy and focus it on your kids? So LM confronts her in family therapy and she tells her she's entitled to her feelings. And then it comes out that its not so much Hubby as it is Foster Mom R. Because Hubby told her how much fun the kids seem to have although we are having some issues he sees some positives.

But Foster Mom R? She only talks about Gabby throwing up and JB raging and wetting and MM's nightmares and detentions and behavior at school.

I. AM. SO. TIRED. T.I.R.E.D of being the punching bag an the fall guy. The kids don't feel safe with their Mom so they take it out on me. Mom doesn't get the full story from the kids and takes it out on me. Instead of trying to figure out why I keep reporting the issues the approach becomes Foster Mom R is making this stuff up. Can't be true.

My evil ways must be the reason the kids punch each other. And I require such little sleep that I must place the nightmares in MM's head so he can wake me up at 2:30am several days a week. And I prefer chaos so I provoke JB to the point of rage and then demand she cry due to the shame.

I mean honestly. The level of ridiculous we just entered is a new proportion. And I get it. It's hard. And because the kids really haven't worked out their fears an built enough trust with their mom things are bound to be rough when the overnights start. And I get that it's hard to see your kids love another Mom. But you don't put that on them.

I also suspect she's laying the groundwork for blame in case this doesn't work out. It's much easier to say I lost my kids because the foster parent stole them. But that's simply not what's going on here. I'm doing my job to advocate for the kids. If she can't see it that's her problem. She can't see that she's only losing trust with her kids by accusing us and that makes me very sad.

And we spent time tonight processing, encouraging, and supporting. And reassuring that we are supporting the goal but if they don't work on it know with their Mom their issues won't be fixed. And that will mean that they won't feel safe on these visits or moving home.

And after all that the thing that brought me to tears was Jelly Bean. After processing. After struggling with her feelings and fear she very earnestly and with tears in her eyes said, "Mommy? Are you ever going to have kids that are yours forever?"

My answer was one I don't often accept from her. "I don't know." "I don't know what God has planned for me. What I do know I'd that I will always have a kid named Jelly bean, MM, Gabby, and LM right here in my heart."

Tired. Very Tired.


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