It's Not My Problem

Those were the words spoken by Hubby in regards to Sheila's pregnancy. And he's right. This was her choice. Not ours. Only in an tangential way is this our problem. In that my kids will have another loss and another sibling out in the world.

I know of at least 3 other siblings that they have and I suspect there are more. I'm not sad or concerned about taking them. Why is this sibling different?

I spent some time mulling that question over. And the only answer is that it's a baby. And that stirred up all of my feelings and emotions about being unable to have a pregnancy. Not necessarily being the Mom to an infant but rather having the whole experience from start to finish. It was grief I thought I was done with. And it hit me rather unexpectedly. But it doesn't define my ability to be a mother. 

I'm already a Mom. In every sense of the word. I have piles of laundry, a sink full of dishes, and a project on Beethoven to supervise that say I'm a Mom to four amazingly talented, beautiful children. In fact, I just heard Smiley say "Oh my! Not again!" Which is something she picked up from me. I'm incredibly blessed and they are enough for me. 

I need to be enough for them. I need to have the sense to say we have a full plate and I can only stretch myself so far physically, emotionally, and financially. Just because their Biological Mother doesn't make that decision does not mean I have to follow in her footsteps. In fact, laid out that way it seems down right idiotic to go down that path.

My four kids with trauma need me. They need a family willing to take all four together (because that is the family they know) who are willing to advocate for them and help them heal. 

This baby does not need me.  This baby needs a family and there are no shortage of families ready and willing to take a baby who's parental rights will be terminated on an expedited basis. And what a blessing to another family who is hoping and praying for a baby. 

That isn't us. We aren't that family. And so we have decided that if asked, we will say no to the placement of this baby. 

I grieve for my children. I grieve for this baby but I know that at this moment, if I were to say yes these 5 kids would not get the Mom that would be enough. They would get the "good enough" version and all of them deserve better.