Skip to main content

Am I Supposed to Fall Apart?

So we sent the email. Late Friday Caseworker let me know that the department doesn't have the ability to return custody- the judge didn't grant it.

I knew that. So I responded that I looked forwarded to learning what date the motion hearing was granted for. I'll call Mom's attorney if I have to. I'm determined like that. :)

******************************

Everyone keeps asking how I'm doing. How I'm holding up.

Honestly, I'm fine. I didn't cry. I believe that I've done everything I could have. I gave them my all and I can let go knowing that. That gives me peace.

While I am sure I will grieve. I'm sure that I am now... The world will not stop around me. I have a choice. I can set the goal at 1) doing what I set out to do: keep them safe, fight for their permanency, build a family or 2) this being my forever family.

I accomplished Goal 1. I have no say in Goal 2.

Do I miss them? Of course! They are everywhere. Stories at dinner. Songs in the radio. I'm taking a trip to Iowa for a family wedding. We got the call for Jelly Bean and MM on the way to the bride's father's funeral. This has truly come full circle. Beginning and End. The lesson- life goes on. I find beauty in that.

I have long subscribed to "what is meant to be, will be". Perhaps it's a lifetime of setting out in one direction and ending up in a different forest. Perhaps it is the experience of being chronically ill and learning to find a "new normal". Maybe it was the entire foster parenting escapade. Thrust into motherhood (and not just motherhood but trauma mamahood!) and learning to figure it out. Not being Mom to these 4 kids everyday will be more of the same - figuring it out.

And also perhaps because I believe I received the sign I was looking for. I can't remember if I mentioned in my blog my reading with a medium on New Years' Eve.

Believer/ Non-Believer- To each their own, I believe. If I believe in God and Angels why wouldn't I believe in people who can connect me to Heaven?

Anyway, this lady discussed the case with me. She gave great advice- prepare for life without them, rejoice when they come back to you. But she cautioned that my life would be radically different. After discussing that my guardian angel was talking about protecting a little girl - the medium said, I see you with a little girl.

On the very night I prayed for guidance about all of this- I received a call at 2:30AM about an emergency placement; a 14 month old baby girl. Of course the call was made in error But I'm viewing it as a sign that there are other kids that need my help and perhaps the reminder about what the medium said.

No doubt this will get harder, but right now I'm good. Good. I slept we'll. I'm curled up in the back seat of my parents car reminiscing about the countless road trips we took to see family. Thankful for the time to reflect. Thankful that both my parents are here to share this. Thankful that in a few hours I will see and hear my grandma in her sisters and perhaps. And since its my Italian side - get as many hugs as I want!

Comments

  1. You sound like your head is in a good place today. I really give u kudos for all your strength in this and doing everything a momma should do. We set aside ourselves for our kids everyday. Even when its the hardest thing to do.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

She Never Cried

Sheila called to wish Sarah Happy Birthday and she shared a story with her that as a baby she never cried. Not when she was hungry, not when she was tired, never. She never cried.
A little later Sarah said to me:
"Mom, my Mom said I never cried. I don't really believe that. That can't be true can it? Don't all babies cry sometimes?"
Oh my sweet girl. The red flag went up for her too. As I listened to Sheila share this story fondly, I felt sad. That was a sign of her RAD. That was because she couldn't count on adults. That was because she cried and no one came so she learned not to cry.
"It doesn't sound right to you, does it?"
"No."
"I know your Mom shared that story because she thinks it's cute you never cried. It made me sad. You are right babies cry so adults take care of them. You know how you had a lot of different adults that were supposed to take care of you as a baby?"
"Yeah, like 10 foster parents."
"Well …

Minimum Parenting Standards - Monday's Post

I can't figure out Blogger's time zone and I may not have time to write Monday evening so here is Monday's post.

This week we are having another "team" meeting. This time to discuss the "minimum parenting standards" that the kid's Mom has to meet in order to be "good enough" to parent them.

Now I have all kids of issues with this entire exercise. The first being that these kids deserve better than the minimum. The second, that good enough isn't going to cut it with their issues. The hardest part though is being asked to write down a guide to being their parent FOR their parent. Putting my commitment to first reunify a family to the test. It is one thing to suggest ways in which she can be a better parent and to support the goal by not bad mouthing her and encouraging the kids to share their true feelings. It is an entirely different thing to sit down and write a guide for a woman who has yet to grasp the basics after two years.

It wa…

Reader Question: Did You change their names?

Yes we did. We actually started using their new names shortly after their good bye visit with Sheila last August. So the only name that really changed this week was their last name (kind of, one of them actually had our last name). We had started using them so we wouldn't have to try to do a name change mid-school year. Plus the kids had only been in the school the last 1/2 of the year so they didn't know everyone yet. The school was great about going with the new first names.
At some point Simon spontaneously asked his teacher if he could change his name tag on his desk to our last name. He was tired of waiting on the legal stuff. He started to write Simon Almost Last Name on his papers. So we asked all the kids and they asked for the same update. Their report cards and benchmarks still had their legal names. 
The name change was a bit cumbersome at first. We sounded like owls because someone would ask for a person by their birth name and we would all answer "Who?". W…

FAQs

I had some questions asked of me recently that I thought I would answer here:

1) How do you keep doing this after so much crap?
I actually had two different foster moms ask me this. One dealing with a false allegation and one in a kinship case with a pregnant, unstable bio mom.

I'm not sure I have an eloquent answer to this question. I think I've reached a point where I see the bigger picture - the kids.  That's not to say this stuff doesn't drive me nuts or make me emotional. I would be spitting fire if we had to deal with a false allegation. I'm really upset about the potential of having to make a decision about another baby. But if not me, who? We are good at this. There are kids that need me. And I probably need them. I am a caretaker by nature.  What would I be doing with myself if I didn't have 15 different obligations all at once? I have no idea because I've always been this way. And right now all of the current drama is related to my children. I s…

It is a process

It's a physical ache. A pain in the middle of my chest.  And it causes hot tears, the kind that sting my eyes.  It settled over me today and I couldn't shake it.

It started with news that more people in our lives are expecting and today, I just couldn't muster the happiness.  I heard complaints of not feeling well and my ability to plaster the smile on my face just vanished from my body. I left the house to "run an errand" but really I just needed an escape.

All week I've been able to communicate and tell people about Solana leaving without any trouble.  I probably sounded like a PSA for "How to be the role model foster parent".

People were asking:

So will you get to adopt the little one? Is she staying?

Well no, actually.  She is going home in a few weeks. That's the goal of foster care. We are really happy for her dad. He really gets it. We've built a relationship. I'm so glad she doesn't have to go through the pain of adoption or …