Am I Supposed to Fall Apart?

So we sent the email. Late Friday Caseworker let me know that the department doesn't have the ability to return custody- the judge didn't grant it.

I knew that. So I responded that I looked forwarded to learning what date the motion hearing was granted for. I'll call Mom's attorney if I have to. I'm determined like that. :)

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Everyone keeps asking how I'm doing. How I'm holding up.

Honestly, I'm fine. I didn't cry. I believe that I've done everything I could have. I gave them my all and I can let go knowing that. That gives me peace.

While I am sure I will grieve. I'm sure that I am now... The world will not stop around me. I have a choice. I can set the goal at 1) doing what I set out to do: keep them safe, fight for their permanency, build a family or 2) this being my forever family.

I accomplished Goal 1. I have no say in Goal 2.

Do I miss them? Of course! They are everywhere. Stories at dinner. Songs in the radio. I'm taking a trip to Iowa for a family wedding. We got the call for Jelly Bean and MM on the way to the bride's father's funeral. This has truly come full circle. Beginning and End. The lesson- life goes on. I find beauty in that.

I have long subscribed to "what is meant to be, will be". Perhaps it's a lifetime of setting out in one direction and ending up in a different forest. Perhaps it is the experience of being chronically ill and learning to find a "new normal". Maybe it was the entire foster parenting escapade. Thrust into motherhood (and not just motherhood but trauma mamahood!) and learning to figure it out. Not being Mom to these 4 kids everyday will be more of the same - figuring it out.

And also perhaps because I believe I received the sign I was looking for. I can't remember if I mentioned in my blog my reading with a medium on New Years' Eve.

Believer/ Non-Believer- To each their own, I believe. If I believe in God and Angels why wouldn't I believe in people who can connect me to Heaven?

Anyway, this lady discussed the case with me. She gave great advice- prepare for life without them, rejoice when they come back to you. But she cautioned that my life would be radically different. After discussing that my guardian angel was talking about protecting a little girl - the medium said, I see you with a little girl.

On the very night I prayed for guidance about all of this- I received a call at 2:30AM about an emergency placement; a 14 month old baby girl. Of course the call was made in error But I'm viewing it as a sign that there are other kids that need my help and perhaps the reminder about what the medium said.

No doubt this will get harder, but right now I'm good. Good. I slept we'll. I'm curled up in the back seat of my parents car reminiscing about the countless road trips we took to see family. Thankful for the time to reflect. Thankful that both my parents are here to share this. Thankful that in a few hours I will see and hear my grandma in her sisters and perhaps. And since its my Italian side - get as many hugs as I want!