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If I'm being honest

I was really anxious all weekend. My husband had driven th 19 hours to pay his last respects to his Grandmother and my niece was with me from Thursday through Sunday. Friday night my friends sent me a picture of the baby. She is adorable. And I cried.

Maybe I knew that I would not get to meet her. Maybe I knew she was meant for a different family. Maybe I was a tiny bit relieved that our world would not be thrown to the wind with another phone call telling us we were wanted.

And my niece was standing there and she just hugged me. And I really needed it because what I really wanted was my husband. Someone who wants the same thing and can soothe me and remind me of my own words that God has a plan. He does. No really, He does. I looked into my nieces eyes and told her she was too young to have all the adults in her life cry all the time and we both laughed. We headed to dinner and had a really grown up conversation about adoption and foster care.

She wanted me to explain why it was "fair" that people who couldn't take care of their children could get them back. Ahh the famous black and white judgement of the young. Not experienced enough in life to understand the many shades of grey. Then she wanted to know why we only opened our license up to 13. "What you don't like teenagers?" Of course and we love several of them including you. Which of course led to some pretty good conversation about her going to high school and my secret to staying out of trouble. (Don't hang out with those who start the trouble. Guilty by associating is still guilty.)

And when the phone didn't ring the rest of the weekend I knew it was time to let go. And when my husband and I were finally in the same house hugged him like my life depended on it. And I had a moment where I just lost my cool exterior of just going about my life. I was really sad. And though I have NEVER been the kind of person to worry about what everyone else was doing I was actually feeling slightly bothered by the fact that all of my friends that I talk to regularly are expecting. I don't know if I feel left out or left behind or if its just this continued unknown of what placements we'll get called about or if we'll ever get to try to have biologic children but I actually had a moment where through tears I expressed this to my husband.

His reaction? Actually perfect. He was the right amount understanding and reasonable. He asked me if we were in a competition he didn't know about and reminded me that I'm not usually like that. He asked me if I like our life - which of course echoed a very similar thought I had had earlier in the day while scrapbooking some pretty amazing moments in our lives. And then I felt very lucky because I have him. And somedays thats all that matters.


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