Am I Really?

I had Sarah's 504 plan meeting last week. It was the annual meeting to qualify her for classroom supports based on her PTSD diagnosis since it had affected her in class. (Which Caseworker #4 actually said he was "surprised it was necessary for her to have a 504 plan"....let me clue you in- don't say sh*t like that.)

Her amazing therapist came and reminded everyone just how far my kid had come. Somewhere along the way I missed actually hearing her diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder but it's in a report somewhere. While she has basically fallen off that spectrum (not exhibiting signs) her therapist reminded us that we must keep working with her as if she still had RAD as to not backslide in our progress.

When the meeting concluded the very well meaning staff applauded our family for being a foster family and adopting. It was the usual - you are amazing/the kids are so lucky.

And as I got in the car I thought, am I that amazing?  I was 5 minutes late to the meeting. I had no idea what my kids wore to school as I was in the shower when they left. I assume they ate breakfast.....And then again later that night when I blew up at my kids. Totally lost my cool at being asked about a snack before dinner (because hello I was a neglected kid and didn't always know where food was coming from). Then resented that I have to be so very careful all the time because of all the hurt caused by others. And then of course there was the adorable pregnancy announcement from a sibling and a baby shower thank you card that came in the mail today. 

Yeah. I'm a real wonderment. Sobbing in my room because I feel guilty for wishing that this was an easier road while also knowing that there is no such thing.

What qualifies people to tell strangers they are amazing parents? I could be total crap.