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Stolen Moments

I was able to steal nearly two hours to myself tonight. But Foster Mom R didn't you just go to California last week? Yes I did, but I was not alone and I worried constantly about my family and I ran a half marathon which doesn't exactly equate to relaxation. Tonight I was relaxed. I poured myself a glass of wine, got out my Kindle and read outside on the porch that Hubby just re-did while the fire pit glowed and the wind chimes jingled in the distance.

My mind was able to take a solid break from all of the things swirling. The grad school work, the million things that need to be fixed/put away/cleaned for the house, the family drama happening, the impending buy out of my company and the TPR trial next week.

The TPR trial triggers the next round of "stuff" that has to happen in order for us to officially adopt the kids.  The kids will have been in the phase between return home and adoption for 8 months, despite being in an adoptive home, and despite us signing the intent to adopt over a year ago. It's such a shame that the court stuff takes this long.

The kids knew we were meeting with their Mom and they were excited to hear they were getting adopted. Stella especially shocked me when she did a little happy dance when we told her, her Mom was going to sign the papers that would allow us to adopt her.

The identified surrender is better for the kids but this still has me worried about the baby. During the meeting the subject of missed phone calls came up and Sheila's therapist explained that she looses track of time and days due to her mental health.

If you can't make a 15 minute phone call, how can you take care of a baby?

Smiley said something interesting today. She said that in her other family, she won't be the youngest because her Mom is going to have the baby. I looked at her puzzled because she totally forget she already has a younger sibling in another state. 

At this point it does not seem that Sheila wants more contact with the kids than we are willing to offer. In fact, she really only asked that they be allowed to call her if they want. We told her we would send email updates at least 4 times a year and we would be willing to start with 2 in person visits a year.

We tried to convey we were concerned about her well being. There was a moment when I felt myself softening just a bit, similar to how I did with Maria. It was very much like being with my kids, and perhaps we can coach her in a similar way, that would allow her to parent the baby effectively.

She did have questions for us, all surrounding if we were certain we wanted to adopt all of the children and if we were going to have other biological kids.

When I shared that I couldn't have biological children without medical intervention or a miracle, she began to cry. It was a really odd moment. Maybe she realized how much her children were wanted? Maybe she felt sorry for me? Maybe she saw that I've always just wanted to be a Mom in whatever way I could.

I'm a better Mom when I take time for myself and today I was able to mother my four like a pro. Boo boos and planting flowers, misplaced socks and books.  This is my future, it is certain, and I could not be more sure that it's what I want.  A day full of giggling and playing and yard work and housework. And a lovely ending in which to recharge. This is what self care looks like. And right now, I'm doing a pretty good job of it!


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It is a process

It's a physical ache. A pain in the middle of my chest.  And it causes hot tears, the kind that sting my eyes.  It settled over me today and I couldn't shake it.

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